“You have no idea how much I want to hurt myself right now and I promise you don’t want to know what’s going through my mind.”
— If you knew what I was thinking the cuts would be nothing
i thought you were my best friend but i guess i was wrong. sorry
i know he’s coming back.
he has to because we’re meant to be together. so many random instances and so many crazy coincidences have lead to this moment and i don’t believe we’re over. he’s coming back. even if it’s just as a friend he’s coming back.
you want the truth so here it is.
i don’t want to be your friend. i cant stand the idea of being your friend when every time i look at you i see someone i love. the way your teeth show when you laugh a real genuine laugh, or the way you show me your favorite videos because you know i’ll love them almost as much as you do, or the way that you look at me while you’re driving. the idea of being your friend hasn’t ever crossed my mind because how could i be your friend when you’re my soulmate. the person i crave for at night or in my darkest hour. the one person i thought i could actually have forever with no consequences. the way i loved you was beyond my own understanding and yet you understood it to well. i can’t explain to you the way it hurts when you tell me you just want to be friends because it was too rushed. somewhere in my mind i thought that being more vulnerable with you could lead to a future for both of us but i guess i was wrong. for that i’m sorry, but in no world can you ever ask me to be your friends without my heart breaking into small tiny pieces you can’t even hold in your hand.
when you stopped talking to me my heart broke, but it broke in a way that can be put together. when you told me you lost feelings and you just want to be friends is the moment it shattered. it shattered into pieces that i nor you could ever put back together. inside my chest is a galaxy of glass shards that can’t ever be fixed. and day by day i have to learn to live with that hurt and excruciating pain that you chose to put me through. and i know that i say i don’t blame you. and on some levels i don’t because i’m human and i understand that life and circumstances happen, but on the vulnerable level of myself that has only been visible to you you are at fault in every way there can be to be at fault. you were my everything and suddenly the world was just a little bit brighter during the day. but now you’re gone and all i can say is that i will never stop wanting you. forget me and i’ll try to forget you. but i’m sorry i can’t be the one you need.
it’s like i’m underwater fighting for air that never seems to come. and i’m screaming for help and i’m yelling to my friends and family on the beach but they just don’t seem to hear me. and i’ve realized why i like night. it’s not because it’s dark like my head or because it’s a good place for me to be. but rather because it’s comfortable. between my four walls there is no expectations, no words, nothing but the silence that i so desperately crave during the day. sometimes when i’m around people i feel like i can’t breathe and i don’t know what’s going to happen if i don’t gasp for air. but a small part of me feels like i want to know. because maybe in the end i will find comfort much like i do at night and between my four empty walls
i’m on vacation right now and i should be so excited and so happy to be here but i’m not. i love my family and i love this trip and i am so grateful for it but i just can’t get the sinking feeling out my stomach and i can’t seem to stop the sadness that is overtaking my body. it’s like i can’t breathe and i’m waiting for someone to notice but no one does. it didn’t even hit me at first. when we first got here i was excited and ready for this super fun trip but in the car it all just came over me. my social battery shut off and all i wanted to to was go lay in my bed and not be around anyone.
the fucked up part is that i didn’t even see it coming. for the last two weeks i’ve been so upbeat and motivated and looking towards the future but recently it’s been hard to even look towards tomorrow. my mind is in a dark space and every time it goes into that dark space it seems like it just gets darker and darker. i’m wondering when or if the darkness will ever end or if it will win in the end. and sometimes i have to remind myself that it’s just a chemical imbalance in my brain and it’s just a wave and that it will pass. but when i’m in the dark space it doesn’t seem like it will ever end.
it really fucking sucks having bpd because i just constantly forget that it’s a never ending cycle of manic and then depression. because once i get one i feel like it’ll last forever
i am in love the the idea of having a best friend. i am in love with the idea of having someone there for you through everything. basically a sister. i want to live my life with her and have the same stories to tell our kids in 10 years. and i want the adventures of doing everything together and not being able to be separated. i want to live with my best friend and experience life with her.
I love you you know. and not like all that boujee bullshit about soulmates and your one true love. i love you in a way thats unexpected. from the moment i met you i never thought twice about you and then all of a sudden i couldnt help but wonder what you were thinking about while you were across the room laughing. or if you had ever considered what it would be like to be with me. i feel like maybe you have, from the conversations to the flirty remarks to the lingering stares i catch from time to time. but i think you have a girlfriend now and i know that you probably love her but sometimes i cant help but think if the only reason you got with her was because you knew that i wasnt available to you. ill wait for you i promise. because to me you are worth it.
new friend applications!
i really want a best friend who i can vibe with and who i can be super close with. and we can just count on each other with no drama and no outside influences.
i miss you. i miss my best friend. I’ve had a while to think about what that word truly means to me and who really sits in that position in my life. But I think you truly were my best friend and still are.
Every day I miss you but every day it gets a little bit harder. It’s easy to distract myself with other people and other things so I don’t have to think about you that much but it’s not the same without you.
In my life i’ve just wanted someone who was'nt distracted by boys and chasing other people and things, and suddenly you showed up and fit perfectly. Ive dreamed about moving out with you. Moving out to our own apartment on the beach and getting to live our life with no restrictions and just being us.
i think it’s like so fucked up that i romanticize the life of being poor. like the working overtime just to pay rent for the week, not having money for clothes, having three roommates and still barely affording to live, and when you do have money you spend it on drugs. like i just don’t get why that lifestyle appeals to me so much.
144.2 pounds :)
145 pounds :)
147 pounds :)
i want to talk about the universe and spirituality with other people so dm me! or comment! and let’s talk :)
i’m so proud of myself. i actually feel like i’m getting my life together. i have a healthy eating pattern, my grades are up, i’m working out, i feel good about my body, and overall i just feel better and healthy. hopefully this keeps up because i really like this feeling and i’m actually glad to be alive for once.
i had a dream about you last night and i woke up sad that it wasn’t real. i felt broken because i couldn’t hold you or kiss you anymore. i realized that if all i have left are the dreams of you, then i would rather stay asleep.
the cards are telling me we need to be separated right now but that’s okay
I just lost a girl who would do anything for you. You lost me. And one day I hope you see and realize how much you fucked up
You weren’t the first thought of my day today
He’s not like you you know? He makes me happy, but I’m scared that if he leaves I’ll come crying back to you and telling you that you were right
If we don’t have kids together I’ll tell him about you. I promise
My birthday is in a week. I’d really like it if you told me happy birthday, but I know you probably won’t so I want you to know it’s okay
Do you know when every way he’s different from you, but he’s equally the same and that’s why it’s scary
You created so much doubt and worry in my mind but the only person I should’ve been craving attention from with myself
I really really really want to tell you about him
He’s teaching me that long responses doesn’t mean he’s purposely ignoring me
I put up with you for months thinking you would go back to how you were when I first met you. But you never did
He’s putting me in the same mindset you did. Also I really did almost text you for real today
I still love you
I don’t know what to say to you because I really want to be with you but my brain can understand that you don’t want me back, but my heart keeps screaming that I just need to hold on. You shape me into who I am and I love you for it. But I also wish I never would’ve met you sometimes
The cards told me you were coming back. And I love you, you know I always well, but I really hope you are coming back to me now
He makes me feel safe and comfortable in ways that you never did
My eyes lit up when I talked about you today. I wish you could’ve seen it. Whenever I talked about you I always had such a sad tone but stay in the car I could just feel it that you were coming back to me. And then it wouldn’t be long before I get to see you again
Hurt me. And there’s really no other way I can put it. I watch all these things and see all the stories and it talks about how if a girl chooses you oversleep, and about the girl code, and about how you feel when you know you love a boy, but I know I love you and no one can tell me I didn’t. And you hurt me to the point that I will never be able to love anyone the way that I love you I know right now you’re probably talking to someone new and you probably don’t even think about me and that’s fine. And I have all these great guys and he’s fantastic people talking to me and trying to love me the way that I deserve but I can’t, because all I ever do is sit and read them to you. And everything in my Life will always come back to you. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And that’s why it hurts so damn much.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. With the way I still love you even though every day I continue to love you it kills me. And I hate the way that even though I can feel it killing me I don’t care, because it’s for you. Because in the end I will and would do anything for you. And I hate that my brain keeps saying it’s over it’s over it’s over, and yet my heart keeps saying that maybe there’s a chance, the slightest most heartbreaking chance, but because there’s not a chance nothing will change. And I hate the way that you broke me because no one will ever compare to you and no one will ever match the bond that me and you had. But the only person I could possibly hate more than you is myself. And that’s why I will never be able to let you go. So if you need me, in five seconds, five minutes, five months, or five years I’ll be here. Because I’ll never be able to let go of you. I love you. Even though you don’t love me.
Want to say fuck you. But I can’t because I still love you. And when I think about it I want to be angry and mad I hate you but I can’t because I don’t wish anything bad on you. I want you to have the most wonderful and fulfilling life. I want you to achieve everything you dream and have everything you want in life. I want to hate her too, but I can’t even do that. Because I know she’s what you want and she will make you happy and I just want you to be happy. I want you and her to have the life you’re picturing and dreaming about because you deserve every ounce of it. And don’t worry about me because I know that we’re done and we’re over for good this time.
I see all these videos about finding the right one and finding your soulmate but I just want you to know that won’t happen, because you were at, you are my all. And now you’re gone and no one can live up to you in my mind and in my heart. I love you and I wish you the best.
What blows my mind is how you can literally tell people that I’m obsessed with you and yet you don’t do anything about it. I know that if someone was obsessed with me I would not follow them on Instagram, I would not talk to them, and I would not start conversations with them. I would not have them added on Snapchat and I am certain that I would not meet up with them to buy beer. That’s the part that just really gets to me. Because if you acted like I was obsessed with you and you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me it would make things a lot easier, but no you act like you want me to be upset with you because you’re also slightly obsessed with me too. And that’s the other thing, I’m not even obsessed with you. Do I like you a lot? Sure. Do I want to hang out with you and get to know you more? Yeah I do. But that in no way means I’m upset with you just to get that clear.
Also I would just love to know how you could literally go after her instead of me. Because I know she’s not the worst person, but between her and me I think it should be a really easy choice for you. I just don’t get it, it just doesn’t add up in my mind but it’s cool, it’s fine, I really am not going to be pressed about it for that much longer. Because honestly what am I going to do? There’s nothing that I can do at this point. You know how I feel about you and I try to make the first move and you shut it down. Actually no you didn’t shut it down you just didn’t give me a straight answer. Which is worse than shutting it down my opinion. All I have to say to you is the next time we see each other and you try and text me don’t get upset when I don’t wanna talk to you. Because would it be nice to see your name on my phone? Yeah for sure. But how would I react? I honestly don’t know.
Literally fuck you for thinking of obsessed with you. I’m not. I don’t stock you and hit you up every day and not let you live your boring ass life. I will admit that I like you a lot and I want to talk to you, but honestly if you want to go after someone else and not me, I won’t stop you. I hope she gives you everything you’re looking for. Stop assuming I’m obsessed with you when you’re the one that started talking to me first