I replied, “That makes two of us.”
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.”
The doctor comes back the next day,
“So, have you spoken with your wife?” "Yes I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen”
Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:“ It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”.
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.
“Avast, sawbones,” he growls, “I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin’ kind.”
The doctor has a look at the pirate’s back. “It’s OK,” he says, “they’re benign.”
“Arrr… look again,” says the pirate, “I’m pretty sure there be ten.”
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, “Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree.”
“Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me.” replied the monkey.
“Well, O.K. I’ll be right up.”
So the monkey and the lizard are smoking up the weed, getting pretty fucked up and philosophizing about how harsh the jungle can be. After awhile, the lizard starts to get thirsty.
“Ill be right back. Gonna get a drink from the river.”
The lizard heads to the river for a drink, but is so high that he falls in the river, and starts to drown. An alligator sees him drowning and feels bad for him. If the alligator had a son, he would look a lot like that lizard; he’d be damned if he let that little lizard drown. Carrying the lizard safely to the shore, the alligator asks,
“What happened lizard? How could you be so careless man?
"I’m fucked up. Gator, I’m really fucking high. This monkey in a tree has got sack of budah he needs to-
"Yeah, in a tree-
"A monkey in a tree got you so high you nearly drown? I gotta meet this monkey.”
So the alligator heads into the woods in search of the monkey. There, plain as day, is the monkey with huge blunt smoking away.
“Hey monkey!” shouted the alligator.
The monkey took a long confused look at the alligator and said,
“Holy shit man, how much water did you drink?”
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”
The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”
Edit - typo
The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the black, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The black man says to the white man, “That’s typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The black man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the black man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”
The black man replies, “Look in the white mans back pocket…..”
When asked what his super power is, the man replies “Hindsight”.
The doctor says “That won’t be of any use to us”.
The man replies, “Yes, I see that now”.
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you wanna sit down and watch your daddy you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”
“I know,” she replies, “I’m gonna get tits too.
He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, “Hold on for a minute”, and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
“Chief, we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.” “How important? A governor or something?” “No sir, he’s bigger.” “So what, a celebrity??” “More important, sir.” “A major politician???” “No sir, he’s much bigger than that.” “WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????”
“Sir, actually, I’m not sure but the pope’s his driver.”
“Where in the hell are you off to?” He asked
The wife replied, “Im off to New York!”
“Whats so special about New York?” The man asked
“In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!” She shouted
The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes into a bag.
“What are you doing?” The wife questioned.
“I want to see you survive in New York on $800 per year!”
Father: “That’s great, do I know her?”
Son: “Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street.”
Father: “Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don’t tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister.”
The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.
After few months he comes to his dad again.
Son: “I am in love with even more beautiful girl.”
Father: “That’s great who is she?”
Son: “Libiena living across the street, you know her.”
Father: “That’s bad, I have to disappoint you again, she is your sister, I am sorry.”
It goes the same path with Zorlien, Marlen, Nurith, Malvina, Viera, Korona, Efrin and Sola.
Furious one day the boy decides to tell her mom.
Son: “It is horrible, I can’t date any girl in this town because apparently dad fucked up the whole city and every girl is my sister!”
Mom: “Silly you, don’t worry, he is not your father…”
He walked up to the madam of the house and says “I want a whore.”
The Madam started to protest that he was too young, when he slam down $500 on the table. Startled, the Madam started to again protest when the boy drop another $500 on top the pile of money and goes,”and the whore has to have gonorrhea!”
The Madam was still hesitant, but greed won out and she proceeded to lead to boy, still dragging his dead frog, into one the back room with a waiting infected hooker.
After awhile the boy comes out with his dead frog in tow. As he was leaving, the Madam curious, asked him why he wanted sex with a diseased hooker.
Little Johnny stopped and answered, “Well now I am going home and have sex with the babysitter. Then later on tonight when my Dad take the babysitter home, he’ll fuck her, and when my Mom gets home late tonight, my parent will have sex. Then in the morning, after my Dad leave for work, my mother will then fuck the Milkman. He’s the bastard that ran over my frog!”