- VMIN AU
SUMMARY: jimin has been in love with taehyung for as long as he can remember, but what happens when after two years without each other, Taehyung finds him again?
WARNINGS: ANGST OH MY GOD ANGST, flufff in the forms of rushed minimoni at the end
MISC: this is so unedited it hurts but enjoy it ahah. italics is either inner thought or a flashback
For the past two years, Jimin has done nothing but think of him. Maybe it was selfish what he did, maybe it was selfish of him to distance himself to protect himself. Yeah, he does regret it. Two years without Taehyung have been nothing but pain, nothing but hurt, the hole eating up Jimin from the inside. Would it have hurt more, to be close to him, without there ever being more? Probably.
At least that’s what Jimin reasons, because he needs some semblance of logic, some reason to what he did. Otherwise, how could he ever forgive himself, for letting go of the love of his life?
It’s difficult to drift from someone like Jimin did, after knowing Taehyung for his entire life, ever since they were in kindergarten. They grew up together, lived down the street from each other, and even went on family vacations together. They considered each other to be soulmates.
Platonic, of course.
“Promise you’ll be with me forever,” Jimin sniffled.
“Are you crying?!” Taehyung giggled.
“Don’t laugh at me?!” Jimin cried, “Mufasa just DIED!”
“He’s a character Jimin…”
“I don’t care! He was so nice. I liked him.”
Taehyung smirked, “More than you like me?”
They settled back down in their sleeping bags, staring at the ceiling, the plastic glow stars lightly peeling off.
Jimin slowly murmured, “Remember 2 years ago when we put those up there? At the start of middle school…”
“…We promised that whenever we looked at the stars we would always think of each other.”
“Because you are my star” They whispered, in unison.
A silence fell in the air. Many would consider this to be cheesy and weird, and while they did occasionally think so too, they truly felt that the other was their person, their soulmate, and because of that, they could say anything.
Taehyung leaned over to look at Jimin’s face, noticing his eyes
“I promise I’ll be with you forever…” Taehyung whispered, flipping back onto his back, “…to answer your question.”
What happened to forever?
Jimin lays on his bed and stares at the ceiling again, except this time it’s bare. His heart feels empty, feels broken. How could he have let him go?
A notification from his phone brings him out of this memory, his mind still hazy and eyes still watery as he glances at the screen.
Instagram: [parkjimin] You have 1 New Message from kimtaehyung
He clicks on it, his brain still not registering who it’s from.
kimtaehyung: Hey, is this Park Jimin? It’s Kim Taehyung !! You know~
Suddenly, Jimin sits up, wiping his eyes as he stares at the message, rereading it a thousand times. Over the past two years, he’s combed through the depths of the internet, through every social media platform, to attempt and find his soulmate. Only to find nothing. But suddenly, after 750 days or so (not like he was counting), he gets a MESSAGE?
Calm down Jimin, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.
parkjimin: oh my god taehyung
parkjimin: is it really you??
parkjimin: i’ve been trying to find you on here forever, what the hell
kimtaehyung: Oh yeah sorry, haha I just got on social media a few weeks ago!
kimtaehyung: How have you been?
How has he been?
Taehyung truly is clueless.
Jimin has to wonder if Taehyung missed him as much as he did. If his heart ached for his embrace as much as his did. If Jimin was always on the back of his mind like he was.
Because if there’s anything Jimin can know for sure, it’s that Taehyung never loved him the way he did. Sure, throughout the course of their friendship, both had dated their fair share of people, but Jimin always preferred casual relationships where he could long for something more with Taehyung. Taehyung preferred serious ones, with I love you’s, meeting the parents, the works. But never with Jimin. That hurt him more than he’d like to admit.
So how to respond? He wrote honestly, the first thing that came to his mind. He wasn’t going to send it but his finger slipped and,
parkjimin: been thinking about you lately.
FUCK HE ACTUALLY SENT IT! AND TAEHYUNG READ IT?!?!
kimtaehyung is typing ….
Fuck fuck fuck.
kimtaehyung: Actually…me too.
He’s still typing, Jimin told himself, let’s see what he has to say.
kimtaehyung: I’m sorry I let us drift, it was my fault. I let it happen.
Fuck. He thinks he let it happen.
Maybe we both did.
kimtaehyung: But let’s start over. Start fresh. I miss you. Wanna go out for a coffee?
He knows he should say no. He knows it’ll hurt too much, to see his face again, to see his boxy smile, his glossy eyes. But he can’t say no. Because as much as he knows it’ll hurt, he can’t resist. He could never resist him.
parkjimin: of course! are you still in seoul?
kimtaehyung: Yep! Do you know Millo Coffee Roasters in Mapo-Gu?
parkjimin: ah i live right by there! when are you free?
There’s a pause before his next message, leaving Jimin nervously fisting the sheets, his teeth clenched.
kimtaehyung: How bout now?
AS IN, RIGHT NOW?
Jimin checks the time, it’s 4pm and it’s a Saturday, not late enough to make an excuse. He can’t say no. He gives in.
parkjimin: oh ok, sure! i’ll see u soon
He makes his way to the coffee shop, smoothing down the sweater he haphazardly threw on. Is he ready for this? Will he ever be ready for this? Who knows.
As he nears the shop, he notices a striking man standing in front, black fluffy hair, grey trench coat, mustard yellow trousers, oh. It’s him.
Suddenly, he turns and spots Jimin, and slightly smiles and waves as he walks over.
“Jimin!” He shouts, boxy smile immediately appearing. Jimin melts, eyes softening.
He’s so precious.
“Tae!” Jimin jogs up to Taehyung and pulls him into a tight hug. Thankfully, he feels him hugging back.
They split, both of their eyes watery after seeing one another after so long. They stay like that, arms still around each other, faces a little too close before they both fall out of their trance and drop their hands.
“…wanna go in?” Taehyung offers, gesturing to the door.
“You first!” Jimin smiles as he ushers Tae in, feeling more full than he has in a while.
After they get their drinks and chat for a while, Taehyung’s face suddenly turns somber.
“Jimin…I actually wanted to meet up to ask you something. Like serious.”
Oh. Fuck, what if he knows? What if he knows but doesn’t feel the same? What if he knows AND feels the same?
“…w-what is it about?” Jimin stutters, his mouth suddenly feeling heavier.
What if Taehyung loves him back?
Taehyung looks nervous, his eyes darting left & right as he runs a hand through his hair. Nervous….What if?
What if he-
Taehyung scrunches his nose, playfully shoving Jimin’s shoulder, “What, are you disappointed or something?”
“A-ah of course not haha,” Jimin giggles uneasily, his mind reeling. He’s fucking engaged. To another person.
“..who’s it to?”
“Ah, you don’t know him. His name is Jungkook, I met him last year at a film screening. He was actually the filmmaker. You’d like him, he also dances!”
Jimin forces a tight-lipped smile, fighting back the tears threatening to expose his anguish. “Congrats,” he grimaces, “I’m so happy for you.”
Taehyung doesn’t notice anything amiss, as he continues, “So the reason why I wanted to meet up is…I want you to be my best man.”
“Oh, wow.” Jimin has to choke back a cry. Best man?
“Fitting, right? Childhood best friend, my best man.” Taehyung chuckles, “I completely understand if you want to say no, but I really hope you say yes.”
He knows he should say no.
He knows that this, this will be the final straw, the thing that will shatter his heart until it’s too broken to repair. Standing at the altar, next to Taehyung, except on the opposite side. Watching, as he gets married to someone else. He knows he will never recover from this.
He has to say no. He should just say something like, “Fuck you,” and leave. That would be fitting. How dare he ask him to be his best man, after two years without speaking? The audacity?
But yet again, Jimin cannot say no. How could he say no to Taehyung? Not when he’s asking so earnestly, obviously so excited, so happy, so horrible clueless to how Jimin feels;
He clears his throat, staring at his hands, trying desperately to stall for time. To do anything but answer him. He knows his voice will betray him. He closes his eyes, feeling the last drop of restraint leaving his body.
Immediately Taehyung smiles so wide, his eyes bright and glistening. He reaches over the table and pulls Jimin into a tight embrace, burying his head in Jimin’s shoulder.
“I’m so glad you say yes Jimin-ah! I missed you so much, truly.”
“So did I.” Jimin smiles sadly. More than you’ll ever know.
The walk home is lonely. Taehyung took a cab, and it’s already getting dark, so Jimin walks along the street alone. It’s dead quiet, except for the faint noises of traffic from the big road behind him.
How could he say yes?
Why couldn’t he be stronger?
No matter what, he can never resist Taehyung. He never could.
“Hey Jimin, I’m going out on a date!” Taehyung shouts as he heads towards the door of their shared dorm, dressed in his only designer clothes, obviously dressed to impress.
“On a date?” Jimin wiggles his eyebrows from the couch, “with who?”
“It’s this guy, Hyunwoo, from my Econ class.”
“Oh I know him, he’s in my Chemistry,” Jimin sighs, “He’s kinda an asshole.”
“He seemed so nice when he asked me out though,” Taehyung pouts, “Don’t try and stop me from going again. You don’t have to protect me.”
“I’m not trying to protect you Taehyung-ah, I just want to warn you!”
“I don’t need to be warned! I’m fully capable of making my own decisions.”
Jimin rolls his eyes, turning back to the television, “Sure~”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SURE?!”
“It means ‘sure’.”
“You’re full of shit.”
Jimin laughs, “I know.”
“I’m gonna have fun on my date, with the hot guy. Good luck getting a boyfriend sitting on the couch like that.”
Jimin threw a pillow back at him, “GET LOST!”
Taehyung laughed, catching the pillow and tossing it back to Jimin, “I’m going! I’m going!”
Once Taehyung leaves, Jimin lets out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding in. Was it supposed to hurt? Why did he feel like this? It’s not like they’re dating. But then why did it feel like betrayal?
Taehyung didn’t feel the same way. He has to remind himself of that. He is painfully reminded of that every time Tae goes out on a date.
It’s not like he’s entitled to feelings. He doesn’t expect them back, he shouldn’t. All he can do is wait. And hope.
And that’s so much more painful.
Jimin gets lost in his thoughts, mind swimming, until he reaches his apartment. As soon as he gets in the door, he stumbles to the couch and falls over, finally allowing the tears to fall. How could he go out and do this and expect it not to hurt? Not to burn? How could he be so stupid?
Months pass before the wedding, and Jimin is with Taehyung every step along the process. He even meets Jungkook, though it truly feels like a stab to the chest. But he has to support Taehyung, no matter what.
Because no matter what, Taehyung is his star, his light. Taehyung is his person, forever.
Until it’s finally the day of.
Jimin looks up from his seat, smoothing out his suit before setting his eyes upon Taehyung, also dressed to the nines in his wedding suit.
He stammers, “Y-yeah?”
“How do I look?” Taehyung looks nervous, more nervous than Jimin has ever seen him look before in his life. He stands, walking toward Taehyung, and smooths on his dress shirt and jacket before stepping back and nodding, admiring his outfit.
“You look great.” Jimin smiles, feeling a small, familiar, pang hit him.
Taehyung smiles softly at the ground, closing his eyes as he slows his breaths.
“I’m so nervous, to be honest,” he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck, “I know this is what I want but, it’s scary still.”
“It’ll be great Tae, you guys are great together.” He can’t lie, they are. The way they look at each other, talk about each other, they’re obviously both madly in love with each other. He has to accept that.
One day he will be able to accept that. Hopefully.
For now he can only look in from the sidelines, look in from the outside. Always there but never there like he wants to be.
Taehyung’s voice draws him out of his trance as he blinks back to reality.
“O-oh sorry, did you say something?”
“Yeah um, can you read through my vows? I just wanted to-”
Suddenly a loud, deep voice interrupts him and both Jimin and Tae whip their heads to the door, where a tall, dimpled man stands, dressed in a similar groomsmen suit to Jimin. Next to him stands two more guys, also in groomsmen suits.
“Namjoon! Seojoon! Wooshik! You three are always late,” Taehyung chastises while ushering the trio in to meet Jimin, all of them awkwardly greeting each other while Taehyung stands in the middle.
The four of them animatedly joke around and talk while Jimin stays silently on the side, not knowing what to say. If Taehyung hadn’t been such a cheapskate and skipped out on a bachelor party and rehearsal, maybe he would’ve met them before the day of the wedding.
Jimin checks his watch, it’s almost time. He clears his throat, catching the attention of Taehyung and points to his watch, mouthing It’s almost 2.
Taehyung’s eyes widen as he breaks apart the group and runs to the mirror, checking every last detail on his face.
Turning around, arms out, he grins, “Don’t I look amazing?”
Jimin speaks up first, lovingly responding, “You always do, Tae”
Namjoon catches this comment, eyeing Jimin suspiciously, before shrugging it off and complimenting Taehyung with the rest of the guys. The group makes their way to the ceremony hall, while Jimin stays in the back. He knows he needs to put up a front and support Taehyung, it’s waaaay too late to get out now. He knows that. But his first instinct is still to run, to run from the heartbreak that he will face. But yet again he can’t do that. He can’t disappoint Tae like that. All he can do is give and give, and eventually he’ll give away his whole heart.
Maybe he already has.
The next half hour is a blur. It’s a rather small ceremony, only family and a handful of friends, and everything feels quite informal. Everything runs smoothly, until it’s finally time.
“I understand that both of you prepared vows, I ask you each now to repeat them.”
Taehyung grins, proudly announcing, “I’ll go first!”, before excitedly pulling out a folded piece of paper from his pocket.
Jimin can’t help but especially tune in to this part, wondering what Taehyung will have to say.
“Ahem, ah okay. Here we go. Jungkook, I love you. I’ve said it hundreds of times before, you know that I can’t seem to say it enough, because it’s true. My entire heart goes to you. And I know it may seem like a no brainer, but it’s true. I’ll be with you through thick and thin, through everything whether good or bad, hard or easy, I’ll be here. I’m here for you always, I promise. I want to promise you the world, and I feel like I should. You deserve the world, you deserve the universe. You deserve all the stars in the world.” Taehyung takes a deep breath before his next words, hands suddenly tightening on the paper.
“You deserve them, because you are my star. Whenever I look at the stars, I will think of you, the boy with stars in your eyes.”
Suddenly Jimin’s heart drops. The world stops. His vision goes white as he realizes what Taehyung is saying. He is starkly reminded of something he had buried deep in the recess of his mind, a letter he had written that had suspiciously gone missing while he was dorming with Taehyung. A letter he had written for Taehyung.
I know you’re never gonna see this. But I have to get it out anyways.
We always say that whenever we look at the stars, we will think of each other. You are my star and I am yours. But to me, that means so much more. You are my boy, the boy with stars in your eyes.
I love you. More than just as a friend. I want to hold you, kiss you, take you out on a date. I want to be yours. Forever and ever. I have for a while now.
But I know you don’t want that. At least not with me. So I’m not writing this for you, I’m writing this for me.
I love you, more than words can say. More than any star in the universe can shine. You are more than just my star. You are my everything.
Jimin’s hands start shaking, his mind reeling as he realizes he is using what they promised to each other as promises for Jungkook. His soulmate used his words, his love letter, and their promises, as his own.
He can’t stay.
Feet stumbling, Jimin runs from the altar, not looking back. He can hear voices behind him but frankly, he doesn’t care. He cannot care. He thought he could at least get through it with a least a part of his heart in tow. But now he’s lost it all, every last piece.
He runs out the door of the building, scrambling to get anywhere, anywhere but here.
It’s a voice he can’t recognize. He stops, dropping his knees to the sidewalk and tucking his face into his hands as all energy drains out of his body. He can’t move anymore, can’t think, can’t even begin to try to process what happened. With just two sentences Taehyung has managed to pull his entire world down, until he is unable to see how it can ever revive again.
A pair of black dress shoes stop in front of him, Jimin peeks at them through his fingers, shoulders crumbling once he realizes they’re not Tae’s.
“Hey, Jimin…I know it’s definitely not my place to ask, but are you okay?”
Jimin looks up, blinking out a couple of tears before adjusting his vision to be greeted by Namjoon, the other groomsman. Should I lie?
There’s only a couple of options for Jimin here.
- Tell Namjoon to fuck off and run away. Again.
- Tell Namjoon everything, including how he’s in love with their mutual friend, who happened to just get married. Or is getting married.
- Tell Namjoon it’s something completely different and lie.
All of these options are shit.
“…Jimin? You okay?” Namjoon repeats, eyebrows furrowing as he awaits Jimin’s answer.
“Um..n-no, not really,” Jimin murmurs
“Yeah I assumed so, since you literally ran away during Tae’s vows…”
“You don’t need to remind me,” Jimin scowls, “And yes, you were right. It isn’t any of your business.”
“Right, right, I’m sorry.” He bends down, “But I think I can help.”
Jimin rolls his eyes. Who does this guy think he is?
“What do you know about me and Taehyung?”
“Not much, I admit. But I’m good at reading people, and you’re not exactly the most guarded person in the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re either in love with Taehyung, or were in love with Taehyung, or just something related to ‘love’ and ‘Taehyung’.” Namjoon shrugs, “I could be completely off though.”
Jimin stares into Namjoon’s eyes, searching for any signs that he’s somehow joking, because if he’s not, it means Taehyung surely must know.
Taehyung’s not THAT clueless right?
Jimin sighs, exasperated.
“If you could figure it out after knowing me for two hours, how could Taehyung not notice for 20 years?”
“You and I both know Tae’s not great at picking up…signals.”
“I’m quite sure he read my literal love letter to him.” Jimin scowls again, getting slightly aggravated.
Namjoon’s eyes widen, as he pauses to think, before replying, “But he’s even worse at confronting things.”
“Are you implying he loved me back?”
“No, I’m saying he wouldn’t know how to bring it up after that. So he didn’t. A similar thing happened with Jungkook actually, Jungkook told Tae-”
“Stop. I don’t wanna hear it.”
“Okay, well if you’re in love with him, why’d you agree to be his best man?”
“What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can’t resist him…” Jimin buries his head in hands once again, unable to bear the pitying look in Namjoon’s eyes.
“You need to talk to Taehyung. You just stormed out of his wedding, he needs answers.”
“It’s not like I can confess to him now. If it wasn’t already impossible before, he’s married now.”
“Exactly, he’s married. You need to move on, Jimin.”
Jimin scoffs, “No shit.”
“You tell yourself you need to move on, but are you actually doing it? Are you even trying?”
Was he trying?
He always tells himself he needs to, but he never truly attempted to do so. His emotions clouded his judgement, and he would rather be in love with someone than feel the emptiness of loneliness.
But he was just as lonely as ever, loving someone from the outside, as always, so close, but just as far as ever.
Will he ever love someone else? Can he love anyone else? Jimin felt he has devoted his entire being, his entire existence to Taehyung. He lived for him, he loved only him, only ever him.
As much as he convinced himself he couldn’t, he has to try. He has to try, not for Taehyung, but for himself.
He whispers, “I can start now.”
Namjoon grins, “Now that’s the spirit! We should get going, I’m pretty sure the ceremony should be over by now, and I don’t think we should go back there.”
“You should go back, you didn’t storm out out of nowhere.”
“Well you see, I kinda did. When you left, everyone was kinda shocked, and my first instinct was to follow you, so I did, but I didn’t really explain why, so I think Tae might be mad at both of us.”
He stands, pulling Jimin up by the shoulders with him. Jimin wipes his cheeks gingerly before smiling back at him.
“There’s a place on the next block that serves probably the best seolleongtang in Seoul, let’s go there.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
FIVE YEARS LATER…..
“I understand that both of you prepared vows, I ask you each now to repeat them.”
What used to be a statement pulled out of Jimin’s worst nightmares suddenly is one he’s been waiting all his life for. He looks at the man standing in front of him, smiling wide and standing tall, and he realizes he no longer dreads this place, no longer dreads this position. Jimin releases a final breath, before picking out a slip of paper from his pocket. He begins reading…
“Namjoon, You make me truly understand what true love is. It’s not just endless pain and pining, but it’s the true euphoria of feeling loved back. Of feeling like it’s finally worth it, to give my heart to someone and get it back. Because of you, I know that I am deserving of love, and that there is someone out there who’s there for me. Whenever I look at the stars, at the sun, at the clouds, and at the sky, I will think of you. Whenever I look anywhere, I will always think of you. You are my everything, you are my light, and you are my boy with the universe in your eyes. You healed me, and I love you, so much. Thank you.”
He wishes he was skilled enough to personify his feelings, express his emotions, convey his affection, but the emotion he felt for Namjoon is too intense, too passionate, so much so it feels unreal. He can’t seem the find the perfect way to put it into words, and maybe he doesn’t have to; because maybe not everything needs to be outwardly expressed. Maybe just feeling, understanding, and acknowledging love is enough. It’s actually more than enough. Because feeling loved, knowing that there is someone out there who loves you, is so much more precious than 3 weightless words.
I love you.
Jimin used to utter these words to Taehyung. Jimin used to long for these 3 words to be affirmed back to him. But now he realizes, it wasn’t the words he longed for, rather it was the feeling. A feeling he may have never really felt until Namjoon, because now he truly knows that he had never really experienced love. And now that he has, he knows how beautifully precious it is, how truly impalpable it feels.
And he’s never felt better.