Num num Fakin Bacon for my Halloween cat, Onyx
Num num Fakin Bacon for my Halloween cat, Onyx
That brown streak is a mouse who ran in out of the cold. He jumped. I screamed. Camera captured this.
I am going to be late to the Farm to make Kettle Corn. I blame Lumen.
Please delete this if you're "hetmales dni" but I'm a young straight natal boy and since you're a mom i felt like asking you: how can i help my sister to become more independent and confident in herself? She's 7, our family is very conservative and pushes her towards deferent femininity. She's also a short kid so I feel like i'm observing a slowmo car crash but unable to stop it. That she will feel inferior, hurt. I also have deep fear of how other boys & men will treat her as she enters puberty
I raised 3 (plus many foster) “het males” lol I interact daily with them.. they are surprisingly human. Big brothers can have an amazing impact on their younger sisters.
My middle son (24) and youngest daughter (15) are great friends. He lets her tag along to haunted houses and takes her to fast food when I say “no”. (sibling solidarity). My youngest son (22) was always great with her. Riding the rides at amusement parks with her so she wouldn’t be scared and letting her go with him to football games in high school. They treated her like someone they liked. Feeling like you are likeable is huge for younger siblings.
You are not wrong to worry about your little sister in such an environment and you obviously can’t control your family or the greater world that will no doubt expose her to gender roles and expectations that are not healthy or fit her personality or likes. But you can treat her with respect and be interested in her interests and share yours.
A good big brother is a powerful ally. Show her how to do things and let her try. Encourage new efforts and when she fails allow to keep trying and let her know that not getting it right at first is human and has nothing to do with male, female, boy or girl. When you are working on just about anything from homework to oil changes show her. Let her get right in there and try. Let her get it wrong under the saftey of your supervision so she gains the courage to try things without always trying to be perfect.
My experience as a Girl Scout leader, a parent and even as a young girl myself is that girls will not try things that think they will be bad at or fail at because they are accustomed to men around them demeaning them as “just a girl” or “girls can’t do this” or that they are dumb for not knowing certain things. They learn very quickly to not try hard things because they get put down but if they ask for help they are given at least neutrality or subtle hints if not out right praise for being “helpless”. I used to hear “people don’t like girls who are too stubborn or loud or dirty of ….” fill in the boy/man gender role expectation…. Be the man (person) who allows her space to try, learn, grow and figure things out with positive encouragement.
Teach her but also, let her know you want to share what you know. If she senses you are doing it just to do it she will back down. And if she is not interested that is ok too. Find things she likes and let her teach you. Somethings you can insist on teaching even a 7 year old. Things that will make her independent can protect her from financial, physical or emotion abuse by a partner or others in her life. This gives her life skills and she knows that in a pinch she can trust her big brother to help without putting her down
7 years olds can learn about money. They can save. They can put air in bike or car ties. They can learn about staying safe from strangers. They can learn how to ask for help from a store clerk or other safe person in public. They can learn to tell someone “no” to unwanted touch. And that can be from a stranger OR even a family member they don’t want to hug.
As a fellow short person understanding leverage can be very helpful. Teach her it is not always about brute strength or power. It can be understanding the use of tools (safe step ladders or grippy pads for jars) and of intelligence. Solving problems not just getting someone to do it. So when she needs help, solve it together don’t just do it for her. 7 yo are amazingly interested in learning how to DO on their own.
Confidence and self worth go a long way in their world. Being a girl should be neutral but since it is not in our culture, give her the knowledge of knowing her sex is not the issue, it is the bad behavior of others that are the problem. And the skills to not rely on the (shitty) opinions and outside praise from others.
Also.. buy her and you some matching t shirts or hoodies. Then.. have a day of fun wearing them together. She now has clothing that is gender neutral and mom and dad will hopefully see that as something nice you did for her and let her have them. She will love it as dorky as it sounds.
My “office” view tonight.
“Tickets please”. Trying to look slightly scary while wearing my Pom hat at the Scream Acres haunted corn field.
It has no doubt been a rough couple of weeks compounded by a very busy work schedule. Between my normal job, Crazy Eddie and the Kettle Corn/Farm job I work 7 days a week, often 12 to 15 hour days. Like Ed says “no work, no pay” and now, since the work is available i take on as much as I can because you never know when the stream will run dry.
This little free backpack has become my constant companion. It was given to Lori a few years ago and we put it in the closet.. Unless it says Nike or Addias she is not interested. My old Columbia pack wore out so I grabbed this one.
As a younger girl I would HAVE NEVER used this, even when I was careful to not be see as “manish” or “masculine” I very much did not want to be seen as “girly” or “that kind of girl”. I was much more comfortable being sort of a boring girl. Nothing to see here.. move along boys. I would have felt insulted had someone assumed I played with Barbies or cared about my hair and nails. I didn’t believe myself to be like other girls.
Looking back I was playing right into society’s control over myself and fellow girls. In my head, without thinking about it, I was shaming girls for doing what society itself also rewards them for doing. In truth, girls should be able to like purple and pink and Barbie and also enjoy things not encouraged for us to try like bugs and trucks and dirt bikes.
I like this little pack. It is bright and cheery, sturdy and just the right size for my lunch, extra socks, Tylenol, snacks and a notebook. It holds everything I need for my busy day and it makes people smile.
A butch and her American Princess backpack taking on the world together. Turns out I was like the other girls., now just like other women, and I love it.
hi jen, i love your blog and seeing your life as an older lesbian gives me hope. i'm in my mid twenties, and after a decade of being an out trans man, i'm starting to realise i'm actually be a butch lesbian. i'm conflicted - i know i'm not a man, i definitely know i'm not a straight man, but i don't want to detransition, or stop taking testosterone. i don't regret top surgery. i'm having a hard time reconciling how comfortable and 'at-home' i feel in my body that passes as a man, with how in my brain i know i'm a butch woman. i don't want to change how i look to pass as female but i also don't want others to see me as male. it's a conundrum.
In a totally gender neutral world it would not matter how others perceive us. Sadly we are far from neutral and augmenting our outside appearance can give us comfort or at least some feeling of body autonomy because how we are perceived by the outside world can affect the way we are treated, the way we are expected to behave, safety, opportunities and on and on.
I understand the need to be perceived a certain way, especially as it relates to different times in our lives. In high school dresses and “feminine” clothing only seemed to highlight my “masculinity”. It was impossible for me to hide how uncomfortable I was. I also felt the strong need to not be seen as a lesbian (or butch-even if I didn’t have the word for it). So when I wanted to wear cowboy boots, button downs and wrangler vests I went with generic gender neutral clothing like sweatshirts, tennis shoes and plain jeans.
When I came out my friends supported me in however I wanted to dress, encouraing me to not worry about the outside world, Those that matter know who I am and most importantly I was learning about me, about being butch and how I fit into the world as just that.
I have know women with full beards, balding hairlines, small or no breasts and many other features that the world sees as “man”. Some of these women were naturally hairy, others had taken medication which altered their hair growth. Some of the women had breast reduction or removal either for health reasons, comfort or personal choice. My point is the world (strangers) will see what they see and don’t worry about them because the perceptionsof others is not a variable you can control and trying to do so will be wasted time and energy.
Put your energy into finding other butch friends, Look for lesbians to be in your friend circle. Being “seen” is easy when you surround yourself with friends who care enough to know who you are.
This is weird advice so ignore it if you want. Smiling and saying “hello” when you see concern or confusion can go a long way to ease tension and allow people to adjust their visual of you to the “feel” of you. The “vibe” you have (in modern terns). Smiling and greeting people I meet has often helped me to disarm those who are unsure in my presence.
Give yourself time and don’t stop or not stop anything based on the opinion of others. You get to decide how to proceed in life. Being butch really is wonderful and it is not about your role, your personality, your job or your hobbies. Butch truly is How you move in the world. It is how you are seen as much as how you see yourself. You get to be you on your terms
Last butterfly if the season.
Vampire cowboy anon here: oops I feel the need to clarify some stuff bc words are not my strong suit lol. So I think he was thinking of brokeback mountain becuse we watched the film last month. The original outfit was going to just be cowboy plus some blood bc special effects makeup is the only kind of makeup I'm good at and feel comfortable in and its not somting you can really wear outside moat of the year the problem is my sfx makeup is quite realistic we played with the idea of adding glitter to the blood (less worrying and more fun) but again the possibility could be misinterpreted came up. My friend is chill he just has a very different taste in makeup to me (he does it properly foundation and all and I just do things on a bare face bc I like the way my skin looks and don't like how heavy makeup feels). I could just be a regular cowboy but it's not really a thing to dress as somthing non spooky for Halloween here and I do enjoy my sfx makeup. Also for the comment asking if I'll be okay I'm the legal drinking age and then some and am going with a group incl people I live with I have just been missing out because just after I moved to a city with actual gay clubs covid happend! And thank you so much for your reply to my last ask I'm feeling a lot more confident now :)
I honestly don’t think ANY one would equate a vampire cowboy to BrokeBack Mountain the movie. That was a period movie about two men who were “modern” cowboys and did not fit the parameters that many people of the time (and even now) think gay men do or should. It is also from 2005 so it is over 16 years old. And one movie.
Many people your age have probably only heard of the movie as part of pop culture and haven’t actually seen it, at least not recently.
Don’t give it a second thought. Do it up right and have a blast. Don’t drink and drive and make sure you have friends around to watch your back should you drink too much.
Happy Indigenous People’s Day. Someone I love dearly won’t see this, but you are in my heart and mind on this day. I know you miss many of your family’s traditions. I know you celebrate your heritage in your heart, even if quietly and unknown to others. I know you haven’t and won’t attend a powwow in the place you grew up anytime soon.
I know in your eyes there is your history and I hear the native accent in your voice when you speak about your past.
I hope on this day, and all days, you know your native ancestors would be proud to call you daughter, friend, cousin..
I was going to go out for Halloween with my friends to a gay club and I was going to be a vampire cowboy but today my friend did a makeup test on me of the blood (lil bit of mouth blood and some neck bites) and he said it might no be a good idea bc it might look like I was making fun of hate crimes by dressing as a cowboy (he said this was already risky bc I'm a lesbian and not a gay man) and then adding the blood would be really bad and I see where he's coming from and now I dont really want to go out and I already had my outfit sorted and idk what to do I do think it's a bad idea I feel stupid bc of how exited I was to be a cowboy :(. It was also going to be my first time going to an actual gay club even though I've been (forcibly) out(ed) since I was 14 I dint know who else to ask this as the other lesbains I know are also my age but only recently realised they are gay so they come to me to ask this kind of stuff but I dint have anybody to ask. I'm just feeling really sad and I dint know what else to do ther than not go
I am going to be pretty frank here, I have NO IDEA where he is coming from or what kind of horseshit he is referring to at all. And unless I am missing something, your friend is not making any sense at all. Lesbians can dress as a cowboy vampire for Halloween just as much as anyone else.
In fact it is a long standing tradition and well know fact in my world that lesbians LOVE to dress up as cowboys, even cowboy vampires if they can get some fake blood.
I am not sure if he is speaking about hate crimes against gay cowboys? Gay vampires? Sounds like he needs to chill out and loosen up.
Put on that cowboy hat, get yer boots pulled on, strap on that 6 shooter and splatter a little blood on your face and neck and go have fun at the gay bar, at a party, and getting gas at Kwik Trip. People will love it and you will make great cowboy.
Costume advice, Get an eyebrow pencil darker than your hair color and draw on a full mustache and a scruffy neck beard too Don’t for get the side burns.
I am actually quite curious what is the leather assless chaps your friend is even talking about because it actually sounds like he is making up some virtue signaling bullshittery to ruin your excitement and because his costume probably sucks.
If I get any kind of understandable explanation I will take this back.. but I am pretty confident he is full of crap.
Happy National Coming Out Day. I came out in 1993 and i was terrified of loosing friends and family. Instead I lost my fear and, with a bit of time, my feeling of being wrong or broken and of not being able to find love and connections with other women.
I did gain an amazing flannel collection though.
It’s not a Renaissance festival until you’re double fisting lemonade out of plastic mugs and singing sea shanties along with the band.
cowboy Jen! where do you get your flannels 😔 I'm looking for affordable ones and I am open to allll suggestions!
I wait for other lesbians to outgrow them and swap. FlannelRama is what we call it
But… for the best vintage ones I go to local thrift shops (not big name ones like Goodwill) and estate or tag sales. Often, there hanging in the closet are well worn flannels for a buck or two.
Ask your grandpa or uncles or other relatives. Lots of older folks have flannels tucked in their closet and they are happy to pass them down. My dad gave me many before he passed.
I even have one from an abandoned farm house. I went in looking for a run away dog and there.. in the closet..a quilted red flannel just waiting for a new home.
Older lesbians often have tons hanging around and if you are willing to hear the story(ies) behind it they will hand them down to the next generation.
I didn’t know you could make a baked potato in the microwave until by boss brought in a 5 lb bag and told me to make them for supper. I asked how long in the oven? She said two minutes in the microwave after you poke it with a fork.
My life was forever changed in that moment
So many choices. This is the only closet I am comfortable in.
I drove home from an early morning shift at the farm making kettle korn for the weekend and had 15 minutes before I had to leave for my real job. I made out with my girlfriend for about 10 minutes after she said I smelled sweet. I was literally covered in kettle korn sugar. Living my best lesbian life in those minutes.
Before and after pictures of a shed being built by three lesbians and Crazy Eddie. Next week to headers and some tin
Toad Faces. Yesterday was the last day of summer but I hope a few more toad show up before the weather gets cold.
These are in my buddy Crazy Eddie’s stock tank. So cute. Those tails LOL
Hi! Just wanted to say... being a lesbian in a heteronormative world is soooo hard sometimes. Everything from books, movies, parents, culture, etc is always trying to enforce some type of connection to men. And it always feel like someone is trying to change us. It’s so insidious
You are not wrong. Some of the most confusing events in my early life around my sexuality was due to TV characters. It sounds silly but in a time before internet and cell phones, sitcoms and local TV were are largest interactions with the outside world, especially small town kids. My parents didn’t get cable until I was out of college.
I would feel a kinship with characters like Buddy on 8 is Enough (Kristy McNichols-Lesbian) and Jo from Fact of Life (Nancy McKeon –straight) and Jodie Foster in Freaky Friday (lesbian) and Tatum O Neal in Bad News Bears (straight) because they played girls (around my age)that resembled the way I felt about how I fit in the world. They all felt very much “like me” but then ended up with the boy (ew). And that made me think I was ALSO going to outgrow this “liking girls” thing.
Since every girl I related to played “straight” (even in their real–ie public Life) I thought I would follow the same path. I would outgrow this phase of both liking girls like my friends liked boys AND my tomboyness. And mom telling me it was a phase (meaning well) meant I was still waiting for it to pass well into my early 20′s.
My best friend and I shared the same love of rough and tumble games, horses, skinny dipping in ponds, taking the boys to task when they thought they could “one up us”. We consistently proved ourselves to be more clever and even stronger because we could work together unlike the boys who constantly worked against one another. I knew she was not like me. She is straight and I figured I would soon like boys too. It never happened, but not for lack of my trying.
Our culture teaches us to mistrust our own feelings and self worth and instead to listen to the voices outside of us. Men dominate our culture so we get a lot of praise from them and others when we fulfill their expectations of how we should be. And we get apathy, or worse, demeaning or negative attention when we instead follow our own internal passions and needs.
You are not wrong. Two women in love, or a group of women trusting themselves and each other is terrifying to any one who wishes to maintain control over others. When any group of people share certain realities and pass on the stories and tips on how best to navigate in the world we spend less time reinventing the wheel and more time growing and strengthening on an existing foundation. Less time wasted and more time building our power.
Find women you most relate to (and ONLY YOU get to decide who fits that criteria) and make friends, create trust and community. Surround yourself with those who “get you”. It is worth the time.
I don’t know where my youngest son gets his fashion sense.
I'm the 6-years-no -intimacy person who messaged you in July and I have a small update. First I wanna thank you for your kind words! I realize now that I kind of skirted around some things in my last message, so I'll clear that up.
I've hit it off with a handful of people in the past 6 years, but they were all fleeting relationships where I never went any farther then kissing. When I said intimate I meant I had sex for the first time in 6 years and it was more of a casual thing then a dating sort of thing. It was still very impactfull to me nonetheless.
The update is that I met the woman I hooked up with again last saturday. We hadn't really talked since last time (we live very far away from eachother and met at a mutual friends get-together) which tipped me off that this was a casual thing and we had another really fun night together. I found out she's a great dancer too.
I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm certainly enjoying the time we spend together. I'm also completely okay with keeping things casual between us as I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship right now.
Thank you again for your previous advice. I feel very grateful to have a nosy butch mom around with whom I can share these sorts of things
I think a common thread humans share is none of us know what we are doing most of the time. LOL.. I have learned in 53 years to not stop doing what is working because at some point in the future it may or may not work.
Pursuing something that gives you and another person happiness is worth it even if the chances are it doesn’t last. The length of a relationship is not a judgement on its worth. The ability to enjoy and gain wonderful experiences with another person, even if for a short time, is a worthwhile endeavor as long as both people are on the same page and no one is lying to themselves or the other about reality.
This old butch lesbian is working late tonight. A little too tired to smile.
Lori did NOT want to get up to go to school even after the extra hour she has since we driver her and she does not have to take the bus. I explained that part of growing up is sucking it up (tired or not) and following through on responsibilities: Jobs, school, appointments etc. She cursed the person that decided school had to start early and be so rigid .
Being the lesbian mom i am it was not doubt a man and he was supporting the patriarchy by creating a system designed to “train” children for the industrial work force of 7 to 6 daily. And that same system then becomes day care to keep all the kids born of those factory and office workers. The need for such a work day replaced the schools that were more flexible around families and harvest and light and dark. BUT American school, those that are federally funded have never been about stoking the natural curiousness of children.
Today we have school little changed from the early 1900′s, training and babysitting kids for a work force that is long gone. Over all men are still the major force of the government and school board.
Then I told her to read The Jungle to have some idea. She left me on read after that. LOL.. So I sent her a photo of me at the job I love, which is NOT a typical 9 to 5 job but I still have to be there on time and do what is expected no matter how tired I am. I am responsible to my boss, my co workers and kittens like Joey.
She woke up her big brother to take her, showered and made it (30 minutes late) but she made it and did it on her own.