Could someone tell my why the FUCk we’re getting a video game called ‘Lord of the Rings: Gollum’ Gollum? Gollum??? You wanna play as Gollum!!?? fucking GOLLUM??? I don’t care how much you love Gollum as a character, does that mean you wanna play as him snatching babies from cribs and eating raw fish for 8 hours?? Are you SURE??
it is a beautiful day in the misty mountains and you are a horrible gollum
…. ok I’ve changed my mind, game of the year 2021
oh and since I’m acknowledging how young you all are: never ever ever ever ever ever under any circumstances alter your educational decisions for a boy
Even if it’s your father.
Especially if it’s your father.
one of my favorite lotr facts is that gondorians speak sindarin as a first language and yet when faramir was talking to frodo and sam about cirith ungol he was like “we don’t know what’s in there.” like faramir. cirith ungol is sindarin for “pass of the spider.” do the math
some of my favorite tags on this post
Don’t forget that Frodo also speaks Sindarin, which makes this even worse.
Faramir: Hey, don’t go up the Spider Stairs.
Frodo: Why? What’s up the Spider Stairs?
Faramir: We don’t know, Frodo. We just don’t know.
to be fair, you’d assume the name means “there’s a lot of spiders here,” not, “there is one spider the size of a draft horse here.” so you go up expecting to have to shoo a lot of skeeter eaters out of your tent, and instead you have to figure out how to rope and shoe godzillarantula.
They do live in a world where godzillarantulas feature prominently in mythology and history (Ungoliant plunged the world into darkness, scared the crap out of Sauron’s old boss, etc) and existed within the last century in Mirkwood. Assuming they ever talk to anyone who’s been to Mirkwood. They… probably know they were giant spiders in Mirkwood pretty recently? It’s hard to figure out how much anyone in Middle-earth has been talking to anyone else when we didn’t actually see it.
On the other hand – what if it’s the giant evil spiders’ prominence in history/mythology that’s causing trouble? What if lots of evil/nasty things/places get called “spider” just to indicate how nasty and evil they are, rather than any association with literal spiders, and it’s just… overloaded? Maybe the bad part of town in Minas Tirith is the Spider District. Maybe every tavern trying to be edgy calls itself the Spiderweb.
Actually spider/Ungoliant references could be really appealing to Gondorians trying to be edgy. They’re dark and evil! Plunged the world into darkness! But they AREN’T involved in the war they’re actually fighting, they aren’t directly associated with Sauron at all, so getting too interested in them would be creepy without being potentially treasonous. Because no one’s ACTUALLY going to worship those dangerous but not epic spiders up in Mirkwood, and no one’s heard anything from any proper spawn of Ungoliant in ages and ages.
In fact, spider/Ungoliant references might be appealing to ORCS trying to express that something is nasty and creepy! Nobody likes Ungoliant.
Maybe Faramir’s been to fourteen different Spider Caves across Ithilien, and half of them he didn’t even see regular spiders in, they’re just dark and damp and may have had orcs at some point, or something, and at some point in history someone got spooked. So you know, it’s POSSIBLE Spider Pass has something to do with spiders? But really it just means people don’t like it.
(The problem with this theory is we never actually SAW anyone overusing spider references. But it’s plausible they would!)
“The average spider on Middle Earth is the size of a dinner plate” is a statistical error. The average spider on Middle Earth is smaller than a coin. Cirith Ungol (lit: Spiders Gorge), which contains a spider larger than a horse, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.
OH MY GOD
I was waiting for the Spiders George reference
“I wonder why it’s called ‘’The Spider’s Pass’‘. I expected it to be more octagonal. Like a spider. Oh, well, I guess they misnamed it.”
im going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they thought ‘the spiders stair’ meant ‘its a bitch to climb if you arent a goat’ and not ‘warning- ungoliants‘
their whole world is full of issues like this- every third place has a spooky ass name that you arent sure if its a euphemism, accurate, or was accurate 3000 years ago. nobody realizes ‘fangorn forest’ means ‘theres a tree named fangorn who lives here, its his forest, he likes poetry’, nobody realizes ‘the barrow downs’ should be warning you that anything is particular noteworthy about the barrows it just says they exist, im not even sure the ‘blue mountains’ are even blue
I mean sure but also we don’t need to WONDER if Frodo (and incidentally also Sam, although I don’t think he knows Sindarin so he wouldn’t have known it was relevant, but he would have had the same context as Frodo) knows about the big spiders in mirkwood, because THEY ARE IN BILBO’S BOOK WHICH HE HAS READ
literally Spiders Gorge
“I once asked my friends if they’d ever held things that gave them a spooky sense of history. Ancient pots with three-thousand-year-old thumbprints in the clay, said one. Antique keys, another. Clay pipes. Dancing shoes from WWII. Roman coins I found in a field. Old bus tickets in second-hand books. Everyone agreed that what these small things did was strangely intimate; they gave them the sense, as they picked them up and turned them in their fingers, of another person, an unknown person a long time ago, who had held that object in their hands. You don’t know anything about them, but you feel the other person’s there, one friend told me. It’s like all the years between you and them disappear. Like you become them, somehow.”
— Helen Macdonald, H is For Hawk (via existential-celestial )
The worse the explanation, the better.
carpenter establishes communism via dragons
Isn’t that just the bible?
Some little kid moves to town and has to fight a fungus monster being worshipped by a 200 yeat old cult.
That TV show you like? Mine now.
So know one told you life was gonna be this gay.
Time traveler tries to make sure her mums hook up
Giving fanfiction writers bad AU ideas since 2019
Sith Lady and Jedi Lady gazing into each other’s eyes for a year and a half.
A nurse sells his hand in marriage to a rich asshole that tried to murder him and his friends when they were teenagers because of student loan debt.
Big crime in a small town is making it really hard for the only two dudes who went to college to bone down on each other.
Nothing exists, god is dead, and everything is gay.
Two princess’ inability to communicate ushers in an arcane apocalypse, but wedding plans continue.
Gays in New York were sad, but aren’t anymore cause they banged.
3 dudes and 4 chicks decide to play with weapons and eachothers insecurities
Woman who hates rich people becomes best friends with walking bank account; Hijinks and mental illness ensue.
Zombie solves her own murder with the help of some locals and a displaced demigod.
Lol which one? Ok excluding fanfics, there’s three:
Local child yanks demon out of prison to get back at bullies; in exchange he will help prove demons innocence
Local trans werewolf police man must solve a series of murders while keeping his new human partner from finding out about the paranormal
Local trans dude lives totally normal life in a world of superheroes until he finds a magic book and becomes a bad ass red riding hood
PenPals -turned-Roommates must get rid of the extremely judgmental ghosts haunting the Castle before they can decide if they want to elope together.
Coffee NB is too gay for a short butch bike lady
dolphinman, his slimy friend, and their fancy TV lady save the world through the power of networking, friendship, and being curious about stuff
In a shocking twist, there were actually TWO beds!
There is no problem you can’t fix by being a complete dumpster fire.
@deadcatwithaflamethrower okay, but which project is that? Or is it, in fact, all of them? :D
It could be for Juxtapositions or it could be for everything ever?
For original fic
1. Tall lesbian enables Smol lesbian to commit crime
2. Librarian saved someone who decided to make it his problem instead of saying thanks like a normal person
Traumatised children say fuck you to their shitty parents
beauty and the beast but there’s lesbians and zombies
All the weird misinterpretations and revisions of Russian history aside, Anastasia is one of my favourite movies because its plot structure is so fucking weird
It’s a period piece romance. That’s cool, that’s all well and good, except that on the sidelines there’s an undead warlock who’s trying so hard to kill the protagonist, but all in ways that the protagonist either doesn’t notice or doesn’t accept as supernatural
And it isn’t a twist! The audience knows about the warlock! The warlock has a villain song! The warlock is one of the principal characters! But the protagonist spends 95% of the movie completely unaware of the warlock, and just spends the entirety of the movie doing period piece romance things while being repeatedly inconvenienced by the warlock until the climax, when the protagonist has to very suddenly
- Acknowledge the existence of the warlock
- Acknowledge the existence of the supernatural
- See some real-ass goddamn magic
- Kill the warlock
I have never seen a movie with a plot structure like this before, and I don’t think I’ll see one like it ever again. It’s like an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice that turns Lady Catherine into a vampire who’s just repeatedly trying to drink Lizzy’s blood, but Lizzy doesn’t even notice until the climax whereupon she stuffs Lady Catherine’s mouth with garlic and cuts off her head (an adaptation I would kill to see, by the way). There are two completely different genres playing out at the same time, and one of them is trying to kill the other
Anyways that’s why the stage musical is bad, thank you and good night
The only thing I’m adding to this is that Disney’s Hercules has almost the same hero-villain dynamic in that the protagonist and antagonist think they are the heroes of two wildly different stories, and the protagonist doesn’t really know the antagonist exists until the endgame starts. It’s so fucking bizarre. They also both came out in 1997, and feature a red-headed protagonist who starts the story trying to find out who their parents are and falls in love with a shady brunette with dubious intentions who winds up trying to sacrifice themselves so the protagonist can live/be happy. I dunno what this means, but coincidence? I think NOT!
I thought about that? And honestly I’m willing to give Hercules a pass because at least the villain plot and the hero plot are thematically similar (mytho-comedy-superhero movie), while the two halves of Anastasia are so dissimilar (musical period piece romance/dark fantasy horror with Lovecraftian elements)
But! To continue from your point, 1997 also saw the release of The Fifth Element, a movie where the protagonist and the antagonist never meet and neither of them know about the other’s existence, and also features a red-headed protagonist who falls in love with a shady brunette with dubious intentions. How deep does this rabbit hole go
A breakdown of medieval armor, since a lot of pieces are required to create a full suit.
For all of use writing medieval historical fiction/fantasy/fight scenes with armor/etc
Watch me steppin our in nothing but poldrons, gauntlets, a tassit, and some greaves
high fantasy writers should stop ripping off all their inspiration from tolkien and start taking notes from little girls’ imaginary schoolgames
every fantasy fiction writer wants what a 5 year old girl brandishing a muddy stick like it’s a sword and screaming in a language she made up herself has
I enjoy that Breath of the Wild has a thermometer because it allows me to know with precision that I’m making Link walk through -17 degree farenheit weather just so if I can see if there’s anything on the top of the mountain. There was not. I also enjoy that Zelda pops into my head to tell me whenever the blood moon arrives because it shows that she can contact me, she is aware of the passage of time, and she would like to inform Link that another month has passed, should Link care to come down from the mountain and please kill Ganon at some point.
Zelda holding back Ganon by sheer willpower alone, watching as Link elsewhere in the world dies after flying off a cliff while he was trying to pop a wheelie on his magic motorcycle as he murdered mountain goats for meat he didn’t need
i KNOW the sleep tips, google. trust me, i know about the darkness and the light and evil screens and exercise and meditation and not napping. i know “”“how”“” to sleep. what i need you to tell me is how to convince my fuckass adhd brain that i need to give up on doing things for the day and that the hours between midnight and five a.m. are NOT secret free extra time that no one will notice if i steal
This made me laugh really hard. It deserved a comic. 😆
I wonder if multilingual dnd characters work like multilingual people irl
Character 1: hey can you pass me the (demonic screeching)
Character 2: (visibly disturbed)
Character 1: (takes mundane object out of character 2s hands) sorry I forgot the word for it in common…
posting on tumblr these days feels like yelling to the sky in a vast desert, anyone out there?? how yall doing??
Hello there. Spare me a swig from your canteen? It’s been days since I’ve seen water or another human. We must stick together now, lest we both die alone in this wretched wasteland.
ah, fair companion………..t’would be an honor………………
the true plot twist of gravity falls is that stanley is the smart twin and ford is the biggest dumbass in 52 dimensions
Stan: I’ve run a very successful business for thirty years while rebuilding a portal with one third of the blueprints and no help from a demon.
Ford: It says not to summon him but he called me smart so he can’t be that evil
The sound of laughter drifted up from the street below, making her feel very alone. Li Qin considered, and not for the first time, the validity of moving to a community where she didn’t know anyone–and where no one knew her, no one would ask her in passing where January was, no one would bring her homemade muffins and tell her how sorry they were for her loss.
This was a human neighborhood, a human community; none of these people had expected, ever, to have more than fifty years with their partners, if they even got that long. None of them had been expecting eternity.
Well, she had. And it was unfair in every way that she wasn’t going to get it.
Concept: fairy tale where the wicked step-parent (who is of course also some sort of warlock) transforms the princess into a swan, as one does, but rather than running off to mope around in a lake and be beautifully tragic, the princess decides to stick around the palace and cause problems on purpose.
It is a beautiful day in the palace, and you are a horrible swan princess.
Task 1: You are being kept in a lake on the palace grounds. Encourage the other nobles enjoying these same palace grounds to let your captor know that this was a bad idea.
Task 2: You are now being kept in the dungeons. While a situation much more befitting your status and abilities, it’s cramping your style a bit by preventing you from biting your captor in the ass. Break out of the dungeon, making it unfit for use as a dungeon on your way out.
Task 3: You have escaped into the kitchens, and the servants are preparing a feast for the ball tonight. You don’t think there needs to be a feast tonight, do you?
Task 4: You have gotten upstairs to where the bedchambers are; there are many guests staying here, and they all have so many lovely things. Back when you were a princess you often wished to shred uncomfortable dresses, throw pinchy shoes down the privy, and borrow jewels that weren’t your own. Have fun now.
Task 5: You’ve found your captor’s secret chambers with all his magic stuff. Somewhere in here is a spell that will let you change from swan to human at will. While you’re finding that, there’s a whole lot of other stuff here that could be fucked up, with entertaining results.
Task 6: Your captor is holding a ball where your beloved is going to be stolen from you. You don’t see any reason for this ball to proceed as planned, do you? Look at all the pretty candles and all this nice flammable shit, for starters. Also, bite your captor in the ass.
Bonus: The ballroom is filled with people of all appearances, races, shapes, sizes, types. Nobody is identified except the wicked sorcerer. You can choose anyone to be your beloved, and declaring your love to them will open the royal wedding end scene.
Double Bonus: If somebody objects at your wedding, you can turn into a swan and melee-fight their ass right there in the aisle. You can then turn human again and strut your ass back to your beloved, who is in utter awe of your shapeshifting and ass-kicking abilities alike.