still very much 50/50 on ever posting this because I know i’m tipsy and no good can good can come from a drunken message- I should’ve just got in bed and watched some Office but my mind would’ve still drifted to you.
I FUCKING HATE THIS. some days I dont mind and it’s not so bad. I think it’s the loneliness more than anything that feels so deafening and suffocating at times really gets me, some days I just want to scream to make sure some one would hear me some days I can get through the day without crying. Life’s a gamble these days.
I feel so sad, so so sad, I miss you but I hate you and want nothing to do with you. How am I supposed to fill this space in my head and heart- it’s been over a year. Things have changed but have they really? I wish I could snap my fingers like Thanos and be done with you and our memories but truthfully, they make up a huge portion of who I am at this point.
I congested, blurry eyed, cross-faded, and emotional, a great recipe to write. I opened my Google photos and came an out pour of our life from 2013- 2015-ish. We looked genuinely happy and of course that’s what young love will do to you but knowing how different our life could’ve turned out makes me think about how unprepared we were and how selfish we remained until the day we didn’t speak anymore and granted life makes you grow up and the situation we were in could’ve definitely inspired a fire under our ass but I don’t think that’s something we ever wanted to feel forced to do.
The relationships i’ve been in since you’ve exited my life have all been … very interesting. Another life changing one but only ruled by circumstance I couldn’t have seen that one playing out well but still I took a chance. I think each one lets me know i’m still healing and it’s a process I can’t rush as much as I want to. There’s still things I have to figure out but still trust and believe in the process. In the meantime definitely thinking about my next tattoo because that’s how i’ve been coping, my hands are now tatted and 50% of my arms.