every person can feel freddie mercury’s presence in their souls when they sing MAMAAAAAA UUHHHH, I DONT WANNA DIE, I SOMETIMES WISH I’VE NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL with all the air in their lungs i’m not joking
Okay no one on Tumblr that I’ve seen has been talking about the wine and cheese thing, but that means no one is reflecting on the absolute weapons-grade hilarity of Boris Johnson trying to inchworm his way out of trouble by claiming that he didn’t know about it
Like… that wine and cheese party was the Downing Street works Christmas do. Not just any old social, the Christmas social. There were invitations. There was music. Every single worker in Downing Street was invited, even Debbie from accounts. People who didn’t work there but were important to the government got invited.
And Boris is therefore claiming that all his mates got together and had a party and DIDN’T INVITE HIM.
Not only that, but they deliberately kept it a secret from him, because no one wanted him there to ruin the party because no one likes him, and I just…
The key difference between Johnson and Trump always came down to this: Johnson wants to be liked. He genuinely does. Trump wanted to be respected and feared and obeyed, he wanted to be seen as powerful and suave and cool. But he didn’t care about how liked he was. Johnson, though, really fucking does. He’s a deeply pathetic little twat, and he wants people to like him.
So, his choices currently are
Tell everyone in the country that his own friends and coworkers actually cannot stand him, to the point that they arranged an entire Christmas party without him
Admit that he was there and immediately be hated by literally every single human being in the country, including his own voters (hello North Shropshire), because while the rest of us spent Christmas 2020 in a lockdown and unable to see each other and in many cases literally alone, him and his mates held an illegal Christmas party that the police are refusing to investigate
His popularity is now nosediving in the polls, and it really cannot be stated how much that will be burning him.
Also, pro-Brexit Tories are even pissed off with him now. Which is a bit like someone buying a cake called a pus cake with pictures of pus all over the box and a warning sign that says This Cake Contains Pus and Other Bodily Fluids, and then crying because when they tried to eat the pus cake they found it was filled with pus. But also really funny.
Anyway, I’m placing the bet now: we will see a vote of no confidence, OR he’ll jump before he has to experience that (because it would kill him), and our next PM will be Rishi Sunak
And don’t forget
THEY HAD THIS PARTY IN THE HOUSE HE LIVES IN!
He’s trying to claim that all his friends and colleagues hosted a party IN THE HOUSE HE LIVES IN while he was upstairs apparently totally oblivious!
He really thinks we’re that stupid to believe that a party could be happening literally TWO FLOORS BELOW him and he not know?
Omg omg I forgot that part and you are so right
They had a secret Christmas party that was so big that they were sending out invites to non government members which they didn’t want him at, so they… what, had his mistress drug him with hefty amounts of antihistamines? He went out for the evening (also illegal at the time) and they partied hard on cheese and wine for precisely two hours and 46 minutes, then everyone went silent and snuck out when he came back?
A whole team of cleaners had to tiptoe about for four hours so they wouldn’t wake up the clown upstairs.
What a cover story.
Okay well this story has… Wow.
So, let’s update for those who don’t know. Bear with me, I may get a couple of dates slightly wrong. First, shout out to the incredible investigative journalism and absolutely chessmaster-level shrewdness of Pippa Crerar for both digging up this story and for picking precisely the right moments to release it, morsel by morsel, to bring down Boris Johnson and possibly the whole damn government.
So after Johnson claimed he didn’t know about it, then the Mirror published photos showing he was there and hosted a quiz. So, undeniable, Boris was at the Christmas party.
The Metropolitan Police declare that, even though they are investigating and fining people up to £12,000 a pop for lockdown parties, and doing so is literally their job, they will not investigate the government because “there isn’t enough evidence”. ACAB etc
Then, the Guardian reveals photos of Boris Johnson, his mistress, and Dominic Cummings eating cheese and drinking wine in the sun (with others around them) in the Downing Street garden, not allowed at the time (we were literally not allowed to leave home at the time). That day, Matt Hancock urges people not to have cheese and wine parties in their own gardens in spite of the nice May weather.
Then the Mirror reveals that there was actually another whole ass party - in May 2020, where 30 gathered in the garden of Downing Street (at the time we were not allowed more than 2 households meeting outside). Boris denies that it was a party, and claims it was merely a weirdly well catered work event that included his gin-drinking mistress and baby for some reason.
Then, the invites to the party were leaked by ITV. Turns out, 100 people were invited “to make the most of the lovely weather.” It also told attendees to “bring their own booze.”
Then an inquiry begins, carried out by Sue Gray. She is in fact a member of Number 10 staff, but no idea how independent she’ll actually be one way or the other. Either way, the police are still literally refusing to investigate so lmao that’s what we’ve got. She did get Damien Green fired for that porn thing, though, so that’s encouraging.
Then this week, Johnson goes on Prime Minister’s Questions. He sort of apologises, and claims that he was only there for 25 minutes but implies he then left because it felt more like an illegal social than the work event he was expecting, which is interesting, since his mistress was necking gin next to him the whole time. He should have just asked her, like. She could have clarified.
Then the Times reveals a source at the party who says that no, Boris stayed WAAAYYYY longer and spent his time wandering around and ‘gladhanding’ people (side note, posh people have weird words).
Then yesterday, even though we now have evidence and a confession of criminality, the Met Police announce that they will not investigate unless/until the Gray Inquiry finds evidence of criminality, which is just…an astonishingly open display of corruption, really. A real quiet-part-loud moment.
THEN, within hours, it’s revealed that there were ANOTHER TWO PARTIES, except… Okay you’re going to want to sit down, because shit hit the fan yesterday.
These two parties happened on the day of Prince Philip’s funeral last year, aka Put Philip In The Floor Day. At the time, restrictions meant just 30 people could attend that funeral.
Which means, the Telegraph ran this headline and image:
I know we all hate the royals on Tumblr, but you have to understand just how hard that headline, and that image, and that message, hits British society. The Queen, beloved monarch, “forced to grieve alone” while the government danced and drank the night away. You cannot imagine how much power that image holds. You cannot begin to imagine the social power of it.
Boris Johnson can. He was polling only one point above Theresa May’s all time low within the hour. That is a devastating popularity drop for the man who needs to be loved, who came to power on a cult of personality.
So, he went on PMQs again, to apologise to Lizzie Two. It’s a really funny apology because he kind of can’t apologise without admitting it and there’s an enquiry going on so it’s real vague, but he does cop to the parties on Put Philip In The Floor Day. Keir Starmer, in a rare display of actually providing some opposition, put the boot in quite nicely:
Well, there we have it. After months of deceit and deception, the pathetic spectacle of a man who’s run out of road.
His defence, that he didn’t realise he was at a party, is so ridiculous that it’s actually offensive to the British public.
He’s finally been forced to admit what everyone knew that when the whole country was locked down, he was hosting boozy parties in Downing Street.
Is he now going to do but decent thing and resign?
Which brings us to today! How is the Prime Minister coping with the situation?
Well, according to a leak from the Independent, he literally spent today working out which senior officials he can force to resign and take the blame in order to save himself in a move that he, a grown man who has fathered six or possibly seven children who is Prime Minister of the country, is without irony calling, and I am not making this up…
Operation Save Big Dog.
Big Dog is him. He is Big Dog. He has called himself Big Dog. He chose to call himself Big Dog.
Except, the Independent leaked it, as I say, so now he looks EVEN WORSE.
The Mirror’s front page for tomorrow is revealed.
They have a photo of a wine fridge (capable of holding up to 34 bottles of wine) being delivered to Number 10.
Because, they reveal, these parties were not special events only.
Downing Street has been holding what they called Wine Time Fridays every week during the pandemic. They used to hold them before as well; but apparently, they’ve been particularly popular during lockdown.
Current polling as of 14th January 2022:
Those figures would translate to the Tories losing over 126 seats. Labour’s largest lead since Tony Blair.
Side note to finish off for now:
Interesting how we now know a good 100 people who was at those parties, complete with photos, and yet Rishi Sunak is not in any of them. One might almost call it suspicious. And wonder at who the main source is.
The British public are now left to wonder if there was a single day during lockdown when our government wasn’t throwing an illegal party. But some of their decision-making starts to make a lot more sense when you realise that they were basically plastered the whole time.
My favourite part was when the Metropolitan Police (who were standing right there, guarding the door, checking people in and out, when these parties took place) claimed that they couldn’t possibly investigate whether or not an illegal party took place because they don’t investigate crime retrospectively.
Yes, that really is what they said. Yes, it really is that ridiculous. Yes, a lot of convicted criminals whose crimes were investigated retrospectively were very interested to hear this.
Or perhaps my favourite part was when they said they deserved to have a party because they had been working so hard. Because no one else was working hard to get through the pandemic, obviously.
Or perhaps my favourite part was when they said they were justified in breaking the lockdown laws they themselves had enacted, because those laws were just too tough to expect anyone to follow. Except that everyone was expected to follow them, because those rules were enshrined in law, and many people were fined huge sums of money for breaches considerably more minor than throwing multiple parties.
Every day now, just when we think we’ve hit rock bottom, yet another scandal emerges.
And there are still people out there saying 'oh no, we can’t possibly vote for Labour, even though they are the only opposition party with any real chance of ousting the blatantly corrupt Tories, because Labour didn’t elect the party leader we preferred, so we’d rather stick with the criminal corruption and erosion of civil rights, thanks all the same…’
Take it from the biochemist who used to work with vaccines:
1. Some vaccines will keep you from getting sick: measles, mumps, rubella, etc.
2. Some vaccines won’t keep you from getting sick, but it will keep you from dying: COVID, flu, etc.
3. Some people can’t get vaccines, or vaccines don’t work for them. They are a tiny percentage of the population.
4. Side effects from vaccines are normal.
5. mRNA vaccine technology has been around for 20 years. It’s not *that* new.
6. Vaccine cards have been around for a very long time. You’d know that if you traveled to certain countries.
7. I’m getting tired of saying all this stuff to people. At this point, I don’t give a flying fuck what you believe, grow the fuck up and just get your fucking vaccine and/or booster shot. But if you insist on being a selfish asshole, stay the fuck away from me.