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tag yourself i’m chaotic good
My other half
- Fandom: Mystic Messenger
- Pairing: SE Saeran x Reader
- Category: Angst & Fluff
- Warnings: Self-doubt, tension
- Word count: 5189
- Author’s Note: Give him love.
Summary: You sit together to enjoy the night around you.
Saeran can’t help his fears anymore and confronts you.
He needs to know if you have feelings for his brother.
VAE Saeran x MC / Reader [*Party, but with angst, ya know?]
The first time he sees you again, you are spinning across the ballroom to the melody of the orchestra – unknowingly dancing circles across the pieces of his heart.
Saeran watches you from afar, just as he always has. It has been two years and the sight of you still takes his breath away. Your very existence makes his entire body hum and ache; makes the earth itself cave right underneath him because you are still as beautiful as he remembers.
Under the light of the chandeliers, your gown shimmers and reflects off the marble tile, envelops your skin in glistening gold. He finds you radiant– a golden angel, hauntingly beautiful.
His heart swells suddenly, awestruck by the way you shake your head, throw your head back in laughter – he’s too far away to hear it, but he knows it carries sunshine.
If he could bottle it up into a music box – wind it up when the darkness threatens to overwhelm him – he would.
But he can’t. Because it is not him you are dancing and laughing with; you are somewhere else entirely – in a faraway land where dreams come true and you can live out your happily ever after in V’s arms.
He’s not welcome in that fairytale.
His heart churns and twists, drugs his entire being until it leaves every cell numb. The trajectory of the truth burns straight through his guts.
Once, he had allowed himself to believe the delusion that he could someday become someone worthy of you. That was before he knew the truth; before he gave himself over to the darkness and lost himself in filthy ideologies and the desperate need to belong somewhere.
He had fallen in love with you then – hopelessly, desperately. Ray, who clutched at your skirts and daydreamed of kissing you on cotton candy clouds; Saeran, who couldn’t stand the sight of you because you made him feel and question his very existence.
But then is not now. The years have passed… and now is something else. He is someone else – yet every fragment of memory and shattered dream that remains of him, still belongs entirely to you.
He is still in love with you, and it hurts, because you have never – not once – been his.
why does baking feel like healing?
day four: drink me
Lumen X Suit Saeran
He isn’t afraid of her. He isn’t afraid of anything.
In a palace of his own creation—towers of glass, an ocean of liquid too blue to be water—he watches her lift the bottle to her lips.
It’s a gift—no, a punishment—no, a promise. He wants to see her pretty eyes cloud over. She is seconds from staying forever; three sips from forgetting who she is.
“Hurry,” he commands, and his voice sounds rough like he’s been shouting. He’s not sure how he got here, or who she’ll become if she lets him win.
He’s never won anything before. He hates her bare shoulders and the way she glances up like she’s scared of what he’ll do next. She holds the bottle too easily, as if she knows—doesn’t know—trusts that he’ll stop her.
“To you,” she says, and she’s almost drinking, and his heart screams I hate you, I need you, run as fast as you can.
A couple more Nameless comics! The first one was inspired by the scratched knee in Tei and Red route. I remembered my childhood habit of picking scabs and thought about how that would be hilariously terrible in this relationship. Sending a blood written love note semi-ironically is also based on a story from when I was an edgy teen. Don’t take it too seriously. I just love making Tei nag… They’re basically like a sitcom couple but role-reversed and extra unhinged. I realize “spoiling” is such a loaded word in context of Tei’s desires, and it is deliberate for continuing the theme of ruinous ambiguity, but I think the contrast is so adorable. “You WILL practice self-care, that is a THREAT” ✨
I actually drew the second comic first as a way of establishing some more facts about the AU, but then I got the idea for the first comic to set up Red’s angst more solidly to set Cookie off. As a fan of yanderes and detester of double standards, I decided this side character is moe and must be developed. For the record, Tei’s memory manipulation in this scene is fairly minimal ““harm reduction”” type clean-up. He’s really happy she chose him when it’s not his route, so he mostly wants her as-is. But he’s still got that anxious control addiction and is making his own problems. I’m hoping to make this all play into a mini arc at some point, but time is literally fake in this comic-verse so I also plan to just keep writing shit in no particular order and hope it eventually coalesces.
Day 1: “Down the Rabbit Hole"
A Ray x Lumen adventure (SFW)
He wants to keep her here, in this Wonderland he’s whisked her off to; offers sweet words, sweet treats, sweet flowers to get her to stay. Lumen is discovering it is becoming all too easy, to simply…fall through.
It’s going to her head.
When she closes her eyes all she can see is pink: the walls, the chairs, the sheets, the dresses.
A pretty boy with bleached hair and pink tips, pink jacket, pink cheeks, pink lips.
The same one leaving behind small, delightful gifts in her room – macarons and strawberries in the morning, fresh flowers and pink fish-shaped sweets in the afternoon, fashion magazines and warm drinks in the evening.
All of her favorite things are provided to her, things that nobody would know she preferred unless she told them… or if they had observed her and all her intricate habits from afar (which she suspected was the case).
Lumen is not sure what to make of any of it, of him, and it is beginning to trouble her.
Seated right at the edge of her bed, Ray fiddles with his gloved hands as he speaks softly to her, asks her questions about her life, her thoughts and dreams. Sometimes, he even allows himself to laugh softly (a sound unused and hoarse but beautiful) at her witty responses.
They often have moments like this, sharing light conversation until he needs to leave, or she can’t hold back from flirting with him a little – she likes him best when he’s flustered - and he rushes out of the room either way.
She can’t be certain what pushes her to ask, perhaps it’s the way he keeps stealing glances at her when he thinks she’s not looking, or the shy almost-there smiles he’s given her today that makes her want more of him.
“Ray, have you ever been in love?”
He remains still and is silent for a long time, as if not fully comprehending her question. “Savior says that love is a weakness. But I’ve never…I don’t know what it feels like.”
“It feels like…your heart has been attached to someone’s happiness. There is almost an understanding, a knowing of each other.” She shakes her head. “But there’s always a risk.”
“Is it worth it?” he asks hoarsely, lost.
Lumen stares, trying to formulate words for what she is feeling, but they do not come. Instead, she gets up and walks over, stands right in front of him with her hands behind her back, afraid that if she were to reach out and touch him, he would dissolve into nothingness.
She tilts her head towards him. “Would you like to find out?”
He inclines his head in a slow nod, cheeks a beautiful shade of pink that tells her he is very close to fleeing.
“Close your eyes, then.” She whispers tentatively. “I’ll show you.”
And he does, long lashes fluttering against his cheeks as his hands fidget at his sides. She puts both hands on his jaw, lightly runs her fingers along it – he is trembling.
Her own eyes slip closed just before she bends down and brushes her lips against his, which are dry and swollen from anxious biting, but she kisses them tenderly as she strokes his cheekbones.
When she pulls back, his eyes are shot open and he takes a steadying breath, looking at her with a sort of contemplating fascination – wide-eyed and mesmerized.
Lumen catches her breath and down, down, down she falls; into eyes of river blue and a fantasy land where up is down and down is up, and forgets there’d ever been anywhere else at all.
Day One: Down the Rabbit Hole (Lumen x Ray)
He was dangerous. Dark, twisted, possessive. Poison. But Ray is far too beautiful to resist.
Lumen trails him as he wanders further, fragile in stature but princely in his poise, his nervous voice a siren’s song luring her deeper in the garden. Delicate gloved fingertips dance across fallen petals and jagged leaves of rose bushes as he passes, black leather reflecting the shine of the thousands of stars of the night sky. His hair is dazzling like moonlight and his irises shimmer like aquamarine, he surrounds her as both the sky and the sea. How could she resist him when he is already everywhere and everything?
“Where are we going?” she asks, lips numb, mind hazy.
“Nowhere in particular, princess,” he replies, offering his hand and bending to a delicate bow—a delusional display of grandeur—but she grasps his fingers without hesitation.
“You’re beautiful,” she breathes.
Ray gasps, the little noise making her heart race. The effect she has on him as strong as the one he has on her. Lumen smiles, watching rich red, the same shade as his beloved roses, blooming across his cheeks.
“I’d follow you anywhere.”
The grin he offers makes her stomach roll, something calamitous swirling in his eyes, disappearing just as quickly as it came. He grips her hand just a little bit harder, enough to notice but not enough to scare.
“Good.” And he continues to pull her along to nowhere.
day two: painting the roses red
Lumen X VAE Ray
Paradise, as it turns out, is quiet.
If he could, he’d have her wake in a field of flowers, bathed in soft sunlight and the sweet scent of springtime. Instead, all that’s left here is ashes.
She blinks twice and rubs her eyes and he wonders what she’ll think when she sees.
“Where did you take me?” she asks. He never meant to steal her away.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I don’t think I’m the one you’ve been looking for.”
She brushes her hair out of her eyes—she is sleepy, stunning, sweet—and stands, spinning till she finds him in the darkness. He feels small and strange and hides his bruised, bitten hands behind his back as if this will keep him safe.
I don’t feel we talk enough about what an adorable brat Zen can be. He’s a little bit of a Prima Donna. He needs attention and praise and adoration constantly. His entire life is based around an exceptionally judgmental and stressful profession. Raised in a household where he was betrayed by the only support he ever thought he had. Zen knows how to take care of himself. But he wants to be pampered. He asks to be surrounded by a gentle, pretty life. His whole life has been hard and often dirty and dark. He wants gentleness and love. He wants to be the center of attention. He wants to be told he’s handsome and wonderful and talented and smart while you run your fingers through his hair or massage his shoulders. He can be exceptionally demanding.
He’s so desperate for this and so nervous to ask for it. Dropping constant hints people see as narcissistic which are actually cries to “see me”, “please love me too” because no one ever genuinely has for the right reasons. He’s so anxious all the time, he can’t sleep, he works out canon like 4-6 hours a day if you include dance practice. He never stops moving. But when he’s seen, when he’s prioritized and loved he blossoms. Slowly learning actually confidence and shedding his bravado. Zen is sweet and kind and deserves to be cherished.
Hey I’m helping mod a discord server for people who love male yanderes. You should come join us! We have channels for anime, manga, otome, memes, ASMRs, songs, fics, and pics all centered around male yanderes!
Pillow talk: Talking about how MysMe hits close to home now and feels so real.
Okay, I wanted to start a sincere discussion about it, I think it’s interesting to see how y'all interprets this game: if it’s just a game for fun, a lesson of life or a comfort zone. I don’t know if what I’m going to say about this game might appear a bit “over the top” for you (like I go too far in my appreciation at the limit of excess) but please understand that I don’t play a lot of games and MysMe got my attention for a long time which is why I’m considering it as an excellent game on which I relate a lot.
As said in the title: It’s a “Pillow Talk” (I thought that term is super cute instead of “story time”) so I’m going to write a lot about sensitive things that are a bit depressing. If you feel uncomfortable with this subject then please don’t read >< also I’m going to talk about my own life so if you’re not interested you can just ignore it and talk about your own experience lol
I’ll just expecting those who wants to talk a bit about this game to express themselves on this post and a maximum of respect for each others please. ^^
Well, my interpretation:
I was in high school when I first started this game (6years ago), (maybe) like you I got quite addicted to it: the gameplay was super original and I felt really close to the characters (calls, interactions and the fact that it’s a messenger made the game feel more real.) My favorite was Zen, I thought he was super handsome, outgoing and warm and his story was super interesting. I also liked Yoosung for the same reasons meanwhile I just couldn’t really grasp the struggles of Jaehee, Seven and Jumin, their problems kinda felt “unreal” to me (I mean that I didn’t get their struggles because I didn’t experienced it) I could be sympathetic with them but I couldn’t relate.
But I didn’t realized that it was because I could relate to them: I had a really low self-esteem like Zen, constantly questioning myself thinking “I don’t deserve this or that” or “Am I even going to make it?” and was constantly relying on people and waiting for someone to tell me how I should do things. I would feel lost when I was all by myself like Yoosung.
So basically I was kinda a low self-esteem coward LOL
And there was also those two girls with whom I’d go out with a lot and who considered me as their “best friends”. They didn’t helped me at all and just pushed me down, making me feel even worse. So yeah, my surrounding weren’t the best…
Anyway, after High School I got to experience a lot of things: extreme exhaustion (due to certain circumstances I worked 7/7, 16/24), I lost trust in a lot of people I held really dear, I experienced the weight of being under someone’s authority and the frustration of not being able to make my situation any better and I always tried to look the other way when I had a problem and acted like everything was fine as long as I appeared happy.
I lost motivation for everything, did what I had to do and well… I just fucked up my life. I kept that to myself, I thought that it was useless to talk about it to my friends and also that my problems where mine so I’ll keep it and just behave like the “me” I’ve always shown.
In a nutshell: I tried to conceal and kill my negative emotions but that just made me more depressed and lonely.
Now, I sorted out all my problems during quarantine, I quit my toxic job, blocked all the vipers from my life, went back to school (my loss of motivation made me stop my studies after college when I could go to university) and I am now taking things in hand and my life is way better now.
So after living all that, it’s been 2 weeks I decided to play at MysMe again and I can now relate to Seven, Jumin and Jaehee. Seven’s now my favorite, I don’t think I am exactly like him but I do think our way to deal with life is kinda the same: creating a character in which we found comfort and comforting to others, concealing our feelings and most importantly that lonely feeling. So knowing that, I feel really close to this character which must be why I like his route since taking one route in MysMe is helping a character overcome their problems.
Voila, that was my personal take on why this game felt real. Ofc I am not delusional: I know they don’t exist even if it would have been great if they did but I am just affectioning them a lot because they are really interesting and well developed.
MysMe really does feel like more than just a game. And the LIs really do feel like more than just characters. Most of the time when I fall in love with a character it’s because I adore their personality or quirks, but I think Zen and Ray were the first characters I’ve fallen in love with as if they were actual people. It was really striking at first. I didn’t understand quite what was happening or how this could happen. But even though I knew they were fictional characters, I felt understood by them. I felt seen in a way that I’ve only felt from my husband.
And even though I’ve only been playing the game for a year and a half, more and more I start to realize that in a way, Zen is connected to the struggles of my past. The isolation and rejection and the use of pride as a defense mechanism. And Ray seems to be connected to the struggles of my present/future. Several years ago I began pretending that my demons were friends, and slowly through my imagines about Ray I’m realizing how ugly these demons are and that I should let them go.
I can’t begin to describe how much Zen and Ray mean to me. It really seems beyond my grasp. But somehow, even though I know they’re fictional, I feel understood by them. With them I am seen for who I am. And through them I’m becoming a better person.
the garden of obsession 2021
Day 7: HYACINTH (YELLOW) // jealousy
He remembered how Ray felt the very first time he walked into the greenhouse and saw them peeking up through the soil. Something new had stirred inside of his—their?—chest, something he couldn’t name. Joy? Pride? Love—that was the word he used: Love. He saw these little plants and loved them, and despite love from a person as worthless as he was, they kept on growing. They grew larger and he grew braver and when they finally bloomed, he took it as proof of concept that he could do things and be things that seemed impossible. Ray would get nervous before knocking on her door and he’d think of all of the bright colors he helped bring to life; he’d pause before grabbing her hand and he’d remember how these same hands could turn nothing into something.
Saeran thought of holding her hand and felt their—his—chest cave in on itself from anxiety. He was strong, but he was a coward. Saeran had nothing to make him feel brave. He hated Ray for that.
He threw another clay pot on the ground and thought about the sinking heartache that would hit their—yes, it was their chest when Ray woke up and saw the cracked planters and trampled petals. He wouldn’t be sad over the wasted effort–he’d be sad because he didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to one of the few things in life that had ever made him feel capable, worthwhile. It was Ray’s job to hope, and it was Saeran’s to remind them why they shouldn’t.
lilac (first feeling of love) - Suit Saeran X reader
You are the sound the earth makes when it wakes up from a long, dark winter.
“Hold on,” you say as he drifts away from you—almost out of sight, almost empty, almost gone. “Don’t leave yet.”
He looks down at a hand—the hand—his hand—which hovers over the doorknob. He’s surprised by the bright white scars on his knuckles. He can’t remember when he got them.
“Too late,” he tells you. He wishes you’d block his way or leave him alone or open up a window. He doesn’t know whether the air in here has always been so stale.
Your feet make a soft shuffling sound on the carpet, and then the sound stops. He is noticing, for the first time in ages, all the sensations on his skin: his smooth sleeves against his arms; the funny bruises on his heart.
“You’re still here,” you say. He wonders if Ray ever told you that your voice sounds like summer sun. The days since you’ve been here bleed into one another and he doesn’t know if now is yesterday or tomorrow, passing or becoming, present or past.
“I’m going now,” he says, but he has already given up. He feels you nearby like a tidal wave about to engulf him, and he wishes your sea water would let him dissolve.
Turning up the softness and threat for Tei Comic cause it’s an aesthetic I wanna drown in. It’s a thin line you walk when you decide to live in a bad ending with your yandere doll. Lots of hidden implications. I’m having fun with this, you see.
I’m not a person I’m merely a vessel for tender thoughts about Ray
Day One: Begonia
Written as part of @marshmallowprotection’s Garden of Obsession week.
When his eyes meet yours in the darkness, you can almost see them gleam, a flash of light; the last breath of a dying ember, or the spark of a fire stoked back to life. In spite of everything you have seen from him, all caustic words and loud gestures, words shouted with just a little too much desperation, fear laced through the mask of rage, he is quiet and still, like the surface of a lake. More than ever, you wish you could see under the surface, and yet this feels like the closest you’ve ever been to finding out.
When Saeran rises in the wake of his confession, turning to step towards the door, you lunge forward, fingers curling around his wrist. At the brush of your fingertips against his palm, he pauses. The weight of his gaze returning to yours is a silent question, a quiet tension laced through his shoulders. Your stomach sinks at the sight of self-doubt lingering in his eyes.
“You can’t mean that.” Your voice is a gentle rasp, not wanting to disturb the stillness that has settled between you. “You can’t just leave.”
“Why?” Saeran frowns, just slightly, expression clouding as he searches your gaze.
“You say that you can’t put your hatred aside, that there’s no hope for you, but I don’t believe that.”
“After everything I’ve put you through, you still believe that?” While Saeran remains perfectly still in the darkness, the tiny amount of moonlight which reaches his face illuminates his expression, revealing the subtle tension in his jaw, eyebrows furrowed, something unspoken lingering in the pools of his eyes.
“I believe in you.”
“You shouldn’t.” His answer comes immediately, quietly bitter, the way the air smells when a brightly coloured flower is crushed underfoot. “Thank you, for understanding me. For not giving up on me. But you can be happy with Ray.”
“I can be happy with you, too,” you breathe, and while your grip remains loose (you would never hold him there), your gaze is still locked with his, and you know that your plea is written all over your face. “You both deserve to be happy.”
“I’ve only ever been cruel to you,” Saeran murmurs, just loud enough for you to hear. “I… know nothing but anger.”
“What do you feel now?”
The question hangs in the air between you, and you watch as his expression shifts, just slightly, like the waters of a lake clearing after a storm. The longer he stares at you, the more you can glimpse something new dawning in his eyes.
“I…” His voice is quieter than you’ve ever heard it. Saeran exhales, and slowly, his palm turns, allowing you to curl your fingers around his. “I don’t know.”
Without meaning to, you match his volume, leaning just a little bit closer.
“Don’t you want a chance to find out?”
He hesitates, and the moment’s pause feels like you’re hanging over the edge of the balcony outside, on the verge of falling into the garden below.
“What if I hurt you again?”
Your fingers tighten around his subconsciously, brows furrowed at the fear that’s just barely beneath the surface of his gaze.
“What if you don’t?” Slowly, you shuffle forward on the bed, swinging your legs over the edge so that you can face him properly. Saeran mirrors you, shoulders turning just enough for you to clasp his hand in yours. “I trust you, Saeran.”
“You realise the danger you’re in because of me. Because of Ray. If I can’t get you out of here…”
“I told you. I believe in you. I believe in you and Ray. Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.”
Much to your surprise, you see the corners of his lips lift for a fraction of a second, only barely enough for you to register it as a faint smile.
“You really are stupid, you know.”
A quiet huff of startled laughter escapes you, but before you can open your mouth, he moves, and you feel his lips brush against your forehead.
“Stupid, but sweet.”
Carnation (Striped): Wishing to be Yours
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light ― Plato
🌿 tags/warnings: sfw, suit saeran x reader, brief mentions of the suffering MC experienced on Ray’s route, angst
🌿 words: 426
🌿 masterlist / event masterlist
🌿 a/n: For @marshmallowprotection’s The Garden of Obsession: Dangerous Saeran Week.
He waits, fingers twisting anxiously along the cool metal of the chain binding the edges of his suit collar together—but the longer he waits, trying to steady his breathing against the frame of your door, the more he wants to run and never look back.
Saeran has lost. Not once was he able to break you, no matter how hard he tried. Your strength remained even as your legs shook each time you stood. Your kindness never waived even as he tried to rip you apart with his words. Your love—for Ray and for the Saeran he can feel himself becoming—shimmered in your eyes even as he pinned you beneath him to make you feel small and scared. And every time he looks at you, more of his darkness fades away.
As he finally places his hand around the doorknob, all he can think about is if you will ever be able to forgive him. The only thing more terrifying than falling in love with you is seeing both Ray and himself lose you forever.
The doorknob rattles in his trembling hands, requiring two attempts before he is finally able to wrap his fingers tightly enough to turn it. As soon as he steps past the threshold, he folds in on himself, feeling vulnerable in all of the worst ways. He crosses his arms tightly across his chest, not as an expression of anger, but as a feeble attempt to hold himself together.
He calls your name softly in the darkness before he has stepped fully into the room, scanning for you. He spots you on your bed, the comforter slipping from your shoulders and heaping in front of where you sit up in alarm. Your eyes are blown wide, trepidation and worry mixing with that same sparkle of love shimmering in the moonlight that bleeds through the crack in your curtains. When Saeran hears you faintly say his name in question in return—his name, not Ray’s—he knows he has made the right decision.
“You recognized me right away,” he says, voice hollow and broken. “…you weren’t waiting for me, were you?”
He watches the tension in your shoulders release at the sound of his gentle voice. For the first time in days, the fear that had been ever-present across your face is gone. You need someone sweet and tender and hopeful like Ray. You will never need him.
And it’s with that thought in his mind that he holds you even closer to his heart as he finally gathers enough courage to let you go.
Ray | LILAC – The First Feeling of Love & Spring
- Warning for: Character death – Yandere behaviorSummary: When he finally understands what he feels for his tester, he’s determined to be the one making her happy.No matter the consequences.
The best romances are Who I Am x Who I Wish I Was
Not Confused - a Tei x CMC AU comic
Last weekend @lynettethemadscientist cosplayed Tei McNameless at Kumoricon and I tagged along to play the part of his MC! It was so fun we came up with a backstory and now this AU is eating my brain. Self shipping is a dangerous drug to put in your tea, folks. Anyway, with the exception of the first prologue one, these are based on scenes from our RP. I turned out to be a horrible tease to him, whether intentional or not. Though I’m carefree, I show my devotion by choosing hell and fighting fate - but mostly dragging him out to nerd shit to cheer him up per the scope of our game. Lynette’s Tei is very angsty, please clap.
HELL YES! Love these comics so much!! It was so fun doing the rp with you all Saturday!