I’m going to be moving this blog to a main blog. it will still be under lyrieux.tumblr.com. find me there. when its up.
I’m going to be moving this blog to a main blog. it will still be under lyrieux.tumblr.com. find me there. when its up.
[╰☆╮] Once again it has been some time - since this is a side blog and I’m no longer using the main blog due to hiatus, getting on here has to take me by fancy or need rather than impulse. But at least when I know I need to put something out there, I can come here.
I have a photo-shoot coming up on Wednesday with Alistair. That is meant to be fun but I’m just absolutely dreading it to be honest. I don’t feel confident, I don’t feel good. Its going to be awful. But I can’t let him down again.
We got the supplies for my wall unit yesterday. £130 worth of wood. I just need black paint and accents, now. Trim bits - you know - I forget the actual names. I haven’t got skirting boards or coving yet - that’ll be some of the last bits I do. So expensive. I’m starting to regret doing it all because, well… it’s just taking so much time and honestly, my room being such a building site is making it all the worse. especially for my head.
I got a text message this morning. From Mike. Asking if he could come and collect the clothes he left here. Which is fine, I said he could when we split. But he kept messaging - saying how he missed me and that he regretted leaving me in such a childish way. I told him straight that I don’t believe it. I mean, it was likely he was cheating on me with this other chick before we actually split - and if anything I feel really sorry for her. She seems like such a cool person, I just hope she doesn’t get fucked over like I did.
Anyway. I let Mike know everything - how much he did hurt me, how many suspicions there were, how damn hurt I was in the end of it all, and still largely am. We were together three years, he was my soul mate, even if he was a bit brash at things. I’m not going to lie, life without him is fucking weird, and painful.
But apparently his supposed new girlfriend as a sham to get her crazy ex off her back, and he blocked me and my mom so we wouldn’t see, so I wouldn’t think he left me for her. And I’m finding it naturally rather hard to believe. I don’t know… I don’t know what to believe. I’m still very hurt. But I can’t deny that I really do miss him, and that he has been a real rock in my life in the past.
If he has it in him to man up and, you know, get rid of the asshole nature then maybe there is something in the future for us. I’ll be damned if I’m rushing into anything. He’ll really have to prove himself this time around. And I’ts not just him - I’m going to have to be more open and honest about things just as he is going to have to be more sensitive on certain matters. We both have to change if something is going to work but at the moment… I’m not heading for anything. If he really wants to make a go of it, he’ll make the effort.
And that’s all I’m really looking for from him. Effort. Understanding. And I know I need to make more effort, too, within the realms that I can. I need to try and invigorate ambition, I need to try and get to what therapy I can, which I am trying. It’s very difficult given how little there is around. I just… need to set my sights on small things at a time - work on being happier. I need to focus on my mental health, I need to focus on getting better, and with those things, other things will become easier.
Anyway. I’ve agreed to meet Mike after my photoshoot on Wednesday. For now, I’m keeping it quiet from mom - she’ll only flip her shit. She’s quite childish in that aspect. Lets just see what he has to say. I’m not pinning my hopes on anything, I’m not going to greet him with open arms. I know for a fact I’m going to be rather quiet. I’m just… going to see how it goes.
[╰☆╮] So it has been a few weeks and I finally feel ready to talk about recent happenings.
Me and Mike broke up. And I don’t mean a happy, clean break up, either. We had a long conversation after him ignoring me for a few days about ‘us’ and we agreed that we would be more open with one another; because he was beginning to feel like we weren’t the same as before. So that lasted for three days before he text me out of the blue saying it just wasn’t working.
Long story short, through his attempts to try and soften the blow, he was basically telling me that my depression was too much for him to handle. That he was sick of coming over and not being able to make me smile like he used to, that it was getting him down. Basically, my mental health problems ended the relationship. Which obviously has made me feel utterly god-awful about myself… and I’ve really spiraled downward. Not because I’ve lost him., but because it was my fault, because my mental health actually ended something.
He text me saying he had deactivated his facebook for a few days to ‘sort his head out’ and whatever. I thought that was fair enough… Until I discovered that he had actually just blocked me, my mom and my neighbor. How did I find out? He forgot to block a close friend of mine and the day after we broke up, he was in a relationship with some other chick. Which hurt me - because they had so obviously been seeing each other for a long while before he broke it off with me. So he had cheated.
And you know what? I’m glad that we’re over. it hurts, of course it does… but he hadn’t loved me for a long while - I could tell that much. He didn’t make any effort, he was distant, he came over and then went off with friends instead of spending time with me. And his friends never knew that we got back together last year after our break up. Nobody knew. Which rang alarm bells in the first place. As far as everyone else was concerned, we weren’t together. So it makes me wonder if his new chick knew about me at all. Because, technically, she’s been cheated on, too.
Not that it’s any of my business any more.
Anyway, he texts me this morning, asking how I am. That I can talk to him if I need someone to talk to, that he’s still there for me. He has no idea that I know about his fucking new chick and lies. And It makes me feel sick that he’s still lingering around. If he really cared, he would have made the effort when it mattered. Now he’s just rubbing salt in the wound…
I have him as under cuntbag in my phone.
I’m due to go for coffee with old college friends tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow morning I’m meant t be going to the doctors and mom is coming with me to kick up a fuss because I’m not getting any help. And honestly, I’m dreading it. I don’t need the fucking stress. I just want to fall into a coma or something to ignore the world for a while. I’m passively suicidal. Honestly, I would not give a flying fuck if I got hit by a bus or anything. I zoned out while pouring hot water yesterday and scolded my hand. Mom wont leave me alone in the kitchen any more.
I’m a mess and I am generally struggling.
[╰☆╮] I’m feeling so obscenely deflated. I went to my therapy/counselling session this morning in high hopes that all was going to be positive, that I was going to be told that I was going to be getting more help. I was wrong. The referral I was posed for declined it, because it was for an intervention team for people with their first psychotic episode. Which I only had because I tried to get off medication and it was really not the right time. Side effects.
I only found out today that I was only to get six counselling sessions. I can self-refer back but the waiting list is months. As of the moment, my bloody doctor only thinks I’m depressed with anxiety. My counselor thinks I have BPD with Schizotypal personality disorder traits. So basically, I now have to go back to my GP and start all over again, from the beginning, in trying to get any help at all. It’s around and around and around and I just can’t cope with it.
And me and Mike also broke up. And I still think we’re going to, to be honest. I don’t think he sees me as part of his future any more, at least not as a partner. He says he doesn’t enjoy coming over any more because I am just ‘depression on top of depression’ and it gets him down. It’s not something I can help, entirely, and I am making extra efforts to be more happy - at least externally,… but after just a few days of supposedly being okay, hes going back to not really texting me again. So - I don’t know if that’s because he’s just busy at work or if he’s just… pulling away.
So everything at the moment is just fucked. Absolutely fucked. And it’s just getting worse; all behind the fucking false smile I hold.
Feeling really bad, today. Woke up feeling
obscenely intolerant, didn’t want to be around anyone, was intensely down and
depressed. It took so much energy to drag myself out of bed when I just wanted
to go back to sleep and ignore everything. I wanted to get the last little bit
of my painting done, the last wall in my room since the rest is going to be
beautifully wallpapered… and it took so much energy to do that. It was less
than half a meter squared and yet I felt as if I had ran a marathon afterwards.
I’ve been stressing about my partner, Mike. I’m kind of convinced he just sees me for sex, now. I don’t think he actually loves me or anything. Maybe this is just my mind thinking against me again, maybe this is something I genuinely feel; I can’t even tell half of the time, any more. There’s no clear line; which I hate because I usually see everything in black and white. But this is unclear – is it me actually thinking and feeling that? Or is it my head messing with me some more. Because this happens so often.
Anyway, Mike was supposed to stay over last weekend, he told me he would last Tuesday, and then Friday came around and I was expecting him to tell me when he was over – and he didn’t – he just went on and on about how he was going to be staying at a mates and she was picking him up- and they were going to play in the VirtualReality thing for a while. While her boyfriend was at work. Seemed kinda fishy to me but I said nothing.
A few weeks before that, he was staying at mine, got picked up by the same girl and spent the evening there also playing Virtual Reality games… then got back to mine at gone midnight, and I was asleep. Was kinda weird and upsetting. He was supposed to be over seeing me, you know? But I’m not fun anymore, am I? I’m too broken, and he just doesn’t want to understand or learn most of the time.
He’s over this weekend and its just so exhausting. I love him, I like having him over but I just get so tired so easily and its hard to constantly pretend to be fine and I don’t sleep very well next to him anymore. I don’t know why. And he’s just popped out to help a friend move some things… and take his friends girlfriend some chocolates for her birthday tomorrow… He was saying how he couldn’t forget and yet he forgot my birthday last year and the year before. Sure, he bought me a second-hand PS4 off one of his mates for pretty cheap to supposedly make up for it, but he also forgot the last two Christmases when I’d gotten him things – with barely any money – and he works full time. I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does – it irks me.
I’m being told by a friend that the way he acts, the little things that I put down to me overthinking and overreacting are not good things – that he’s not actually good for me. And honestly, I don’t know what to think, any more. I know things that he does are damaging sometimes, and I hate to constantly wonder what he’s doing when not with me when he’s supposed to be… it makes me very paranoid, makes me very on edge and lately I’ve been obsessed with how I look. I won’t wear my new jeans because, even though they are my size, they don’t quite cover all of my hips so they stick out a little more… and I went to the length of stretching the jeans and wearing a really tight belt just to hide it. Which was uncomfortable. And I’ve been missing meals. I’ve put the tiniest bit of weight on recently and now I’m just absolutely disgusted with how I look and I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate myself all the more.
I’m over stressing and I’m over analysing things, and I am just so occupied with everything in my head that I can’t even think straight. And all I want to do is sleep so I don’t do something that messes me up even more but I can’t, because then my family will know something is wrong and start fussing and I just don’t want that. I just want to be left on my own. I just don’t want to have to do anything right now. I just want to be left. I just want to bury myself in my comforts and try and relax but I can’t.
And just a second ago I got a fleeting suicidal thought. All we’ve all been talking about this week is the possibility of Phil committing. [My Uncle]. Yet I find those very same thoughts in my head. I;ve thought about it before, extensively, actually. No solid plan, no I don’t actually entirely want to do anything like that but I’m always scared I will be pushed enough to do so. And so far I’ve thought about throwing myself into the quarry because if the fall doesn’t kill me, the water will, because I can’t swim. Or I could go to the little bridge near Peachfield Common and just… lop myself in front of a train. They have been the two strongest thoughts and most of the time it’s just out of desperation of wanting an escape route.
Today I have just had enough of everything.
I don’t want to be awake.
I don’t want to be trying.
I don’t want to be faking everything.
I want to be allowed to have a breakdown.
I want to be left alone.
I don’t want to have to keep up appearances
and get more stressed because of it.
I have had enough.
I am struggling to cope.
Having an atrocious time the past few days. My medication dose has been lowered to 10mg from 20mg to seen me off and the first few days were fine, but I’m on day 6 now and I have never been so unstable. It’s vile. For the past three days, at least, I’ve been in a far darker state of mind.
Tuesday, I was supposed to go to the Doctors for an appointment to see how I’m doing with the change in medication and generally how I am. I didn’t go. I cancelled it impulsively at a silly time of the morning. Why? I don’t know. I just did. It was like my head ruled against my better judgement and it was done before I could find the inner strength to do anything about it. So now I’ve ruined my regular schedule of seeing him, and that’s messed me up, too.
Yesterday was spent entirely in a world of my own; I barely knew what was going on. Everything seemed to be extra vivid, everything too overwhelming. It was like going through the day as a unresponsive zombie. I could barely get any sentences out straight without stumbling over letters.
Through all of that, I had to help mom; who was having a Fibromyalgia flare up. So I had to wash her hair and dry it, and put it in a braid and then paint her toenails and do all of the housework. Which is difficult when you don’t feel like your body belongs to you and you’re that spaced out that you can barely think straight, anyway.
I scarcely slept last night. This overwhelmingly low feeling had struck me, anxiety through the roof, my whole body was tense and refused to settle down. I was fixated on feeling so damn helpless, isolated; generally very weird. And I kept hearing my cat meow - my oldest cat has the most individual meow because it sounds what if imagine a half dead, desperate crow to sound like. So I got up to see if she was alright, because sometimes she meows aloud if she wants a drink or something… but she was asleep. Completely asleep. And that kept happening, all night; I could genuinely hear her meow, but she was asleep! Just something my head was conjuring up, but it was so real.
It happened again this morning. I thought my mom was calling me from the bottom of the stairs, presumably for me to help her up, so I got out of bed to go and… Well, she wasn’t there and was actually still asleep in bed. But I heard her, clear as day. It’s massively disturbing.
I’m uneasy. I’m massively on edge; I’m suddenly massively distrusting. I can barely focus. I’m uncomfortable. I’m anxious. I’m tired. I’m paranoid that my mom is talking about me, how much of a drain I am. How she needs me to get a job so she can have more money, but I can barely look after myself, let alone work. And I have to get another sick note soon otherwise the job center is going to be on my back and then mom won’t get her money and then I’ll just… I do t even know. I’m overwhelmed. I can’t cope with it. There’s too much going on and yet nothing is going on at the same time. I’m the definition of irritable. I’m obsessed with listening to all sounds until they overwhelm me, until they’d seem to get louder in my head and merge together to make this noise that I can’t do anything with except continue to focus on. Until it just stops. And the world is normal again for a while.
I’m laying in the bath to try and ground myself. Warm water usually helps when I’m overly anxious but I’m just listening to the extractor fan run like an engine constantly, like it’s intruding my head. Like it won’t shut up,I can’t block it out. It’s overwhelming. It’s making me agitated. The cars driving past outside are loud. So loud. And they only get louder as they keep going past. And then stop.
Just heard mom calling me again; she knows I’m in the bath, why does she call me now? I don’t even know if she did call me - I can’t judge whether she legitimately did or if it’s just something else my head is throwing at me today. I don’t know. It’s a shady grey area and I hate it - I like things to be black and white, yes or no. Not maybe. Not ‘i don’t know’. It agitates me, it angers me. It’s not clear and its distressing.
And the fan won’t be quiet. It’s so loud. So very loud.
I was going to shave my legs but I’m entranced by the pink plastic surrounding the razor - I hate pink. But I’m transfixed, I’m suddenly overly interested in a basic object and I can’t help it. I’ve added more hot water to my bath, trying to distract myself. It’s so overwhelming.
I’ve cut my leg. Little ones. All in lines or hatched over one another. The sting distracts me from the loud fan and the discomfort in my stomach and the buzzing in my head. I know it won’t last. It’s a false reprieve. It’s a fake promise of an oasis away from the madness. It won’t last. But that small break is so welcome.
But I’m agitated again. Because there are gaps between cuts and there aren’t enough. And now the sting is dying down and my head becomes loud again, and I can hear the cat but I don’t know if it’s real. I don’t know what to do. My eyes sting because I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, because I might wake up and things might have gotten worse. Because I’ve got to keep an eye on mom, because I’ve got to make sure my sister doesn’t throw a fit because of nothing and overwhelm her when she’s ill.
I hate having to pretend I’m fine all the time. I’m texting Mike as if all is well, as if I’m fine with everything. I’m playing happy and fine, when in reality I’m watching minute drops of blood run down my leg into the water of my bath, my eyes staring forward and my head like it’s filled to the brim with the sound of the damned extractor fan above me. He doesn’t understand anyway. He’s been having a good time on his own. Seeing friends and being a normal human being while I try and force myself to do things just to appear functional. When onsite I’m just screaming and overwhelmed and want to lash out because nobody understands, nobody gets it! And nobody will because they’re not in my head and I can’t explain.
I’m still in the bath, it’s been almost forty minutes. The water is going cold. I still can’t relax. I’m still fixated on nothing. I’m still overwhelmed by everything and nothing at the same time. I’m so agitated. I’m so tired. Why can’t everything just be quiet? Why is my breathing even so loud? Why is the cat scratching at the door? It sounds like it’s right inside of my head, so loud, so agitating, so there - and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Why won’t the fan be quiet!?
Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be like old friends I don’t even speak to any more who have become doctors and nurses and done amazing things in their lives? Why did I break? Why am I the one who failed at beginning life as an adult? Why did I have to be messed up in the head? I despise my existence, I hate that I can’t do those things, I hate myself for breaking, for not being normal. They’re all out there making a difference in the world and I’m Sat in a tepid bath trying to make sense of the noise in my head, trying to ignore the want to toss myself off of my balcony to see if I can break my legs just to have a distraction that will be long enough and last.
I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m down. I’m agitated. I’ve had enough of all the damn noise. Make it stop!
Since when did my hips get so fat? I hate everything today. Everything. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. Too loud. Too cold. Too intense. Too in my face. Too much worry. Too many panic attacks. Too much going on and yet there’s literally nothing at all happening. I’m in a quiet bathroom with nothing going on. But the loud fan and the dripping shower head and the traffic out of the window going past and the gentle sound of moving water and the cat outside the door is all so loud and too much.
[╰☆╮] Honestly, I am stressing so hard right now. My uncle has always been a little ‘screw-loose’ and we’ve always thought there was something wrong in his head but omg… He went through the mental health service as if nothing was wrong with him a few months back but ho well then they saw nothing.
He’s paranoid schizophrenic. There’s no doubt about it. He’s shouting at people, he’s convinced there are people out to kill him. He’s been carrying a fucking knife everywhere he goes. He’s off his head, he’s a danger to himself, to other people, he’s unpredictable. Like, my mom and Nan are frightened. We’re having to phone the mental health service to get him some serious damn help before he does something terrible. And honestly, I was the one to have to push for that option because my mom was gonna just wait and see how he goes. You can’t do that!
He was fucking suicidal in January, managed to get himself out of the mental health circuit somehow… and now; fucking damn. He’s just dangerous. He’s been threatening his neighbor, not eating, shouting at random people as they walk down the street, convinced they’re going to kill him. Which they’re obviously not.
Honestly, so much shit is going on at once. I’m tired - I had counselling today which just drains me… I’m trying to ween off medication so I’m feeling a little sicky and honestly… it’s just… it’s all too much. I can’t deal with it.
[╰☆╮] Been having a rather hellish time recently, if I am honest. My doctor suggested that I come off of my one medication, be clean a week and then try new ones… but I got five days in being cold turkey and it was that horrendous that I had to take half the dose, which did absolutely nothing. So I’m back on the medication, but I’ve almost ran out… so now I have to go back to the doctor and announce my absolute failure. Which is just as embarrassing as it is needed.
And to make it all worse - the idea of having to try and come off of it again is one that absolutely cripples me with anxiety and dread because, honestly, I have never felt as ill as I did then. So I am hoping… beyond hoping… that he allows me to continue on these meds instead of switching, at least for a little while.
On top of that, I have the job center breathing down my neck for another sick note and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get one. Honestly, I am just so stressed, so under pressure because mom needs the money from the jobcenter… and I don’t know if I am going to be alright asking for another sick note? Or anything…. so I am just overly stressed and honestly, I’ve been imagining myself just… jumping in front of a bus because I can’t be overly stressed and worrying about everything if I’m not conscious. Or alive, for that matter.
I’m just so … ugh. I just want time to allow myself to focus more, to do more research on whats going on in my head, to be able to focus on therapy and medications and whatever in order to begin to pave my way to recovery… without the fucking worry of money and whatever hanging over my head like an old, dead goose.
I don’t know.
Mike is over; well, he’s at work right now but he came over after work Monday, was off yesterday, is staying tonight and going home tomorrow morning - well, after work. And I just… I really just want to be left on my own, and every time he like, reaches out for me or whatever, I get really outwardly agitated and snappy. Which isn’t fair for him. Honestly, I am in just the most… antisocial mood.
[╰☆╮] Since the last time on here I have had my first successful meeting with my counselor - I have come to terms with having BPD, I have stopped my old medication of which wasn’t working and now… I am going through the whole withdrawal thing in order to go onto the next ones.
-╳- Honestly, I am just so done with all of this overwhelming anxiety and worry. I am dreading tomorrow morning at the doctors… I am dreading the vet even more. At least now we have arranged for the vet to come to us so my poor cat doesn’t have to get all worked up about being outside. Ugh. I am just… worrying so much. I’ts just a check up for her medication and she is literally amazing for her age… but you know. There’s always that worry in the back of your head… you know?
[╰☆╮] In vast contrast to earlier, I am now stressing rather severely; I have had two anxiety attacks in the past twenty five minutes and I am struggling to settle down or do anything other than pace around and gently scratch at my arms. Why? My cat has been called in for a check up tomorrow, that’s all, just a routine check up to make sure her medication is fine but now I have this idea in my head that she wouldn’t come home and that she would get too stressed and now I am just melting into a mess of emotions and everything and I cant cope.
[╰☆╮] Having quite a good day actually! Woke up really early having not slept much at all - my sister woke me up, actually, throwing a fit about something. Me and mom walked up to the shop before 08:30 and got everything done we needed to… I feel quite accomplished, actually. I managed to get some of my costume started, too but the motivation soon disappeared. Compared to lately, I’m having a good day. Just… coasting through with no mass problem.
[╰☆╮] I don’t blog as much as I used to on here - most days are the same old stuff; constant ups and downs, triggers, mood changes; literally the same old stuff.
I am still on the same medication - I know it takes time to work and whatever but honestly, I just feel no different. I am constantly exhausted, like I have run a marathon and it’s the day after… My thoughts are just as all over the place, just as volatile… My anxiety hasn’t really dulled down all that much - I still panic fiercely when I go outside, sleeping is a little harder since I am literally consumed by anxiety attacks when I try… and then other times all I do is sleep… literally 19 hours a day. If not, most days I cant go on without at least two naps… I’d literally just… go to sleep. I couldn’t function. I still cant.
Anyway. I got a phone call this morning. From a Councillor. It was a surprise… an early phone call… one I ignored on my mobile phone because unknown numbers panic me intensely… but then the women called the landline and my mother answered it - and once I knew what it was about, I was okay with talking. I have an appointment for the 6th of July. I’m not sure what to expect or think at the moment.
I have another Doctors appointment next Tuesday, too. It’s probably to see how my medication is going again, how I am generally feeling. I just panic in those situations, say the first thing in my head to make out that things aren’t that bad or whatever… but the minute i get out I wonder… why did I do that? I just… don’t talk about the things I should… about the things I really do need help with.
I cut myself, for crying out loud. But I haven’t mentioned it. I’ve put on a little bit of weight over the past two years and I am literally fixated on it - I hate it, I feel fat; I skip meals sometimes because I panic that I’m just going to get bigger. I hate the way I look. I hate all of the scars on my legs from flea bites in the past, I hate that I am always covered in scratches from when I sleep. I hate the fact I can’t see my ribs any more, I hate the fact that my hips don’t stick out as much. I’m not skinny enough any more. When I was tiny, I wanted to put on weight to be normal and now that I have I just… hate it, I really god-damn hate it. I just stand in my underwear in front of the mirror and… pick out everything I dispose about myself. Every day. Every single day.
And then there is this whole suicidal thinking thing? I mentioned that I had some thoughts but no plans. What a joke. I have thought intensely about how easy it would be to slip out one early evening and go to the Quarry and just throw myself off… because if the impact didn’t kill me, the water would. I can’t swim a stroke. And honestly, slowly drowning sounds better than constantly struggling with everything I have to keep in my head to keep everyone else happy. HOW DARE I SHOW MENTAL ILLNESS AT HOME! It will affect my sister! It will set my mother off on one of her phases! It disrupts everyone! It’s tearing them all apart! Apart from that, I also thought of going toward the common… Peachfield common, i think it’s called. There’s a little bridge there over the railway line that I’ve visited a few times… I could just sit on it… and wait for a train to come and just… slip off. The road there isn’t busy… nobody would even see.
Mike spent the weekend. Well - Saturday and Sunday night. We had been together for three years on Sunday. And honestly, I love him and send him messages and whatnot when he isn’t here - I constant;y text him in fear that he doesn’t love me any more and when I don’t hear from him I get severely panicked that he is cheating on me with someone better, someone less crazy - and then I get paranoid. To the extreme. We had a nice weekend though I spent most of it wishing he wasn’t around because I was irritable and just… hated touch or loud noises or anyone in my personal space… but I couldn’t let him know that because I don’t want any issues with things. And when I had a wobbly moment and a panic attack and just… burst into tears… you know what he said? “It’s okay, lady, its just all in your head.” And that just really… really annoyed me. Yes, it is all in my head because MY HEAD IS WHAT IS ILL. If I had leukemia or something, people would understand immediately.
Talking about Leukemia… I spent the last four days convinced I had it. For whatever reason it was this time… literally almost vomiting with panic and worry and whatever. And then I woke up this morning like; ‘haha how silly of me’. All of that unnecessary stress! It’s driving me insane, I can’t control my own damn mind!
My moods are everywhere! I cannot cope with it any more. I will wake up fine, walk into the living room and mom will be having a bad day and boom, now so am I . I literally have no emotional skin, to to speak. It’s like being the emotional equivalent of a burns victim. The smallest things just… set my mood off drastically. I’m just… over the top emotionally sensitive and most of the time it doesn’t even have a reason. I know half the time it’s all unfounded, and I consciously note it but there is nothing i can do to stop it!
I was on Facebook earlier, and I was in a really wonderful, great mood - I was doing some art, planning some sewing and then a friend of mine posted about being upset about something. And instantly, I was in the darkest depths of being down, of being fed up, of being unbearably overwhelmingly sad. This is no way to live… I can’t do anything… it’s crippling. I’m not living, I’m surviving and it’s getting even harder to do so.
Honestly, I wish I could just close myself away and quietly rot because this is no life to live. And I cant focus on trying to get better or anything when I have mom breathing down my neck every five minutes about not acting that way around my sister because she needs to concentrate on school. And yet in the same sentence she tells me I have to learn to open up to people. I can’t. I’ve always had to repress everything to keep everyone else happy and it’s eaten so much of me away that I’m not even sure it’s worth trying to salvage the rest.
I never knew how to react to things because mom could change so quickly, she was so manipulative and complex and unpredictable… and my moods and my thoughts just… followed closely behind. Now she’s happy because she’s all better and on steady medication and a life that works for her and I’m just… messed up. Not coping. Not able to express that I’m not coping. I’m so close to just… walking outside and just… not coming back. Just disappear. Maybe die.
-╳- Feeling obscenely low today. The past few days have just been… a blur, really. Mostly just trying to keep myself occupied… not really having the attention span to do anything. I was really stressed all night… I don’t know why. I couldn’t sleep. I just… lay in bed and everything around me felt wrong. So wrong.
I’m… overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts again. They wont go away. I just want to sleep. I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone. I just want… to be fucking normal. Why am I so fucked in the head? Why did the random number that called my mobile phone this morning give me an obscene panic attack… why am I just not normal? Why do I keep having these horrible dreams of being lost? Of being constantly petrified? I can’t stand it. Why am I constantly paranoid that Mike is cheating on me? That he’s way happier with someone else? Why do I have invasive thoughts telling me that now that I am a healthy weight, I’m fat?
[╰☆╮] Feeling excessively awful. Intensely down… to the point I just feel emotionally vacant. I’m numb. Cold. Very different to the anger and irritation earlier. You’d think I would be used to it all by now. I’ve been trying to pull my eyelashes out for the past ten minutes. I really want to hurt myself. I can’t get my mind off just killing myself. I mean, it would be so easy just to walk to the quarry and just… lop myself in. Even if the impact didn’t kill me, the water would. I can’t fucking swim. So I’d either die on impact of rocks and shit, or I would drown. Either way I’d get out of this shit.
[╰☆╮] I’m feeling like absolute shit. I’m down, I’m really fucking agitated, I just want to be left entirely on my own, where there is no noise and nothing to irritate me further. Everything is annoying me on an obscene level, the smallest argument between my mom and sister has me full of god damn anger.
Suicidal thoughts are back.
-╳- I’ve basically done little more than sleep the past few days. We’re talking at least 21 hours a day - sleeping. I’m exhausted, everything I do requires so much damn effort, it’s unbearable. I got really upset last night and ended up sobbing on Mike’s shoulder because I just feel so damn hopeless and… lost. It’s horrible. I don’t feel any better at all on these meds. If anything, they’re making me more depressed, I feel worse - my mood swings are still violent and it barely quells my anxiety at all…
I went to the theatre with Nan on Friday. That was good - we stayed over in a hotel; which was really comfy and nice but - well… there was a nightclub opposite and I was kept awake from 11pm until around 4:30am. So I was extra tired in the morning. But we had great fun.
Been stressing extra because a hotel we needed a refund from still hasn’t put the cash back in my bank, but now they have and it comes with an upgrade next time we book… which is good but… holy fuck we’re so behind on paying the bills now.
My head is just kinda everywhere. Ugh. I’m gonna go back to sleep.
-╳- I’ve only just managed to drag myself out of bed. Another night spent mostly laying awake. And I’m just so fucking down and agitated and augh- Mike is coming over today and as always, all he talks about is sex, sex, sex. Like, fuck off. I’m really conscious of the fact I have gone from adoring him, back to practically loathing him and being irritated by him. It’s a cycle that forever ebbs and flows.
I’m just….. I need a fucking warning label today because I have NO patience and NO effort to put a cap on my anger. I’m just - leave me the fuck alone. I’m really fucking low. I’m really fucking angry for no reason. I literally want to die. Fuck off.
-╳- Fucking stressful day. So I’ve been really drowsy today, nodded off earlier and woke up with an awful headache and feeling really spaced out. Then I started to feel okay; thought I would look up the hotel I’m mean to be staying in next week with my Nan on our theater trip to help me get extra excited… Only to find it out that it had changed hands shortly after my booking and it had turned into a complete shit hole. So I panic; because all reviews are 2/10 or less, talking about mold in the showers and shit - I cant take my 70 year old Nan somewhere like that. No chance.
So, panicked, I tried to book in with an old hotel I love; booked up. Shit. Eventually decided with mom to book up this proper nice 5* hotel to really spoil nan - you know - and apparently they’re having renovations so it’s pot luck whether we’ll get a nice new, modern room, or a shit hole. And for £116 it better be the fucking modern one. Plus they have to take £50 in float to cover any costs we incur by breathing on the wrong things.
Anyway ; it said payment would be taken immediately after booking. It still has not gone out; four hours later. I’m just casually having a little bit of a panic. Because I just want everything to go easily. Because I am already as anxious as fuck about it all - I don’t need the excessive stress so… please just let all this work out fine. Please for fuck sake.
-╳- Still completely spaced out. Kinda weird. Don’t particularly like it. It’s like being constantly disassociative. Cant fathom too much at once. Don’t really feel anything; emotion wise. Just blank. Eh. Lesse’ what happens.
-╳- First day of medication. Took it at 10:30. Spaced out as fuck. Feeling emotionally numb and really not with it. Bit of a headache. Just out of it. Probably not gonna get much done. Just wanting to sleep. Feeling sick.
-╳- Feeling like progress has been made today. I saw a better doctor, one that didn’t just push me off with the whole ‘I’m not a psychologist’ thing. I have some medication to chill me out, to see if it will help me until I get to counselling or whatever comes next. Feeling more positive that I was… I’ll admit that.
Mike was over last night, that was nice.
Got back from the Doctor, had a bath, washed my hair, changed my bed-sheets. now all I have to do, really, is water the plants and I’m good. I consider that getting rather a lot done. Going to relax this afternoon, get my replies done on my blogs, have a nap.
-╳- I’m suicidal again. I just keep picturing myself walking up the hills to the quarry and sitting on the edge, just to see if I would actually have the balls to do it.
I’m just… imagining all of these different situations I could kill myself - with things in my reach, that I could actually do.
I cut myself for relief, I couldn’t do it bad enough to die.
There’s always plenty of bleach in the house; I could always drink that.
Mom has loads of painkillers for her fibromialgia… I could see how many of those I could down before I passed out.
Maybe a combination of the above.
I could accidentally walk too slowly across the road at blind corner - there’s one down the lane… see if there was a car coming.
-╳- I’m just quietly losing my shit right now. All this stress and anxiety about going to see a doctor tomorrow is just… making me lose my fucking cool. And I sent a message to Mike telling him that things wouldn’t be half bad if I had someone to talk to about it all, and be genuine around. About how I hate that I have to constantly act like I am fine so everyone else can be happy, when I’m just fucking rotting on the inside.
You know what he said?
Maybe you should go to the doctor and get some meds.
YES. MY NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW I AM AND GET SOME SUPPORT AND SYMPATHY AND WHATEVER WILL BE SOLVED BY MEDICATION. OF COURSE.
I’m just…? Losing my fucking shit, that’s what. I cut myself in the bath, again so my thigh looks like a fucking sushi joint. I’m not unconvinced I won’t do it again later on. I’m pretty sure my laptop screen casing just broke a little more and I just…. IN A FUCKING MINUTE I AM GOING TO TOTALLY LOSE MY COOL.
Honestly, I am borderline crisis point right now but it’s just way too much hassle and way too many questions and way too much fucking fuss to call for help. because oh fuck will my family just fucking mastermind quiz me on why I’m suddenly acting like this. WELL FUCK if I didn’t have t HIDE everything maybe it would have been noted BEFORE. But when I did show it - I get SCREAMED AT BECAUSE HOW DARE I DISRUPT MY SISTER AND HER LIFE. HOW DARE I SHOW SYMPTOMS OF MENTAL ILLNESS. HOW DARE I BE ANYTHING BUT FINE.
I mean, fucking seriously, I am losing my shit right now. I am fucking. losing. my. shit.
-╳- Had a break from all of the consuming anxiety today. I was talking to moms partner, Paul, about the whole ‘cosplay prop making’ thing again, and he’s going to be renting a workshop for us so we can start it all. Which is really exciting - we’ll be doing cosplay props and custom furniture and things like that - which will definitely help in keeping my mind occupied and stuff-
On the downside, I’m still freaking out about Monday. Like, monumentally.
-╳- I am not heading for an entire weekend worth of crippling anxiety and potential self harm due to stress. Why? Because the doctor that has been sending the Universal Credit people my ‘too ill to work’ stuff, has stopped it, because it has been a while since i saw the doctor that is supposedly the one heading my case for getting help.
So now, I have to go back to him on Monday, and go over everything all over again. And honestly, even the idea of it is just… crippling me with anxiety because the last time I spoke to him, face to face, was fucking awful. Not because of the topic, but because he just didn’t listen. he was all ‘oh, I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist’ and sent me off to some other place who deal mainly with coping mechanisms for anxiety and depression - which would have been great if I wasn’t battling a thousand other things at the same time.
Honestly, getting any help from him; any referral of any kind just… It’s like drawing blood from a stone. I mean, he doesn’t even look at you when you’re talking; he’s just tapping away on the computer - and you’re in there less than five minutes. He just doesn’t give two shits.
So I’m really worked up about having to go - I’m literally going to be sick, I haven’t eaten because of the anxiety induced nausea… I’m dreading it. I won’t sleep this weekend, it will constantly occupy my mind. It’s all literally gonna be hell.
-╳- Mike messaged me. He seems okay. Who knows. I cut the shit out of my thighs in the bath - both of them, this time. Sore as fuck. I’ve also noticed I’ve been restricting my eating. I didn’t eat yesterday. I have only eaten once today. I feel so much fatter than I used to be and I absolutely hate it. I hate my hips. I hate everything about myself and that hate is only getting stronger. I mean, there’s no point me even being around.
I literally feel sick now I’ve eaten.
-╳- Mom still hasn’t spoken to me. I got a text message demanding to do her online shopping on my laptop. No. She can do it on the main computer like she always does. It’s just another ploy to get to me.
I think I’ve lost Mike. I messaged him yesterday about how I felt like everything was hopeless and there was no way out and that I was suicidal. He didn’t message me back; he read it. In fact, he didn’t answer any of my messages for the rest of the day and by the time I lay in bed ready to go to sleep, I was in full panic mode over the fact that I pushed him away and everything and now he’s going to hate me. And it kept me up all night just worrying and frantically texting him to say sorry and that I loved him in big paragraphs because, fuck, I can’t lose him!
I text him to say good morning but he hasn’t read it or messaged back or anything yet. I literally want to be sick. I am full of anxiety. I barely slept because of worry. Fuck fuck fuck. I always ruin everything for myself. Why the fuck am I like this? I’m literally obsessively checking my messages every five minutes to see if he has read it, like I have been all night .
-╳- Mom shouldn’t be long now. I typed ‘self harm’ into eBay in the hope of finding some self help book… but underneath the search bar it came up with a suggestive search of ‘razor blades’. Now I’m looking at razor blades to replace my old one.
Haha…ha… I want to fucking die.
-╳- I actually just threw up from anxiety. Mom has gone to collect Milly from school because she’s unwell - she said nothing to Nan, just ignored her. I’m dreading her coming back - Nan has left… She’s going to fucking tear into me… I’m dreading it. I’m scared. I feel ill. I feel so close to just fucking losing it. I’m scared I’m going to do something rash.
I fucking hate my life.