@heelsarefordancing-blog

Comes up and overtakes me. it’s little things throughout each day that cause me pain. the sadness is completely wrapped up in the other men. i feel physical pain when i see one talking to other women, but the reality is I am petrified to be divorced. I am in so much pain over it that i can’t even speak about it without losing my shit. I say all the reasons that its happening, how happiness is on the other side, how I deserve so much more, how I need to matter to someone, etc. all those things are true…

but when i see families hanging out being families I ache. when I see couples making plans to spend time alone and exploring interests together I ask myself if we tried? did we? or did I bail because I thought I was going to be w someone else and falling into another domestic life with someone I thought was hot was going to be the way to go. Did I have a fantasy that running into someone else’s arms was going to put together all my shattered pieces? 

or is it because throughout all of this I thought my husband would fight for me? how I hoped he’d want to be the one I thought of every morning and before i went to sleep. I hoped he’d try to win me back, by feeling sad and begging me to not walk away. by watching my pain through this process and saying what can I do to help you? even expressing that he once loved me and was afraid to live life without me. 

i didn’t get that. Not for a minute. He has resolved that we are done and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I am not done. That’s the absolute worst part. I still want to protect him from shitty people, I still care about him and his well being, on a regular basis I want to fall into his arms and tell him everything and about my pain.I still want to hang out as a family and it kills me that there is no more family life or vacations to ever be had together. 

I’ll never have that from him. While I was tearing him down he was building walls to protect himself from me. I get it. but i can’t sign those fucking papers saying we are done. because i’m not. all the acting out is a direct result to being in pain, it’s not about actually having the other relationships. 

I look at our wedding picture and I have no regrets. I was in love and was so excited to be walking towards the rest of my life. The idea that there was someone who wanted to spend their life with me was thrilling. He’s saved me, he’s destroyed me, he’s loved me, he’s hated me, he’s fed me and starved me, he’s opened my mind and closed his, he’s selfish and refuses to accept responsibility for any wrongdoings, but for some reason, i ache with sadness because I still love him. 

I was asked today what I want.

happiness. friends. laughter. new experiences and adventures. to feel free and that around every corner is an opportunity. 

what I want in a partner: a supporter, genuine care and concern, interest in trying new things, acceptance of me, a soft place to land.

Driving home from a bar on Tuesday night and I wanted to hear from you. I almost lost my shit over you. I was physically antsy that you hadn’t reached out. I struggled and struggled over texting. But I was afraid as I always am when its been several days that if I text you won’t respond. When you don’t respond it is worse than me just waiting. I slept for a couple hours, but then woke up around 2:30. I saw you online and decided “fuck it” and I texted.

Then I wondered why….cause it matters too fucking much. Everything with you matters too much to me. I want to be able to hang out with you, see you,talk to you like the rest of my friends, and mostly I’m done with the secrets. I feel like that’s all I am to you is a fucking secret. You have your life and the people in it and a bad part is that I used to be friends with your girlfriend. so that makes me feel kind of bad sometimes. 

so she’s not just some random. It’s some girl who would hurt if she found out we were a thing. so what I wish…was that you were single and wanted to be with me the way I want to be with you…out in the open.

I don’t see that happening…my life has been changing quickly and as much as I needed you to be my secret I am passed that…

I am so much more than a secret. 

I can’t deal with the frustration of not knowing when you are coming back to want to talk to me, what kind of thoughts you have about me, if you care nearly as much about me as I care about you. I want to end the uncertainty so I am out.

sometimes I think that i love you then i think that i love you for what you’ve done for me unknowingly. i saw in you something that i wanted to be a part of, you had this reputation, but in my almost 1 year relationship with you i have never experienced anything but positive interactions with you. 

you had turned into my drug that I couldn’t get enough of, the smiles and teasing and all the good feelings that came with it-that there was a person out there thinking of me and wanting to talk to me. I waited with anticipation for the end of the day so I could come see you. 

sometimes i love you for allowing me to see that men do like me, think I’m hot, think I’m strong, enjoy talking with me, and that I deserve much more than I was getting. for that, i will always be grateful. that after a lot of  years i could FEEL again and a lot, and experience joy, anticipation, excitement, and still after all this time of texting, a wave of relief every.fucking. time. a text comes in because then I know for sure you haven’t bailed.

i work on every day being ok with the possibility that one of us will bail. somedays I think it’ll be you and other days I think it’ll be me.

sometimes I think neither will bail because we need *this* too much-the attention the knowledge of someone wanting us, the secret relationship, the one that no one can know about for many reasons, the level of dirtiness that is just getting started…

sometimes I think I don’t even know you….

sometimes I think if you really knew me that you wouldn’t even like me

  This domestic life has been a challenge for the last six years. A lot of my issues in my marriage falling apart can be contributed to this domestic life. 

I stopped writing because I was in a funk and still am. The Open Wod’s combined with final preparations for my half was a little stressful. I realized that by doing the open wods on both fri and sat that it left me unable to properly run. My last long run before the race was 11 hilly miles and my time significantly slowed down due to my soreness from crossfit. 

I realized during the open where my priorities are. I like crossfit, but some things are out of my reach. Could I really really push myself to make something happen? yes. I spent many nights on practically dead arms practicing negative hand stand push ups or just being upside down. I practiced double unders, I practiced sit ups, etc. But in the end I was doing everything on overworked muscles and I wasn’t feeling light and fast on my runs and that blew my mind. so I stopped practicing. I stopped doubling up and decided one work out a day has to be enough because I won;t be able to do anything well if I keep up my schedule. 

During the open I managed a 65 pound OHS. In 3 minutes I did 7 of them and hated every minute of it. I also taught myself toes to bar with my awkward not quite there yet kip. I also kicked ass in this deadlift wod. As much as I always loved deadlifts I know that for my size I will prob never be a heavy deadlifter even if I try so hard and have shitty form, it’s not going to be my area of acceleration. I had a sore back for 3 days from shitty deadlift form and I thought….WHY?

I have a busted shoulder. I find out a Tuesday what is actually wrong with it-suspicions are that its a rotator cuff issue. Most likely I am going to have to take 4-6 weeks off and somehow rehab my shoulder. I am going away next week and had planned on visiting a crossfit in GA. I may still do that-busted shoulder and all.

I ran my half in 1:48. I didn’t run a smart race. My GPS was messed up and was saying I was running in the very low 7’s in the first few miles…ummm, no I wasn’t!! I was running mid 8’s. I thought for sure that the last 3 miles I was going to bust out some amazing pace…in reality, my legs were tight, it was pouring, and I felt like it was never going to end. No passing people in some glorious moment…

 so that experience is frustrating…it could have been a better race if I trained better and not on tired muscles…

I haven’t posted in awhile because I feel like I am in a slump and there is nothing to brag about. I have been feeling more and more frustrated as the games have started. Last week I re-did “Jackie” and assumed I’d kill it since I’ve been rowing a lot. Ummm, no. I beat my time by 30 secs. Really? I bust through my thrusters at what I think is a reasonable rate….but it really was just about the same as a month ago. The other members all got to put their name on the wall for their PR’s and I couldn’t be on the wall since I had to use the band for pull ups. 

The open was announced and out of 38 people at my box, only 2 of us did singles. 2 people and I was one of them. I’ve been there 6 freaking months and I can’t do one double under. I asked the gym teacher at my school to help me and we are working on my wrists, but its truly embarasssing on some level. 

I didn’t run my long run this week and I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t row this week and I didn’t care. My shoulder was in so much pain that while trying to do jerks today I was in excusiating pain. I started to cry my arm/shoulder hurt so badly. I did my own workout. It sucked that I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing. The next open will be announced and it will prob be more shit that I can’t do…

Shit just got real. First open WOD announced. I’m doing it Saturday. Not a fan of snatches and I can’t do double unders!!!!I wish I could do the DU.

STANCEPACEELAPSED TIME1 mi08:08 min/mi8:07

2 mi08:22 min/mi8:21

3 mi08:07 min/mi8:05

4 mi07:51 min/mi7:51

5 mi08:03 min/mi8:02

6 mi07:38 min/mi7:37

7 mi07:42 min/mi7:41

8 mi08:04 min/mi8:03

9 mi08:36 min/mi8:35

10 mi08:32 min/mi8:3110 mi08:38 min/mi0:20

I practiced pistols once but haven’t done them in a WOD. I did them on a box and it took a really long time. I had to concentrate a lot so I would not fall. I bought a jump rope on Amazon since I hate having someone else use “my” jumprope.  I had coach cut it for me, but then it was awful to use. I felt like it was too short and I kept tripping over it. I need to drop my deadlift weight, I could feel my back rounding…

Longest distance I have done in about 3 years…I felt shitty the entire run. My back hurt, I was cold, and even when I was pushing as hard as I could a slight incline felt like I was climbing mt. everest. told my coach I wanted a re-do. so next sunday, please, please by warmer so I can feel better and run faster. I can NOT stand running in this cold ANYMORE!!!!!

All I can say is that it was hard. I can’t catch my clean in a squat, more like a tiny bend in my legs. So I basically had to do a front squat 10 times. Coach said I get five stars…so I guess I did ok.

It’s quite frustrating when I’ve done a move before and suddenly yesterday I couldn’t without difficulty. The first time I did OH squats I used an empty bar and did not go all the way down. I came back up as soon as it was uncomfortable. Since last week when my flexibility/tightness was pointed out to me and I work on it, I can feel the tightness. I practiced OH squats at home and could feel myself leaning forward and running out of breath trying them. When I warmed up I said to coach, “i am having trouble with OH squats.” he told me to use a PVC pipe. ugh. regression. I ended up using a band. I had as much trouble as people with lots of weight on their bars. foam roller, foam roller, foam roller, oh and everyone liked my ass in my super tight capri pants. My ass is the talk of the box.

https://running.competitor.com/2011/08/injury-prevention/the-10-best-mobility-exercises-for-runners_36329/10

It has been brought to my attention while doing squats that I round my back. WHAT?! I did my squat challenge which led up to 100 squats and I didn’t know I was doing them incorrectly. Thankfully, coach showed me exactly what I should be doing and explained the reason I cannot do them correctly is because I am tight in my legs. I am? my legs do not even hurt me (most of the time) so the suggestion was to spend more time stretching. I use the foam roller at the box, but not that much and not for that long. Decided to get my own roller and found that I had tightness in my right calf. Today during my run my right calf started feeling super tight…coincidence? Also I noticed during my run that when I slowed down at mile 6 to cross the street, just that slight pause made starting up feel pretty painful as the tightness set in. I don’t typically feel that, but it must be because I don’t give my legs a break. So most amazing run so far in my life:

distance: 8 miles

time: 1:05.22

pace: 8:09

and some was slightly hilly…

last mile: PR BABY-7:42 where the hell did that come from?!

I never did a back squat, well maybe once in a WOD, but I never did them for a PR. I asked if front and back were about the same in terms of how much weight you could squat. Coach said more weight on a back squat. so I did 120. Then we did burpees. We had to jump up after the burpees and touch a target 6 inches above our heads. It wasn’t too bad

crossfitters:

Christmas Abbott

Starting the day I used the band for pull ups my shoulder started hurting. It has continuously hurt anytime anything went over my head or I did band pull ups. Sat it was REALLY bothering me, and yesterday too. i used heat on it yesterday, but today is the first time that it is hurting without me doing anything. It hurt opening and closing doors, etc. so my first injury?! I can’t have an injury. The idea of scaling back even more stresses me out. I ALREADY scale everything! Rowing it doesn’t hurt, but I don’t think rowing helped either. I am so so frustrated. What kind of a Dr. do I see anyway? Just my regular physician or a specialist? will they tell me not to do crossfit?

Can I clean more than 65? yes? can I jerk more than 65? well thats questionable. We had a partner WOD on Sat that consisted of 5 cleans, 5 thrusters, and 5 burpees. I was freaked out and annoyed that the barbell made it into Saturdays. Saturdays are supposed to be low stress…the stress kicked in and my injured partner was calm, cool, and collected while doing her modified work with one arm. She stood next to me and cheered me on for every single (sort of) thruster. It bothered me that they were unbroken towards the end.

anyway, today I knew I wasn’t moving past 65. I want 65 to feel so easy for me, so comfortable, that I want to break up with it. I want to feel like, “do you know what 65?” I am all done with you. Coach was amazing today. Teasing me, offerring practical tips (like practice) and I felt like I was completely accepted with my low weight and all. Funny thing is that I finished first. I banged out 8 or 9 reps in the first minutes, about 3 each min. No hesitation with my 65. Maybe, just maybe I’ll try heavier next time.

crossfitters:

Stacie Tovar.

I would like to be able lift weight like this.

Weight: 127/128 currently although it was 126 earlier in the month…

I have to say some really important changes have begun this month. The first change was how I eat. Some members created a fb page about healthy eating and many members jumped on to do whole30. I was interested, but not ready to make a full committment. One of reasons was I felt like my weight was coming off and that with the running also I needed to eat some carbs and some cheat meals/beer. 

Anyway, the interesting thing was I got caught up with their posts and actually started food shopping for the first time since I was single when I was 26. My single shopping consisted of pasta roni and canned soups. So this was REAL food shopping. I figured out how to prepare meat. How to quickly boil eggs, etc. I kind of like it now and honestly MOST of my eating is whole30 compliant. I will not have an issue going paleo after this. My cheats have been a handful of beers, dessert hear or there, some bars (zone bars and kind bars), sweetened almond milk, and oatmeal. 

With the eating I was hoping for more physical changes, but since I am doing an ass challenge I think my ass is better from the squats, not the spinach!I thought maybe my stomache would flatten a bit, but no. It’s the same. I think my stomach is my PCOS hanging on for dear life.

   I have committed to my schedule. I used to be willy nilly with it, but I have created a schedule and its working for me. I no longer have the FOMO (fear of missing out) when I don’t go to crossfit on a run/row day. I know how important the running and rowing are to my goals so I take it seriously. I feel like for the most part coach and I are on a better path. I feel comfortable txting about my runs and I am really really happy that he’s supporting my running goals. Our relationship is not where I want it to be, but overall I feel like it’s heading in that direction. 

      This month I have achieved…band pull ups, 65 lb thrusters, toes to bar on a box, attempted push ups in a WOD, less pauses in my burpees, and some progress with the bar.

I know I’ve said I’m ok with it, but I honestly think it will be my struggle until I can get my JUMP. I know with my jump I can achieve better everything, better cleans, better jerks, but yet sometimes I barely jump. Coach says “box jump” and I do it better, but not consistently. When I am on my rower I imagine that I am jumping and I hope that will help me. 

Here’s to doing this crossfit thing as long as I am physically able!!

I skipped my run on Tues to have a day “off” which meant I rowed 2000m in 9:12, did 55 squats, and 18 burpees. It was soo cold in my garage I did my row with a sweatshirt on. That;s a really big deal for me since I work out in a tank top. Always. When I wear a regular t shirt I feel like I am too hot. 

Today I needed to run outside, it has been 3 days since my last run. It was 19. I wore my amazing sugoi mid zero tights, a thermal shirt, a tank over that, a lined long sleeved shirt, a windbreaker, a scarf, a hat, and gloves. When the wind blew, I was cold. I had to run through some snow so my feet got cold. I ran a slow 3.5 miles. ugh. next time no training for something in the middle of winter. Other winters have not been this cold!

https://www.amazon.com/SUGOi-40311U-Sugoi-MidZero-Tights/dp/B003O2THBE

we had to do 3-3-3-3-3-3-3 and I got up to 105. I didn’t want to go any higher because I didn’t think I’d be able to get 3. Last time we did front squats I felt like I could have done more so this time I did 70. They were definitely tough, but not unmanageable. I tried toes to bar using a box. I wasn’t sure which would bring me closer to toes to bar-regular knees to elbow or toes to bar on a box. I asked coach and he seemed like he didn’t realize what I was asking or that I wasn’t really clear. I was frustrated because I didn’t approach him looking for a silly convo, I just wanted an answer :( I know if I texted him the same question I would get a better answer. I HATE that I do a stupid laugh when I am nervous or that I even get nervous. 

Some people at my box have birthday wods. I did not have a birthday wod, I got Cindy as a porn star. I was nervous about the band pull ups since doing 50 of them took me a million years on Fri. Coach asked if I was using the band as if he wasnt sure I would use it, but it may have just been a tactic. who knows. I asked another member for some tips. She told me to hold my whole body tight and to use the momentum of the band to kind of pull me up. The pull ups were fine. I was able to get at least 5 in a row. I also switched my hands. I was unable to effectively do push ups on my knees though. slow as anything on them today. I got called out for my squats. Thought I had them nailed, but I am rounding my back and not keeping my chest up. Maybe by doing 60 in a row I was getting lazy?? when I find my pic I will post. 333 of pull ups push ups and squats.

The before picture was taken at the end of July, 2013, the now picture was taken last Sunday 1/12/14. I weighed 136 and was not working out regularly. Now I work out every day with a rest day about 3-4 times a month. I crossfit 4 days a week and run 2-3 times a week as well as yoga about 3 times a month and my rower. Oh and this month I am doing a squat challenge. I love it. All of it. I am the happiest I have been in my adult life. I feel like all of my struggles, challenges, relationships, have all led me HERE. Proud of who I am inside and out. Proud of finding something I love and dedicating myself to it. 

5 miles @ 810 pace. Three miles were in the 756-757 range. Yeah!!!I really think I’m going to do this!!!!!!

For all the posts where I am hard on myself I can honestly say I am making progress!! I was in yoga on Sunday and I could feel how effortless it was to get in my down dogs, how easy it is to get in and out of positions and how my body just feels different. Today was the first time I caught my wall balls in a squat. It saved some time and I also rested in a squat rather than standing around hoping they would be over soon. And…. And I am so excited… I used the band for pull ups today. I thought I’d have to know how to kip to use the band. I am sure I’m making more work for myself. The funniest was coach yelling at me for just hanging there. ” if you’re going to take a break, take one, don’t just hang there!” I had 4 seconds left and I didn’t think I’d get the bar out to start my cleans, but my moves… They are getting better and that’s what keeps me coming back.