[alton brown cutthroat kitchen voice] now contestants, for this challenge, we have a tuesday special! or, should i say, a CHEWSday special. that’s right blokes, for this next challenge i want you all to make me……….. a smack barm pey wet
[middle aged italian man from bronx voice] now ive never heard of no smack barm or pey wet, but i figure hey, im from the bronx, how friggin’ hard can it be? so immediately i grab a pound of veal, a pound of ground beef, all of a sudden alton’s starting his little countdown and i look at the basket of the bozo next to me and i realize, aw crap! i was grabbing the stuff for spaghetti & meatballs!
[the token woman of the episode voice] all the men here hate me. theyre out to get me because im pretty. theyre all plotting against me. im here to show them that women CAN cook. if any of them sabotage me its because of misogyny. they hate to see a #girlboss winning. instead of grabbing any ingredients i took my basket and just started fucking swinging
[mid-20s white guy from california voice] i know that im the best chef here. everyone else cant even compare. my dad gave me 50k loan to open up my texmex asian fusion food truck on the LA beach and we have 2 regulars. ive been oppressed my whole life and im here to prove i can do anything. so immediately i get an idea - pea tacos topped with avocado ice cream
[voice of the absolute weirdest fucking person youve ever seen in your life. just indescribable] i brought my own set of knives to the show. when i first entered i growled and hissed at the other contestants to intimidate them. if i dont win im waiting to ambush alton in the parking lot. i once visited england as part of a spiritual awakening so i think i have this challenge in the bag
my favorite tumblr experience ever was someone calling me a misogynist for this post