I often wonder who I would be had you not left my life.
Back then I didn’t know how I was going to go on without you.
I looked for you in every person. All I wanted was to be wanted. Loved. Desired.
You used me as a crutch. A way to move on from the love of your life.
At seventeen, I didn’t understand that. At eighteen, I didn’t understand that. By nineteen you would’ve thought I would’ve learned.
For years I let you walk all over me. With this idea in my head that maybe, just maybe you loved me the way I loved you.
At nineteen I should’ve learned.
I should’ve learned that my value was more than someone who said they loved me to get in my pants.
I should’ve learned when someone says they don’t want to be a relationship that they do - just not with you.
I should’ve learned that I was nothing more to you than a young, naive teenager who thought you put the stars in the sky.
It’s been six years and I still think of you from time to time. Not because I miss you. Not because I wish you were the one that put a ring on my finger. But because you sat there and took advantage of a seventeen year old who just wanted to be loved.
Not because I wish you chose me. Not because I wish it was you I came home to every night. But because you repeatedly lied to my face and made me realize that not everyone that says I love you has your best interest in mind.
I think of you from time to time. When I hear a song or see something that reminds me of you. I’m so glad that you left. I’m so glad you broke my heart. I’m so glad you taught me that love was more than words. I’m so glad you are gone. I’m so thankful you left when you did. I’m so damn grateful you are a shitty person with your best interest at heart. Without you leaving I never would’ve saw my worth. Thank you for that.
I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.
“You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No.”
— Alison McGhee, All Rivers Flow To The Sea (via hplyrikz )
You shut down
Not out of fear of love
Because you were already in it,
But out of sadness,
For it was far too out of reach.
So out of fear of getting hurt again,
To avoid the subject and pain altogether
You shut out anything and everything that reminded you of it
The only thing you had left to shut out