I remember how throughout middle school - high school there was so much pressure around to be dating someone, and if you weren’t, you were a loser or deemed unattractive. Your relationship status was like a social status, and if you’ve never been in one, you’re inexperienced and missing out.
I always thought to myself, what about the work I put into my personal interests? What about the friends I build deep connections with? What about me just being capable of taking care of myself? I feel like there was a lack of emphasis of being your own self and not giving a shit about what other people are doing back in middle school / high school.
While some people may think it’s important to have had previous relationship experiences before (which yeah, it works for some people that way), there’s also nothing wrong with investing that time in yourself and your friendships, and placing yourself first ✌🏻
Fandom: Station 19, Grey’s Anatomy
Characters: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca
Summary: A chance meeting at a bar leads to these two idiots falling in love. Follows canon and fills in the gaps of their relationship that we didn’t get to see on screen.
* * * * * * * * * *
Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.
- Desmond Tutu
Carina recognises her voice before she sees her, and the smile she wears falls from her face as she turns and sees Maya standing there in front of her. Just the sight of her ex-girlfriend transports her back to that night at the apartment, when Maya had returned home and spoken the words that had broken Carina’s heart. Those feelings sit heavy on her chest and mask all of the good memories that she once held so dear. Now, all Carina feels is hurt, and the face that used to bring her so much joy only brings anger.
“What do you want?” she asks gruffly.
“I’m an idiot. You were right. I was abused, my dad was abusive,” Maya says, talking fast as the words fall out of her mouth. “But that is no excuse for what I did to you and I…” She stumbles over her words a little as she takes a deep breath.
Carina shoots Teddy an apologetic look as the trauma surgeon takes a step back, recognising the need to give them a little space.
“Just please, please, please take me back,” Maya begs. “I love you and I’ve never said that about anyone before, except my brother, so it means something.” She is a little breathless as she talks, her nerves obvious.
Carina feels her body tense as she listens to Maya’s plea. She has waited five days for something – anything – from Maya and now, here she is, throwing a declaration of love at her. They are the words that Carina has been waiting for, and yet now she hears them, she struggles to believe her. How can Maya say she loves her when she hurt her so deeply?
“I love you, Carina!” Maya says again. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” It is written all over Carina’s face that forgiveness will not come easy and so she repeats her apology again and again, willing Carina to believe it, until her voice breaks. “I’m sorry. Just please forgive me.”
She makes it sound like an apology is all it will take, like those two words will erase what has happened and fix Carina’s broken heart, but they won’t. Carina is too angry and too hurt.
Before she has chance to say anything, Teddy speaks up. “Oh my god, forgive her!”
A cry of frustration escapes from Carina as she turns to shoot Teddy a look of disbelief.
“Sorry, sorry,” Teddy says, looking sheepish.
“She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend…” Carina tells her, before turning to look at Maya. “…and then you throw it in my face just to hurt me. And what am I supposed to do now? Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?”
Hearing her betrayal spoken out loud makes Maya recoil and she takes a shaky breath. She can hear the hurt in Carina’s voice and she knows she is the cause of it. There is a part of her that wonders if she will ever earn Carina’s affection back, but Maya isn’t a quitter and she isn’t prepared to walk away without a fight.
“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Maya admits, with a small shrug. “But I’m ok spending every day trying to convince you to.”
She has a look on her face, full of determination, that Carina has seen it before – when Maya insisted on driving her around Seattle looking for Andrew when he had stormed off on his motorcycle after an argument, and when she had turned up at Carina’s house after she had taken Andrew to the residential facility, making herself at home as she had dished up their dinner. It is a look that tells her that Maya means what she says and she won’t back down. The memories cause something inside of Carina to soften, as she remembers that Maya has been there through some of the most difficult months of her life. Perhaps there is some truth to her declaration of love, Carina wonders.
Teddy watches the exchange. She doesn’t know Maya, she barely knows Carina, but it is obvious to her that these two women care deeply for each other. Maybe she is projecting her own feelings on them, but she wants someone to have a happy ending and she is pretty sure she isn’t going to get one with Owen.
“Oh!” Carina grumbles again, look at Teddy incredulously.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Teddy says. “It’s just… if you love her, forgive her.” It is all she wants from Owen after all.
Carina looks at Maya, whose big blue eyes plead for forgiveness. She feels her resolve weakening and she is mad at herself for being so easily swayed, but she knows she will be even more mad at herself for walking away from the woman that she loves. Because she does love Maya, despite all the hurt she has felt this week.
“I love you, Maya,” she says, unable to hide the annoyance in her voice. “Argh! Come kiss me.”
Maya doesn’t need to be asked twice. She steps forwards and cups Carina’s face in her hands, drawing her lips towards her and kissing her. She can taste the peach chapstick that is Carina’s favourite and she loves the familiarity of it. She feels Carina smile against her mouth and her heart soars. Her hands circle Carina’s waist and she tugs her hips closer. Carina’s fingers slide through her hair and she grasps her new, shorter locks.
When she pulls back, Carina looks at her curiously, her hands still wrapped around her neck. “Maya, your hair?”
Maya shakes her head. “It’s a long story,” she says.
There is pain in Maya’s voice and she doesn’t say any more about it. Carina takes it as Maya’s walls coming up as quickly as they have come down. A cloud passes across her face, her forehead crinkling in frustration at another thing that Maya is keeping from her, despite everything she has just promised. The momentary joy of having Maya in her arms dissipates and she drops her hands from Maya’s face.
Maya recognises her concern immediately and she catches Carina’s wrists in her hands, desperate for her not to pull away. “Come to my apartment for dinner tonight and I’ll tell you then. I’ll tell you everything. Please?” she says earnestly, as she slips her hands into Carina’s.
Carina hesitates, the distrust she has in Maya’s words creating a distance between them, despite their physical closeness.
“Please,” Maya pleads.
Eventually, Carina nods. “Okay.”
A small, hopeful smile brightens Maya’s face. “Seven o’clock?”
“Si,” Carina says. She untangles her hands from Maya’s clasp and takes a step backwards. “I should get back to work.”
She squeezes Maya’s hands reassuringly, for herself as much as for Maya. Teddy is already walking back towards the hospital and Carina forgoes her coffee from the cart to follow her inside, her mind muddled. She loves Maya and she wants to forgive her, but there is something telling her not to jump back in too quickly, that she will only be setting herself up for more heartbreak.
Maya walks back to her car with mixed feelings too. There is a part of her that feels elated by Carina’s declaration of love, but the awkwardness between them was palpable and it feels like they have a mountain to climb to get back to what they had before.
When she gets home, she immediately falls on to the sofa. Her body is exhausted and she closes her eyes to shut out the bright daylight, but her brain is too wired and refuses to rest. She has promised Carina that she will tell her everything, every dark, broken thought in her head, and Maya doesn’t know where she will begin – or even how much Carina will want to hear.
She distracts herself by writing up a draft report of this morning’s five alarm call, getting ahead of the task that will be waiting on her desk when she arrives at work tomorrow, then turns her mind to dinner. They eat out more than they cook and take out is an easy option, but Maya feels like she needs to make an effort tonight. She is a decent cook as long as she is following a recipe, whereas Carina has an effortless way of throwing ingredients together and making something delicious, something Maya always envies.
Maya picks up her phone and scrolls through a few websites, settling for a dish of pasta with a spicy tomato sauce. It looks simple enough, she thinks, and she has the ingredients thanks to Carina insisting that she always keeps the basics in her cupboards. As she preps dinner, she remembers Carina’s stern words about not using too much garlic, calling it ‘American nonsense’.
At five minutes past seven, Carina texts her to say she is running late, which puts Maya on edge. She has been playing it over and over in her mind what she is going to say, trying to second guess how Carina might react, and what she needs to do to convince Carina that she will never, ever break her heart again. She watches the time tick by until, just before seven thirty, there is a knock at the door. Maya takes a deep breath before she pulls the door open.
Carina smiles tentatively, looking just as anxious as Maya feels. “Hi bella.”
Maya relaxes a little as she uses her usual term of endearment and steps back, inviting Carina inside. She doesn’t normally need an invitation, she usually comes bowling in and sweeps Maya up with a kiss the moment the door opens, but there is still an awkwardness between them and the physical intimacy they usually share feels foreign to them both.
“It smells good in here,” Carina says as she shrugs off her coat, showing off the cream satin blouse she wears underneath.
“I made dinner,” Maya says, tilting her head towards the kitchen.
After hanging up her coat, Carina follows her into the kitchen, walking up to the hob and inhaling the blend of tomatoes, garlic and red peppers that escape from the pan.
“Arrabiata?” Carina guesses.
“Yeah,” Maya says, pleased with herself for not butchering the recipe. “Hungry?”
“Starving,” Carina answers.
She stands back and lets Maya serve dinner, making herself useful by opening a bottle of wine. There is so much unsaid and it hangs over them. There is no easy conversation between them like there usually is, and the silent tension almost drives Carina crazy.
She almost didn’t come time, she almost convinced herself that there was no point. That even if she still loved Maya – and Carina knows she does – they’ll never be able to fix their relationship. The wounds are too deep, and if listening to Maya tell her about her tryst with Jack is the way to heal those wounds, then she isn’t sure she wants to try. Except now she knows what it is like to be in love like this, she doesn’t want to let it go, so she knows she is going to have to hear it, no matter how hard it is.
Not yet though.
“Bailey told me about what happened today,” Carina says as she pours the deep red liquid into two glasses.
Maya’s hand goes instinctively to the back of her head, where her hair stops a couple of inches above her shoulders. “She did?” she asks.
Carina notices her reaction but doesn’t say anything. She is still curious about how Maya’s hair ended up looking so bad, but there is something about the look on her face that stops Carina from asking. Maya promised to tell her everything and this evening feels like a test, to see if Maya really means what she says.
“Si, she said that Ben and the others were stuck in a basement with a bomb?”
“Oh, right… yeah,” Maya says, relieved that the incident with her dad wasn’t the subject of hospital gossip just yet. She places two dishes of penne al’arrabiata on the table.
“Was it bad?” Carina asks. “I know everyone got out okay, but it wasn’t long ago that they were trapped in the storage facility and I thought…”
She trails off, leaving Maya to finish her question.
“…that I’d be thinking about what happened with Captain Herrera?”
Carina nods and it reminds Maya that, despite only being in her life for a few months, Carina knows how her mind works – and as much as that used to scare her, it is actually pretty wonderful. Tears prick the corners of her eyes as she sits down.
“I wasn’t going to lose anyone else.”
Carina lifts her hand and wipes the tear that trickles down Maya’s cheek. Maya leans into her touch.
“I’ve missed you,” she says in a low voice.
“I’ve missed you too,” Carina confesses.
They sit still for a moment, enjoying the calm before the storm they know is coming.
“Come, let’s eat,” Carina says.
Dinner is a muted affair. Carina tells her about the echocardiogram programme she is thinking of developing. Maya asks after Andrew and her family in Italy, and they talk a little bit about plans for the hospital and the fire station in case the country goes into lockdown like the rest of the world. They don’t talk about their fight or Jack or Maya’s dad, not yet, although they both know it is a conversation that is coming.
Once their plates are empty, Maya sets about clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher. “You want dessert? I think there’s some of that gelato you bought, the pistachio one. Or coffee? I only have the instant stuff but…”
“Maya,” Carina interjects gently, standing up from her seat and resting against the edge of the table. “You invited me here to talk. We should talk.”
Her heart flutters nervously in anticipation of what that conversation will bring, but she knows they can’t put it off forever.
Maya feels it too and she nods as she slowly turns to face Carina.
“I’m sorry,” Maya starts, but Carina interrupts her.
“I know you’re sorry. But being sorry…”
“…isn’t enough, I know,” Maya says. “But I don’t know what else to say because everything sounds like an excuse and there’s no excuse for what I did.”
“No, there’s not,” Carina says, her voice heavy with sadness. “Just… tell me why.” It is the question that has been on her mind all week.
Maya feels racked with guilt and she takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. “I wanted everything to stop,” she says. “My mom had literally turned up out of nowhere and dropped this bombshell on me, and it felt like everyone was putting pressure on me to change the way I feel about my dad, to feel a certain way about my childhood. And I wasn’t ready to do that.”
“Okay,” Carina says. “But I don’t understand how that led to you sleeping with Jack.”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just.. you kept pushing me to talk about it and…”
Her words cause Carina to prickle. “You’re blaming me?”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Maya objects. “But I told you that I didn’t want to talk about it and you wouldn’t listen.”
Carina purses her lips, feeling herself getting riled up, and she exhales slowly. Maybe she had been right, maybe she isn’t ready to hear what Maya has to say because all it is doing is reminding her of the hurt she has struggled with all week. She folds her arms across her chest, as if shielding herself from Maya’s words.
Maya can see the way her words are making Carina feel and she wishes she had a better way of explaining herself. “I’m making you mad.”
The three feet between them feels like a mile right now.
Carina shakes her head. “So what you’re telling me is that I cared enough to try to get you to see the truth about your dad and because you didn’t like it, you decided to sleep with your ex-boyfriend?”
“No, it wasn’t like that,” Maya tries to defend herself. “I was upset, I was angry…”
“Those aren’t reasons to cheat, Maya!”
“I know that,” Maya says.
“Do you?” Carina challenges her. “Because you’re right, everything you’re saying sounds like an excuse. Like you’re still not willing to be honest with me.”
“You asked me to explain, I’m trying to do that,” Maya fights back.
Carina holds her hands up in defeat, letting Maya continue.
“I went to the station and I got into a fight with Andy, and then Jack turned up and he was saying things about my dad, and he kept pushing me too,” Maya says. “And I just wanted him to stop.”
“So you decided to have sex with him?” Carina questions. “Why didn’t you just walk away?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do,” Carina pushes her. “You walked away from me, why couldn’t you walk away from him too? Do you…” There is a question she needs answered, except she isn’t sure she’s ready for the answer. “Do you still have feelings for him?”
“No!” Maya says quickly. “Jack and I are over, I love you.”
Carina shakes her head incredulously. “You don’t do that to people you love.”
“I know! I know I screwed up,” Maya says. “I know I’m broken.”
“Ugh, Maya, stop telling me you’re broken!” Carina cries. “…and do something to fix yourself, don’t break everyone else around you.”
Her words sting and Maya feels herself recoiling at Carina’s words.
“Do you know how much it hurt when you told me about you and Jack? I’d waited all day for you to come home. I could see you were struggling and I wanted to make sure you were okay – and you were with him.” Tears spill out of Carina’s eyes. “And the way you threw it in my face was so cruel, Maya. Sometimes I think that was even worse because even if sleeping Jack was a mistake, like you say it was, telling me the way you did wasn’t – that was on purpose.”
Maya crumples, guilt all over her face, but Carina doesn’t stop. She needs to let it out, she needs Maya to know just how much she has been hurting.
“You know your voice has been in my head all week? Every night when I’ve gone to sleep and every morning when I’ve woken up, all I have heard is you. It’s broken my heart every time. And I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why you would want to hurt me so much.”
“I’m sorry,” Maya says hopelessly.
Carina shakes her head. “It’s not enough,” she says. “No matter how many times you say it, it’s not enough to change what you did.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say!” Maya says.
“I want you to tell me the truth!” Carina says.
“Why? What are you so afraid of, Maya?” Carina says. “You’ve done the hard part, you’ve accepted your father’s abuse. Why are you still holding back from me?”
“Because what if you don’t like what you hear?” Maya blurts out. “You said you loved me. This afternoon, I said I was sorry and you said you loved me, but you never said you forgive me. You never said you trust me. What if hearing the truth means you never do?”
Maya’s face is ashen with fear; not just the fear of never being forgiven, but the fear of what Carina will think when she realises who she really is and what she became under her father’s watchful eye. She drops her gaze, can’t bear to see Carina looking at her, knowing that she is finally seeing her for everything that she is.
Carina’s shoulders drop as she finally starts to understand why Maya is so reluctant to open herself up completely. She walks over to where Maya is stood, taking each of her hands in her own. “I’m here, aren’t I?” she says softly. “And this will never work if you keep holding back from me, because no, I won’t be able to forgive you and I won’t be able to trust you, no matter how much I love you.”
She rubs her thumbs across the back of Maya’s hands.
“Please, bambina, talk to me,” Carina says. “Trust me.”
Maya relents and nods, letting Carina guide her over to the couch. Her hands shake with nerves and shoves them under her thighs. Carina doesn’t speak, she simply waits for Maya to talk.
“I was twelve years old when my dad got me to run competitively, did I ever tell you that?”
Carina shakes her head, no.
“I was always an active kid, whereas Mason was more studious and loved his art. I used to play soccer in kindergarten and I loved it. There was only me and one other girl on the team, the rest were boys, but it didn’t matter. I just loved running around and having fun with my friends, you know? I’d never thought about being a runner, but when I went to middle school, one of the sports coaches thought that I’d be good at long distance. He talked to my parents and they signed me up to a running club. I was okay when I started but then I started to get better and win races, and my dad liked that. He liked his little girl being the best and I liked how proud he was of me.”
She sounds wistful, but sad, as she talks about her past.
“I ended up working with a coach one-on-one but eventually my dad didn’t think he was doing a good enough job, so when I was fourteen he took over my training. I guess that was the start of it. The early morning alarms, the after-school training sessions, the weekend track meets. It was relentless but I was making my dad happy. And if I ever wanted a break, if I stopped to rest for moment, he would be unhappy – and my dad wasn’t a nice person to be around when he was unhappy.”
Carina listens intently, letting Maya tell her story.
“He never hit us,” Maya says. “But he could be angry and mean and aggressive sometimes. Broken lamps, smashed dishes. He made me run until I was sick – physically sick – and even then he would still expect me to keep going once my stomach was empty. There were a few times when he woke me up by pouring cold water on my face. He…”
Her body shudders at the memories.
“…made you walk home for twenty miles when you didn’t beat your best time?” Carina finishes.
“I never saw it as abuse,” Maya says. “My mom… she just accepted it too. She never stood up to him, she never challenged him.”
“She was a victim too,” Carina reminds her.
“I know,” Maya says. “I mean, I know that now. I didn’t get it when I was a kid – or maybe I didn’t want to. I asked my mom once why he was like that and you know what she told me? She told me that it was because of how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to succeed. I guess I wanted that to be true, so I trained myself to believe that.”
“So… the faster you ran and the more medals you won, the more your dad would love you?” Carina questions.
Maya nods. “Everyone was scared of him: my mom, Mason, my friends, even the coaches.”
“At first, yeah. Until I learned that the way to keep him happy was to do whatever he wanted me to do, to always meet his expectations, to be the athlete that he wanted me to be. Sometimes I’d be running around that track and I would wonder what it would be like to be that seven year old girl playing soccer again.” Tears prick her eyes and she blinks them away. “It wasn’t that I hated running, I actually really liked it. I liked feeling strong and fast – but it just wasn’t much fun. I missed having fun. But that wasn’t allowed, I had to focus on the finish line.”
“Eyes forward at all times,” Carina repeats the mantra she has heard from Maya before.
“The day my mom came to the station, we got called out to a bowling alley. A young girl’s grandpa died and she was upset, and I was so cold to her, Carina. I was mean – just like him. Andy and Jack were stuck inside with a bunch of kids, and I was so focused on getting them out that I didn’t care about her feelings. What kind of person does that make me?”
“Maya.” Carina’s voice oozes with sympathy but Maya shakes it off.
“And then we came back to the station and I snapped at my mom, and I snapped at you, and you didn’t deserve that,” Maya says. “You were just trying to make me see the truth.”
“But you weren’t ready,” Carina concedes, starting to understand why Maya’s walls had gone up every time she had tried to talk about her father.
“That’s not an excuse,” Maya says, so desperate for Carina’s forgiveness that she doesn’t stop to forgive herself.
“No, it’s not,” Carina agrees. “But it means I understand you better.” She reaches out and rests her hand on Maya’s knee, squeezing it gently as a sign of encouragement to carry on.
Maya feels her chest tighten.
“You were right, I was in denial. I think I started to realise what my mom was saying was true, but I didn’t want to know so I pushed it out. And when you pressed me to talk about it, I pushed you away too.” Her voice breaks a little. “I’m sorry.”
Carina nods. “You said you saw Andy at the station and got into a fight?” she prompts Maya to continue her story.
“I was using the gym and she came in, she was looking for information about her dad. She was spiralling, she’d convinced herself that Pruitt had been hiding something from her,” Maya says. “I couldn’t listen to her talk about him like that.”
“Like what?” Carina asks curiously.
“Like she wanted to pick apart all the good things about him and turn him into a bad guy,” Maya explains. “And Pruitt… he was a hero, and Andy was talking about him like he was a terrible father, like he was…”
“Like he was your dad?”
Maya nods. “And then I was in my office and Jack came in.” She feels Carina’s body turn rigid and reaches for her hand, craving some physical contact for when she gets to the hardest part. Carina doesn’t pull away, but doesn’t hold her hand in return. “We got into a fight. He was pushing my buttons about my dad, and you.”
Carina’s eyebrows arch upwards. She has tried not to think too much about Jack’s part in this, but it irks her to know that he had been talking about her and about their relationship.
“And I know you’re probably mad at him too…”
Carina shoots her a look that tells her that she is right.
“…but it was my mistake. It was my fault. Because he was right, I was scared and I was feeling exposed, I guess, and when that happens, my walls go up. He called me out for pushing you away and I was angry at him because he was right, that’s exactly what I’d done. And I just… I needed him to stop, so I…” She closes her eyes, can’t bear to see Carina’s face when she says it. “I kissed him. And then…”
She doesn’t say anything else, she doesn’t need to. Carina knows what happened next. She opens her eyes and sees the hurt written all over Carina’s face, her cheeks wet with tears and her bottom lip trembling.
“I’m so sorry,” Maya says, through her own tears. “I hate that I did it. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t, and I hate that too. I know how much I’ve hurt you. You were right, I threw it in your face because I wanted to hurt you. I hated myself for what happened and I wanted you to hate me too.” Her chest rumbles as she tries to catch her breath.
“Why?” is all Carina can say.
“Because I didn’t want you to find out that I’m just like him, because if you knew that then you’d hate me anyway and that would be even worse.”
Through her hurt, Carina starts to understand Maya’s motives. It was easier for Carina to hate her for what she had done than to hate her for who she is – or who she perceives herself to be.
“Maya,” Carina says. “You’re nothing like your father.”
“Aren’t I?” Maya says bitterly. “I set my sight on becoming Captain and I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way. My relationship with Jack? My friendship with Andy? They became obstacles. And once I became Captain, I used everything he had taught me to put my team through hell – all those running drills and training sessions, because I thought that a bit of tough love would make them the best they could be.”
Maya shakes her head, angry at herself for refusing to see the truth for so long. She drops her head, a sob erupting from her chest. Carina shuffles forwards and slips a hand through Maya’s hair, her fingers soft against the back of Maya’s neck. She rests her forehead against Maya’s and they sit in the silence of the apartment, their tears pooling together between them.
“I’m sorry,” Maya says again, feeling like she will never be able to say it enough.
“I know,” Carina soothes her.
Maya hands wrap around the loose material at the bottom of Carina’s shirt. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?” She is terrified of the answer and she holds her breath as she waits for a reply.
It is a question that Carina has been asking herself all day and she has been so uncertain of her answer – until now. She straightens up and guides Maya’s face up to look at her.
“Yes, Maya, I can forgive you.”
“And what about trust?” Maya asks. “Can you trust me again? Because I meant what I said, I will do anything to earn your trust back.”
Carina twists her lips. “I think trust is going to take some time,” she says truthfully. “You hurt me, Maya. And I can’t just forget the way you made me feel. But I do believe you when you say you’re sorry and I believe you when you say that you’ll do better in the future. And I think that’s the first step to getting back that trust.”
“I’ll do anything,” Maya says. “I’ll request a demotion and I’ll transfer stations so that I’m not working with Jack any more, if that’ll make it better.”
“Maya,” Carina says, her tone lightly scolding. “I don’t expect you to do that. You worked hard to be captain and I would never ask you to do that for me. 19 is your home, they’re your family, I get that. Besides, if you’re gonna earn back my trust, then you can’t run away from what broke it in the first place.”
Maya nods, as Carina strokes her cheek, her skin red and dry from the tears she has been crying.
“I want to trust you again, Maya,” Carina says. “I want us to be okay.”
“I want that too,” Maya says. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, bambina,” Carina says.
She leans in and presses a soft kiss on Maya’s lips, before drawing her in for a hug. Maya buries her face into Carina’s hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her shampoo. Carina plays with the ends of her hair, her fingers grazing her exposed neck. She remembers the look on Maya’s face when she has asked her about it earlier and can’t help but feel that her new short locks are connected to why she turned up suddenly at the hospital, full of regret and apologies. Maya had made a promise to tell her everything and it feels like the last piece of the story.
Carina pulls back a little so that they are looking at each other.
“Will you tell me what happened to your hair?”
Now I know it would have been to much too ask but having Maya and Diane talk would have been wonderful, and not really about the kids situation ( it would have been good too tho, since Diane is a mother in the department she can understand Maya's struggle), but giving her something else to talk about, like the big problem that it's not even been addressed in the show yet, sexism. And I realized it in the first 30 seconds of the episode when Diane and Beckett talked. It was right there to use. They gave us this interesting ammo and didn't use it.
SO apparently Diane and Beckett not only know each other but they were at the academy together, and sexism was rampant in those years, the chief calling her DeeDee because if not her name was to important? the hell? and she know how Beckett is hence the 'condolences'. She heard he was moved at 19, so she heard about Maya demotion (a good talk about that too wouldn't have hurt since she still seems to struggle about that). He asked about her kids in that tone like it's the only important thing about her, it seems to reinforce the 'once I am a mother they will only see this about me and the probability of a promotion are harder' argument. And she totally didn't want to talk about it at all with him. And also she pointed out the fact that he is a bad firefighter since he was nicknamed 'last place', so being a captain at 19 after all the good captains we saw there it feel like an insult. So many chances to talk about all of this with Maya but nothing... ( I get that this was about crisis one but it could have been fitted). I bet that if somebody asked Diane about it all ooh she would have had a damn whole thesis to say and not really siding with the men.
SO many ways Diane and Maya could have started the 'fight' against sexism plot but no, let's put Maya again in a situation with baby talk, with a man colleague, again. (valid point Maya made about Carina totally but my point is another) Another thing that is bothering me in this season is the lack of women talking to each other, Maya Vic and Andy never almost even interacted with each other these 4 episodes, but we have women talking about their problems with other men, (who they really don't grasp the real issue at the end of the day anyway) and it's starting to get on my nerves a bit.
And Diane is the ONLY one that talking about what Maya and Andy did in McCallister office, called it BOLD. And it fucking was, they knew it maybe wouldn't have changed a damn thing but they fought for their rights and called him out. See Diane, a woman can understand the true big problem. Men could never because they're used to have everything served on their own plate. Everybody always criticized Maya about what she did with 'made her own bed' 'defied the chief' 'broke every protocol in the book' (this one still make me mad because 'every'? bitch, were?) but never stopped thinking that it took guts to do it and she did the right thing, and it was IS in her damn right to fight for it (and I hate that everything now it's stuck.)
Damn Diane really need to be more present, she gives such good insight.
Absolutely, Anon! You are venting all of my frustrations too.
I knew we would be lucky to get a conversation between Maya and Diane, so I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t happen, but I’m still disappointed - especially when, as you say, it was clear from Diane’s conversation with Beckett that she has also experienced sexism in the fire department. It feels like they keep talking about this issue and complaining about it, but the writers aren’t pushing the story forwards forwards and no-one is doing anything about it.
I’m hoping the writers do us a favour and kill off Beckett in the upcoming crossover, but we’ll never get that lucky!
You know, when I thought that we couldn’t get you back, I just wanted to give up. I mean, like— Like I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t— You know? And now, that we did get you back, I still feel like you could slip away at any moment. And I felt that way today, too.
'Plus, the suggestion that Maya was over it when just a couple of weeks ago we saw Maya struggling'. Like for real??? she's definitely not over it, what do you know? Ask Carina if she's over it! she wasn't getting orgasms because Maya kept thinking about storming McCallister office during sex!😂 LOL joking
Jokes aside, just because Maya is not complaining 24/7 at the station doesn't mean she's over it, especially because apparently everyone keep asking her to forgive left and right instead of asking her how she feels like Jack accused Andy to not do 'have you talked to her, have you asked her?' I don't know Jack, have you tho?
‘have you talked to her, have you asked her?’ I don’t know Jack, have you tho?
Ha, I had the exact same thought when Jack said that!
Can I say that I loved Carina in Grey's, I know she wasn't there much, like 3 minutes all together top, but still, I love that she's teaching Jo and I love how she teaches, when there was a complication she didn't take over but ask her what to do and guided her trough it all and then she validated her for a good job at the end. I simply loved that scene. How she was still very attentive on every Jo's reactions to see if she had to step in but let her do it all, and Jo always looking at her before making any big decision or action. They're good together. I would have liked a final scene with them maybe outside or at the nurse station 'closing the day' like the episode was built for the others but go figures...
Her scenes on greys can always improve to implement some of her private life too in there, having a 30 seconds scene where she's talking to a friend about her life/wife/marriage whatever, or where she's maybe talking on the phone with Maya, or she's visiting, but at this point I resign with the writers. It's really not that hard to do, but they cannot seems to grasp they can do both. And she can appear in both shows at the same week too, it's not a crime writers I promise. Don't even get me started on the potential of her meeting the other badass OB, ugh frustrating, the plot was there hello, Addison needed somebody to keep checking her patient?! but I guess Addie was there only for Amelia in the episode so I can get it the no interaction, but please get her back asap I already miss her.
Carina’s teaching style does seem to be good, she let Jo get on with it and didn’t jump in when things got tricky but instead got her to figure out what to do next. With Jo now an OB resident, it opens the door for them to give Carina more to do as her mentor - and I could get over my annoyance that they’ve done it to give Jo the storylines that they’ve never written for Carina, if they would incorporate her into the cases that Jo is working on.
Grey’s has had some briliant mentor/mentee relationships in the past - Arizona & Alex especially. We haven’t had anything like that for a while, and I’d love for them to use Carina more.
I had very low expectations for any Carina and Addison interactions, but I’m so annoyed that they didn’t have anything scenes together - even if they weren’t working on a case together, they could have met at a nurses’ station, perhaps when Addison was with Amelia, and had a moment where they recognised each other. Damn these writers for not even giving us crumbs!
ah! I loved Maya too telling him 'sullivan you're with me'!. I think turns are decided by the captain, but since he's there doing mold, I loved that she still takes charge lol, and she totally did it to defuse the situation, like better get you out of here before it's getting worse, also to help Andy too. Everyone seemed to 'enjoy' the altercation but I could see Maya struggling to see her best friend like this and hated the situation, so at the first occasion she stopped it. yeah still a damn good captain, and friend.
I agree, Maya was looking out for Andy in that moment by taking Sullivan with her. She still outranks him as lieutenant so I guess she has some authority to drag him away, but her whole demeanour was amazing!
yeah the insults are on twitter, like every week, putting everything on her like??? are we watching the same show or?? they all seem to forget what happened 10 months ago or they really didn't see it as a problem, which is another problem. Another thing that bothers me is in general having these men telling women how to feel, what's their truth, bla bla, it irks me to no end. Ben and Jack telling Maya to forgive Sullivan, and telling her how to feel, Jack this ep talking to Andy like that, telling her how he feels about what she did, everybody loved it but I really didn't, uhm he maybe wanted to advice her or something but it came out kind of wrong, it really sounded a bit patronizing to me, and him telling her how Maya feels, like he knows it, saying that she knows why she's being demoted, well that was bullshit, oh boy she knows why but it 's not what you think.
Stop making men say how women should feels, and it really proves that in that station nobody knows a damn thing about that, because no dear guys, Maya did not get demoted because she 'defied the chief' or 'she made her own bed', she got demoted because she's a woman, the bed was made for her, it was only waiting her misstep, because if any of you men would have done the same exact thing she did in her captaincy, believe me you will still be captain, punto like this boom. And I wish they would start with this sexism plot because it's starting to get on my nerves how they keep misinterpreting her consequences and nobody has ever said something about it but only how she should forgive and forget now because 'look, he saved you', 'look i'm uncomfortable with the situation let's all make peace', please.
There is a reason I stay away from twitter!
Jack’s comment that Maya was demoted for defying McAllister annoyed me too, because he should know better. It’s lines like that which make me wonder if the writers are doing it intentionally or whether it’s just clumsy writing. Plus, the suggestion that Maya was over it when just a couple of weeks ago we saw Maya struggling. I get that sometimes these things are a plot device, but the time jump means that we haven’t seen any outrage amongst the team at how Maya has been treated - in fact, it’s all been about how it’s been 10 months and it’s time to forgive Sullivan.
The sexism plot has been more about the baby / no baby issue rather than Maya’s position in the SFD so far. Who knows if it is going to turn into something, but I hate the thought that Maya just accepts her demotion and gets on with it, instead of fighting.
I guess what I meant about issues around food was more like a bit of food hoarding or being a bit secretive or very selective about junk food (like only hesitantly taking a small piece of a cookie if offered) rather than like anorexia/bulimia. I could just picture her taking to secretly keeping granola bars or something hidden in case her dad didn’t let her eat enough again and not really breaking that habit
Oh, I see. I got the impression from the flashback episode that Maya was pretty strict with herself too - she wouldn’t eat a cookie that Hima offered her, even though her dad would never have known about it. And we know she did everything to keep her dad happy, even moulded herself into him to keep him on side. I think she was more likely to punish herself to keep her dad happy than to do something that defied him - except on those rare occasions, like the dish-smashing episode when she tried to help herself to the potatoes and her dad threw them against the wall. Those moments would have reminded her that defying her father was pointless.
But hey, we can see things differently. :)
Is it just me that finds it slightly annoying that Sullivan keeps telling everyone what to do or what they should do at a scene? I get that he's more experienced than everyone else (or is supposed to be), but like Maya also has a lot of experience and she's been captain for a reason.
It’s not just you, Anon! Pretty much everything Sullivan does annoys me. I have to say, I did love Maya’s “Sullivan, you’re with me” command when she was dragging him out of the fight he was having with Andy in front of everyone and he had no choice but to follow her.
why seems that everyone (men) in the station keep praising sullivan now because 'oh he made possible crisis one' and Andy as soon as she was let known about this she spilled some truth like 'i'm pretty sure there's an ulterior motive' yep there it is! they all like to make sullivan the victim now but she actually still knows him pretty good because guess what, she was right, there is an ulterior motive, getting promoted again, and I'm afraid on how he will do it, again. And the fact that he said 'I can't be sorry for wanting to rebuilt my career', well people seems to forget that the problem there was not that, it was HOW he chose to do it that was wrong, and it seems like nobody but andy is grasping it or they're forgetting it, maybe maya too sees it, but who knows, they make her talk only about babies these days! and if he worded it like that neither he's still getting it after 11 months!
I see so much hate on sm over Andy too and how she's behaving these episodes (also by women) and I'm appalled, yes I know she made mistakes and sometimes she's acts out a bit and as said with Diane there some historical triggering there that's has to be acknowledged but, she's a person, people behave like that sometimes it's called reality, but boy I read some things that are disgusting just because she went against him, and some are supposed to be the couple fans, still always blaming the women and praising the man I see.
Oh, that annoyed me too! I totally understood Andy’s frustration that everyone seems to have forgiven him, when he has done the bare minimum to earn it. Yes, he apologised and yes, he helped get the SFD on board with Crisis One - but Andy is right, he has an ulterior motive. He admitted it, he wants to get his career back. I do understand that but again he has to earn it and the thing with Robert, or at least the way they write him, is that he never wants to put in the effort - he expects it to be handed to him on a plate.
I haven’t seen any hate towards Andy on tumblr, but I think there has been some on twitter because I saw Jaina’s tweet last week (or maybe it was the week before…) calling out the people who were saying some really horrible stuff about her / her character. It does seem like there is a group of Surrera fans who have turned against Andy in support of Robert, and I’m sure that’s a small group but they always end up being the loudest.
I’ve been slowly making my way through Station 19 and recently watched the episode with the flashback of Maya’s dad throwing the potatoes, and thinking about it, I’m kind of surprised that Maya doesn’t have some major issues around food. I know she’s just a fictional character, but after her childhood flashbacks and stories about her upbringing, I’m proud of her for being as well adjusted as she is, and I can’t wait to get to later episodes to see how much she’ll grow.
Hmm, I don’t really agree with this. I feel like it plays into the narrative that Maya has to be ‘broken’ by the way her dad treated her when she was a child, when actually she has been able to rationalise it pretty well from what we have seen. I don’t mean that in a way that downplays the abuse she suffered, but like you say she has grown so much since recognising and accepting what happened. I cheered so hard when she spoke to her dad in 4x16.
We should absolutely be proud of her!