que sera, sera or whatever
Well. I feel better, don’t you?
The suspension of sleep in slow-motion
bleary eyed and droopy tailed
I think I’m afraid of fresh paper. I always loved getting new sketchbooks and journals but the actual task of opening to the first crisp, clean page and putting ink to paper was always very daunting. I never really grew out of that! I have perpetually shaky hands, after all. I make a lot of errors. Receipts are plentiful, and generally quite narrow in width. A small canvas to work with for very small cut out letters. It just made sense to me. With my collage work, I generally use recycled text and imagery, so receipts fit that theme. I also love the feel of vintage parchment. Old bookends, yellowed and stained. Crinkled with rough edges. It’s imperfect. Therefore, less pressure on me to fuck it up. I don’t have much of a budget for art supplies so anything I can reuse or repurpose is something that I’m interested in working with.
I do think there is a correlation in the writing itself. Anxiety and fears that date back to childhood— all of those things resurface in what I make. In a way, it is how I stay connected to that little girl I used to be. I’m nostalgic when I think about her. I miss her. I want my art to carry that nostalgia. Presentation changes the interpretation of a piece of art and can bring levity to (or diminish) the emotions you’re trying to convey. So the ‘aesthetic’ is generally just as important to me as the words themselves.
That means a lot to me, thank you. I’ve always felt this way about the idea of pregnancy too. It didn’t help that I grew up in an area with absolutely dreadful sex education, so I knew a decent amount of young moms when I was a teenager and it was absolutely terrifying to me. At the height of my fear, I would obsess about the idea so much that I’d work myself into an actual panic attack. I’ve gotten a lot better about it since then, but at the time I felt very alone in my thinking.
Now I’m of an age where women I know are voluntarily choosing to have children, and I don’t necessarily relate. Childbirth kills women every day and has for all of humanity. I feel like people don’t acknowledge that enough. It can and does devastate your body. That’s something to take seriously, and I don’t know that I would want to put my body through that. Of course, people who have children generally say it’s worth it. And I do understand that perspective. I’ve had to make my own sacrifices within my family and I know what it’s like to raise a child. I’ve been doing it for the last four years. I am a parent, even if I don’t have the “mother” title. But this experience has only strengthened my resolve about not having biological children of my own any time soon.
Motherhood is a difficult and dangerous path in so many nuanced ways. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to forge that path anyway, to bear the brunt of it and smile through the pain.
bad advice barbie
You’re not bothering me at all. I think every artist feels this at some point. The lowest self esteem I ever had as an artist was when I was in art school. I totally felt that fish out of water feeling. My focus was photography and that alone felt like a stigma because I was surrounded by so many incredible traditional artists. I also quickly realized there was a class discrepancy as well. It was a bit of culture shock. I felt like the slovenly small town trash playing a fraud. You worded the feeling excellently— it’s paralyzing. Some people thrive in competition and are built for the career side of it. I’m not one of those people, and it’s made me face my flaws in very uncomfortable ways.
It’s a balancing act because I do believe it can be helpful to surround yourself with creative people and to support your peers in their artistic endeavors. There can be a lot to gain from that. But I think if you struggle with self-confidence, it can be a good thing to take a step back from seeking inspiration in other artists who make similar art to you. Especially on social media. The type of art I’ve been interested in the last few years is extremely personal and self-reflective. That sort of gets me off the hook of comparing it to others. I’m just not interested in what other people are doing. That provides a lot of freedom. I’m only battling myself, not a thousand better artists on Instagram and tumblr. Maybe that approach will be helpful to you also. I still love going to art museums, and collecting beautiful pieces, but I don’t put any pressure on myself to live up to the masterpieces that I’m viewing. The art I make is for my own pleasure, my own therapy, and it has its own place. Regardless of how “good” or “unique” it is. I make things simply because I want to, and that alone has made it fun again.
And anyway, it’s a bit of a fruitless goal to try to be the best artist, because it is so subjective. Different art hits people in different places. It can be a snobby world, but honestly there is room for all of it. Make a bad piece and another bad piece and as many as you need to until you make something you’re proud of. Put in the work and let the ideas flow organically. You don’t have to be the most original or the most technical. It doesn’t matter if anyone else gets something from it, what matters is how you feel making it. Take all that pressure off yourself, log off social media, and do whatever it is you love to do!
Having a great time living in my lil fantasy world
Nature heals more gracefully than humans do
Poor memory is both a blessing and a curse
Gotta trick myself into trying
In a general sense its about mental health, self-reflection, and struggling to come to terms with certain truths about myself and my family dynamics. Trauma can mentally stunt you, to varying degrees but in some cases permanently. That can translate into feeling stuck, isolated in your fear, and unable to move on from it.
The nature vs. nurture debate is a complex concept that comes up in many different issues- but I find in my life it most often applies in relation to mental illness and addiction within my family. It’s been said that you can inherit or be predisposed to different conditions and behaviors; if so, how does that affect us growing into adults (and how would we be different without it)? I always find myself conflicted when I think about my own mental illness. Parts of my childhood used to seem quite idyllic on the surface, but once I got a little older and gained perspective, I began to realize how detrimental those circumstances actually were to my developing mind. There is an idea that children inherit the pain of their parents, that trauma bonds us and carries over from one generation to the next. So I feel very mournful for the naïve child in me that simply couldn’t withstand the set of circumstances I’d been dealt. The reason I couldn’t manage the world in the way that so many of my friends seemed to easily be able to- it wasn’t all down to me being a complete failure or fraud.
However, there’s another part of me that thinks this line of thinking is a bit of a cop out. I believe deeply in accountability, in our ability to make choices for ourselves and a responsibility to recognize how those choices will affect other people. We all possess the capability to change and to grow, and sometimes it’s a matter of facing the truth of our own choices. I think its so important to decipher the ways in which we self-sabotage. We really are our own worst enemies sometimes, and I see that in myself. (Thus, the ‘perpetrator and the victim’ line) But it’s also difficult because no one really wants to meet their ugliness in the mirror and acknowledge that it exists. It’s much easier to live in the delusion that our lives are not under our own control, because of how powerfully trauma demands we believe it.
Girls who live inside colored glass
ode to Flora
feet in the dirt / head in the oven
the unknowable she
I had the idea of making a journal page for all the movies I saw this year but I only did Hereditary and then forgot about it completely lol
Keeping things to myself