i’m not even 25 yet but i feel like i’ve failed at life
Are you a teacher?
I’m not, no
Do you remember the first time your mother look disappointed in you? Do you remember the first cut? Your first attempt? The days you can’t remember because you spent all day in your bed pretending you don’t exist? Do you remember your mother hysterically crying when she heard you tried to kill yourself again? How she would ring you 4 times a day making sure you were alive? And when you didn’t answer the phone she’d drive to your house and scream your name just to find out you’re in the shower. You only remember the things you want to forget. Why do you hold onto things that keep you from joy? That holds this cast over you preventing you from living again. Maybe you’re afraid that if you find hope and hold onto it that you’ll accidentally drop it and your mother will start calling you again, she’ll start crying again. So you stay afraid and silent. You hold onto your bad memories and make sure no one can take them from you and I’m sorry life hurt you so bad and that your mother sleeps with her phone under her pillow, just in case. There will be a day where you ring her first just to tell her today was a good day. You didn’t win lotto or get your dream job. But you got up, made breakfast, went to work, made dinner and watched your favourite movie again. You didn’t skip a meal, you didn’t cry on your lunch break and you finally got to sleep before 3am. Maybe tomorrow you’ll think about swallowing a thousand pills again but today was a good day and that is enough.
— Hannah Green, from “my mother has me on speed dial.” ©