I don’t want to write this extremely specific fanfic of which I am the primary audience, I just want to read it.
This was so fun to think about, seriously you’re awesome and I love you anon ♥️
• *looks in the mirror five seconds after the spell hit. gasps* “I’m HIDEOUS!!!”
• Wayne Enterprises employee, smiling brightly: “Good morning Mr. Drake-Wayne. How are you today?”
- Damian: “I don’t know but you’re fired.”
• He gets so fed up with having to push Tim’s bangs from his eyes that he resorts to borrowing Cass’ sparkly butterfly hair clips to keep them up and out of his face.
• “Why am I only an inch taller than I used to be? I still can’t reach Pennyworth’s cookie jar even on my tiptoes. You need to grow more, Drake.”
• He finds out why Tim wears long sleeves so often, but he doesn’t say anything to Tim about it. He does file it away for future conversation, though, and he monitors Tim more closely even after the whole incident is over.
• “Damian, why are you chugging an entire carton of milk?”
- “Because Drake is too small for me to tolerate any longer. I’m a beanpole. A toothpick. A runt amidst a litter of bats.”
• *goes outside for an hour* “HOW THE HELL AM I SO SUNBURNED??? WHAT ARE YOU, A VAMPIRE???”
• He’s sad when his pets don’t recognize him and run when he tries to pet them. As a solution, he douses his entire body in catnip. Turns out Tim never told him he was allergic to catnip, so that was an interesting discovery.
• He has to drink at least four cups of coffee a day or else he gets sick because at this point Tim is addicted to coffee.
- Same goes for normal food. Eating ramen noodles with goldfish and butterscotch pudding is fine, but he ate one (1) apple and his body tried to reject it.
• Ives: “Hey Timbo, what’s up?”
- Damian: “Uh….Hello, associate of mine. Feeling very fleek today. Everything is cool beans. Crackalackin.”
• “Why are my pecs so huge.” *cups them* “They feel like rock hard muscle melons. Like a cantaloupe filled with pure power. What strong breasticles.”
• He’s amazed by the amount of muscle on Jason’s body and spends most of his time trying to see what stuff he can crush with his bare hands.
- *breaks a stick in half* “I AM ALMIGHTY.”
• He braids Jason’s white streak and pins it back with some pink hair clips Steph gave him.
- *poses in the mirror* “I’m a buff zombie princess.”
• *on the phone with Roy* “Hey Roy, so remember that secret I told you once and demanded you never to tell anyone else? Yeah, that one. Would you mind explaining it to me in explicit detail, slowly so I can write it all down.”
• *gentle gasp* “I’m allowed to drink alcoholic beverages in this body.”
- *later that night after his fifth shot of appletini* “DO YOU EVER JUST THINK ABOUT THE MUPPETS AND CRY??? KERMIT THE FROG MAN, KERMIT THE FROG.”
• He has to wear sunglasses and a hat whenever he goes out because he has to make sure no one in Gotham recognizes the late Jason Todd.
• The first time he sees what Jason’s body really looks like under all the armor and layers, he’s shocked. Jason doesn’t take his shirt off in front of people much because he’s embarrassed by all the scars. Tim tries not to look at them because he knows Jason doesn’t like sharing this detail with anyone, but occasionally he finds himself absently tracing the autopsy scar under his shirt. He has a new respect for Jason after this whole ordeal.
• “I feel like an overcooked noodle.”
• Adjusting to how flexible Dick is turns out to be quite the experience. He does the splits with no problem. He swings from a tree branch and lands on the ground as fluid as a leaf. He does four backflips in a row.
- Jason, cartwheeling through the room: “Watch as he flips with the greatest of ease, the rad noodle man on the flying trapeze.”
- Dick, in his tiny Damian voice: “That’s not even how the song goes!”
• “Why does my mouth taste like ketchup and ice cream 24/7. What do you eat, Dick.”
• At first he thinks it’ll be nice for once, being able to walk around Gotham without worrying about people recognizing him as being a dead man. Turns out, it’s almost worse when he can’t go to a McDonald’s without a bunch of paparazzi and fan girls following him around and begging to take a picture with the hottest Wayne boy.
• He goes to the police precinct for work and is on edge the whole time because this is the first time in years he’s been surrounded by cops who don’t want to arrest him.
• Catcaller: “Hey, nice ass!”
- Jason: “Thanks, I got it from my brother!”
• Dick from the next room: “If you smoke in my body and give me cancer I’ll kill you!”
- Jason, with a lit cigarette in his mouth: “It’s a metaphor, you see. I died once and I’ll die again because I’m not a fucking coward.”
• After he’s back in his own body: “Hey, I wonder if I can still do all that flipsy shit.”
- Later: “So, Master Jason, tell me again how you shattered your collarbone?”
• He eats one (1) cheeseburger, but unfortunately forgot about Damian being vegetarian so he winds up getting violently sick because the body he’s in doesn’t accept meat anymore. So that was a learning experience.
• “Why does it physically hurt to smile. Who hurt you, Damian.”
- “A bunch of assassins and a psychopath for a grandfather.”
• Damian may be athletic, but he’s nowhere near as stretchy as Dick is used to. He tries putting his leg behind his head and nearly breaks his pelvis.
- One upside is he’s far smaller and lighter in Damian’s body, which makes swinging around on the trapeze a breeze. He’s like an Acrobat Barbie doll.
• He has to call Tim for help when he can’t reach his cereal on the top shelf.
- Tim, walking into the kitchen half asleep and confused: “Are you one of Santa’s elves?”
- Dick, sobbing on the floor: “I CAN’T REACH MY FRUITY PEBBLES”
• He starts crying again later that afternoon because “THIS WEAK ASS BODY CAN’T EAT SRIRACHA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW???”
• He stands in the middle of the room and watches all the adults bustle around: “I am a bean. A tiny chihuahua. A mere flea in a world of elephants and woosles.”
• “If there is one upside to all of this body-swapping, at least I can finally use the Dora the Explorer baby toothpaste without being ridiculed.”
• Jon: “Hi, Dami! What’s up?”
- Dick: *to himself* “Hmmm what would Damian say…Oh, I know!”
- To Jon: “Salutations, comrade. Photosynthesis. Lackadaisical. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”
the main posts in the introvert tag are so dark and depressing. i just want to find relatable posts about wanting to curl up under the blankets after too much social interaction and needing to recharge like I’m a battery
a friend just called me and left me a voice mail. we haven’t talked in awhile, and she’s not a big fan of texting - even if she’s never outright said it. i need to call her soon but I’ve been working all afternoon and night. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit through a long conversation.
Still, I feel like i should, even if everything part of my body is telling me to rest. I think I’m going to try calling her tomorrow?? social situations are hard and really should be taught in school
My usual retort to people who don’t want “universal healthcare/education/basic income/etc.” under the pretense that “the rich shouldn’t have access to it” is that it’s cheaper to just give it to everyone no-question-asked than to try and judge every single case just to exclude a tiny minority of them.
But this tweet thread? This right there? That’s a damn powerful argument. Something that can actually convince people emotionally, more than my cynical, it’s-cheaper-that-way, pragmatic approach.
I’ll keep it, and I’ll re-use it, because it’s with thread like this that you change the world, one opinion at a time.
the worst kind of narrative a lot of sherlock holmes adaptations fall into is when a holmes provides a bare minimum apology/exclamation of friendship to watson and this tiny action is always framed like some amazing growth of character while the watson is disproportionately grateful to accept these crumbs of appreciation. it’s from an early episode but this is one of the top scenes in elementary because it rejects that unhealthy dynamic. this watson had the agency to tell holmes that this kind of pathetic gesture was simply not enough this time (or any time), and it opened the the door to far more complex character/relationship development
Tumblr banned porn almost a year ago and in it’s wake has arisen the “tender, longing, aching” text post genre that you see today
the jerk-off market is low, but the emotionally horny market is high and as vaguely impotent as ever
we are already living in the cyberpunk future and i know this because within a span of 3 days we went from this tweet:
to thousands of people making phony images and replying to them with their passionate desire to have them as a tshirt to overload the bots with nonsense and junk and send out warnings to shoppers like this:
and now we even have people replying to pictures of baby yoda with “i want this on a tshirt” knowing how ravenous disney is being with copyright in hopes to get the stores taken down altogether
i dont know what it is about stuff like this and the whole turn mei into a symbol of hk protesters thing but, its really reassuring for some reason
And the next step…
Holy shit y’all look at the front page of the site right now
Oh my god
Anyway, I just emailed email@example.com to report the site for very evilly stealing Disney’s IP! Because obviously that is very evil and bad and shit.
I’ve never seen such a perfect example of fighting fire with fire.
Holy fucking shit
me @ age 7
i think its very sexy how millennials are very anti-ad. like. ads were invented to encourage us to buy stuff. but me and all my friends? if we see an ad for something it fills us with rage. a pure hatred. if you interrupt my twitch stream or my stupid TV show for you stupid product i will hate you product for the end of time. i will spit on it whenever i see it. your ad doesn’t work on me. it doesn’t make me want to buy your shitty thing. it makes me want to piss on your shitty thing. fuck you ad companies.
the magicians, also known as the show where i keep crushing on all the women in the main cast
hi im gay for high king margo
“It became a labor of love. It’s only the second time in my life as a performer that I’ve really committed my entire body and my entire mind to it. It reminded me why I love acting so much. It was a hugely affirming challenge for me. It was the hardest I’ve ever worked on the show. It was intoxicating. I still can’t believe it happened.” - Summer Bishil for EW