it’s so difficult when you ship mileven but also byler, and when you love lumax with your whole being but also believe that max is gay, and when you love jopper but not at the price of bob, or when you love stancy and also jancy alone but stoncy owns your heart and when you want Will Byers to be happy but the suffer brothers won’t let that happen
so many days, i wake up not knowing who inhabits my limbs and carries them through the hours. all sense of my own existence slips through my fingers like sand. i drift through life craving the innocence of my childhood, the horizon that stretched into eternity promising all the light in the universe. the bliss of those years, the unquestioning. i was who i was and i did not wonder why. like eve in the garden, i felt no need to shroud myself in shame and the weight others would have me carry. i was free. i see her there, the girl i was, hazed by my memories but there all the same. wild curls, tangled and matted from play. paint splattered on t-shirts, knees scrapped, nails bitten away, hands buried in dirt, bare feet running across sand, the ocean chasing my heels. smile unhidden, laughter loud. cross legged and bent over books, tales of pirates, of greek heroes, of monsters, epic tales i longed to be caught in. breath held taut under pool water, bubbles slipping through, head beneath the surface captivated by the whispers of light from above. i was rugged, i was bold, i was strong, i was brave and i felt no fear. i was raw and real. where is she, this fierce warrior, this boundless hero? when did i lose her? i ask this question when i already know the answer. i lost her the day mother smeared makeup onto my cheeks like war paint, rough and uncaring. from that moment, i was forced into a false softness, as sweet like cough syrup. all my colors were scoured away and i was left to be guided like a puppet through a life barely my own. is this the loss all girls are doomed to endure? was i always destined to fade like water in the desert sun? “i wish i were a girl again, half-savage and hardy, and free.” i read these words as a child and didn’t understand them until my childishness was stripped away by cruel thoughtless minds, leaving me broken and bloodied. i’ve never felt like a woman, at least not the woman everyone else expected me to be. maybe i never will. but as i wander, as restless as a spirit at the witching hour, one truth resounds, refusing to be silenced: i will never forgive the ones who told me that i had to change to be someone worth seeing, worth being, worth loving— that taught me that the girl i was, was born to be thrown away.
word count: 587
warning: a mention of blood like once i think??
authors note: i had a lot of fun writing this one!! peter deserves nothing but love, even if i’m not giving it to him.
he stood at the edge of your bed for what seemed like the thousandth time. strands of chestnut covered his features, but you could still see it. the pain, the tears, the bruises. it was the same thing you’d seen for the last five years.
for the months following the snap it was rare that you’d sleep at all. it’d take days before exhaustion was strong enough to force rest upon you, and even then it was never peaceful. it was hard enough dealing with half of your friends and family disappearing within seconds, no matter the ghost of the boy you loved creeping in the corner of your room.
it’d taken years for you to finally come to terms with him being gone. you weren’t sure if he was snapped or died in battle, but it didn’t matter. either way, peter’s name joined the list of the fallen.
truthfully, you were rather shocked to see “phantom peter” again. you’d never forgotten about him, but you were so convinced that it was a closed chapter in your life. you’d graduated, began college and started adulthood, leaving him behind. yet there he was. you closed your eyes and tried not to think about it—the same way you’d done for years.
your eyes shot open. his voice was soft, shaky. it still had that boyish charm you’d remembered. you were convinced your ears must’ve been playing tricks on you—he’d never spoken before. he’d lurked in all parts of your room, but never once did he use his voice.
you slowly sat up, staring at him. you knew from the second you observed him that this wasn’t the ghost that had acquainted itself with your room. his mannerisms, his expressions; they were all too human.
“i-it’s you.” you said, the shock nearly tying off your airway.
“uh, yeah. yeah it is.” something soared inside you. hearing him through something that wasn’t the crackle of your voicemail inbox or a stupid video you’d taken years ago left you staggered. he was broken, you could hear that—yet you couldn’t help but feel relief.
“i thought you were dead, pete.”
“i guess i did too. but i woke up on another planet and there was this huge portal and then i was fighting again and—. i guess my point is i woke up and the first thing i wanted was you.” he stepped a foot closer to the bed and you could see the hurt within him. he looked like he’d been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and it’d finally gotten the best of him. “i just—i lost tony. and now i feel like i’ve lost you too.”
you tried to think of absolutely anything
that would console him, but your mind couldn’t get past reaching your arms out and allowing him to envelope himself around you. his warmth was familiar, like something you’d longed for without knowing it. behind the smell of gunpowder and blood you could catch the scent of his shampoo. his cologne still had the cinnamon smell that burnt down your throat.
in all the years that you developed and grew, peter was nothing. dust on a planet millions of miles away from home. they only difference was: stemming from this nothing was grief and sorrow and change that he’d never asked for. you couldn’t decide if he’d grown up too soon or not soon enough, but either way, you had to be the one to tell him things were going to be okay.
oh man i’ve been kcspbrck / jackgrzer / one i forgot / and now this! sorry for all the changes oop.
GUESS WHO PASSED ALL THEIR EXAMS