I only dream of your ankles brushed by dark violets, of honeybees above you murmuring into a crown. Mary Szybist, from Incarnadine: Poems; Hail. (via xshayarsha )
more than anything more than anything more than anything more than anything, it is the loneliness.
#i am in Such a weird mood #it's like my depression smoked a blunt and now thinks it's coming of age in some #modern film that shows the rise and sudden decline of some teen in the 90s #yanno ? #original
How did we ever get here? I have been measuring my worth in etched wrists for so long I think my bones are made of aspartame. Or plum blossom. Can I gain solubility, dissolve? Can I become entirely blood? Viscera. Cold palms pressed against my back. Ribs. Ankles, spine. This resembles a checklist but is more truly a prayer. A prayer offered in the rain with a headache behind my eyes. A prayer offered propped against the car with trembling hands. Some Magnificat for vivisection. He hath filled the hungry with good things. Communion wine burns on an empty stomach. Lord, have I already martyred myself for skinny jeans? What if I wake up a husk, made clean and dry by sunlight? What if I wake up as sunlight itself, yellow and sharp and hard?
not to be l*ovesick on main, but you ever just ache to be held? yearn for someone to lovingly stroke ur back and play w your hair? desire to b desired?
[ rage but it’s so specific and saying anything means you have to scrape your bones raw just to get down to anything worthwhile, anything worth the salt it takes to make it palatable. boil it in water, mash it down so people can swallow it without choking. like it’s your respond- ibility to make sure they don’t choke. your fault if they do, isn’t it? you didn’t say it right. you don’t have the right words for it. not their words and they will gladly chew and chew and chew until they spit it back out on the plate in front of you and tell you what it is. what it has always been. & you want to scream. you want to hollow yourself out with that scream, give it a name, a feeling, an identity so you can just say that you have one. because you know you don’t. putting a name to your anger means giving it what you are not allowed. you see yourself, chewed up and rehashed to a version of them. you, but them. you watch yourself grow smaller inside their mouth. you watch your scream be pierced in two by incisors, your backbone crunches between molars and you are without the weight of your bones to hold you down bec- ause you just tried to explain yourself. what self is there to explain? there has never been anything there to be a self. definition: emptied. definition: rage is just an echo of you / if you were not this / you. ]
me: has a sprawling pile of books on my floor that i need to organize due to limited shelf & room space also because i can no longer reach my closet me: me: me: buys six more books and puts them neatly on top of the sprawling pile of books on my floor
#lord help me #this is what i get for working at a bookstore :/ #but i got a book abt rabies! #me: bought a rare copy of the neverending story today #also me: digs a book out of the donate bin abt rabies and THAT'S the one im excited about
in average
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