Feeling pretty down and trying to figure out the best way forward
I’m sad, really sad and have been for such a long time, I’m a little brighter than I have been but I’m not ok. I’m trying my best to be positive around others and distract myself as I know everyone’s struggling, but it doesn’t stop it lingering in the background. It reminds me of grief, only I’m not grieving a death and I have no right to feel this way. Then there’s the nightmares, unwanted memories shooting through my mind, with my senses on overdrive reminding me of the things I just want to forget. I’m so tired.
Uncertainty is one of my biggest triggers and not eating became a simple answer in a world full of unanswerable questions. Being physically smaller bought a quiet, calming simplicity in an unpredictable world and I admit, as wrong as it may be, I miss that. The focus from me was lifted and being smaller provided my mind to dull down the painful situations I blocked out as well as giving a distraction to my failings (for a while anyway). I always wanted to feel like I had no needs and wanted to take back the control others once had over me, but I guess they still do.
It’s not so much others being physically smaller or wanting validation of my ED (even at my lowest, I always saw others needing/ deserving support more) that I find difficult, it’s having to eat so much more, while seeing/ hearing others using behaviours I’m struggling not to do myself (i.e. restricting/ over-exercising). With here being so chaotic and intense, it makes me very on edge.
In Glasgow when others were more poorly and needing support, I was able to go unnoticed, come/ go as I pleased and go back into behaviours to help myself feel safer. Here, I’m not able to and I’m really struggling with the constant panic I feel. Living with others causes me a lot of anxiety as I feel like I have to keep my guard up, kind of like I’m walking on eggshells, like I used to.
I’m just trying to keep my head down and focus on the challenge infront of me, but it’s hard, really hard and it’s not getting easier. It’s hard not getting a break from it and being in an environment where we’re all struggling. I miss my friends/ family where ED behaviours aren’t normal, and I can relax better, and just be myself without the constant fear.
I don’t feel safe enough to talk through what I need to, I want to and know I need to, but fear grips me, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m wondering if doing therapy away from here would help me open up better as it would be in a completely different environment and away from what I currently see as home.
I just want to be able to relax, close my eyes and feel safe.