It’s been more than a month. Surprisingly, I started laughing sooner than expected. Life goes on.
It has to, but everytime I think back, it hurts as if she had passed all over again. School is over, growing up is more important now than ever. But everytime adults do adult things, anxiety is the only feeling I get. At all. When I told someone who called me a “young woman” that I managed to fuck up pasta, could not pay taxes, never made a deposit and I wasn’t even legal yet, in terms of not being 18, I realized how helpless I was. That’s why their reply pulled me back to the ground:
“We all have that.” Wow. Someone else once expressed experiencing those sentiments of failure and hopelessness after rather small incidents rocking one’s world with a more sarcastic take and said “If you have those things, Congratulations, you’re a human being!”. I was set back for a bit, because I realized I got all caught up in self pity when basically everyone has gone through what I felt or is going through it still. I am a cancer (star sign) and always thought the loving, caring traits cancers are said to be having applied to me, as am rather shy and identified as the “mom” of the group, loved giving gifts and sharing my food etc. This however made me feel really bad for tuning out other people and their problems, which are apparenty often similar to mine, if not the same and often times way worse. So, I just needed someone to put things into perspective with me. This should not tell you that your issues aren’t valid because someone else experiences them or even worse. This is to tell you that you are not alone in how you are feeling (as one of my favourite bands “The Maine” expressed in their song “How do you feel” - big recommendation). I tend to be really hard on myself for not being able to get my shit together ad solve even the tiniest of mmy problems. Instead, I wallow in self pity for hours, cry locked away in my room and wonder why I am so lonely when I push everyone away. I think we all need to be less hard on ourselves and not define our well being by success and work we’ve done so much, mostly not in comparison to what others our age or even younger have achieved. We are not them, they are not us, and that’s just right. The world would be unbearable with more than one Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift in it (no offense, they are incredible artists), so don’t worry about them. Or about your high school mates who seem to be so much more successful than you. Take your time, don’t be hard on yourself, appreciate what you got and strive for what’s still to come. Tell your people you love them and make someone smile today.
Trust me, I’m tired of hearing successful people saying things exactly like the ones above because it makes me feel even worse. So maybe you can take it from me, a high school graduate without a plan what to do with her life, dodging her driver’s license for months now, sitting in her room anxiously 24/7, sleeping more than the recommended seven to nine hours and an unhealthy amount of celebrity crushes: I’m not there yet either and even when I say this, I have trouble believing it, but I can and do believe in others and other people’s dreams, so please, if you feel the same and can’t believe in yourself, try to believe in me. Because one to believe is a start, and there are so many more to come (hopefully, lol).