@evolnura

aelderin:

The hopeless dream of being - not seeming, but being. At every waking moment, alert. The gulf between what you are with others and what you are alone. The vertigo and the constant hunger to be exposed, to be seen through, perhaps even wiped out. Every inflection and every gesture a lie, every smile a grimace. Suicide? No, too vulgar. But you can refuse to move, refuse to talk, so that you don’t have to lie. You can shut yourself in. Then you needn’t play any parts or make wrong gestures. Or so you thought. But reality is diabolical. Your hiding place isn’t watertight. Life trickles in from the outside, and you’re forced to react. No one asks if it is true or false, if you’re genuine or just a sham. Such things matter only in the theatre, and hardly there either. I understand why you don’t speak, why you don’t move, why you’ve created a part for yourself out of apathy. I understand. I admire. You should go on with this part until it is played out, until it loses interest for you. Then you can leave it, just as you’ve left your other parts one by one.

“persona”, ingmar bergman, 1966

I’m troubled when dealing with situations which require me to correctly identify the kind of emotions I’m dealing with…

The problem is that I’m not even sure that…

michaelbogild :

“Profoundly dyed in roses is the vast horizon of the eternal sea.”

—

evolnura:

I’ve tried, I can’t stop…

Maybe I shouldn’t try anymore…

evolnura:

It’s probably not right…

The only thing that I can confirm…

Is that my stubbornness is something I feel good about…

Probably the only thing…

I’ve been loosing… uhhh, the sense of myself lately…

It’s not getting better, when I try to think or “not” think about it…

I start loosing it much more…

thoughtkick :

“First it hurts you, then it changes you.”

— (via emptystic )

michaelbogild :

“I am deep in a dream right now aroused entirely by music. I will now attempt to write what I see and feel.”

—

evolnura :

“Pain is a necessary evil. It must be embraced. Happiness is for the weak, it must be only optional.”

— A.D. (1949-2020)

It’s all changed now…

I’m never sorry, you will be…

I’ll never call you, you would…

I’ll never wish you birthday, you would…

I’ll never think of you, you would…

Once I let people out of my life, I never turn back…

No matter what, Never…

Just a simple reality check…

Exactly at a moment of strong emotions…

And I’m inclined to prefer wealth over everything…

Again…

thoughtkick :

“Your identity should be so secure that when someone walks away from you they don’t take you with them.”

— Unknown

I remember what I said…

You know the reason, why I said what I did…

I can’t, because of the same reason…

💞💞 thank you for existing. 💞💞 send this to 10 people who you think deserve a sweet and kind message in their inbox. 💞

huh…

“ The day you’ll start caring less, you’ll start accumulating more… ”

- A.D (1949-2020)

evolnura:

At this point I’ve realised something crucial…

However the situations are, if they’ll deteriorate or not…

They’ll be fine, eventually…

I’ll make them, I always do, everyday…

But I’m not sure if I would ever be…

Today, this very moment will mark the last time, I’ll ever be compassionate, caring, “good”, vulnerable in any situation or circumstance…

I’ll never be like this again, ever…

The only thing I’ll ever prefer now, is wealth…

This morning marks the worst day of my life…

What I feel today, right now, is exactly what I’m running away from…

I’m saying this again tho…

It’s not over, it’ll never be like this ever again…

I don’t care if I have to sell my soul or cut off my arm…

Unless I’m in the position I want to be in…

No one could ever understand…

Because I could never explain…

That is my biggest fear…

If I were to explain to anyone…

Then that person would be my biggest fear…

At least my fears are under my control, even if they’re destroying me…

I’m not a bad person, I never wanted to be…

I’m shaped this way now because of the circumstances and the choices that has to be made…

I eliminated all connections with seventeen of my closest acquaintances in past 24 hours…

Simply because I know it’s better for them…

The remaining would be gone soon…

I don’t want to, but I have to…

At this point I’ve realised something crucial…

However the situations are, if they’ll deteriorate or not…

They’ll be fine, eventually…

I’ll make them, I always do, everyday…

But I’m not sure if I would ever be…

I pretend to others that it’s all under control…

I have to, because if I don’t, people would get worried, the ones I care about…

Sometimes honestly I wonder though…

It’s all so complex, like it’s consuming me everyday, every second…

With every step further, I go twice as much deeper…

That is not good…

Kissed me unexpectedly

And told me excuse you wanted to know what I’d be missing

If I didn’t call you back

Picked up the phone

How could I have known that one day I would be the one to say

Please stay, don’t go

Please stay, don’t go

Please stay, don’t go

I can’t live inside these walls if it ain’t you that I came home to

- By Francois Clark Mulder (Please Stay)

I just noticed something very crucial…

I’m not appropriately sensitive about situations, sometimes…

However, it’s only true when I’m too much caffeinated…

michaelbogild :

“The only thing these poems achieved was turning us into a myth.”

—

baby-vintage :

Prénom Carmen, 1983

Or is it…

Should it ever be…

michaelbogild :

“I am the nightmare of the moon that haunts the soul of night.”

—