@doublerad

Hopefully tomorrow I will be told whether I will be allowed to graduate college or not. Due to some bureaucratic shenanigans and a lack of competent counseling on my advisor’s part, there is one upper division arts and humanities requirement I have not met.

But everything else is perfect and complete and signed-off on. Just let me be a goddamn scientist! Don’t make me do one more semester for one freaking art class!

Its killing me. I just need to know. I have had anxiety everyday since I found out I had to petition for my degree. UGGggggh.

Thanksgiving Break, day 2: depression strikes! Just want to lay on the carpet and watch the clouds through the skylight. 

The last two days have been so hard. I’m not ready to face any of it. I don’t know what to do and I’m tired of crying in front of strangers. 

I just miss my loved ones. I need a hug.

Today’s self-care: polenta casserole followed by mexican hot cocoa with almond milk and extra cinnamon. 

Everything is going to be ok.

My new favorite way to self-care while I study:

Huge mason jar filled with water, ice (or not), cucumber, lemon and tincture of something calming. Big straw. Repeat.

It feels kind of yuppy/ Women’s Health Magazine but it fucking works so fuck it.

Warning: much venting follows.

I’m having a real hard time keeping my head above water this week. I had the worst migraine that laid me out for two days. Then on top of scary fuckin midterms up the wahzoo, and a grad school phone interview (tomorrow morning) which has me shitting my pants, I’ve been fighting with my partner. Gah. 

This has got to be the most embarrassing fight ever. I mentioned that I felt stinky. He said, “Its probably because your pits are so hairy.” But like, not in a nice way. It was a sneer. It was mean. And I know women are always like, “It wasn’t what he said but the tone he used…” But seriously.

I may have overreacted. I got really mad. I was like, “Do you have a problem with my pithair? Does it bother you or something?!” And he said,“…um….no? Maybe. Not really..”  So we got into a whole debate about gender presentation and gender roles and people who think their partners should change for them. He’s acted weird about it before. I even heard him say once that another girl’s hairy pits grossed him out. I asked him if he had to chose shaved or unshaved and he picked shaved. Does that mean I gross him out? Does he find me less sexy? Bottom line is I’m not conforming to anybody else’s ideals, I DO ME. I’m not gonna break up with him over fucking armpit hair but it bummed me out. 

I guess it just disappointed me the most to think that he is just like every other shallow, chauvinist man-boy-child out there. Despite the fact that he says he’s an ally and a feminist and a believer in revolution etc. And despite the fact that I have been many degrees of hairy the long-ass time we’ve been together!

I love my kitten pits :(

Migraine town has got me down again. Why do I barf so much?

I’m going through a weird phase right now where I don’t want to have sex. Last night I tried and ended up crying and causing a scene. I don’t know what my problem is. I just really wasn’t feeling it and I was forcing myself anyway. Note to self: that is the dumbest idea ever, never force anything. 

I feel guilty, like I’m acting like a tease. “Yes, I want it. Wait no, I don’t want it." 

I think I’m just really stressed out and my libido is dead as a result. RIP libido.

Feeling weird like I want to shave part of my head. But what part? Idk, I want to feel slightly less femme. Also, been thinking about head tattoos. Is that the worst idea I’ve ever had?

Also, going to try and watch the L Word series without freaking out. Wimp stick. 

I am having the worst anxiety today. Almost had to get up and leave in the middle of one of my classes. It started because I realized that a couple of the grad schools I’m applying to requires you to fill out TWO applications; one to send to the normal admissions place and one to send directly to the department you want. And they have different due dates.

Jesus fucking christ, why do they do this shit. I thought I was being really organized and on top of my shit because the department due dates are like in May, but the fucking normal due date is December 1st. In literally one month. And I just found out about it.

So GRE or bust. 

Fuck this shit. I just wanna fuck off and ride around the country, working on organic farms, sleeping under the stars, making art, writing, meeting cool people. I want to not worry about due dates and formal paperwork. I want to sleep in and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle and have sex outside all the time.

Seriously, I moved ten hours away to start over. To get away from that incestuous little bubble of drama. To not have to deal with “friends” like you. I have spent YEARS healing, trying to re-establish myself and figure out who I want to surround myself with. I hadn’t spoken with you once. Now that I have found some new friends, who I actually kind of like but am afraid to get close to, you come up here and infiltrate the safe space I have made. I find myself watching you become better friends with her in a few weeks than I have been able to in months. Going out to breakfast, spending the day together, having sleep overs. 

God, I feel so pathetic for being so jealous. I thought I had escaped my past but it has followed me up here after six years of silence. And it has quickly replaced me. 

Gonna be Deathface Ginny of the brand spankin new Pretty Deadly comic for halloween. 

!!

Duster in the fog. Writing in the library. Feeling better.

Woke up at 7am to a power line bursting from the breaker box in front of my house. Hundred feet of live wire. It was on top cars, sizzling and sparking in the fog. Started melting my neighbor’s tire. Fucking scary. Power went out in the whole neighborhood. The police blocked it off until PGandE could get there. Had to jump an 8-foot retaining wall to my neighbor’s yard to leave my house and go to school for a quiz.

I can get through this week.

I have been so irritable lately. Its pathetic. I can usually handle myself pretty well but I have zero tolerance for bullshit of any kind right now. 

Adjectives that appropriately describe me in this moment include but are not limited to: cranky, grumpy, grouchy, snappy, snippy, bitchy and the all-encompassing awful. 

Stay out of my way. 

Sometimes its just really hard to love yourself even though you know you should.

Been thinking about new creative ventures more than I’ve been thinking about school or anything else. I want to make art again! I’ve found various ways of incorporating art into some of my science classes but I want to make art with a theme.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender identity and femininity and femme and how difficult it can be to present yourself. Its hard to explain to someone that just because I’m wearing something feminine, like a dress, doesn’t mean I identify as a female (or that I desire male attention). It just means I like wearing dresses sometimes! Cuz they’re flowy and not constricting and its more comfortable, sometimes. That’s just an example and I understand that most of our society is unfamiliar with this concept, but it still bugs a little. Someday I would like to see stereotypical gender presentations completely destroyed. 

Huge tangent! But anyway, art. Art about gender expression. Complicated!

Must study. must study. must study.

Ah can’t! 

Also, one of my earlobes is royally pissed off and I don’t know why.  Haven’t stretched in weeks but when I woke up it was all crusty and gross. Now its hot and throbby and a lil gooey, what gives?! Help! Must have slept on it weird.

Sometimes I forget which blog to write my personal feelings in.

I’m having a difficult bout with depression. Its my last semester of college and I can’t hardly bring myself to do anything. I have three exams next week that I feel panicky about but I can’t seem to study. Yesterday I came home from school at 2, told myself I was just gonna take a quick nap and proceeded to lay on the couch the rest of the day. Didn’t even sleep the whole time, just laid there.

My friend texted me to see what I was doing and she said I was being lazy. Fuck that. I wish I was just being lazy. I don’t know, I felt physically incapable of doing ANYTHING. I just feel low, like so low that I don’t want to be outside or see anyone or cook anything or eat anything or watch anything…. The mailman came to the door and I pretended no one was home. 

My inability to do anything, when I know there are so many things I should be doing (I haven’t folded my clean clothes and put them away in like a month) exponentially increases my anxiety and I feel like having a panic attack. I am eating poorly because I always wait too long to fix something up and by the time I go to the store I’m beyond hungry and angry. I’m probably drinking more than I should. I average at three beers a night. 

I feel like its my fault that I feel like this. I’m the only one that can get me out of it. I just wish I could go clear my mind somewhere, like go camping by myself for a couple nights. 

DoubleRadish: TW violence, rape

doubleradish:

I have been thinking about that PBS special I posted earlier. The part that is on super-loop in my head is the part where they talk about chimpanzees and bonobos, our closest ancestors. I did a little extra research. Here’s a summary that will take a lot less time to read than watch that video for…

https://youtu.be/Wns5OQR74OQ

Sometimes I think, “I should stop drinking so much beer because it is probably making me fatter.” Then I think about life with out beer and I shudder. I love my chubbiness and I would rather have a beer belly and be happy than have no beer belly and live a life of self-imposed restrictions and shame. 

I’m trying so hard not to be in love with this music video right now. 

I don’t feel bad waking up my cat from a deep sleep because I’m bored, because he does it to me all the time.

I really appreciate how brave some people are. I’ve been thinking about the process of ‘coming out’ for quite a while, thinking of all the things one might have to address, all the questions one might have to answer and all the ways in which one’s life will be different from that point on. It’s fucking scary. DUH.

You could say my personality is a bit overcautious and I’m a serious planner by nature. I like to be prepared. I seem to think that if I consider every possible situation and hypothetically go through every consequence and outcome in my head, that I will somehow be prepared. Like, if I’m not surprised by anything I can’t get hurt. So I literally walk myself through as many possibilities as I can. I can’t imagine just being like, “I can’t handle it anymore! I’m just gonna explode and do whatever I want!” I’m probably some kind of major control freak too. Being spontaneous leads to situations that I can’t control.

The sad thing is, I’m exhausting myself before I’ve even begun really coming out. I’m just tired and I want all the feels to go away.

Feeling weird about life. Again. Feeling spent. I am somewhat concerned (paranoid) I have a thyroid problem (?). My mother and grandmother suffer/ed from thyroid issues. Gots no moneys though to go get checked out. I’m always tired! I’m spending the night home alone, though there is a bowling party somewhere I could have gone to. I don’t even know what to do with myself but I don’t feel like being around other people. 

I want to watch some good anime but I am out of shows. I tried to watch the first couple episode of a few series and they were AWFUL. Its so hit-or-miss. Like, they were so awful. I have that ‘Do-wacka-do" song by Roger Miller stuck in my head. WTF is wrong with me. I recommend everyone go listen to that song on Youtube and you will understand my confusion and pain at this moment. 

This post is mostly complaining because I am bored, sorry ya’ll. I’m ashamed of how many “i’’s are in this post.

I approached one of my buddies about some of my gender identity issues and you know what? It was terrible. This person, whom I have know for a while and trust, acted like such a jerk when I was telling her! She is polyamorous and pansexual and so I thought (perhaps naively) that she would be understanding and have some insight to offer me. Uh no! She seemed to think I was making it up! Like I wanted attention or something, or like I was hopping on some trending hipster queer train! I was so offended.

Its hard to explain, but this is how I have felt my entire life! The fact that I am somewhat coming out now is only because I feel strong enough to do so. I have more resources than I’ve ever had, I’ve read zines and books and blogs, I’ve watched other people face what I’m facing and I’m like, “If they can do it, I can do it.” I finally have the confidence I needed to admit it to myself. So fuck you! You think I’m contriving this little story to get attention?! You think I’m just another hipster pretending to be bi? I don’t even know what that means, or where assumptions like this come from. 

I’m just sad that someone I trusted with this issue didn’t really support me. She sort of apologized and explained a little. She said she feels like in her circle of friends there’s almost a competitiveness about who is the most queer. That sounds so ridiculous, but she’s defensive about other people’s queerness because she feels like its so a part of her identity that she doesn’t want anyone cheapening it. I understand but I don’t understand. I’m exhausted by life.

I think I need to vent about not having any friends. 

I know people. People that I give hugs to, that ask about my weekend. I know people in my classes. I know people that I used to work with who used to invite me to bbqs and things. I know a few folks that will share a cigarette with me at the bar and ask me what I’ve been up to. But none of them are REALLY my friends. They’re these weird fleeting sources of companionship that never develop into something more. 

I try. My boyfriend tells me that I don’t try hard enough, that I’m cynical and negative about becoming closer friends with people. But dude, I give people my number, I stopped into my old work to say hi and see if anyone wanted to hang out recently, I text people, I message people on facebook sometimes, I do the whole ‘lets hang out! I’m free on this weekend, beer?“ I AM FRIENDLY. I go to shows and bars and local events. I’m social enough. So what gives? I just feel like I get cancelled on a lot. I get blown off a lot. I get my texts ignored a lot. People are always really nice and friendly to my face, they act like we are buddies, and then when I actually invite them to do something they always have plans already or have to work or are sick…am I just unlucky or really unlikable? No one calls me. Texts are rare. I don’t get invited to stuff anymore.

I recently got upset because this guy I was friends with at work recently got married and I didn’t get invited. I was gone all summer so I didn’t see or talk to any of the people I used to work with for a few months. I realize it may have seemed like I dropped off the map for a little while, but I was in town when the wedding happened. I saw pictures of the wedding on facebook and I was really hurt. There were girls there that have only worked at the restaurant for six months. I worked with this guy for four years. We were buds and chatted about all kinds of stuff. There was even a post-reception after party, two blocks from my house. "Everyone” was there. But no one bothered to even tell me about that. 

Its a dumb thing to get upset about. It’s just disheartening that I have lived in this town for seven years and I don’t have anyone that I’m close with (besides the boy).

I feel bad because a lot of my venting and issues and crap is directed at my boyfriend. He loves me and I know I can tell him practically anything but I think if I had a best friend he would get less overwhelmed. Its just that I have no one else to confide in! Its sort of why I started this tumblr account. 

Feeling weird about life. What else is new. 

I’ve been trying really hard to be productive but then I catch myself sitting on my bed staring out the window for twenty minutes at a time. I don’t want to do anything. Today marks the end of the first day of school and I feel so overwhelmed. I’m excited to have a three-day weekend ahead but I can’t figure out what to do with myself. 

I made a list of things to make. Sauerkraut. Homebrew. Herb infused coconut oil. Block print postcards. But I look around my house and I see clutter and shit everywhere. I don’t want to clean and I don’t want to make projects in a messy space. So I end up watching Netflix and complain that the fridge doesn’t have any food in it. UGH. I just want to lay around and have someone simultaneously rub my feet and hands and tell me stories. And I want nachos and pale ale and Cards Against Humanity. I want friends but don’t know how to make them.

Question: If you want to sleep with other people but don't want your boyfriend to, then yes, you are selfish.
Answer:

I tend to agree with you.

Sigh.

Question: Concerning your boyfriend sleeping with other women, it wouldn't be fair as you need to explore for your own sake (since you're gender neutral and coming out) while if he does it (unless he's in the same position as you), he'd do it for the heck of having sexual relationship. If he tells you "Well, you can, why couldn't I?" you can simply answer him that you're trying to figure yourself out, you're not going to leave him. If he's uncomfortable though, you have to respect him.
Answer:

Yeah, its a little complicated. Coming out as gender neutral is just a small facet of trying to understand and explain my gender queerness. I don’t know what aspect is scarier to explain to him. I appreciate your input. I’m always open to positive suggestions!