Looking back at who I was before, I noticed that I changed. And I like those changes. I’m not trusting everyone. I’m not as open to everyone. I’m more aware of my surroundings. I guess sometimes you gotta go through tough times in order to become a stronger person.
I feel so lost. So confused. So upset, sad, and mad. I’m basically everything put together. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to wake up everyday knowing that I lived in a broken apart family. It just hurts so much. I just wish that I wasn’t to curious. If I would’ve just walked away on that day and let things be, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. But the thing is, I always find a way to blame things on myself. Right now, I don’t even know.. Is it my fault that my family is like this? I just wish that I can’t get away. Just leave everything behind. But I know that if I do, this’ll always stay in my heart. I will never be able to leave it behind, it’s a part of me. 8.16.11. that was the day….
And last night was just the worst. Feeling betrayed, confused, and sad. I didn’t know what to do but try and talk to people to get my mind off things. But that didn’t work because I still kept on thinking. My brain keeps bringing up these thoughts and I couldn’t just turn it off… I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t let everything out. I couldn’t scream at the top of my lungs. The only thing I could do was to lay there in bed and just keep thinking.. but I got so tired to the point where I was just looking for absolutely anything to take my mind off the thinking and thats when I found the pin on my table. I just took it and bascially put scars onto my hand. I know it’s stupid but that was the only way to just make me distracted for a while.
I wish things would just go back to normal.
My little cousin wanted his little toy back so my sister made him walk around singing Jingle Bells while looking for something she needed..
oh ya know, just fail flipping….
You never really know what’s going to happen next, you just always have to be prepared.
I remember a day when my brother came home to visit and when my mom asked him who he was living with, he showed her a picture of a girl.
She thought it was her girlfriend so she gave her a whole mess of perfume and make up and skin treatment stuff and told my brother to give it to her.
Next time, my brother called and said she really liked the stuff. My mom asked “how is you girlfriend?”
He was like “…..she’s not my girlfriend..”
LOL. 50 something dollars down the drainn.
Everything’s just gonna start getting harder but impossible is just a word. It doesn’t mean anything. You gotta have faith in yourself because if you don’t, who will?
Just woke up. That was probably the best sleep ever. LOL. Fell asleep so early because of all the walking I did at the zoo. I think I’m starting to get sick. It was raining yesterday and my hair go wet. Now I have a headache and a stuffy nose :P
But anywayzzz, I’m wearing me LeBron James jersey to school today! Let the hating beginnnnnn!
Got home from the field trip about 5. It was so tiring! Got to school at about 6:40, got on the bus at about 7:20 and it ended up being a 2 hour bus ride. Stayed at the zoo for 5 hours and another 2 hour and a half ride home.. ):
Slept most of the car ride home. Walked soo much. We focused on doing the scavenger hunt so much we barely had any fun. If I got to choose again, I’d rather go to school.. LOL.
So the Leo Awards are right now. Didn’t go. Feel kinda bad because Miramontez nominated both me and impala but neither of us went…. LOL.
Now watching Dodgers vs Astros game. Dodgers up 3. No homework to do. Nothing to worry about. Good lyfeeee.
Oh wait.. math test Wednesday.. gotta study…
Bout time. Hope he recovers real soon. It’s sad seeing him like that just because he was a Giants fan.
Woke up at 5 this morning. Waiting for Alfredo to come over so we can head to school. Going to San Diego Zoo today for Merits field trip. First time going there!
Leo Awards are tonight but I guess I’m not going. Feel kinda bad because Miramontez nominated me and Impala but both of us aren’t going. Haha oh well. I’d have to dress up only to get an award and pin. It’s whatevers.
So i have this friend, that i used to talk to everyday. We were pretty close i guess. He would tell me stuff like “you know i really do care” and “i lay in bed at night, and wait for you to sleep first, before i can fall sleep.” but then we stopped talking, out of no where. And now, i guess i no longer exist in his life. he moved on. And all of those things he said were lies. I know that now. All the lies he told, were just right there in front of me. But i didn’t want to accept it. Now it’s all over and i know it. But the thing is, how do i get over it ?
Throwback. ‘10 summer. LOOOOOL
And sometimes in the weekends, my mom, sisters, brothers, and me would drive down there and just hang out. We went to the Promenade Mall, Pechanga, and friends house. It would be awesome. The neighborhood was filled with all these white skaters and everything. The community was nice and peaceful. At the mall, i remember a playground area that had this tree with a huge clock on it and every hour, a bear would come out and tell a story to the childrens. I practically don’t remember anything about that mall except for the playground, the candy store, and the food court xD
So after the mall, we would go pick up my dad from his work area, and either go to Pechanga to rent a suite or go to his friends house. At Pechanga, we would go and eat at the buffet at night, wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, go shopping some more, come back in time for lunch, and all over again. And we just never seemed to get tired of it. It was an adventure back then.
And if we were gonna go to sleep over at my dad’s friend’s house, Bob. I would help him cook, we would eat. And he had this big back yard so we would go outside to play baseball, or catch while the sun was setting. Amazingggg. and then we would go inside, watch TV and play board games until 10 then head to bed. The wake up in the morning, make the bed, sometimes we would make pancakes and scrambled eggs together or just head out to Denny’s.
And then, my dad quit that job…
LOL. This was back in 8th grade I think. While I was in the car, I found some of my sister’s cool shades and then just wore them on. KODAK MOMENT. LOLOL
So first we had Tiger Woods, then Charlie Sheen, now Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sometimes I trust people to easy. I always think that people are good by nature and I always hand them my trust and respect them right away. That’s the problem with me. I always act too comfortable around new people I meet before I even know how they really are. I guess it’s a good thing to be open and not care about what others think but being too open can be a problem.
I use the little actions people do to define their character. The way someone does something, says something, or reacts to something is all a part of their character. Your actions define who you really are.
Life is life. You can never expect anything. Soemtimes things come your way, sometimes they just don’t and you have to understand that. If you go on and live you’re life expecting too many things, you’re gonna end up hopeless.
No one is gonna be in your life forever whether you believe it or not. You just gotta keep fighting for yourself and never give up. That’s the key. Giving up is just gonna make matters worse. You’re gonna look back one day and think of all the possibilities.
“what if I kept on fighting?”
You can never know unless you try. Even though you fail, you can always look back and say “at least i did my best." You have to live life for yourself and not for anyone else.