17.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

Death has never been something I really have worried about.. but it seems now I’m obsessed with it since September 15th, 2019… When I saw my best friend my nanna, take her last breaths. Not that I haven’t witnessed an overdose or bright someone back to life doing cpr. But this time it hit me soooo differently. Ever since she’s been gone.. I feel I’m gone to. What has happened to me? I don’t feel real anymore. I have the will to do nothing. I have no dreams really all I want to do is to be with her again. With the person I felt happiest with. It feels like it happened so sudden, so fast. I feel I did not get to express everything I needed to express to her. I miss her so much it hurts. I cry EVERYDAY. I miss her so much it’s interfering with my life here on earth. I wonder where she is.. If she’s standing right beside me, if she’s wiping my tears without me knowing. I am depressed most of the time.. I feel lonely so lonely.. no matter how many people I’m around. I’m try to express this feeling to people of being here but not being here. It’s hard to explain. I want to know more.. I watched a person on youtube named #dolores cannon. She did help me understand about our soul contracts and our purpose here on earth. But I’m still sad, all I want is to hear nannas voice one last time. Hear her laugh one last time. Have one more girls day. I fear in losing touch with reality. I fear I’m going down a very dark path. All I want to do is scream but instead I sleep or look for ways to numb my pain in my heart that NEVER goes Away. This is my first post and I won’t lie watching Elisa Lam’s story on Netflix made me want to make a tumblr.. I had one a long time ago when I was a child. Before I had the experience I have now today. Some people may still think 26 is still young that I’m still a child and that I have a whole life ahead of me. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels empty.. lonely. I lay in the dark most of the time and just think and try to sleep as much as possible but I fear I’m missing out on life. Everything looks so boring now.. so pointless. My city looks grey. It’s not as colorful as it once was if that makes any since. And like many people I feel like no one. Like I don’t matter. Like I could go at any moment and no one would care. I often watch dark things on Netflix about serial killers and things like that interest me. I wonder in another lifetime if I could have been a detective. People who hurt others get famous.. but people like me who are normal are not heard. No one listens. They want to prescribe me medications for depression and anxiety and a pill for this and a pill for that. How do we actually know what these pills do? I’m not a scientist, not do I claim to be. But why cure certain things and not others. I know there is a cure for cancer.. which by the way is how my nanna passed.. but why don’t we make these cures available? So the government can make money why we watch our loved ones die in our arms.. and then they call us “sick” because we can’t cope. Maybe some can.. maybe some see it as “normal” but I don’t think it’s normal for a child to die from cancer.. I think it’s cruel.. and I cry for the people who would rather make money than help our people stay healthy and well and live their lives the 100 years we are supposed to get. Most of us are cheated of that. Anyways that’s all for tonight. I will cry myself to sleep like most nights and then figure out what to do with my miserable life tomorrow.

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