I want to take a quick minute to write since I still have half an hour until class starts. And I felt a lot of emotions yesterday.
I got a house now. I’m moving out.
So yesterday I went to take a look at it. It was very quickly because of covid. We were in a small group and looking at one of the clusters. The shared kitchen looked really nice and I liked the ‘bring a chair’ concept they created. My room was amazing. Perfect size, nice pantry, nice bathroom. VERY big window so a lot of light. For as far as I’m aware I have the morning sun which I love. The flooring, curtains and wallpaper were already there too. I think I’m gonna paint one wall in either a light grey or blue. I’ll see about that. I could very much see myself living there. And my grandparents and in-laws were all very enthusiastic too. I’ll be moving somewhere next month.
So how do I feel about it? Firstly I’m incredibly happy, but I always have a hard time feeling happy for myself. Then there’s also some kind of sadness because of the way this all went down. Basically having to move out because my mother and sister are emotionally abusive towards me. Lastly I’m kind of nervous about the whole thing. I always have this thing that when something exciting happens and it’s getting closer I start internally screaming that I don’t want it anymore and then I freak out. Even though I do really want it. Always have that when going on holiday as well. That’s kind of how this feels, but the moment I’m going to pick up my keys it’s probably gonna be even worse. But that’s okay.
I completely understand how I feel. I hope I can allow myself to also actually feel those things. I had a hard time with it yesterday so I was just a little bit off. And then my mom focusing on the ‘negatives’, which aren’t all that negative to me, didn’t make it better.
But here’s this: I will be okay. And I can finally believe that.