hi there! i’m posting this old calum hood blurb/one shot thingy that i wrote some years ago and that i posted on my old tumblr. i’m trying to write more and maybe post some other old things that i posted so if u like it, stay tuned! xx, M
also, tw: mentions of depression and anxiety
She sees the
opportunity. They’re really close, his hands have traveled to her waist and she
just sees the opportunity she has waited for such a long time. She gets close,
just a little so their chests aren’t touching yet. And she kisses him. A fast, lip
on lip sort of kiss. She doesn’t give him time to reaction. Instead, she takes
his hands off of her waist even if it is the most painful thing she has to do
and starts to walk away.
She doesn’t get very far though because his left hand has now gripped tightly around one of her wrists and he has turned her to him. Now it’s him the one who starts the kiss, this time it’s not just a simple peck. There’s passion behind it, there’s ass grabbing, hair tugging. Their chests are touching and they can feel each other’s heartbeats. Their lungs are out of air yet they can’t keep their lips off each other. He needs this kiss to never end. He’s not enjoying it, oh no, he’s living by it.
Even after so many years of strange and not reciprocated feelings, now it is when he understands that he had loved her all of these years. She’s kissing him back and he doesn’t know how he’s lived all of his years alive without her kisses and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do without her kisses in all the rest of his days. Deep down, he knows this will be the only kiss they share so he has to give it all to her, show her how much he feels for her. He lacks the words to tell her. He is just now trying to communicate with her without the words he thought he’d never say.
When his teeth have already sunk down her lip and his lips are making their way to kiss and bite and lick her neck, that’s when she takes a step back and looks at him with swollen, red lips and welled up eyes filled with crashed dreams. She shakes her head and looks down to the floor. He sees a single tear rolling down her cheek and landing on the floor.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” She whispers with a tiny voice. That would have to be a good thing, the addition of ‘we’. Maybe there really could be one.
He ignores her comment and tells her. “I love you.”
She breaks into a fit of laughter and hugs herself when she almost falls to the floor. How could he be joking after that kiss? She wipes the corner of her eyes, not knowing if they were happy tears or sad ones.
She gives him a reassuring smile when she sees his worried stare. Her legs take a step closer to him, and even though they are still a few inches apart she can take his hands on hers. He thinks she may tell him something good, maybe he’s just hoping. “Calum, dear, you don’t love me. Never have and never will. I know you that much.”
He now stares at her, almost glaring.
“What do you even know about my feelings? You’re not my brain, Marina. You’re not my heart.” Calum says. He’s angry, at her and at his feelings. How could he have not figured them out sooner?
Marina’s smile has died down a little, yet something really close to a grimace is still there. “Oh come on. You didn’t love me four years ago when I left him for you, you didn’t love me when you came home that day with your neck full of hickeys and that arrogant smirk. You didn’t love me like that when I told you about my depression. What makes you think you love me now?”
Calum has heard Marina talk in almost every possible way. He has heard her stutter when nervous, break when crying, also the kind of talk when her giggles didn’t let her finish her sentences. He has seen her grow up. But he has never heard her so hurt yet calm at the same time.
On the other hand, Marina thinks how blind Calum must really be to not see how hard she’s really trembling. The gods up above had definitely heard her prayers and have made her voice sound smooth when her insides were falling apart. Marina has to hold herself together; she doesn’t want to cry in front of him again.
“I was a kid at that time, Marina” he tries to justify his actions. “I now know that I love you.”
“How do you know that, huh?”
“Haven’t you felt it? That kiss? It was the best kiss I’ve ever had. I swear I’ve even felt your heart beating. And that moan you’ve tried to repress? It’s killed me. And it’ll kill me if I don’t have any more kisses like that.”
He is at the point of agonizing pain. She is rejecting him and he knows he can’t take it, but he doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing him break down in front of her. And with Marina’s smirk just faltering enough to not fool him, Calum knows she has felt it too. She is just stubborn.
She tries to give him another smirk, evidence that she is just not that bothered by that at all. “Meh. Not my best kiss, yet not the worst.”
Calum is tugging his hair as he lets out a groan.
“I’m just asking for a chance,” he says exasperated, “all I want is for you to give us a chance.”
“There is no us, Calum!” Marina finally yells, her arms now thrown up in the air. “No us then, no us now! For fuck’s sake, I can’t do this!”
Trembles take over her body and a nauseating feeling settles on the pit of her stomach. Marina is sure that it’ll be a miracle if the conversation ends without having an anxiety attack with him watching.
Calum is stupid; everyone including Marina and Calum himself know that. And although it is true, he knows something’s wrong. He always seems to know if something’s wrong when it comes to her.
And Marina has already said it. She had told him that she had gone through tough shit some time ago and he now remembers the breakdowns she had had in class when they lived together. They were bad. And he doesn’t want her to feel that bad without knowing how to help her.
Even if he is angry, which he absolutely is, he wants the best for her.
He whispers her name and as she looks up in a failed attempt to meet his eyes he sees a single tear roll down her flushed cheek. Now it’s her turn to whisper his name, though her voice sounds quivery and not at all as smooth as his.
Suddenly, her heart is struggling to pump blood. Her lungs and body lack the strength to work properly and just for a moment, she feels lightheaded. She looks for the nearest wall with her hand as she uses the other to massage her temples. Calum worries.
He steps closer and with his body as support, he throws one arm of hers around his neck to steady her. She welcomes his warm touch and although she wants to thank him for helping her, there’s a lump in her throat that is making let out any sound difficult, let alone a whole sentence.
They stay like that for God knows how long, taking everything in; every feeling, every tear, every thought of kissing each other. They don’t follow the impulses, surprising him because the desire to kiss her again and again was consuming him.
Marina is too caught up on trying to breath normally again that she doesn’t think about the miniscule distance that separated their lips.
When she is able to breathe again and even though there are still a few tears falling down her face she now can free from his embrace and is standing in all of her glory, Calum thinks, about to decide the fate of the future of their relationship.
When she opens her mouth to talk, he interrupts her. “Before you say anything I want to tell you that I’m sorry for breaking this all to you all of a sudden and putting you in this uncomfortable situation. I’m sorry for not being able to realize sooner that I was in love with you. I guess I’m just sorry for the bad timing we’ve had. You’ve always been an amazing person to me and if I hadn’t been such a dick we could’ve worked out before it got all too complicated.”
“I’m sorry.” Her voice is hoarse and she hates it, but for some reason Calum finds it the most beautiful sound in the universe.
“I don’t know…” she begins. “Just sorry, I guess.”
Their backs are against the hallway’s walls and they’re trying to look anywhere else but each other, which was extremely hard as Calum felt pain overtaking his body if he isn’t looking at Marina. The way her skin is glowing a reddish shade thanks to the tears gives a whole new meaning to the definition of gorgeous.
“I’ve loved you, y’know.”
“I just, I had to love me more,” she cries. “If I hadn’t done it, you know what could have happened.”
He knows, he doesn’t need her to say it to know what she is referring to. And it is scaring him. Calum now knows how it feels when you’re scared to the core and your life is falling apart.
“Also, I want you to know that I didn’t want to drag you down to all the shit I was into. I wanted you to be happy.”
“Being with you now would make me happy.” Calum is sincere as he pleads.
Marina chuckles beside him and shakes her head. When she lets out a sigh Calum knows she is about to say goodbye to him, to their chance together.
“But being together,” Marina starts but it seems she can’t get the words out “it wouldn’t make us happy; in the end it would only make us suffer, Calum.”
“And you don’t want to suffer more because of me.”
Marina nods her head at his statements. She starts crying again. Today she’ll cry more than what she expected.
Calum, ignoring the sound of his own heart breaking into zillion pieces, turns to her and hugs her as tightly as he can and when she cries harder, and even though he’s choking with his own sobs, he tells her that it is going to be alright. Even though he knows she hates it, even though he knows it is not going to be alright at all.
But she thanks him. She doesn’t say it but she really is thankful.
Both are thinking how fantastic it would be if time froze and they could spend eternity in each other’s arms, far away from all the troubles. And although they wish it so much, life’s not that simple and things like that are impossible. So they let go. They say goodbye and she walks away.
He watches her and he wishes to turn back time to the moment they met and take right all the decisions he took wrong.