had a serious-ish talk with the bf over skype just now. (actually it was facetime bc fuck skype but anyways)
just kind of about the future again. last time we talked about the future (a couple weeks ago) i was kind of having a break down over my fears and how scared i was to face the future.
today he got lectured by his mom about the future and several other points. a main one being how she felt our relationship was moving too fast. i mean, i’m really lucky that he is mature enough to have already thought it over in a way to realize how he decides to progress with our relationship is his choice (well, our choice). by the time he was telling me about it he had already thought through those doubts that his mom had planted (his words). i do see where she comes from because it is pretty much her job as a mother to warn him and give him her opinion about his choices and his life. although he tells me she is a controlling person, he also says that she wants him to be able to have these life experiences she wasn’t able to have at his age. and it’s good for him to experience a serious relationship and know what to want in a partner. she asked him that when he goes back to school (in mid-late september), if he still sees us together, and he told her firmly that it’s very much a yes. now more than ever, i know we can make it through long distance in the summer. the amount of time really isn’t even all that much, and there’s comfort in knowing that i would be able to see him again soon.
what scares me, or i guess what has always scared me is the uncertainty. it’s become a little better as time went on, but i still feel that our relationship is very new. i don’t know what the future holds, but what i am certain of right now is that i do want to be with him and experience so many things with him. we both work hard for the relationship and to maintain it and so far it’s working out fine. but i have a somewhat deep insecurity where i don’t know how long the relationship will last. i catch myself thinking about getting broken up with and i feel like i’ll be the discarded one, and have my heart broken and i will never find anyone better than him. which is dumb, and i feel stems from personal insecurities that i have. i’m scared of losing him but i am also hoping it’s a somewhat normal fear to have? i don’t know if it is, honestly. i really try not to let it get the best of me, because i know it’s an unfounded insecurity to have, especially when our relationship is still so new and in the honeymoon phase. he also is aware of this part of me, and makes the conscious effort to not ever put me in a position where i will feel insecure about something. that’s just one of many things i seriously appreciate about him and our relationship. we did get serious pretty quickly, but i feel that was pretty much the natural progression of things, considering how much time we spent together, as well as how we talk everyday, especially now since we can’t see each other. we effectively communicate with each other, despite the distance, and i believe that very strongly to be such an important thing.
while i haven’t voiced that particular fear to him, i have talked about how i fear things will be like once the honeymoon period wears off. i know that our relationship will change (and hopefully, grow in the process). i am hoping for a positive change, and i want to have a positive outlook. one thing i value strongly is how much you need to work for a relationship. that when things start to change you won’t just give up. that you will change and flow with the direction that you two as individuals are going, as well as in the relationship that was built between you guys.
another factor that is scary is our young age. he’s only 18. i’m 1 year (and 2 weeks) older at 19. we’ve both been young for our grade, and here we are. he’s profoundly mature for his age, and i’m excited to see him grow more, and myself as well. for us to grow together. but at such young ages, this isn’t exactly a time when relationships are expected to last, necessarily. that’s why i don’t want to really have such expectations for us, even though i want to. i think once our relationship matures some more, we can then have more talks about the future, because sometimes i am too scared to think even 1 year ahead to next summer, though we have casually talked about it. a lot of things can and will change in that time frame. but i really, REALLY do want us to last long-term. i like him A LOT and i strongly feel that being with him is such a positive force in my life. I want to be able to support him and have his support as time goes on, and to grow together and continue to build our relationship more and more. i want to be with him for as long as possible. and i can’t really say much beyond that.
i don’t want our ages to hinder us from reaching a more serious level of our relationship though, and i don’t necessarily think it will, but it is something that rests in my mind. things aren’t perfect, but that’s okay.
the only thing that can be done is to just go for it and see what happens. no one knows of the future. but i’ve been thinking so much about the future, i might just miss the present.