Haha yeah when I was a young asshole. I had a friend that I felt comfortable farting around. He had a younger brother, who I used to bully by farting in his face. I would sleepover at their house a least once a month, so his little brother’s torment would happen regularly.
Eh, you probably wouldn’t survive them.
At the Olympia 2019
Joshua Kinsey Clough
At the Olympia 2019
So I’m shy, sue me.
I’m self-conscious and awkward, which is why I decided to start working out. I fell down a tumblr rabbit hole and discovered bodybuilding. The mass monsters that exude confidence, hitting poses that show of the artistic forms of the human body. I had to become a part of this world, so I started working out at the local gym.
But old habits die hard, and I wasn’t ready to enter a full gym by myself with no experience. I decided to start going at 11pm. The way I saw it, very few people would be there at that time, and anyone who works out that late is probably an expert that I may be able to get some tips from. So I grabbed my gym bag, plucked up some courage, and headed to the gym.
As I pulled up to the gym, I saw that the parking lot was empty. Good! I’ll be able to settle into the new location without worrying about standing out. I got out my car, excited to start the new chapter in my life. I approached the door, but a curious sign on the door stood out to me.
“Between midnight and 3am, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK”
Well, it was only 11:30, so if something was going to happen at midnight, I’d just leave.
I walked inside the gym and couldn’t wait to get started. The YouTuber I got my workout from (AlphaDestiny) recommended that I stretch before I warm up, so I put my headphones in, headed to the stretching area, and started warming up. 15 minutes later, I got ready to start my back day.
First exercise, Barbell Row. I look around the gym and I see the platform that people do rows, deadlifts and squats on. I pulled up AlphaDestiny’s tutorial, and started warming up for my barbell row. I got through that exercise easily enough, finishing 5 sets, right as the clock turned 12.
As I was putting my weight plates away, a tall, black guy walked in. He was wearing grey sweatpants, a large hoodie, and a baseball cap. Though I couldn’t see his physique, his aura was that of someone who knew what he was doing.
“Yo.” He said, nodding his head towards me.
“W-What’s up?” I replied.
And that was it. After our brief exchange, he went over to the bench press and began warming up.
While stretching, I finally got a good look at the guy who was benching. He was moving two plates on each side and seemed to have no trouble getting the weight up. Meanwhile, I was struggling to row 95lbs. By the time I finished my rows, he had 4 plates on each side. Holy shit, I thought, is he really gonna lift that?
By this point he had removed his hoodie, revealing the chiseled muscle underneath. Fuck. He has my dream body. He looked just like those pro bodybuilders, except where those guys are hulking mass monsters, the muscle on his frame was leaner, more athletic appearing. He was still huge, but he could easily be a model. I didn’t realize I was staring at him until he turned to look at me, then said something I couldn’t hear over my music.
I removed the earbuds “A-Are you talking to me?” I stammered.
He looked around the painfully empty gym, “Yes, you. You’re the only other person here. Can you spot me?”
“Sure,” I replied, “But I don’t think I’d be any help. This is literally my first day in the gym.”
“I don’t need help. I’m just being safe. Trust me, I’m definitely going to get this up. I just need you there for insurance.” He spoke with such confidence that I had no choice.
As I walked over to his area, a pungent smell began to assault my nose. Was that him? I made a mental note to always shower before coming to the gym.
I got behind him and put my hands under the bar, praying that he wouldn’t need my help. He unracked the weight and slowly brought it down. Then the weight began to stall, I could see him pushing, but the weight wasn’t moving back up. I tensed up, and began to grip the bar tighter, getting ready to lift with all my might, but below me there was a growling, primal “NO!” from under me. With a huge push, and an almighty yell, the 405 lbs slowly began to rise.
“Come on man, you got this!” I was yelling like the guys in the Instagram videos I would watch.
The weight was almost all the way up, and he pushed with all his might.
As he finished the rep, he also ripped a loud fart that echoed throughout the silence of the gym.
A sickening wind washed over me and I threw my hands over my face to shield me from the smell. It didn’t help, and I began to cough violently. I ran, escaping the blast radius and slowly began to recover my breath.
The guy came over and helped me stand upright, “I’m sorry man, are you ok?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, speaking in between deep gulps of fresh air, “I’m good. Just wasn’t expecting that fart.” I started chuckling, “I guess it helped you get that weight up, though. Congrats on that, by the way. Was that personal best for you?”
He nodded, beaming. “I never get a chance to lift that heavy, since I always train alone. But since I saw you here, I knew I had someone to spot me. I wasn’t about pass up an opportunity like that, I knew I could get that weight up. Thanks for the spot, man. And you handled my gas like a real champ. Most people would have thrown up or passed out. But I guess you ignored the warning on the door because you could handle the danger.”
He was smiling broadly as he shoved out his hand to me, “I’m Anton Dumont, happy to meet you!”
I returned the handshake, “Nice to meet you, I’m Javier Escalera.” I couldn’t believe I had made a new gym friend so easily, then I realized what he had said earlier, “Wait…you’re the reason for that sign at the door? Why?”
“Well…you got a small taste of it just now. I…”, he smiled nervously, I imagined him blushing under his chocolate skin, “I pass gas frequently in the gym. Any time I exert any serious effort, I end up squeezing out a fart. It’s been like this since I’ve been a kid. And they’re always loud! But ever since I started bodybuilding, my diet has made the gas smell foul too. I’m not allowed to use the gym during daytime hours.”
“Hence the sign.” I observed. The pieces were starting to come together. But one thing still bothered me. “Not to be rude,” I wondered, “But why didn’t they just kick you out altogether?”
His nervous smile morphed into a proud one. “I own half the gym!”
“Wait, seriously? That’s awesome!” I exclaimed.
“Yep, my roommate and I bought the place a year ago. Unfortunately, due to my gas, we had to come to a compromise about when I can use the gym. He’s the daytime personal trainer. I handle the late night clients.”
“You’re a trainer? How many clients do you have?”
“…None. You can guess why. We even have a special deal. Your first 3 months with me are free.”
“3 Months free? That’s a killer deal.”
His eyes lit up, “You interested? Because I really need a workout partner, so forget the deal, I’ll train you for free if you agree to help me."
My heart started racing, this has to be too good to be true. "What’s the catch?” I asked skeptically.
He chuckled, “Did you forget already?"
His ass sang out, and another wave of nausea washed over me. I began to cough again, but I steeled myself and controlled my breathing. If these death farts were what I had to deal with to train with this beast, I hope I could manage.
"F-for free?” I spat out between breaths.
"Yep.“ His excitement was tangible, "Training and meal plan."
"Meal plan?” I wondered.
"Yep.” He explained, “You don’t get a body like this…“
He flexed his bicep.
Then he laughed at his mini-explosion. ”…or farts like that, without a good diet. “
"I’m gonna fart like you too? Is that even possible?” I wondered, imagining myself as a gassy swole beast.
“You’ll see. Bodybuilders are some of the gassiest people ever. I’ll get you right man! So do we have a deal?” The excitement in his eyes was contagious.
I took a deep breath, the last bit of fresh air I would ever take in this gym. “It’s a deal."
I extended my hand to shake on it, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a tight hug. As soon as I was in his embrace, the mother of all bombs was unleashed.
The explosion was the scary part, but as the fart trailed off, I noticed the faint hiss that told me that it wasn’t over. I tried to pull away from the hug, but he was too strong and didn’t seem to notice me struggling.
The silent fart continued and my eyes began to water, my mind went blank, and I instantly began to regret my decision. But we made a deal, and now my dream body was within my grasp. I endured his silent killer, made plans to train with him tomorrow and quickly walked out of the gym.
As I was leaving, Anton started doing pull-ups, each one resulting in a mini-nuke being released. I marveled at his strength and his gas and vowed that I would become his equal one day.
I couldn’t wait to start training again.
The two main characters in my new story, dropping at 8pm tonight!
Left - Javier Escalera, a shy skinny guy who decided to start working out.
Right - Anton Dumont, The guy that will eventually become Javier’s trainer.
Sorry for the lateness! It should be out tonight or tomorrow!
But it combines my two favorite topics.
That’s the only hint you get right now!
Tomorrow night. Sorry it’s been late.
Not really a story, but there are two guys that lift together at my gym. Both swole, bearded, and sexy.They move some heavy weight, and they’re usually chugging a ton of water. After every huge swig, they let out some of the loudest burps I’ve ever heard. Just a constant pattern: lift, chug water, burp, lift, chug, burp. It was amazing, and one time, we ended up needing the bench press at the same time, so they let me work in with them. Not surprisingly, they were beastly with the weights, and belching like kings. I managed to hold my own lifting the weight (I like to think because of all of the blood rushing), but I was easily outclassed by the burps.
Unfortunately I don’t think our schedules line up anymore, because I haven’t seen them in a while.