These abandonment issues run deep imbedded in my ill brain. Made home in every part of me made chest pains feel like stab wounds, turned my fist into theirs as I remind myself that pain helps me quit freaking out. Just because you don’t leave forever doesn’t mean you haven’t abandoned me. Gone long enough for me to pick up old habits from desk drawers, gone long enough so when you return to me I’ll be all red and puffy eyed, scared up, and probably intoxicated. You’ll look at me with pity in your eyes when your arms wrap around me. I’ll feel happy and safe until something in my head reminds me they left, they left, they left, they left will get stuck words run across my head and I’ll feel a bit dizzy when their voice echos I’m my head too loud. Plug my ears and duck my head as if screaming no would make it stop as if clawing my skin off would make it go away. Trying hard to lock everything up in this stupid fucking box that I can’t imagine because all I can see is the door being slammed or the bruises that lay along my legs to show how I got a little too manic.
Shove all these rules I made up down my throat. Along with the memory of how many pills I used to take. Pills pills pills pills on my brain like that old scratched record. Cry all day in my room alone and try not get carried away it was only common over the counter pain reliever. Do stupid shit as usual when I feel like this wanted to text her but didn’t want her to feel forced to come save me. I’m always doing my best to be there for everyone’s tears and they’re bad days and hey I have resin we can smoke and hang out but I will continue to be left alone in a fit of self mutilation. My tears concern no one but me and my dog as he watches me weep seeing if it’s okay that he lays on the bed with me. It’s okay I’m good spills out of my mouth before my real thoughts currently want to slit my wrist do. Suffocating on loneliness but sadness tagged along just to put sickness in my stomach as if I wasn’t already nauseated from the lack of food this past couple of weeks. Going out sounds a lot like finding a nice place to break down again, alone. My words unheard and my actions amplified into a different light. You saw me punch the wall but did you hear me scream I wanna fucking die.
Maybe it was the way all my adopted children will understand that their black brother is JUST their brother but nobody else will. Maybe it’s the way my kids will not see color but their friends at school will. Maybe it was the way my father didn’t hear the racism slide off his tongue, maybe it was the slang words he used to describe people of any color while married to a Mexican woman. Maybe it was the way the cops held their guns and announced be quiet as if their voice could rip open my throat and silence mine. Maybe it was the way my mother told me to not take their shit and the way my grandmothers accent slid off her Hispanic tongue. Maybe it was the way I hear mothers cry out for their babies or the way fathers weep. Maybe it was the way black people fear for their life when they see cop lights, scared a body bags next. Maybe it was all the families torn apart. Maybe it was all the chances that will never get to be taken. Maybe it was the way all he did was pull up his hood. Maybe it was the way the cop thought his keys looked like a gun, no his phone looked like a gun, no his wallet looked like a gun, no his hands up looked like a threat, no his walk implied otherwise, no his skin was black. Just maybe all of it started up this aggression that made me remember how anger could boil inside of you and seep into clutch fist. How that same anger could unite people and burn down cities. The same anger that might just ruin your whole fucking world.
Break down in my room, break down in the gas station, break down in the car, break down in the store, breaking down in front of everyone. Scratching scabs to feel better about scars I haven’t yet placed on my body. Everything spining too fast for me, sentences don’t quite add up. MY BRAIN DOESNT FUCKING WORK THAT WELL. All I want is some explanation of me, I just want some sense of self. Shattered my life as easy as that mirror broke, as easy as I threw that, as easy as my fist met my own face, as easy as slamming my head in the wall, as easy as bruises and scars line my body.
Been sad for a awhile now shoved my hands down your throat and pulled out something I’d like to hear. Easiest to talk yourself off a ledge than depend on someone else for it. Typing messages to you to express what’s in my head, erased them all. Reality warps itself in my head with consistent sentences from those closest. Trying to separate what I felt in my chest from what’s manifesting in my head. Confused on which feelings are mine. Sick to my stomach about making any kind of decision. Worried as fuck I’ll be the same next year. Lack the energy it takes to change, rather lay in bed until this time next year.
Rip open my esophagus, sick to my stomach. Codependency strangles me by the neck when you are gone. Crying, crying, crying why are you always fucking crying. Make me want to put this blade to my throat. I think I cry louder just to annoy myself a little more. Struggling consistently alone, you fucking know I hate being alone. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE OFTEN. What do I do when screaming at the top of my lungs still doesn’t make you stay. I am broken and I am fucked up and I have flaws more than most people. I’m just tired of being lonely.
Piece of shit
I wanna be around you I wanna be with you but every time, tainting each others thoughts like viruses spread through organs. Loneliness washes over me like the ocean washes the sand off my fucking feet. Swimming through an emotion of thoughts like the fish, consistently. Compressed into these fine lines I made up. Suffocating like sleep paralysis trapping you to the bed. Clocks tick long enough to make me go mad, mad, mad anger builds like fire, bubbling in my gut just enough to make me scream at you. I wanna be loved I wanna feel like I’m being loved, escaped the bad thoughts last night waking up is different.
Uselessness hangs above my head so everyone knows. Write you love poems with my blood, I think you’d appreciate it in a fucked up way. Counting on you to come pick me up, scared to be a let down. Happiness swims over like fake smiles and worn down friendships. Confused on where to go because this “path” looks more like a flood and I’m scared of the water. You know I’m scared of the water.
I feel gross I feel gross I feel gross, we wear down each other’s self esteem. Laughter built up like anxiety, harder to breathe when you are mad. Rinsed our hair in the sink, wiped off each other’s faces and with I love you drifting in the air I felt okay. Scars overlapped on our bodies like my shoe laces tied in knots. They ran away on trains with empty bags, funny thought. Can’t produce words, can’t look you in the eye, SAY THE RIGHT THING. Don’t ruin your chance before it’s given to you. Weight rest on my shoulders, used my shoe laces to make a nuce. Tried to suffocate the self hatred with I love you, I love you, I love you didn’t fix our broken hearts.
Made up of pure contradictions I can not let go of, undeniably followed by bigger consequences I can not let go of. Water my plants everyday, forgot to water myself today. Growing, grew through growing pains, teeth split my gums just enough for blood to pour out my mouth. Ribs grew into the springs of that twin size mattress we slept on every night, I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety’s nest in my lungs so breathing is not a concern of mine anymore. You are my concern, concerned about your chest and the weight that rest on it. Tears fall down our faces crying so loud you’d think they were bleeding us out. Take me for a car ride.
I’ll bite my tongue and clench my first as I hold back this aggression. Stay away from me because the very sound of your voice is enough to make me wrap my hands around your throat. Suffocate you like the depression you rooted in me has been doing this whole time. While you sit in your room and justify your actions I walk around with knifes in my bag.
Another day spent in bed, I can hear the old guy next door with his hammer and nails. Brain producing thoughts so anxiety feels welcome in bed next to me. So much happens outside of this bedroom window I look up at all day but I can’t seem to get myself to get up. GET UP GET UP GET UP. The sun shines through and I can feel the warmth on my skin reminds me of you. Nothing feels real anymore but it felt real in that room at your moms house. So much anxiety building up in my chest and I can’t breathe when I think about what we had.
Never had a complaint never had a complaint never had a complaint words ring in my ears like symphony’s of bad decisions. My hand is clutched to your hoodie please don’t go. Compulsive behavior with negative consequences stacking up like weights on my chest. Dreams constantly remind me I’m fucking everything up with you. Drunk words leave our lips cause sober thoughts weigh heavily. Your fingers intertwined with mine and I’m begging you not to let go. Please can we run away from these compulsive thoughts spouting hateful words at each other. It’s not me it’s not you we can be okay. We can be okay we can be okay we can be okay please can’t we be okay?
What is being intimate with someone to you? You keep calling my incounters intimate. Would it still seem intimate if you knew how hard they were hitting me or if you knew the bruises that trailed my body. WOULD IT STILL SEEM SO FUCKING INTIMATE IF YOU SAW THE LOOK ON MY FACE. Maybe it would feel a lot more like love if you saw the cuts on my arms after another touched me to feel better. Maybe it would seem a lot more okay if you saw the way I rubbed my skin raw in the shower. Does it seem like I had fun when you look at me, please tell me if it does because the way you hit me last night has me missing you.
Days pass by like blurs, anxiety sat in my chest the whole time, your voice still rings in my ears. Drunk the whole time we skated I didn’t know where you were taking me, feels like forever since I let you lead me somewhere. Completely unaware that the anxiety in my chest subsided, you asked if I’m ever present didn’t you see the way I just looked at you? I’ve been present this whole time watching the way you kicked your board with confidence. I should let you go you look so good when your not around me you grew so much not around me. “fuck you” never left your lips as often as you would have liked to let it before and now your saying it as a joke. You got stronger without me but I’ll always remember a time with a shitty trailer and lunch breaks. I’ll always remember sleepless nights in the car and I’ll fucking remember everything we ever did everywhere we ever went. Please hangout with that girl you met at the coffee shop, remember when we were there and I was working on homework and we were babysitting your nans dogs. Please remember to feel okay when she kisses you.
I got that bad feeling again and only you know what I’m talking about. I need your arms around me, remember how you used to put your arms around? Please tell me you remember all those times we were laughing and please tell me you remember how nice it felt holding my hand. I remember, I’ll always remember. Stained in the back of my head like all our favorite t-shirts we were always too messy for everyone else. I’m gonna throw up again thinking about you, all this writing about you got those feelings sinking in my chest there will always be a place for you there.
Dreams of you still happen, don’t think I’ve forgotten what your face looks like. Remember how it felt in ur arms before, remember how it felt in ur arms the last time. Hearing myself cry out for you this morning still rings in my ears and the pain still sits in my chest. These gloomy days we used to stay inside and I would blame sadness on the weather and you would always do your best to make me happy. YOU ALWAYS DID YOUR BEST TO MAKE ME HAPPY. The guilt will never leave me,sometimes I get angry and I remember hearing hateful words spill out of our mouths in that room at your moms house. The fake smiles, Trying to get my head to stop but you have taken up so much space I can’t focus. Constantly searching for some sort of pain fucking hurt me I’m begging for someone to tear me down. Your birthday is in two days and I remember this time last year we had just set off in the car with dogs. We camped for the first time on our adventure paranoia sank in when the sun went down and I’ll always remember how it felt holding ur hand when scared.
Fucked up, fucked over you, fucking over everyone, fucking up just cause a fuck up is all I’ll ever be, fuck me. Laughing at my pain I question if I’m crazy, mental states got me feeling stupid for typing anything at all. Should just keep it all bottled up like you do, you do it so well. I’m done, I caused this stop fucking whining about consequences, you knew what would fucking happen, you dumb fucking bitch.
They will all use me and I will break down alone in my room about it. Task completed and guilt on my mind. Slap in the face, movies of past play in my head. Really good at talking about how shit matters just really fucking bad at caring. Simple soulotions to my problems end up feeling a lot like bad decisions. I wanna hideaway in this room where everything reminds me of you. Head spins when I stand up sick when I look in the mirror. Chocking on my own breath, bent over the toilet. Blame it on anxiety but it was all insecurity. I’d like to pretend you planted this sadness in my chest. Anger blocks my throat but it’s funny cause anxiety already shortened my breath funny cause it only happened when I was thinking of you.
I question my exsistance often, these actions lately got me curious who I am. Fucked up over you can’t stop getting lost in anxiety over you I wish you would call. Would words fall out of my mouth like this vomit I’ve been holding down or would I stay silent. I wanted to experience life with you back and forth on the idea of us. Almost crashed the car today and when I went over the curb I felt calm as the car spun in the grass. Patient passer by let me get back onto the highway before anyone else noticed, I should repay that karma somehow. I wish I had been who you needed but I think Ill move away instead. Start new everything, throw away my phone in the ocean as a goodbye to us. Sink into the night lights of unfamiliar places head phones in, puking in near by dumpsters cause the thought of you screams in my head. I’m making plans in my head I hope guilt stays on the side lines for this one. I hope that I don’t come running home when I get that scared feeling, the kind I felt at that Starbucks with you before we drove home. I’m fucked up over you I’ll admit it. I hate that fucking feeling. Swallowing the past feels a lot like swallowing glass.