Comes up and overtakes me. it’s little things throughout each day that cause me pain. the sadness is completely wrapped up in the other men. i feel physical pain when i see one talking to other women, but the reality is I am petrified to be divorced. I am in so much pain over it that i can’t even speak about it without losing my shit. I say all the reasons that its happening, how happiness is on the other side, how I deserve so much more, how I need to matter to someone, etc. all those things are true…
but when i see families hanging out being families I ache. when I see couples making plans to spend time alone and exploring interests together I ask myself if we tried? did we? or did I bail because I thought I was going to be w someone else and falling into another domestic life with someone I thought was hot was going to be the way to go. Did I have a fantasy that running into someone else’s arms was going to put together all my shattered pieces?
or is it because throughout all of this I thought my husband would fight for me? how I hoped he’d want to be the one I thought of every morning and before i went to sleep. I hoped he’d try to win me back, by feeling sad and begging me to not walk away. by watching my pain through this process and saying what can I do to help you? even expressing that he once loved me and was afraid to live life without me.
i didn’t get that. Not for a minute. He has resolved that we are done and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I am not done. That’s the absolute worst part. I still want to protect him from shitty people, I still care about him and his well being, on a regular basis I want to fall into his arms and tell him everything and about my pain.I still want to hang out as a family and it kills me that there is no more family life or vacations to ever be had together.
I’ll never have that from him. While I was tearing him down he was building walls to protect himself from me. I get it. but i can’t sign those fucking papers saying we are done. because i’m not. all the acting out is a direct result to being in pain, it’s not about actually having the other relationships.
I look at our wedding picture and I have no regrets. I was in love and was so excited to be walking towards the rest of my life. The idea that there was someone who wanted to spend their life with me was thrilling. He’s saved me, he’s destroyed me, he’s loved me, he’s hated me, he’s fed me and starved me, he’s opened my mind and closed his, he’s selfish and refuses to accept responsibility for any wrongdoings, but for some reason, i ache with sadness because I still love him.