sometimes u have extended thoughts about your own fic and the only place to put them is under a stupidly long and self-indulgent post:
(the fic in question)
originally started this fic because. well, obviously, first of all, BEN… 😔💝🤲 and second of all, because i thought an interesting explanation for why ben has aged and looks unharmed as his ghost self would be that he is “dead,” but “dead” in the sense that he accidentally sent himself into the realm where his tentacle monsters come from. as in, my understanding of the comic book explanation of his powers is that he is opening portals to another realm, and one day he just. opens a portal on his body that is too big (hence the emphasis on all the “seam” stuff). so, he’s dead, but like, “dead?” (and thus aging, seemingly uninjured, etc)
also initially thought that would be nice to imply that there is perhaps some way of him bringing himself back (reverse portal, u know), but uh. canon s2 penultimate episode killed him off, which, really annoyed me from a viewer’s perspective. but from the perspective of someone who has difficulty writing anything over 5k (and constructing plot… ouch), ty for the built-in closure lmao. because if i had spent the time to explore it, i think there’s a lot of interesting things that could happen with both reviving ben as well as. i mean, tua has whole organizations managing time and the realms of five’s power… intersections of ben and klaus’s powers and like. death bureaucracy (or u know, we could do something new instead) would be fun!! or that time klaus met god. lmk if any of u write it, kings. (or if it already exists)
i also unfortunately made like 95% of the fic a huge bummer which is also my bad because ben is externally quite cheery, except when he’s being an asshole, and. yea i wish i had found a way to write more of that to be truer to him but maybe i’ll still edit this and/or do another fic.
in any case, some other notes:
- honestly. too many thoughts about ben’s
childhood that i wanted to write/confirm in but the draft was getting a bit
bloated. but basically just stuff like a) ben didn’t actually kill his
birth mother as a baby, although he did injure and scare her enough to run away (…small mercies), b) just. i
should have written more sibling bonding but i couldnt find a smooth
way to work it in. that ones on me, mb. and c) a little more klaus… originally hoped to maybe examine that one comic quote from vanya about how klaus was also softer as a child.
- was not able to shoehorn in ben’s hug with diego…. ):
- i think most people know this already, but if not: the quote from vanya’s book is from the comics, and the other line in italics in that passage is the inscription on ben’s grave (shown on the netflix show). the other semi-important thing i got from comic lore is where reginald notes about ben, “gruesome but fascinating… must learn to suppress my nausea in order to study further.” huge ouch. hence union between being invisible as a ghost and also others not wanting to look at him as a living boy.
- for like the fourth time, more sibling/family moments in general. wrong genre tho.. but anyway this is a safe space for all the hargreeves siblings, its not their fault they were young and dumb and traumatized and now that they are old and dumb and traumatized i forgive them, mostly, also <3
- was considering briefly suggesting that the reason for klaus’s refusal to tell the family about ben is that he still sometimes has his own doubts that the version of ben he sees is real. derealization/depersonalization-type stuff, but i feel like that would take much more time to explore effectively and respectfully, and idk that i would be able to do that well
- was going to try to work in that one quote from junot díaz about how
monsters can be made by denying them reflections (original context was
about representation of poc in
usamerican culture, which… i guess is not not related to ben, though more in a meta way) but couldnt do it succinctly and uh also #junotdíazisoverparty from about
2018 or something, too
- there were like 15 other song lyrics i almost used oops but i’ll spare u
- …… ah shit. found out that the timeline in the fic is. quite off since in this published timeline grace was created in 1993? 1994 along with the rest of vanya’s early power stuff so. this is very far off what i implied of training for their powers (and graces appearance) starting much later, almost 2002/2003………… will i fix this???? tbd.
(EDIT: as of 11/18/20, minor edits are now in place to adjust for this. whew now everything i have written is for sure, 100% valid, bible truth… u r welcome.)
anyway in closing: thanks for reading!! love u. <3 it is very much appreciated :)