This week in depression
It’s been a while since I woke up in the middle of the night with an itch to make a new OC! I take this as a good sign.
Here’s yet another Qunari lady to join my gang of Blackwall-mancers!
So far, I’ve had:
the Spoiled Princess With Hidden Heart Of Gold (Azelma Cadash);
the Friendly Jock (Jacqueline Lavellan);
the Gentle Mom Friend (Nana Lavellan);
the Sad Shy Bean (Saarath Adaar);
the Tired Single Parent (Undomiel, a dwarf adopted into the Lavellan clan);
the Foul-Mouthed Tough Gal Who Cares More Than She Lets On (Naali Adaar);
the Confused Insecure Bean (Cassia - plus maybe also Shane, since I am equally interested in putting him together with Blackwall and a modded Felix);
and the Aspiring Artist Who Is Always In Awe Of The World (Jade Cadash).
Now it’s time for the Excitable Natural Science Nerd - i.e. kind of a female counterpart of my Dorianmancer Trevelyan Barris (the third Barris son and Delrin’s little bro). Her name is Adiba, and she is from Rivain, from a large mixed family of Qunari and local humans.
Adiba is a surgeon; her calling has taken her all over Thedas, from pirate ships to battlefields to elven alienages. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of the human (or, well, any) body that some of the superstitious Chantry lot find terrifying (there definitely have been rumours that she steals corpses from funeral pyres to experiment on them), and is also eager to study the behaviour of animals. When travelling through southern Thedas, she came across a group of apostate mages who were still too traumatized by their time in the Circle, and so terrified of their own magic that they did not dare try and use it for healing their wounded. She stuck around them, encouraging them to adopt non-magical healing methods until they were ready to tap into healing magic. They travelled to the Conclave together, and then things turned out the way they did.
I love her
I wuv them
If I looked in the magical mirror, and saw myself exactly as I most long to be, what would I see? It was a key moment for me when I first read that passage in The Philosopher’s Stone, and realised more clearly than I ever had before that my own answer to that question was, unavoidably, “Myself as a woman, of course.”
Usually, the things that make sense when I’m in a depressive or suicidal episode don’t make sense when the episode passes.
But, one does. It makes me uncomfortable that I always believe it.
How won’t suicide solve my problems? If I’m dead, I won’t have to deal with anything. How is that not a fact?
Like burning down a house to not do dishes. It’ll work, but let’s see what other options there are first. l can always die later if nothing else works.
I can’t wait to read Dr. Chuck Tingle’s new hit novel Trans Wizard Harriet Porber and the Bad Boy Parasaurolophus, which is the only novel about a wizard in England that anyone has ever written.
I’m curious like in all good faith what’s his actual writing like? Are these actually readable?
The writing is fascinating. From a purely technical standpoint, I would call Tingle’s prose “competent”; he knows what he’s doing and it reads just fine, but it’s not spectacular.
However, he has such a vivid imagination and is trying to tell such imaginative and utterly buck wild and unique stories that it creates a “forcing too much water through too small a pipe” sort of effect, which makes the whole experience even more delightful by maximizing how surreal it is.
Chuck Tingle is an icon of what outsider art should be.
The amount of lesbians who know that they’re lesbians from a young age versus the amount of gay men who know that they’re gay from a young age shows a staggering difference in that most lesbians take way longer to realize that they’re gay.
Girls are told that dating men is supposed to be hard and essentially unfulfilling. That it’s normal to expend emotional and sexual labor without receiving anything or feeling anything in return. Girls are told that their attraction to men and relationships with men should be difficult and sometimes feel forced because men are so emotionally lacking or otherwise “hypermasculine”.
Realizing that you don’t like men because you’re gay versus just feeling emotionally exhausted or unable/unsure of how to “please” men is part of the reason why compulsory heterosexuality is so damaging. It forces many girls to continue to date men and to keep trying to feel attraction to them long after they’ve realized that there’s nothing there—particularly blaming themselves for the reasons why relationships with men don’t work out instead of thinking it’s an indicator of being gay, which most (though of course not all) gay men are able to recognize as an initial indicator early on.
Primarch Week Day 4
I am so excited to FINALLY be able to share this. I commissioned this from @savbakk… (Checks email) July 22 of last year! Just shy of twelve whole months! And she’s been so patient with me while I’ve pecked away at its accompanying story. I’m finally comfortable enough to share the first chapter of Shanxi, and I’m so fortunate to have this as my cover image.
The expression on his face! Those eyes! Sav nailed every detail from the text that I sent her and I couldn’t be more in love with this image. Thank you, Sav!!
I hate that I have to fix myself
It feels so deeply painfully alone
I don’t want to have to learn to care about myself. It doesn’t feel fair. It’s like I missed out on the years when other kids received unconditional love and developed a sense of self worth. And now I have to try to not need the parental kind of validation and unconditional love without ever having really gotten to experience it.
It was supposed to be my parents’ job. and they fucked up. and now I have to learn to value and love and myself because I didn’t get that kind of love from someone else back when I needed it and now it’s too late.
I don’t want to have to accept that.
I still feel like a lost unloved child who has to love herself because she’s not worthy of or deserving of that kind of love from someone else.
sincerely, a person who has been on prozac for 9 years
this is in response to some shitty stuff i’ve seen on my dash recently. it’s super simplified, so if you’d like to know some more indepth stuff on how exactly it works, google it—OR BETTER YET actually talk to a mental health doctor psychiatrist person wow
Prozac has literally stopped me killing myself. I would be dead if it weren’t for antidepressants. If you spread misinformation I’ll come to your house and smack u into orbit.
I’ll join you and steamroll people
As someone who takes the highest dosage of zoloft (setraline) possible for my body in order to function as a “normal” human being, allow me to assure you that if I ever hear you talking shit about needing to take meds, I will pull your head out of your arse and smack it into the nearest wall.
This is good, the one thing I’ll point out is that sometimes antidepressants will make you numb- it’s happened to me and my sister- but that’s a sign you’re on the wrong one. So if it happens, go back to your doctor and say you want to try a new one.
signal boosting the fuck outta this SO HARD because the right medication can make all the difference
Also it takes a while to settle into your meds. They will tell you two weeks but it’s actually more like 6 weeks.
My aunt texted me some photos me when I was small. I can’t stop looking at them.
I showed them to my therapist as proof nothing bad happened to me. This child looks fine. Nothing is happening to this girl. The story I’ve been telling is not true.
My therapist turned it on me. She said does this girl look like she deserves to be suffocated? Does she look like revolting? Like someone everyone just hates on sight? Does she looks ready to be sexually active? The story I’ve been telling is not true.
I remember that sweatshirt. I remember a very similar dog, but the one I remember was much bigger. (I know.)
Wait. That’s dissociation? You mean being normal?