@gallusrostromegalus

katy-l-wood :

unreal-floristry :

I have Very Exciting News! 

As of today, The Bride’s Guide to Unreal Floristry will be available in print, in both 5x8 and 8.5x11 sizes- so you can share everything you’ve learned here with the people you love, and possibly with the people that you hate (but only if you give them the page with peonies.) 

Each illustration will have a prompts page on the opposite side to prevent bleed through of wet media (markers, paint, frogs), while also keeping it interesting. 

If you choose to use The Bride’s Guide to Unreal Floristry as a coloring book and if you are particularly proud of any pages that you color, please feel free to tag @unreal-floristry with your photos and we’ll post them! We look forward to seeing what you create! 

Yay, yay, yay! Ordered immediately. Can’t wait to have this on my shelf.

shittilydrawing :

did i….post this already???

hedgehog-moss :

I was at the coffeeshop in the village and someone asked me how my llamas are doing, and a woman overheard and told me that when she was a kid, her parents used to have a couple of llamas in their sheep farm, and every single sheep in their flock imprinted on one of the two llamas. Each sheep chose the best most charismatic llama according to mysterious sheep criteria, and never wavered in their ovine loyalty. Each of the two llamas was worshiped by a small sub-flock of devoted sheep who followed him everywhere like Jesus’s apostles and only left their field for transhumance when led by “their” llama. The funniest thing is the way this woman overheard the word “llama” and immediately came to sit next to me to tell me this, like she had waited since childhood to share her bewilderment about the two religious congregations of sheep led by rival llama prophets in her family farm.

An Excellent addition!  Other offerings include:

- Inexplicably Immortal Bard
- 100% Brushed Cotton
- A Cheese Platter (this is both a Gender and a Necessity at any Good Party)
- “Humans Aren’t Supposed To Have Eyeshine”
- God’s Own Idiot
- “I Feel Lucky” By Mary Chapin-Carpenter
- Rex Goliath
- The Revelation that most “herbivorous” mammals are opportunistic carrion eaters, delivered in the most unsettling manner possible
- The Guy Who Survives A Horror Movie Becuase The Writers Forgot To Kill Them

marilyndraws :

I am completely enamored with the space cowboy dad and his force-sensitive green baby

verycharismaticdragon :

making your dad real proud here kid

captaincrusher">captaincrusher:

A gender potluck, if you will.

captaincrusher :

Concept: Gender reveal parties for non binary/agender/fluid/secretive people where instead of the honoree revealing their gender, the guests all bring a gender suggestion. Like “cowboy”, “abandoned Blockbuster” or “Victorian child ghost” and then the person picks a winner.

zagreus :

joekewlio :

the-smiling-pony :

ginger-ale-official :

tilthat :

TIL that the 7th time that park ranger Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning coincided with the 22nd time he fought off a bear with a stick.

via ift.tt

Imagine god wanting you dead this bad

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Sullivan

1. The first documented lightning strike of Sullivan occurred in April 1942. He was hiding from a thunderstorm in a fire lookout tower. The tower was newly built and had no lightning rod at the time; it was hit seven or eight times. Inside the tower, “fire was jumping all over the place”. Sullivan ran out and just a few feet away received what he considered to be his worst lightning strike. It burned a half-inch strip all along his right leg, hit his toe, and left a hole in his shoe.
2. He was hit again in July 1969. Unusually, he was hit while in his truck, driving on a mountain road—the metal body of a vehicle normally protects people in cases such as this by acting as a Faraday cage. The lightning first hit nearby trees and was deflected into the open window of the truck. The strike knocked Sullivan unconscious and burned off his eyebrows and eyelashes, and set his hair on fire. The uncontrolled truck kept moving until it stopped near a cliff edge.
3. In July 1970, Sullivan was struck while in his front yard. The lightning hit a nearby power transformer and from there jumped to his left shoulder, searing it.
4. In spring 1972, Sullivan was working inside a ranger station in Shenandoah National Park when another strike occurred. It set his hair on fire; he tried to smother the flames with his jacket. He then rushed to the restroom, but couldn’t fit under the water tap and so used a wet towel instead. Although he never was a fearful man, after the fourth strike he began to believe that some force was trying to destroy him and he acquired a fear of death. For months, whenever he was caught in a storm while driving his truck, he would pull over and lie down on the front seat until the storm passed. He also began to believe that he would somehow attract lightning even if he stood in a crowd of people, and carried a can of water with him in case his hair was set on fire.
5. On August 7, 1973, while he was out on patrol in the park, Sullivan saw a storm cloud forming and drove away quickly. But the cloud, he said later, seemed to be following him. When he finally thought he had outrun it, he decided it was safe to leave his truck. Soon after, he was struck by a lightning bolt. Sullivan stated that he actually saw the bolt that hit him. The lightning moved down his left arm and left leg and knocked off his shoe. It then crossed over to his right leg just below the knee. Still conscious, Sullivan crawled to his truck and poured the can of water, which he always kept there, over his head, which was on fire.
6. The next strike, on June 5, 1976, injured his ankle. It was reported that he saw a cloud, thought that it was following him, tried to run away, but was struck anyway. His hair also caught fire.
7. On Saturday morning, June 25, 1977, Sullivan was struck while fishing in a freshwater pool. The lightning hit the top of his head, set his hair on fire, traveled down, and burnt his chest and stomach. Sullivan turned to his car when something unexpected occurred — a bear approached the pond and tried to steal trout from his fishing line. Sullivan had the strength and courage to strike the bear with a tree branch. He claimed that this was the twenty-second time he hit a bear with a stick in his lifetime.

This shit reads like an SCP entry…

SCP-(Redacted):

Incredibly Misfortunate Park Ranger

this is the face of a man who has fought god and won. hero.

zookeeperproblems :

goldfishgalaxy :

Here is the first trial of Bisquick’s new enrichment! This is the Wurm Ball. The general idea of enrichment is to make Bisquick’s life as interesting and fun as possible, and that includes new ways of offering him food! This is a slightly modified ping pong ball which I then stuffed with red wigglers (his favorite). So instead of just eating the worms as I toss them in he can engage his brain in how to get the worms out of the ball. I started off with a few big holes as you can see, and it was unsurprisingly very easy for him to figure out the general gist of it. This was his first interaction with it, so it’s really neat to see him investigate the ball in the beginning. Trail II will use a pingpong with more worms and smaller holes, that is if I can get the worms into smaller holes. I do apologize for the shaky camera, I’m not 100% used to using my DSLR for video applications.

For those of you who have not yet met Bisquick he is a species of freshwater stingray (Potamotrygon motoro).  Although he is currently small and cute this species (as well as many others) grow to incredibly large sizes; this combined with the fact that they are venomous means they are not for inexperienced keepers. I strongly encourage the average person to merely visit the stingrays at their local aquarium rather than going out and purchasing one. 

The Sea Pancake’s name is Bisquick.

I can’t.

copperbadge :

Maybe this is a question that has been asked many times, but have any of us considered that Santa Claus makes the most sense if he is one of the Great Old Ones? 

• Capable of instantaneous travel all over the globe; he spans nations
  
• Many unpaid minions who seem to live only to do his bidding
  
• Including eight hooved, horned, flying monstrosities 
• Possibly nine if you count He Who Glows
• An unknown, unseen mate hidden away in a barren arctic waste
• He is himself all-seeing, all-knowing
  
• Used to scare children into good behavior
• Offers extremely conditional gifts
• Appeased by offerings, for the most part
• His belly swells greatly with offerings, described as “gelatinous”
• (cf “Shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly”)
• Despite this, he is “lively and quick” 
• Per the famous documentary “The Santa Clause”, when one dies, another must rise
• Are we certain he has no tentacles? What’s under the beard? 
• When in mortal form, dresses entirely in furs
• His yearly festival drives all who worship him mad

I think we all need to start acclimating ourselves to the idea that one of the Great Old Ones has, in fact, risen, and he is coming to town. 

foxi-is-a-nice-crumb :

starrisonsubmarine :

Go on Bake off. Make sure everything I make is flavours Paul hates. Smash the actual bake though.

When he says I don’t like those flavours, stare him in those souless eyes and say “I know.”

This reads as a to do list and I feel compelled to follow now

normal-horoscopes :

ITS SINGLES NIGHT DOWN AT THE MASSIVE CIRCULAR FIELD OF BLACK GRANITE STONES THAT BLEED WHEN YOU TOUCH THEM

godscasket :

crop top that says “FRANKENSTEIN” across the chest and booty shorts that say “FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER” across the ass

crescent-the-grumpy-bunny :

Kitty up date. Rex is just under four and a half months old, and already giant. He gets bigger by the day.

BIG ORANGE BABY!!!

heyjude-it-s-bobbymcgee :

swan2swan :

abyssalcorvid :

injuries-in-dust :

Fun Fact, thats, more or less, something that wealthy people in China and Japan did, they were called “musical floorboards.” Designed to squeak when stood upon. A person could make noise all the way down a corridor.

The residents and servants knew which floorboards made a sound and avoided them. But a burglar, or assassin didn’t. If you heard the creaking of floorboards, you knew danger was coming.

Even better, despite what movies may show, a lot of the old west was founded by Chinese immigrants, so there could have been carpenters around who knew how to make the musical floorboards!

They were also called Nightingale Floors, and looking up to make sure I had the right term, I found they were super clever! They were more than just ill-fit boards or whatever makes floors creak normally, they actually used little metal bars under the boards placed into small holes in the boards to cause the creak.

The best things on the internet are when someone makes a joke and then Miss Frizzle rolls up for an educational adventure.

I want one that rickrolls you

ivan-fyodorovich :

wow

glumshoe">glumshoe:

Something to note:

The gorilla butler wears a tuxedo, obviously. He is very crisp and stylish, and his manners are impeccable. He behaves as a normal human butler while on duty in all ways, with the single exception of clearing the table. That he does by seizing the perfect white tablecloth and yanking it and everything on it off the table and onto the floor, howling in fury and smashing plates. When this happens, I do not react, as though this is a completely normal and acceptable thing for a butler to do.

When people react poorly to this turn of events, I raise my eyebrows in innocent surprise and say, “Why, yes, of course—he is a gorilla, after all. This is his enrichment.”

glumshoe :

My dream house includes a giant salt water aquarium that takes up an entire wall and appears to be empty except for an expanse of sandy substrate.

I have two large wingback armchairs set in front of this aquarium. They face each other, with a low table between them. I invite my hated guest to sit and take tea with me, but my flawless formal manners only seem to emphasize my utter disdain. My butler, who is a very intelligent gorilla, arrives with the tea, and I thank him. For some reason I have the voice of a RAF sergeant from 1940. I cross my ankles and sip my tea and tell my guest they’re just in time for the feeding frenzy, and would they like to see it? I insist that they do, and my gorilla butler drops several large horrible fish into the empty aquarium.

After a long, heavy pause, suddenly a good hundred or more sandstrikers of various sizes erupt from the substrate to feed, slicing the chum into bits. My guest watches in stunned horror while I placidly sip my tea and make a cool comment about what a relief it is that they maintain such a good appetite, and how I’m rather envious of that kind of vigor.

My guest leaves, unharmed but feeling explicitly threatened, and makes some remark about most people being content with goldfish.

kittyknowsthings :

aurorajay :

Tada! Dye-painted wool felt cape, part of my emperor moth comission.

@systlin

grayladyofthewell :

smitethepatriarchy :

artandrhinos :

rossberrypie :

Best pirate ive ever seen…

I am living for this meme

I watched this without sound at first and can say that the music changes everything.

@per-solaris-ad-tempora

mcmansionhell :

It’s that time of year again, folks! Fire up the range, get the frosting out, and pour some hot cocoa, because the McGingerbread Hell 2019 Competition has now been officially launched!

Your task is to create the most nubtastic, gawdawful gingerbread McMansion in all of McMansion Hell!! If you succeed, you will be rewarded with cool merch and even some money (as much cash as I’m able to put up post-wedding):

Prizes!

• First Prize: $100, a T-shirt, 3 pins from the McMansion Hell store and a roast by yours truly of any building of your choice!
  
• Second Prize: $50 and a T-shirt and 3 pins from the McMansion Hell store
• Third Prize: a T-shirt and 3 pins from the McMansion Hell store.
• Honorable Mentions: stickers from the McMansion Hell store and an award certificate.

All winners will be featured on the blog and will be mailed an award certificate.

Rules and Regulations:

• Gingerbread structures must be constructed mainly of gingerbread and icing.

• Styrofoam and other support materials are not permitted.

• Entries must be original, don’t just assemble a pre-made kit. (to clarify: you can use materials from kits but don’t just put a kit together and call it a McMansion)

• All components of the display, except for the base, must be made of edible materials.

• Edible materials include candy, nuts, cereal, cookies, crackers, pasta, and other food items that do not include wrappers or sticks. Wrappers should be removed from candy and other decorations.

• Entries must be created this year

Entries will be judged on:

• overall appearance (30 points)

• originality/creativity (30 points)

• workmanship/technique (30 points)

• difficulty (10 points)

!!!! ABOUT OUR 2019 JUDGES !!!!

Kate Wagner

Kate Wagner is an architecture and cultural critic based in Washington, DC. She is the creator of the blog McMansion Hell, which examines the phenomenon that is the McMansion and uses it as a tool for architectural education and humorous cultural remarks. Kate has written about architecture, design, and culture for numerous publications including The Atlantic, CityLab, Metropolis, and The Nation. She is a columnist at The New Republic, The Baffler, and Curbed.

Anjulie Rao 

Anjulie Rao is a Chicago-based journalist and Editor of Chicago Architect magazine. As a writer, she focuses on livable built environments, equitable design, architecture criticism, and radical urbanism. With an academic background in art history, she enjoys intersections between art, infrastructure, and political narratives. She completed her Masters in New Arts Journalism from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago in 2014 and her bylines can be found in Chicago Architect, Metropolis, American Craft Magazine, Chicago Magazine, Artsy, Curbed Chicago, and LUXE Magazine, among others.

Sarah Archer

 Sarah Archer is a design and art writer based in Philadelphia, and the author of the “The Midcentury Kitchen: America’s Favorite Room, from Workspace to Dreamscape, 1940s-1970s” which was published this year by Countryman Press. Her first book, “Midcentury Christmas” explores the material culture of Christmas during the Cold War in the United States. She is a contributing editor at American Craft Magazine, and writes regularly for Hyperallergic, The Atlantic, Architectural Digest, and The New Yorker online. Her articles and reviews have appeared in Curbed, Metropolis, CityLab, Slate, The Washington Post, The Magazine Antiques, Modern Magazine, The Journal of Modern Craft, and Studio Potter

Registration starts December 8th, 2019 and ends January 8th, 2019. Winners will be announced January 10th, 2019.

Submissions (including photo upload) will be handled via this Google Form: https://forms.gle/XNeo4AKDLdjLcWWD6

If you have any questions, please direct them to: kate@mcmansionhell.com with the subject: Gingerbread

Looking forward to seeing your entries!

cannibalcoalition :

If you thought that The Flower Thief was finished, then you severely underestimated her resolve. 

Lee.

Lee I love your stories so much.

tilthat :

TIL English inventor Joseph Merlin designed the first roller skates for a masquerade party in 1760. Not bothering to practice, he smashed into a wall length mirror upon entrance.

via ift.tt

the-punforgiven :

I think one of the reasons I like armour and masks so much is because I enjoy not being identifiable as anything more than vaguely bipedal and hard to kill with melee weapons

espresso-ghost">theshitpostcalligrapher:

before yall ask, this can’t be a print because copper on black paper is a NIGHTMARE to scan

espresso-ghost :

mazarinedrake :

bogleech :

kaible :

bogleech :

coolclaytony :

bogleech :

this 50′s hungarian comic strip I’d never heard of until now is so damn cute for something that also gets so horny

It helps that the writer was trying to create something he hoped would appeal to women as much as men.

Yeah and I think where it really succeeds vs. modern anime wifey fantasy shit is that Jucika really is just a character super comfortable with being sexual, likes looking sexy and even has no shame in using it to get her way:

….But at the same time, she doesn’t tolerate being objectified against her wishes:

….And the comic takes her side in both cases, whereas I’ve seen countless modern narratives in which this same character would have only been framed as like a Slutty ™ Bitch ™ or full blown villain.

One of the things I also really like about this comic, besides what’s already been stated, is that the humor isn’t always about her being sexy. Sometimes it’s just about other goofy things in her life!

oh yes many of them are experienes just anybody can relate to

but then there’s also the time she just….built a functional AI?

she just didn’t predict how the robot rebellion would really manifest

Every time I see this post it has more of these comics on it and they are all super adorable <3

gffa :

The Mandalorian | Chapter 5 - The Gunslinger

#PELI MOTTO:  ACTUAL GOOD INSTINCTS

So the part about “Something with bones!” intrigues me
becuase between that and the ‘attempting to swallow vertebrates whole’
it sort of implies that The Baby is an Ossivore

Not unlike a Lammergeier.

Which, tbh, is much more interesting than my previous headcanon of “Yoda is an Obligate Vegan but eats cheese anyway and that’s why he thinks people can’t resist the Dark Side Of The Force.”

madnessofmen :

only address me as The Friend from now on

unreal-floristry :

_{The Bride’s Guide to Unreal Floristry, entry 17}

_{See more at @unreal-floristry and on Patreon}

littlewitchlingrowan :

littlewitchlingrowan :

fenland-witch :

littlewitchlingrowan :

manicbucket :

littlewitchlingrowan :

Mom is under the weather so the witchcraft is real in this house tonight. Illness be gone, I don’t have time for your shit.

mind if I ask for the recipe? :)

No, not at all! 😊 This is a family recipe that I swear by. It never, ever fails me.

Alright, this is a chicken soup recipe, so there will be meat products being used. I figure I oughta give that disclaimer since I don’t know who may be vegetarian/vegan.

Now onto your ingredients:
-Two boxes of store bought chicken broth
-One white onion
-Garlic (I use the pre-minced store garlic because a) it saves time and b) it’s much easier to infuse into the broth)
-Celery
-Carrots
-Wide egg noodles
-Chicken bouillon cubes
-Salt
-Pepper
-Bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs.

Directions:

Get yourself a big ass soup pot, toss in your chicken, chicken broth and fill the rest of the way with water (you want your pot about ¾ full). Put it on high and vent your lid. Par boil your chicken until it begins trying to boil over then reduce heat to med-high and let simmer. This is where you get your rich, hearty stock from. The broth, fat from the skin and marrow from the bones do wonderful things together, let me tell you.

While this happens, dice your carrots and celery ahead of time and set them aside. Once your chicken is done (it’ll look kinda gray and yellow instead of white and pink), pluck it out of the pot into a large bowl. Move your pot off the heat so it doesn’t cook out your stock. One by one, move a thigh into a seperate bowl and proceed to shred your chicken. (Pro-tip, if you have a hand mixer or food processor, this process can go much faster as long as the bones are removed)

Next, put in your veggies and noodles with the shredded chicken. Next comes spices. Add pepper and salt to taste (you can always do a little at a time if you’re worried about going overboard) along with about 4-5 bouillon cubes. If you have minced garlic, add about 4 spoonfuls (the little spoons) into the broth. If you have whole cloves, smash em and mince the shit out of them, about 6 big ones, and toss them in.

Stir really well (I always stir both clockwise and counter to banish sickness and draw wellness). Set the pot back on the heat (remember, med-high) and let that sucker cook until the noodles are just at al-dente. You don’t want em too squishy and mushy. Take this time while the noodles cook to taste your broth repeatedly. You want to taste the all the components strongly without them being too overpowering. Basically, if it burns your throat pleasantly and makes your nose tickle, you got yourself a badass broth.

Once done, serve with fresh cracked pepper and a big ass glass of water or vitamin c rich juice. Remember to remove the pot from the heat even after it’s off so it doesn’t continue to cook out your broth and over-tenderize your noodles.

To store: let the soup cool completely and transfer to a big tupperware and refrigerate. Eat the rest within the next 2 days.

Stay well or get better this season!

Well this is going in my receipe book!

Holy crow is this getting notes! While I’m here, I’d like to mention that this soup is going to make you pretty tired. I made this for my sister two months ago and right after she finished, she laid down and slept for 10 hours straight and woke up with a face full of snot but clear sinuses. Tonight, mom ate her bowl and took a 4 hour nap on the couch. She just wandered off to bed after telling me her sinuses and chest already feel much clearer and her throat barely hurts. I’m not sure what it is about this soup, but it knocks you clean out and goes straight to work on what ails you. So be cautious about driving or anything of the sort after eating this. Not that it has the same sedative capabilities as say, morphine, but I would recommend finding a cozy place to curl up afterwards on the off chance you do end up feeling drowsy, just to err on the side of caution.
I’d also like to mention that I am in no way a doctor so don’t take my advice in lieu of medical assistance! Please, if you can, seek a doctor first as always. This is purely meant to be used in a supplementary fashion in addition to medication.
Okay I’ll leave you guys alone now, I’ve talked your ears off enough.

Damn, this is STILL getting notes? The flattery is real y'all. Thank you 💕 I hope my recipe is able to bring you comfort and healing when you don’t feel well!

I believe this is the magic soup recipe that one ask was looking for? This looks baller, so I’ll keep the recipe for the next cold snap.