I made more than triple my annual salary this week. I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t matter how much I make, I will not be able to fill the hole in my chest with money. Loneliness is not curable with it. Strange, fucking strange. Meh.
Oh well, I don’t know what’s happening in my life right now. I feel really fucking alone, but I’m lying about it to everyone around me. Even to myself. Fuck. I’ve always had an idea in my mind, the idea of having everything. When someone asks me what do I want to achieve, or what do I want to have in life, I answer I always everything. Yeah. I want fucking everything. Still, I feel like I’m swimming in a pool full of dishwashing water, while thinking that it is an ocean. The path is fucking shaky before my feet, and I never know which way I should go the next day. Or the day after that. I’m a bit scared of life right now and I don’t know how to share it with anyone. To have everything, you need to feel all alone and broken at some point of your life. Two and a half years ago, when I moved to Budapest, I had -3600 Hungarian Forints on my account. I lived on my friend’s couch for over a year. Two and a half years later, I’m taking care of millions. And it fucking eats me up. I can literally buy anything I want, yet I feel like I’m poorer than dirt. The thought of losing everything and having to start over once again fucking scares me, and there is no-one I’m able to talk to about this. There are people who would listen, I just can’t share it, because I’m too proud or maybe I’m just scared of showing feelings once again. I can’t share. Not even here on Tumblr, where I shared everything about myself in the past year. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. Overall, this week is one of the best ones in 2020 so far. Things I’m not able to explain are happening around me. In the past few days, I realised, that I fucking need some kind of happiness in my life, because thinking about business and trades all the time is not healthy at all. Well, who would’ve thought, that even the Devil wishes to rest every once in a while. I just don’t know what to do or where to go next. Also, you may have noticed that I’m not making any progress in my book. Today I bought a new MacBook, partly to force myself to start writing the fucking book again, to make some fucking progress. At least a few new chapters. But words don’t come. Only this wall of text I’m writing right now. I also have some other thoughts, but I’m not able to write them down here. Fuck. I’ll just stop.
Getting my weight to a normal level and exercise - I’ve lost 12 Kilograms since I’ve made this post on February 19th. I lost 7,6 only in April and the month is not even over yet. I’m also exercising regularly. Should be done before July.
Sleeping schedule back to normal. - Due to the home office situation, my sleeping schedule normalized a little bit. Once the 3 shift nightmare is finally over, I’ll be going to bed at 10PM and will get up at 6AM every single day. But since I’m sleeping at the same time right now 90% of the nights, I’d consider this one Done.
Resign and start my own business - Done.
100 million huf in assets - If I count all the assets of my recently started business, then this goal’s done. Welcome to the 100m club. Why the fuck did I work 3 shifts for about 300k? I’ll surprise you with an answer in the following months. Yeah. Done.
No more smoking - Done.
No more sleeping pills - Done.
Get drivers license. - Coronavirus suspended this process, but I’ll get my license a soon as possible. In a normal scenario, this one should’ve been done already. Should be done before July.
Fall in love with someone permanently- No progress. I don’t think I have a heart. Haha. I know a few women I could easily fall in love with in a blink of an eye, but I don’t know why I’m not able to do it. Well, I know it actually, and since I’m nothing but honest here on my blog I’m going to write the reason down now: I’m scared. Wow. I really am scared to fall in love once again. I’m scared to give my heart to someone else. This doesn’t mean, that I’m not over the last one. No. I just laughed and deleted her number just this morning, because I didn’t realize that it’s still on my contacts list. However, I’m still in a bad place emotionally. I’m alone. Everyone hangs up on me. There might be the problem with me. As soon as open up to someone, even in a non-romantic way, they either leave me on “Read”, or just fail to return any of my feelings. People don’t give a shit about me lately and it’s strage. Well, the bottom line is, that I’m scared to open up once again. Everyone can go to Hell. Well, not to Hell, actually, because I’m already there. Fuuuuck, because of this, I believe I already lost someone who could’ve been the love of my life. Oh, well, fuck.
I also offed my Facebook account and will delete all my shit from Instagram too. So as you can see, I’m doing progress. Great progress. I set these goals back in February, but I’ve already beaten almost all of them, even though I set them up for the whole year. On July 1st, I’m going to set up new goals for the 2nd half of the year.
I’m in mood I can’t explain right now. I’ll just begin to write something, it may be unreadable, or will not make any sense. I just need to get it out right now.
The past year was really intense. It really changed in almost every possible way. My family broke apart. In July, I said goodbye to the woman I called the love of my life. In February, I said goodbye to one of my best friends. All of these were logical decisions, as these people had a really negative effect on me. However, letting them go hurt as hell, and I lost control of my emotions because of it. I wasn’t even aware of it until now. I’m in a highly sentimental mood. It’s like psychoanalysis, but I’m the one asking and answering the questions at the same time. It’s strange how a little chat with someone can open big eyes. It’s like a butterfly effect.
I completely quit smoking and quit taking sleeping pills. My power of will is just too strong, and due to this, I can’t stay addicted to anything. I’m slowly but consistently losing weight. I used the quarantine as an excuse not to go to the gym at first. Now, I decided to bring the gym home instead. I bought some super expensive gym equipment, machines and dumbbells. Thank God, that my father have a big house and I can build the living room into a gym. Yeah, I’m locked up in quarantine with my father. My mother is no longer here. I don’t think I can ever get used to the feeling that she is no longer here with us.
So about the butterfly effect. What was the cause of the change? Well.. When first posted here, I think that is where it started. Seriously, scroll back and see. I told someone that I might be able to love her. I didn’t realize that it was not true, even I believed it. One night I woke up from a strange lucid-ish dream next to her, and I realized, that I will never be able to love her the way I want to love someone. The way I loved someone else. I lied to her and I lied to myself. At the time it got to me, and I hated myself. I’m not invincible, and sometimes my feelings take over, they are leaking from behind the walls, where I had locked them long ago. I locked them there to protect myself, to protect my mind. I like to speak in metaphors. I meditate a lot. And when I say a lot I really mean it. It helps me keep my cool and lower the stress that is pressuring my shoulder every day. It also helps me in controlling my feelings, ignoring the world, letting things and people go. It really makes me sane. So, yeah, I like to speak in metaphors. When I decided to ”lock” my feelings away, put them behind a wall, and also when I decided to take the child inside me and put it into a womb is what I call becoming the Devil. It is an interesting metaphor, I believe. This is why I’m always talking about putting my devil face on. No, obviously I don’t think I’m the Devil or anything supernatural, I’m not insane, trust me, it’s only a metaphor I love to use. It would take hours to explain why I love it so much and why it is actually accurate.
So lately, my feelings are leaking from behind the walls more and more. It may be because of me losing a bit of control during the past year. But now, that I’m thinking about it, it is a good thing. Ignoring my feelings isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Feelings should always be there, and I should be the one controlling them, and not letting them take over from time to time. But sometimes they do take over. It was a mistake on my side once again, I failed to admit that sometimes I was controlled by my feelings, and I always excused and explained my acts from a logical point of view. But they were leaking. Not just leaking. I just realized that they are already here with me, and I’m not able go ignore them. They completely broke down the walls and now they are here, sitting on my shoulder, constantly whispering into my ears. I changed.
Once, I read somewhere, that change takes time, and every time we try to change we hurt one way on another. Everyday we change the world. I was relatively young when I realized this. When you kick a rock while walking on the sidewalk, you may think that it is only a rock. When you kick a rock you move it, but would you be able to move a whole mountain? It is almost incomprehensible for most of us. I like to think that I’m capeable of anything, I just need patience, will, tenacity and time. I like to think big. I like to think the biggest. To move a mountain. Wow. BIllions of years ago, the world’s shifting and moving created, moved then placed the rock you just kicked into that very spot. Once, it may have been part of a mountain. It is just one rock, it doesn’t make any difference. In order to move a mountain, you would need to take rocks from it, and bring it elsewhere. One at a time, until there is no mountain there. Until it makes a difference to anyone. You see, every day we change the world, everyday we change ourselves, but to change in a way that means anything, now that, that takes patience, effort, endurance and time. Well, more time than any of us have. Change doesn’t happen all at once. You need to understand it, and once you do, you will be able to move mountains too.
Getting my weight to a normal level and exercise - this should be easy, especially after I resigned from the 3 shift nightmare. Shiiiit, with an athletic body, I would be able to conquer the world for good. Daaamn.
Sleeping schedule back to normal - I need to resign for this one.
Resign and start my own business - close, close, close.
100 million huf in assets - this is the hardert one, I either need to get lucky, or do something really big.
No more smoking - I’m not an addict, however I do smoke occasionally. Time to quit for good.
No more sleeping pills - should be easy, I’ll just won’t take them anymore from now on.
Get drivers license - welllllll, I should’ve gotten my license about 6 years ago. This year ill definitely get it!
Fall in love with someone permanently - ahahahahhah. This might be harder than getting my net worth to 100million HUF. You know I’m a dreamer when it comes to love.
If I can achieve everything, then my goal for next year will be to be in Forbes 30 under 30. THAT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING EPIC, INNIT?
Did you know, that a few years ago Snapchat created a filter based on one of Qinni’s artwork?
Please, read the following lines if you wish to understand why she was a one of a kind legend, who travelled up to be with the stars way too soon.
I still can’t comprehend that I will never see any new artworks from her. The post below was the first of the many that got to my soul. Since then, for the last 5 years I’ve been following her journey through her toughest times.
Oh this girl had courage to face the pain and kick them diseases right in the ass. She was a fearless warrior every single one of us should learn from. It’s been 4 days and I still can’t get over the fact that she’s gone, can’t get over the fact that her short, pain and eventful journey came to an end.
She spoke to me through her art, she motivated millions of people with her story. She was the one who taught me, that no matter what the circumstances and the odds are, you need to stand up and fight for what you believe in, fight for your goals and dreams, and do what the fuck you want. Life is finite and fragile, and we shall understand this. Don’t waste your precious time on superflous things or people.
I’m so fucking sad that I didn’t have a chance to thank her, but I believe that we will meet on the other side. Where whales dwell, up in the skies. I’ll be there, even if I’ll have to dig my way up to her from hell.
I was the one who built an empire out of nothing, but blood and sand. I once saved a man’s life. I fought depression, the most enormous monster humanity has ever seen, and I left with both my sanity and my physical health. I survived a drug overdose. I set the city of Rome on fire, then watched it burn down to ashes without doing anything to prevent it. Twice. With music, drawing, dance, and mainly, with writing, I made people shed more tears than there are cities on the back of planet Earth, and at least ten times more people wept due to my actions. I fell in love with almost every woman I crossed paths with, but there was only one that I truly loved. There was only one I would have died for in any given moment, without a second thought. I have walked on paths alone under the moonlight that others fear to even think about in the daytime. I’ve seen the other side of the moon. The side that once used to be bright due to the light of the stars of mul.al.lul. I flew on the back of a Dolphin and saw our world crumble. I’ve built walls higher than the sky and thicker than the skin of God himself, then locked all my feelings behind them. Some of them still manage to escape from time to time, and when they do, hell cuts loose. They used to call me the fallen one. Some say that I am the Devil. Sure, I do have horns, but I’m still wearing my broken, black halo too. For many, I am the monster, turning emerald-like lucid dreams into terrifying nightmares. According to my visions, I will be the one responsible for the death of the last man on Earth. I will most likely be here after all things have turned into nothing, but stardust. Well, after all, I might be the Devil.
I like to think that I’m not unstable, yet I always manage to fall apart every once in a while. I believe I’m very close again. Sure, I stopped with the booze and the smoke, but I still feel incomplete, like something is missing but I can’t tell what. Sometimes, I feel like my mind is like a blank white paper, cut into 5000 different puzzle pieces. Sometimes I’m able to find a connection, sometimes I’m able to fit some pieces together. From time to time I’m even able to find a long-missing piece somewhere in the darkness, however, it is next to impossible to complete the whole puzzle. I am the prisoner of my own mind, with my thoughts being the jail guards. But how do I break out? Maybe I only need to discover a way out of this state. I need to solve the puzzle. Shit, after that, it might feel like the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Meh.
Alright. Who the fuck do I think I am, talking about a suicide, and crying about the pressure on my shoulders. This is what I signed up for when I decided that I don’t want to live a normal life. An average life with an average job, average money, a boring wife, maybe a kid or two. Work from nine to five until the age of 65, just to fulfill someone else’s dream, then retire and wait for death. Bleh, if this is my future then I’ll just slit my own throat right now.
So let’s celebrate change, with an awesome no bullshit challenge.
From today, until December 3rd, I’m going to:
* Eat healthy
* Take vitamins, morning and night.
* Meditate again, morning and night. (14 times a week, 12x10 mins and 2x30 mins)
* Drink at least 4 liters of water every day.
* Pay attention to my skincare routine, morning and night.
* Exercise every morning.
* Sleep 8 hours every day.
* Go to work by foot when it is not raining.
* Cut out toxic relationships and say goodbye to negative friends once again.
* Make valuable friends.
* Read books from the Jazz Age.
* Use even less plastic.
* Keep my environment clean.
* Smile more.
I’ll also restrict myself from:
* Hardcore partying
* Going out at nights
* Too much social media (IG, FB, Reddit, 4chan, Tumblr)
* Mindless shopping
* Food ordering
* Fast food restaurants
* Stressful, risky trades at the stock market (unless they are really juicy)
* Negative energies
* Listening to depressive trap music
I’ll write a whole essay about how it went after the month passed. I’m sure, that I will be able to keep myself to all these points effortlessly.
I don’t remember how it feels to feel. Day after day, everything is the same, like I’m on a treadmill that is spinning below me at maximum speed all the time. Get up, see the devil’s face in the mirror, stare deeply into his bitter eyes, take a deep breath, then put on a mask and start another day. Pretend to like people, play nice all day, build connections, make friends, get through the day, then go home, take a Xan at night, drink two whiskies in order to finally shut my brain down, go to bed to sleep for 2-3 hours. I already have much more money that I could spend, but I still don’t even know how to take breaks anymore. The ice under my feet is too thin to carry the weight of my sorrow, I can hear it cracking and rumbling. How long will it last? How long will I last? I thought about ending it once and for all. I saw a way out, and I pursued it for months. It changed me. I rarely felt guilt before, but now even the echoes of guilty feelings have disappeared from my head. I’m crying out your beautiful name into the wind, as it takes it and carries it into the infinite. But still, you’ll never hear it, you’ll never be here. Well, there is always someone else, but I don’t think that there is anyone good enough to replace you. When I get to the other side I’ll you send a sign, only to you. It will fly through the atmosphere in time. I don’t fear death anymore. I’m frequently thinking about suicide, but this is the first time I’m writing about it. Am I waiting for someone to save me? No, I’d never end my life because of you. There is just so much going on, and I don’t feel I can get out any other way. I’m literally in tears right now as I’m typing these lines, which is huge, because I used to think that I cried all my tears away as a child. I cried them away, so I wouldn’t be able to cry as an adult anymore. The pressure is so high, it may kill me soon anyways. The days are counting, and I can’t stand this never-ending cycle anymore. Well, I bid farewell to you. Hell awaits, calling, and the ruler, the fallen one shall return. Holy shit. What the fuck did I just put on paper? .
Holy shit. What the fuck did I just put on paper..
Last night I finally hit rock bottom. It taught me quite a few things. First, money is not everything. It is an important lesson I had to learn during the past few months. The more you make, the more you spend. The more you have, the easier it gets to ignore stuff that should not be ignored. In this case, I ignored myself. I got to a point where I can’t move forward anymore. Not with money. Second, true friends stay with you throughout the darkest nights, while you are laying on the couch, crying. Why was I crying? I don’t know. Maybe everything came together as it was needed so I would finally hit rock bottom. I felt my parents fighting inside of my mind. I could feel the anger, the intelligence and the love of my father, and the kind, calm, correct nature of my mother clashing swords, trying to tear me apart. This was one of the hardest nights of my life. I have everything yet I still feel like I have nothing. Fuck. I knew that I found the middle of the pile of fictional shit I was swimming in. The exact middle of it. This means, that it is not possible to be in a worse position. I took a deep breath and decided to go upwards from now on. Finally, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and just like a wolf when it sniffs the scent of blood, I’m going to run towards the light. No matter what - or who - comes in my way, I’m going to pursue it until I can finally feel it hugging me. Maybe this is what rock bottom does to people. After I’m out of this state of mind, I may never write again. Well, at this point I’m 99% sure that not a single soul reads these depressed fucking essays I’m squeezing out of my mind anyways. So, let’s celebrate change and let’s celebrate the coming of tomorrow. The sun will rise again in the morning. Let’s catch some light on the way out from the cold night.
I crossed the border. Wow. I could almost feel my soul transcending out of my body, into another universe. It is impossible to get used to this feeling. Strange. I arrived at an uncommon place. It was quite dark and people were levitating around me. Everything was gray, especially the streets. There was no public lighting, no moon, no stars. However, it wasn’t completely dark even without any lighting sources, it was just gray. Something was off.
-Am I really in a dream? - I asked myself, then I quickly looked at my palms.
It’s important to know, that most of the lucid dreamers know that they are dreaming because they are able to realize abnormal things in their nature. Most of them are checking their palms. During my dreams, I usually have 12-15 fingers total. Due to the fact that I usually enter the realm of dreams by will, I rarely need to find anything strange around me. I looked down, just to be sure. One, two, three, four, five… I counted my fingers in my left hand, then on the right. One, two, three, four, five.
-What the hell? - I asked loudly.
All of them were in place, in perfect shape and condition. So as my toes. I became uncertain. Rookie mistake. Suddenly, I felt the whole world gazing upon me. Someone touched my shoulder from behind. I turned around and I saw a man, most likely in his 50’s. He was screaming at me, trying to tell me something. His mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear his voice. He pointed upwards. I looked up just to notice the sun. It was faded. Its beams were quenched. I noticed something else. Little arrows were slashing through the skyline above us. Dolphins and whales. Flying above us. They were flying naturally, smoothly and elegantly. I looked back to the man next to me. He was dead. He was levitating with his eyes and mouth still open. I pushed him away and started walking forward in a straight line. Every single person was dead around me. Everyone. I was looking at the dolphins flying above me while I was trying to comprehend the situation. At least 15 of them. Fascinating. Then I snapped. I realized something. They are not flying. They are swimming. Above us. I’m underwater. Everything is underwater. How? It is what I think it is? I jumped up and started to swim towards them. Magnificent creatures. I always adored them. They were here long before humanity was around, and they will be here, long after they are gone. Finally, I managed to reach one of the dolphins.
It looked surprised.
-What happened here? -I asked.
-How are you alive? - he answered with a question.
-I’m the son of God. A fallen angel. This is my world, my stars. I’m the only one who can injure myself here. Now, please tell me what happened here.
He looked even more surprised.
-I’d rather show it to you. - he said. -Hop on my back!
So I did.
-Humanity happened. - he said as we were swimming.
-Yes, I happen to know that my father is utterly disappointed with his creation. With his little failed boardgame, called humanity. And as I can see he just let them die and rot. Finally.
I saw the remains of Prague in the distance.
-Is everything underwater? - I asked the dolphin.
-Yes. From top to bottom. Planet earth is an ocean planet. Humanity’s greatest creation. They managed to destroy it in just a few centuries. - he explained.
-Global warming was really a thing, eh? They didn’t believe and they didn’t listen. They did it for money and power, mostly. But where are they now? They managed to get to the point where they looked up to the skies and dolphins a were flying above them. Good thing they have managed to melt everything. Now the whole planet is an ocean. - I finished my sentence. I saw something under us.
We reached the city where fashion was created. Where they created scents and luxury. Paris. I saw the remains of Notre Dame. We already knew that it was not fireproof, now we know that it is not water-resistant either. We went to see the remains of the biggest cities on earth. We visited Tokyo, where the beautiful cherry blossoms used to bloom, we were in Seoul, Beijing, Bangkok, New York, San Francisco, London, Berlin, and Rome. Well, Rome has been already burnt to the ground by me some time ago, but that’s a whole another story. Everything was underwater, everything was dead and abandoned. I could feel the planet’s peace, but it was not completely perfect.
-Are there any survivors? - I asked.
-Just a bunch. They are sailing on a ship above Africa, led by someone who goes by the name the ”new Noah”.
-New Noah? Take me to him. - I answered instantly.
Did God give a way out for humanity once again? He wiped out everything, and yet again, and he was too weak to delete them once and for all. I was laughing at him shamefully. I was thinking about the last time I saw him at the gates of heaven. He was fuming and raging about humanity.
-Tell me about this new Noah.
-He believes, that he is the savior of mankind. He gathered survivors and is searching for land.
-But the planet became an ocean, didn’t it? They will not find land. And even if they do, what will they do with it?
A small boat appeared on the horizon. We were getting closer and closer.
-I’ll jump off now. Thank you for everything. - I bid my farewell to the mighty creature.
I climbed up on the side of the boat. It had a huge white sail. Approximately 150 people were on board. They were all talking about one man. A savior. The demigod who will save humanity from extinction. Noah. The new Noah. It was shameful, really. Then I saw a figure, just to realize, that Noah was a woman. She was relatively tall, with a nice confident posture, about 20 years of age. Her eyes were just as blue as the naked sky. As the wind blew her brown, curly hair, she looked like she is not from this world. She was one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever encountered.
-And you are? - she asked as she stepped towards me.
-I’d rather not say my name out loud. - I answered. -You all know it anyways.
-What brings you here, fallen one?
-A dolphin, actually. - I grinned at her. -What is this? You are supposed to be dead. All of you. What happened?
-God saved me to save mankind. To save our glorious race, I gathered every men and woman I found worthy. Only the strongest, most beautiful and most intelligent ones. What you see here is the very bests of the very bests! - she continued.
I could tell she was a maniac. I always had a thing for the crazy ones. The look in the eyes of the people watching and adoring her was fascinating.
I was thinking about humanity. The universe. The planet. About 150 of them were left alive, and the first thing they’ve done was idolizing this woman, calling her the new Noah. No. This isn’t right. But she really was lovely.
-Will you marry me, Noah? - I asked. -Your deep blue eyes are telling me that you are desperate about this kind of happiness. We could be the first married couple of the new age of men!
She was shocked.
-Yes! Yes! A hundred, a million times yes! - she screamed.
Everybody in the ship cheered and whistled.
I leaned in to kiss her.
In the very same moment, just before our lips could touch, I slid my cutlass out of my sleeve and stabbed it exactly into her heart. She was so strong, I could feel her heartbeat through the blade of the dagger for one last time before it stopped forever. She looked at me, she didn’t understand. As life disappeared from her blue eyes she fell into my arms. I slowly put her to the ground and closed her eyes.
-I’m sorry, my dear. Humanity is not allowed to exist on this planet anymore. You managed to extinct your own kind, yet you are still trying to stay alive, like cockroaches. No. I will not let you.
People were screaming and crying and running around me in shock.
I raised my right arm and I pointed at the sky. With my left arm, I made a circular motion.
-You are not allowed in this land anymore. Let the planet wipe you away!
I clenched my left fist and a storm formed above us. The wind has risen, and it created waves so big, they almost capsized the boat. I clenched my other fist that was pointing towards the sky.
-Die. - I said with cold blood.
Lightning struck the boat at least 4 times before it finally sank.
I was levitating above them as the waves ate the ship and every living soul on it. They were screaming for help, calling for God, calling for me. No one answered. After some time they stopped with the screaming and the begging. Then there was perfect silence. I could only hear the sound of the waves. The sky cleared out and the sun has shone on the water. It was full of cold corpses.
-It’s over. Now, you may rest and heal, dear Earth. - I said.
I looked up at the sky. I saw little arrows above me. Dolphins. Whales. Finally, they were flying. They were really flying in the air right above my head. It was beautiful. The virus is gone. Humanity went to battle with the planet they lived on. They only forgot to realize, that they needed the planet for their own survival, but the planet did not need them for anything. Now they are dead forever.
You found a place in my heart I didn’t know existed. You have built a garden full of flowers where only stones used to dwell. Today, it’s been a month since we met for the very last time. The air around me felt like a cage when I looked into your eyes to bid farewell. You hugged me in tears and said that ”Everything will be alright, I know it.”. I hope you are doing wonderful. I don’t miss you anymore. I only miss the person you could’ve become.
When I was a child, I spent most of the summers with my friends from across the street. To this day, they are all still very good friends of mine. We did a lot of idiotic and funny things together, we suffered injuries, and we were dirty due to playing on the street all day long. As a kid, I had a healthy amount of intelligence, and as my grandfather used to say, an unhealthy amount of curiosity. I was the kind of kid who wandered into the forest by himself for hours to finally see a wild animal. I was the kid who climbed to the top of the biggest oaks, just to check what’s inside a bird’s nest. I was always curious about my surroundings. Most of the times I made up a story I wanted to prove wrong; this way, I always had a good reason to do silly things all day long. My friends were usually with me, they either did these things with me or if they were scared, they just cheered for me.
We had a habit of not respecting the property of other people. We always needed a headquarters, a place, where we can hide or gang up together to discuss something utterly important. We usually climbed up to trees or piles of bricks. Sometimes we were sitting in huge street ditches. Since these headquarter “buildings” were on, or in front of the property of other people, they almost always sent us away after a few days. We were loud with remarkably ugly mouthes.
There was a house on our street. It had been abandoned for years, hell, maybe even decades. We were telling stories about this house, as it was some haunted manor. Once, after we got laid off of our HQ pile of bricks by the actual owner of them, we finally decided to conquer the abandoned house, and make it our real HQ building. We gathered our courage and decided to break in.
The fence and the gate have been made out of wooden planks. It was quite easy to get through them. We only realized how big it was in reality, once we were on the court. It looked like a jungle. We even found a dog family living under a bush. It is breathtakingly unbelievable how quickly nature takes back its property.
As we were slicing through the jungle, trying to follow the concrete path that was almost invisible due to the dirt, we finally noticed a terrace. The front door was open, most likely some hooligans years ago jumped the fences and took everything moveable from the house. We didn’t care about what we would find. All we needed was a place we can retreat to, where we can hide if it was necessary.
As we went through the front door, a large hallway welcomed us. At least five doors opened from it. From the outside, the house looked much, much smaller. We slowly explored it, every room, from top to bottom. We also cleared the path from the gate to the front door to make it easier for us to enter. As days went by we were slowly making the place feel like our home. We even brought some of our stuff and stored them in the house. Our bravery had zero limits.
It was August, and just like every morning, the first thing I did was visiting our HQ. I hoped to find my friends there. When I got to the house, I noticed someone. I drunk old man, with straight-lined scars on his face. As he saw me, he instantly started yelling.
-Go away, finally! Leave this place alone, fucking kids! I don’t want to see your faces around here anymore!
Well, it looked like the owner was finally there. It was an excellent run, it was awesome while it lasted. Sadly, we will need to look for a new HQ again.
I left the aluminum sword my grandfather made for me, my flashlight, knife, and even some of my clothes in the house. I wasn’t planning on giving up on them, so I used the route of the hooligans to enter the court from the backside of the property.
I found myself in the garden. The jungle was huge. As I was approaching the backside of the house, my eyes stopped for a second. I saw a stairway leading to a big metal door. Most likely, the door led to the boiler room. I quickly grabbed some of my stuff, my sword, and my flashlight, then I decided to check out the boiler room, I hoped that I may find something down there. I walked down to the metal door.
You know, sometimes the body knows when things are wrong, or going to be wrong.
Do you know the feeling when something is just not right? When you feel that things are going to be wrong? When you go left instead of right, because you got the feeling that you shouldn’t go right on that day? It didn’t work that way for me. I didn’t hear an inner voice telling me not to do it.
I turned the doorknob, but the door was stuck. I had to push it immensely hard to make it move just a little bit. As I was opening the door centimeter by centimeter, I felt chilled air escaping from the basement. I was pushing so hard my vision had gone black for a second. I heard a big click. The door unstuck, and I fell to the ground as I opened it with a loud bang.
I got up and searched for the light switch. I was surprised, due to the fact I got it on the first try. I switched it on, and the light above my head flashed for a split second, then the bulb exploded into thousands of mini pieces. My blood froze. I finally got the kind of feeling that I’m not in the right place.
I turned on my flashlight. It was interestingly dark. The only light had been coming from the entrance, where the metal door had been resting.
I looked around. The coal in the boiler was guarding the memory of long-forgotten fires. There were lots of things on the shelves, useless junk mostly. I was searching for something old, something I can take home with me. Everything was covered by at least half centimeter of dust. I slowly turned my flashlight around the room when I noticed something.
There was another door behind the boiler, made from metal. It was strange. Why would anyone put a door there? I decided to check it out, after all, it has been abandoned for years, what else could be there except dust and more junk?
The door opened quite easily. I was surprised. I found myself in a hallway. “Why would anybody put a hallway here?” I asked. The hall echoed before me. I quickly reached for the light switch on the wall. The lamps on the ceiling turned white, one by one. Some of them exploded in the same way as the one in the previous room. The hallway was quite long. At least 30 meters. I could see one door at the end.
I started walking. The air was chilled and moisty.
The pieces of the broken lightbulbs were cracking under my feet as I slowly stepped on them. When I reached the door, I noticed something strange. It was clean. The knob, the hinges. Everything was clean as a crystal. I opened it without a sound, smoothly, just like it was new.
It opened to a stairway. I was fully expecting it to go upwards, to connect with the neighbor’s basement. I was wrong. It went only down.
I started walking downwards. I still don’t know what was driving me forward that day. The stairwell was unlit, in perfect condition. It was long. Very, very long. After about five minutes of walking, I started to count the steps. After every ten steps, there was a small landing and a turn, then another set of steps. After about fifteen landings, I finally reached the bottom. I found another door.
It opened to a vast room. I reached for the switches with my left hand, but there was none. I tried my right side too, but the wall was equally smooth there too. I started to get really scared. Most probably, my curiosity stopped me from running home. I took a step forward. Then another, and another. After a few seconds, I was walking forward steadily. I was counting my steps.
The room was enormous, most likely the most significant, biggest room I have ever encountered. I noticed a small light about 50 meters ahead of me. I was walking towards it.
As I was getting closer, I was thinking about this whole situation. What is this? A storage unit? Why would anyone on Earth put a storage unit hundreds of meters underground?
The small light slowly turned into a lamp. There was a huge metal door under it, mounted on big steel hinges. It was covered with ancient burgundy writings. There was no knob on it, only a wheel lock, with a sigil in the middle.
I slowly reached towards the door, and at the very moment I touched it, the air chilled down even more. Suddenly I felt like I’m not alone anymore. I felt thousands of eyes gazing at me, I was feeling anxiety, feeling like I was in a huge crowd. I quickly turned around with my flashlight. I saw nothing but plain darkness.
I quickly grabbed the wheel lock and started turning it counter-clockwise. My heart was racing. It was cracking and thudding. As I was turning the wheel, the writings on the door were slowly fading away, until the point they were completely gone. The wheel stopped. The door was unlocked. I could feel my heart pumping in my throat.
I slowly started to open the door. It was quite heavy, I needed to use every bit of my weight and strength to open it. I heard another crack, then silence. The door opened on a draft of stinking air. It was heavily moisty and a bit musky. The smell was similar to the Cat House’s smell at the zoo where the lions and the tigers live. At the thought of them, I stepped back a bit. I shone my light into the tunnel. I saw a short hallway and a small room.
I saw bones. Lots of bones on the ground. Then I saw it. I saw a form. It was black, it sucked in the light of my flashlight. It started rushing towards me, it filled the hallway. It was laughing and speaking in a voice that sounded like mountains collapsing. I was horrified, I turned around, and I started running. I ran for about six steps when something pierced through my feet. A bone. I screamed as I fell to the ground. My flashlight fell about three meters next to me, broke and disappeared in the darkness. I felt it coming towards me. I screamed as it grabbed my arm and started dragging me with an unspeakable speed towards the middle the huge room.
I remember feathers, and wings, and jeweled fingers, and fangs. I remember the smell of something long caged. I was screaming so hard I could feel my throat starting to bleed.
After about fifteen seconds of dragging, it let my arm go and disappeared.
I was crying on the ground. Shocked. Horrified. My leg hurt so much I couldn’t get up. I was about a hundred meters deep underground. It was complete, infinite darkness around me.
I kept hearing my audience. They filled the room with thousands of whispers. I screamed and raved at them. I felt them touching my face with their moisty hands, but I couldn’t see them.
I started crawling. I finally found the doorway after hours of crawling in the crowd.
There were no lights in the stairwell.
I climbed up. Every step felt like killing me. I crawled upwards for years. When I finally got to the hallway, it was also completely dark. As I was crawling through it, the pieces of the broken lightbulbs cut my palms wide open.
When I finally staggered out to the boiling room, then to the street, there were police and ambulance all over the place. It was nighttime.
Something murdered and with the accuracy of a surgeon, tore apart and mutilated a man on the street.
It was the drunk old man. I recognized his jacket.
Moments later, people, two policemen, and the ambulance started rushing towards me. I screamed at them too.
I was shocked, dehydrated, and so tired, I could feel my soul leaving my body at any moment..
I told the police everything. When they went down to the boiler room, they didn’t find the door I was talking about. My tracks stopped at the wall. They tore the bricks apart, but there was nothing but old dirt behind it.
Seven other murders occurred in the city on that night.
I was sitting in the ambulance car in complete shock.
I just couldn’t comprehend the situation.
I was looking at my left arm where the thing grabbed it. The wounds were soo deep, I could see my very own flash and bones. The doctors couldn’t tell me what caused this damage, and why I got away with so little compared to the other people who got involved with this thing. I was the only one who knew the reason behind it.
I was marked.
Whatever I had let out, whatever had killed and eaten eight people that night, and a week later, six more, had marked me as a friend.
I just woke up from a nightmare. I’m getting thrown out of my own lucid dreams. Now, this is new. Am I losing control? I’m not able to remember the time I managed to sleep more than 3 hours at once. The most terrifying thing about these nightmares is that I know that I am in a dream, as I’m consistently searching for triggers to confirm it. The problem is, when I find one I get kicked out of the dream instantly, waking up fucking terrified, not able to fall asleep again for at least another hour. The universe I’ve been building for over a decade is rejecting me, and for the past months only nightmares have been traumatizing me. I didn’t learn how to be a lucid dreamer, it just happened spontaneously back in elementary school. Most likely due to the hardcore bullying I received throughout most of my childhood, the universe has given me a way out of my miserable life. An opportunity to be anyone I wish to be. Lucid dreams basically helped me keeping my consciousness, clear mind and confidence. Most of the people are saying that they do not remember the beginning and the ending of their dreams. It is also different for me. I know and I remember exactly when I enter the realm of dreams. I call it ”crossing the border”. My dreams are usually ending with me waking myself up. Well, ended. Looks like a wall has been built on the border of my realm and I’m not able to pierce through it anymore. Is it because of her? Is she waiting for me back in my universe? Or did she completely demolish it? Am I back in the circle once again? Maybe I was the one who built the wall, left her in there, gave her the whole of my kingdom to rule. This may explain a lot actually. Maybe I was the one who created these nightmare traps for myself, because what is - or who is - inside may hurt much more on the long run. Am I really denying myself? Is it temporary? Maybe I am changing and I shouldn’t be stressing about my dreams, maybe I just need to let them go. If my lucid dreams were the price I needed to pay for my misplaced love, then I just gave up one third of my life for someone who failed to see me in the way I really am, someone who neglected and disdained me, someone who failed to love me outside of my dreams.
I’m scared.. If you are reading this, I’m tired and terrified and alone. I don’t know what’s coming, or what to do next, all I know is that I don’t want to fall asleep, I don’t want to see the shadows in my nightmares anymore. Please, someone, help.
I just read the news that Titanic 2 is under construction, and will follow the path of the original Titanic. Shit, good fucking thing we’ve managed to melt all of our icebergs, eh?
We don’t seem to care about it until the point when we’re going to take a look at the sky just to notice something strange. Like little arrows, whales and dolphins will be flying over our heads, not caring about anything going on around them. It will feel like we are all in the same dream. Then we will look around and notice that the whole planet has became a fucking ocean, and we are standing at the very bottom of it. The whales and the dolphins will be swimming above our heads. As we start drowning we’ll finally realize what we have done. We were the virus on planet Earth. A virus that eventually cured itself. Like arrows in the sky, whales and dolphins, the smartest and most splendid creatures on the world will be swimming through the ocean planet, finally in peace, not giving a damn about our drowned, cold bodies.
We were nothing, and in the end we’ll become nothing.
A friend of mine today asked me this: “How are you so good with people?”. The secret is that I don’t give a shit about people. Deep inside I always will be the antisocial, misanthropic shithead I’ve always been, and that’s completely fine. I just need them around me, because without them I’d go completely insane. I’m like a parasite. Faking feelings, wearing a smiling mask all the fucking time. But if you take a closer look, we are living in a fake century, filled with egocentric, plastic people. Filled with brainwashing advertisements, corrupting lies and synthetic emotions. Everything is branded and trademarked. Nothing is real anymore. Not even me. On the outside at least.
Nobody, not even God can help us. Well, even if God wanted to help us I believe that he wouldn’t. Last time I saw him, he was sitting at the abandoned gates of heaven, looking down on humanity, whispering: -Look at the fucking mess they’ve made, the chaos they’ve created. Look at them, blindly jumping into their own destruction. - I could see the disappointment in his bitter eyes, only for the second time since the beginning of time. He hates us all, and will be sitting up there, watching humanity perish itself.
So, if not him then who will save us from ourselves? Have we already passed the point of no return? Global problems are slowly growing on our necks, while racism is still a fucking thing. How, how could we do this to ourselves? Is it greed? Pride? Or which one of the seven? Are we even capable of learning from our very own mistakes? Too many faces, too many questions, too simple answers. Are we even important? Are we special?
I, personally, do believe in spirit and soul, and I know that we are much more than just walking flesh and blood. But when you think about it, when you really think about it, humans are amazing. Well, minds are amazing. Look around. Everything you see came from the mind of a human being. This is unbelievable. Minds are fueled by souls, but nowadays it seems like only a small portion of people have them. I love when I can see the pureness of a soul through the eyes of someone. All the charm and hotness fade away with time, but you can never take away the real beauty of a soul, full of love and happiness. I love real people. I’m proud to say that I have quite a few of them around me, surely more than I actually deserve. Real people are next to impossible to find nowadays, especially in this world without real standards or morals. Hell, not even our morals are real anymore. Everything is fake fucking plastic, and this plastic bag over our heads will douse, then choke us to death. We are just too blind to see it yet. Fuck people, fuck society, fuck plastic. I don’t want to see a single human being for a while now. There are too many faces, I can’t cope with all the stress, the problems anymore. Too many faces. I’m fucking sick of you, humans. Just leave me alone. Until tomorrow at least.
Let me introduce you to someone. Everyone, please meet Sarah. She’s from LA and just moved to my fiction lands. She’s fucking great, so you may hear about her in the future. She will be the ultimate symbol of change. .
Changes. Changes. Changes. It’s quite weird when you realize that the person you once told everything about yourself, now has no idea about what’s going on in your life. It is important to understand, that everyone fucking leaves at some point, and you can only count on yourself in the end. I meant to write something, but I’m not able to find the words to express what I feel or what is going through my head nowadays. I might be the architect of my very own destruction.
. 190810 . @BP #power #dream #writing #drawing #art #fiction #destruction #alone #fine #left #free
Life feels like a dream nowadays. Pulling three days straight without any sleep. I know my lifestyle’s getting out of hand, still, I just want to keep going. Sometimes I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s just me, walking in complete darkness. Just take a Xan and lay down, deep breaths. It’s going to be alright. The fear of leaving everything and everyone I fight for motivates me, drives me forward, even when it feels like I’m walking straight into the void. I can feel the anger, the pain and the agony flowing through my veins deep inside. I thought you get me. You don’t. You never gave a fuck about me, and even after me realising this, I still believe that you are the one. Oh well, back in the circle once again. And again. And again. You know, just wanted to be around you while I still can. You were my only way to escape the pressure, but you never knew what it’s like for me, you got no way to measure it… I feel this pain in my chest since last November, it’s there every day, and I know that it’s bad. I know that it’s going to kill me eventually. Soon, I might fade away, just like everything else. Feelings and hopes and dreams. Nothing feels real anymore but love. In the end, we are nothing. You are nothing. I am nothing. Fuck..
The next lines are from the mind of someone who began to search for something in life and believes that he needs to write about himself just to release a bit of pressure off his shoulders. These may be the purest lines you have ever seen me write.
Like Han Solo said: “It’s true. All of it.”
Fuck. Life is strange. Sometimes you want something so bad that you forget who you really are, and then when you get it, you realize the importance of yourself. I lost “myself” somewhere on the road, maybe at a left turn. I lost “myself,” and since then, I’ve been seeking the person I used to be about a year ago.
One of my favorite psychologists once said: “If a man has lost a leg or an eye, he knows he has lost a leg or an eye; but if he has lost a self - himself - he cannot know it, because he is no longer there to know it.” - I never thought that I will become this man one day. Never thought that this could happen to me, and I could lose myself without realizing it. Unbelievable.
A lot of you may have heard of me. Lots of people envy me, some of them love me and at least twice as many hate me, and in most cases, their hate is not undeserved. If you know me, you must belong to one of these groups.
This is life. Well, at least this was life, until the point I lost that so-called “myself” somewhere in the void. I realized that my compulsion to conform, the thing that almost made me scratch the wall sometimes, is the very same thing that is poisoning me and everyone in my nature. The biggest problem with this is that I don’t want to meet the expectations of anyone but myself. My maximalism and my fear of mediocrity are turning me into something I hate with my guts. But why? Why is that I don’t have any dreams, I only set goals, and when I reach them I don’t pat myself on the back, I don’t celebrate, I just set a new, greater, bigger one?
What happened to the human inside of me during the past year? I always believed that I only have one love in this life, I love only one thing and that thing would be money. I always believed that money will make me happy in the long run. I used to joke with it lots of times and said that I don’t need friends since I’m already good pals with dead kings, presidents, and governors. Most likely, I will be a billionaire by the age of 30, but I couldn’t care less about it anymore. Moreover, I’m starting to believe that money will put me to the grave sooner or later just after it has eaten and spat my soul out in the sand.
They used to know me as the man who can do anything in life. The hedonist who does nothing but living his best life, never complains about the world, politics, weather. Now I became the exact opposite of this man.
And now I’m here. Waking up at noon, lighting up a cigarette, taking a sip from the bottle of whiskey on my nightstand, just before I lay back to bed to watch the woman sleeping next to me. The woman I fell in love with last night, before everything turned black. I don’t even remember her name. Fuck. Fascinating creatures.
I pick my phone up, then I put it back without checking it because I know what is waiting for me on the screen. Worrying texts and missed calls from loved ones and friends I ignored the whole night, just like I did all the other nights before. I don’t want to listen to another lecture. The very same speech all the fucking time. Everyone says that I’m unique, I have to create something big. That I will go further than I could ever imagine, I could be a hero of our time. Well, I might be a hero someday, but right now, I just feel lost, I failed, and I’ve had enough of their expectations. I only want to comply with myself. At least I don’t have to feel anything this way. I will make my comeback for sure. Well, I may die before this could happen, but you know, hope only dies when I do.
Still suffering the effects of the poison. I can feel it in my veins, driving my mind and my soul crazy. Still in the shameful state of mind. I still don’t see the ending due to the fog. The fog is all I got after you left, after you went out with a real bang. Some call it the fog of love, some say that it is pink. I can’t see it that way. In my eyes, it’s color is dark gray, and I would rather call it the fog of hopelessness. At least for now. Is it hopeless? Am I not enough, or am I just too much? I miss that you showed me, that I’m not the awful monster they used to call me when I was a child. I’m not the awful human being my mind has created back when I was a kid, only to protect me from everything, to protect me from reality, to form a womb outside me and don’t let anything touch my pure soul anymore. I swear, at some point, I actually believed that I’m the devil. And then you just came smoothly, like a knife in the butter, cut the womb wide open, exposed me, exposed my soul and let dirt of the world pour into it. I should’ve felt like crying, but I didn’t. There was something in the flowing dirt. Something beautiful. It calmed me inside, calmed down the screaming child inside of me. Then you left, leaving my child soul behind with nothing but the never-ending fog. Now I don’t know which way to go, I don’t know where to start or when it is going to be over. But at least I’m free.
Well, one day you are at the top, the other day you suck. That’s life. What is all the money worth without love? Strange, how feelings can almost destroy a human being. The kind of feelings that should have never even existed in the first place, yet they’re still putting you in a shameful state of mind, in so much agony, that no one else in the universe is able to feel. Funny, how many times a person can chew himself over the same story, running the same unnecessary, superfluous circles again and again and again… and now again. The earth is shaking under the the weight of my tears, and with every drop you get further and further away. Am I dreaming again or is this reality? I feel like I’m only alive while you are here. Toxins. Everything is due to the toxins I’m swallowing and blowing into my system just to make you disappear. This means that you are the real poison. You, you and you. Just say that it is not over, say that it has not yet faded away. Or whatever, just say something. Why is that while you are disdaining me I would die a thousand deaths just to make you smile once again? Why is that you have never been the person I used to see in you, and yet you are The everything? Why I can’t ever block you or put you behind walls, and even when I manage to do it you just simply destroy them with a gaze of your eyes. Why can’t I resist? Toxins. I must have them. I want to fly, fly and fly forever. You can’t win, you can’t beat me. No one can beat me. I’d rather die, but I’ll never let you win. Well, I might not be here when you change your mind. Still.. Still, when your waves will be crashing on the shores of my dreams, and you dip your feet in their cold waters, I will be standing there, right in front of you and I’ll whisper: ”Ive been waiting for you, and I would’ve waited forever. Now come, come with me, let’s be one and write our fates over with the onyx pen of destiny. Let’s dance at the edge of the endless sea, not giving a damn about the world, looks, age or sadness. In our lucid dreams, where we are flying through the skies above, stealing away the shine of the stars, swallowing the moon, the sun, there, we could be the whole universe. Just you and I.”
When I crossed the border she was already there waiting for me, sitting on the green grass with a giant sword laying next to her.
-Why are you always here? - I asked.
-This is my world, my universe. Why am I not allowed to be so selfish here and make you disappear!?
She was sitting in complete silence, staring at me so strongly I could almost see the pureness of her soul through her big brown eyes.
-Just go away. Please. I don’t want you to be here anymore. In fact, I never wanted you to invade my universe. Please, just disappear already.
She made me feel like I’m swimming in her eyes.
-Why don’t you fear me? Do you want to see the devil’s face? Do you want me to go that far once again, just to prove my point?
Still no answer. I could feel her gaze piercing right through all the layers of masks I’ve been wearing or mind games I’ve been playing for years.
-Alright. If you don’t feel like leaving, I’ll have to kill you. - I said.
I was clutching a razor blade in my left hand the whole time. The very same blade I used to cut my arms open with every time she has driven me crazy before. The truth is, that I’d rather use the blade to slit my own throat than to hurt her in any way possible. I just couldn’t do it. I tried before so many times I lost count god knows when.
-Fine. I’ll stop. This is the real me right now.
She smiled. I knew she liked to see me when I let go of the character I created for myself, and instead of it, there was the real me. As my camouflage disappeared I felt the anxiety fading away too. Normally I’d cry out loud and run and hide and scream and fight until I can get my disguise back on me. Not this time. I felt like a child. I could feel the weight of the world that was resting on my shoulders for a long time going away. It was… relaxing.
-I apologize for being rude to you again. Sometimes I just can’t control it. - This was the real me. I felt weird for not feeling weird in my very own skin.
-Let’s go then. Is there anything you wish to see today? The mountains maybe? The path that is only visible in the moonlight? Should we visit the shadows? They might want to take revenge on us for the rampage we had on them last year, don’t you think?
I don’t know why I was asking these questions. She always seemed like she can’t even decide which sock to wear in the morning. It was a unique trait of her, and I loved it. I don’t know why, but it made her very special. Well, special to me, at least.
-Let’s see the capital! - I said with pure confidence.
I built that city just for her. I placed her in a random spot and left her there, hoping that she would disappear in the crowd forever. I failed.
-Come! - I grabbed her hand as she was standing up. -This way, please.
I jumped up and pulled her up in the air with me.
-You can almost see the city from here! Look around, the sun is going down. It’s beautiful!
I love to see big, open spaces from above. They are fascinating. It was all mine to explore. Ours.
-You know, it feels weird that you are still visiting me after all this time. I started to build this place when I was a child. I was all alone since the beginning. This was the place I could always run away to. - I stopped for a second.
-Funny, but I’ve never been lonely here. Now, it is very hard to imagine this place without you. You are like my guardian angel, especially now that you are carrying that sword. I’m always choking on my pride and try to make you feel like you are not welcome here, but you most certainly are. I love the feeling that I can be myself next to someone. I just need time to get to the point where I can step out of my dark side. It’s you who is guiding me, you are the only one I can be completely honest within any given situation. You are my light.
As we were flying through the skies, getting closer to our destination I stopped with my monologue and enjoyed the situation we were in. The feeling of the fresh cold air on my skin, the view, the stars, the full moon.
-Everything will be gray and boring without you. I don’t know if I’ll be able to live here all alone when you’ll be gone.
We arrived in the city. The timing was perfect because I started to get depressed. It is always tricky here because of the shadows. I haven’t seen them since she came here and made them disappear on our first trip.
-You hungry? - I asked. -Chinese? Let’s grab some.
I’ve never actually eaten anything here before she arrived. Since then I might have put on some weight. I felt shameful sometimes due to the fact that she could eat twice as much as I could.
-You look happy. I miss your voice though. You haven’t said a word for almost a month now. As much as I like giving monologues, it would be awesome if you would talk to me again. I don’t want to rush you or anything, I just love to hear your voice, that’s all.
She gave me the typical ”alright, understood” look, then smiled.
-Let’s go to the restaurant at the top of the main tower. This time we are going on foot. You know, the amazing thing about this place, that you may have as many supernatural traits as you want, and due to this, you don’t want to use them all the time. You don’t want to use them at all. Also, disturbing the natural habitat of the world can bring chaos upon our necks. Let’s just wait in the line, 5 minutes and we will be at the top anyways.
As we were waiting people were surrounding us. Normal people. In a normal line. I loved the fact that there was no sci-fi stuff going on in this part of the world.
We ordered. Well, I was the one who chose the food.
While ordering an idea flashed up in my mind.
-Please pack it, we are eating elsewhere. - I informed the waiter.
She looked confused. The top of the tower was one of our special places, why would we go elsewhere?
-Don’t look at me this way, I’m going to show you something you might have forgotten about. I don’t like it when you forget who I am, and what you actually mean to me. I don’t like it when you are not talking to me, and you don’t even tell me the reason behind it.
Now she seemed a little pissed.
-Just come with me. We are going to the Moon. I want to show you something. You can eat there.
The stars were beautiful that night. They always felt like they were aligned all the time when she was there.
I snapped, and we instantly arrived at the Moon. Superpowers. As many as you want.
-You know, I don’t fear the dark since your arrival. The devil never comes out, it feels like the shadows are gone forever. You know why that is? Not because you scare them off with that giant sword you’ve been carrying around for weeks without any actual reason. No.
You see, the stars look beautiful, especially from here. But I don’t really care about their brightness. You. You are the one stealing the show. We are on the Moon, dear. Do you want to see the other side of it? I’ll just show you how much you actually mean to me. Let’s walk to the other side.
She nodded as I finished my monologue.
As we were walking I’ve experienced huge amounts of flashbacks from our trips. Something was scratching my mind, but I couldn’t tell what it was.
-Can you see Earth from here? We’re already on the other side. This is the dark side of the Moon. It’s all bright, isn’t it? It’s you. When you are here, there is no such thing like darkness here. When you are here, there is no dark side of the Moon. This is how much you mean to me.
Silence. Frozen, deafening silence. I was waiting for a reaction, a sign, something. I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them again I couldn’t see anything, but plain darkness. She was gone, and with her, the light of the stars was gone too. It was just me, standing in the void by myself, without my masks, my devil face. All exposed. Alone. I knew that this moment would come eventually. I could feel the shadows creeping up on me, they were coming for me again, but this time I knew that it will be much worse than before. I danced on the edge of the blade for too long. I slipped and I fell down.
The razor was still in my hand.
-Should I? - I asked myself.
All I can remember is the scent of blood and the sound of the blade cutting through the flesh. It was always in my hand for a reason.
-Rome is burning. - He took a sip, kept his eyes on the flames. -It’s burning again, but why wouldn’t it burn? Just like last time, he was the one who set it on fire.
He was thinking about the past and the future. He just didn’t care about the present. It’s too close and everything is burning at a high heat anyways. Was he born too soon or too late? He missed the great wars, missed the real hippies of the 60’s, the punks of the 70’s and the music from the 80-90’s. Was he born too late? Basically his consciousness awakened during the end of the 2000’s, at the time of the economic crisis, when the world took a weird shift in a data centered direction. He’s not insane, the world is. Is it? No. Neither of them are. Different ages, different people. Adapt, overcome, survive. He wouldn’t go back in time even if he could. Oh well, actually he would go 3-4 months back just to look for his heart, because he might have lost it somewhere around that time. Yeah, this might be he reason of the whole situation that is happening right now. He was always against having and showing feelings, but not against using them. Feelings are the greatest weapons in the world, expose yours to someone and you give them every tool to destroy you. To gain power, you must understand this to the core. How ironic, this time he fell into his own sword. Fuck. He was shamefully laughing at himself. He had to pay a big price for misplacing his trust. At least he has goals. Big ones. He always had goals and he always kept focusing on them. There were detours. Little “detours”. Wow, how could such a little human being cause so much misery to him? He’ll never know the answer. It’s a special case, an isolated one.
He took another sip then laid back, let the thoughts go and kept his eyes on the flames, waiting for everything to turn to cold ashes. Rome is burning and there is nothing left to do but to watch it go down once again.