So quick update about my blog. Between work and school, I really haven’t had the chance to post here, so I haven’t even contacted Tumblr. I think I just need to use this more as a tool for now.
I’ve spoken on here about my sin issue before, but if you don’t already know, I have a big problem with my sexual integrity. I’ve never really gone into detail about it, so here it is.
I first found porn in 4th grade. That would’ve made me 9 or 10, which is gross enough to just think about. I was too young both physically and spiritually to know that what I was doing was bad. All I knew was that I didn’t want my parents to know.
My reliance on porn grew and grew. Finally, my current girlfriend (who I both plan on marrying and has been through more of my garbage than any person deserves) made it so that I couldn’t avoid the fact that what I was doing was sinful. I had always convinced myself that I was fine, despite the fact that every time I fell, it resulted in me feeling bad. I tried to stop. I couldn’t stop. I realized then that I was addicted. I was - and still am - an addict.
I’ve had periods of both great success and great failure since then. The best I have done was going between 40 and 50 days without, but I haven’t done that well in a while.
Recently, between school and work, I’ve been under a lot of stress. I started to feel like I was drowning. All my time was either spent at school, at work, or sleeping. The temptation that I dealt with every day got worse. It got much worse. It got to the point that it felt like I was constantly either dealing with temptation or with the guilt that resulted from giving in.
Then I did something bad. I did something really bad. One night, I was really struggling. I felt the need for human interaction. My girlfriend and I have been abstaining and I didn’t want to push my issue onto her. I went on the internet and looked for a medium to sext with strangers. I convinced myself that it was just one step up from the porn that had been my unfortunate companion for the majority of my life. It’s just porn with another person, right?
I got matched with someone. I broke. I spent over an hour messaging this person about how terrible of a person I am. I told her I’m a Christian. I told her I’m in a relationship. I told her I have this stupid addiction and that I felt it was ruining my life. Needless to say, nothing happened. I told my girlfriend regardless because she deserves to know, and if I’m going to marry her, I don’t want any secrets between us. She understandably lost some trust in me, but she still loved me and stayed with me.
More recently, I fell to the same temptation. This time, however, I didn’t stop halfway through. After what happened before, I didn’t think myself capable of doing something like that, but I did. Again, I told my girlfriend. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but because God has blessed me with such a wonderful woman, she didn’t leave me. This is what it took for me, I think, to realize that I cannot, in fact, do this by myself.t
Last night I went to a program called Celebrate Recovery. Think of it as an AA meeting for Christians with different groups for different sin issues. It was the first time in such a long while that I felt fear walking into a church. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. The result was eye-opening. The result was a light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope now. I think I can do this. I’m not sure the temptation will ever go away, but I think I might be able to put a stop to me giving in.
I’m posting this because I need you all to be my accountability partners. I have thousands of eyes watching what I’m doing, and I want you all to know that I’m not perfect and I’m trying. Not only that, but I need you to share this. I need you to reblog this because I know that there are thousands of other people out there going through the same thing. It might even be you. I need as many of these people as possible to know that there is hope. There is salvation. God still loves you, and you can still make a change. Thanks for reading. <3