@distinctlybenign

picsthatmakeyougohmm:

teaboot:

Old man insults are wild. “Slut”, “Whore”, “Dumb Bitch”….. Sir, those are respectable occupations. Call me a landlord

mwg-7:

everythingfox:

You’ve got mail

(via)

lobotomybarbie:

Can the person who has me trapped in their tamagotchi make me do some basic tasks today please.

metalheadsforblacklivesmatter:

-fae

swan2swan:

funnytwittertweets:

good-ho-mens:

Things that happened at work today that makes me sure I’m living a goddamn fever dream (keep in mind I live in a religious and conservative town, and this is a thrift store)

• Lady asked where we keep our valuable items and when I pointed at the glass shelves of assorted Xbox 1’s and old Apple watches she got mad because she thought we would have “discounted Gucci”
• Coworker came out today and changed their name and my manager tried to page them to the front by their dead name, paused for two seconds, said “cancel [deadname]” and then called them up by their actual name. All seven gay employees including me cried so she panicked and bought us cookies from the vending machine
• A guy legit proposed to his girlfriend in the store and my manager gave them half off the wedding dress they bought ten minutes later.
• A guy came in absolutely zooted, asked if our floor supervisor was Bob Ross (tbf, Albert does kinda look like Bob Ross), cried over a little cow statue, and left
• The coworker who came out asked the only cishet guy who works here to welcome them to the skater boys. He went over the store wide speaker and said “Sodern is a part of the skater boys. Everyone clap” it was followed by a good twenty seconds of confused clapping from customers.
• Some guy told me I have “exotic eyes” (they’re blue), and I, apparently too tired to remember what customer service is or think about what I was saying, responded “thanks it’s the incest”
• Someone called the fire department because they saw someone vaping. The fire department was very nice and all bought matching t-shirts on their way out.
• Our speaker is apparently connected to Bluetooth.
• All Star by Smash Mouth started playing at 8pm and looped on repeat for an hour.

moveslikekeithrichards :

they dont pay me enough to witness this shit

nbmudkip:

ndiecity:

Transing your gender… Please don’t turn off the console…

turned off the console while my gender was getting transed to unlock a fucked up corrupted gender

lezzyharpy :

lezzyharpy :

every time i see some old house thats been bought and “updated” to look like an identical HGTV open floor plan granite countertop sterile white furniture look i become more and more motivated to someday accomplish my dream of buying a swanky modern house and renovating it by installing 70s wood paneling and accordion doors and comfy orange and brown couches with laminate countertops everywhere

i want to reverse flip houses, i want to be rich enough to buy fancy new homes and absolutely ruin their resale value by making them more cozy and comfy and good

takes your faux minimalist mcmansion and does this to it instead

an-eccentric-devil:

transmechanicus:

It must be exhausting being a vampire and eating someone who gets off to it. I’d take psychic damage too if my lasagna was into vore.

dexmathylphenidate :

annabethisterrified :

lemjpanda13 :

acoolguy :

siahatha :

it’s time we start oppressing ppl that use the word “hubby”

sorry but “Hubble Space Telescope” takes too long to say

@annabethisterrified you’re

w h a t

LOL yep that’s the day job! I started last year after graduating, working on the NASA side of things with the mission doing social media/outreach, so I’m going to do my obligatory HUBBY LINK DROP: insta, twitter, fb

imnotrevealingmyname :

silly-jellyghoty :

phantomrose17 :

dailyhangover :

Fuck

charlesoberonn :

charlesoberonn :

charlesoberonn :

Heartwarming story: Little girl doesn’t have to do anything to fund her dad’s surgery because his expenses are covered by his country’s universal healthcare.

Human determination: Man bikes 18 miles to work every morning because he wants to and not because he can’t afford a car and would be fired if he’s late.

Spirit of Brotherhood: Neighbors host housewarming party for elderly resident who doesn’t need help in paying rent because his pension is more than enough.

ana-bolism:

ana-bolism:

The fact 100% of the members of Green Day are bi is so funny to me because they’ve been a band since high school and that has to be the most perfect representation of the classic case of one person in a group coming out as queer and then everyone else comes out and you realise you were all queer all along

Imagine being a member of Green Day and just

sabertoothwalrus :

sabertoothwalrus :

I’m not going to explain myself

this image feels appropriate to put here

serialreblogger :

literaryreference :

undeadwill:

friendly-neighborhood-patriarch:

theinturnetexplorer:

the crows are his allies now.

“THE DEBT MUST BE REPAID. YOU HAVE OUR ALLEGIANCE, HUMAN”

@theclockworkscarecrow

That’s actually how it works.

Crows: smart enough to not only remember but convey to their buddies which humans were nice to them that one time and which were jerks, but dumb enough to get their heads stuck in fences, apparently.

AREN’T WE ALL

todaysbird:

artistcosmic:

I can’t wait to get murdered in Pokemon Legends

radiosnack:

roach-works:

doorstoplord:

“Describe homestuck” is a weird question, because you can describe the overarching plot but not the weird branches it shoots off into

Like, “Homestuck is about a reality altering video game that comes about at the end of every world that, if beaten, allows the players to become gods of the next world. we follow four kids from our world who play it, the aliens from the previous game that made our world, and a ‘reboot’ game that comes about when ours fails.”

And then someone asks about how the fuck Betty Crocker plays into it and you don’t fucking know how to answer without a goddamn essay

giving someone a quick, offhand summation of homestuck like it didn’t consume at least three years of your life:

THEY ASK A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION:

and then i rant about how the author decided to drag his fans through the mud and ruin a decent concept for a fictional work and you cant stop me

tiktokarchive:

tubeon:

causticapophenia:

tubeon:

reapyrafa:

tubeon:

STOP saying u cant draw something u can literally draw whatever U want. I wanna draw a horse, BAM drew a horse. I wanna draw two ppl kissing BAM drew two ppl kissing. I am God of mine own hands and I will create

javi are you ok

I can draw you disintegrating

What the FUCK IS HOMESTUCK ABOUT??

alaimo :

my-wanton-self:

animalwoonz:

Personal space? Nope - never heard of it.

Is that…… them

scottandhiskind :

quousque :

olofahere :

glumshoe :

Hey, @the-rain-on-your-dandelions, has anyone told you that you’re a genius? That’s an incredible system. I wish I had a friend group that could function for!

I could see this working for dinners, too

it’s like the Mom Friend Anxiety Hack, but for chores.

Crowdfunding adulthood

egberts:

dilfosaur :

every day is a new chance to draw the worst thing you’ve ever drawn

nonetoon:

nonetoon:

nonetoon:

nonetoon:

nonetoon:

Concept: the “almost anyone can be in Smash Bros” sentiment but with Animal Crossing crossover villagers

Walk into your campsite only to be faced with a Papyrus ostrich villager

You know what ostrich villager Papyrus, while sound a concept, is extremely cursed in execution so I apologize ahead of time for what I’m going to make you all look at later

Welcome, gamers

I hope you all know that I was very very close to drawing King of the Cosmos rabbit villager instead of the Prince but chickened out after sketching his face into that body

arirna: