It’s been 1-Year since we lost Dave, my stepdad, in what could only be described as a nightmare. I think about him every single day. It feels like just yesterday we were hanging out - us four, my mom, Dave, Chris, and me. I miss him every single day. And every single day I wonder “what if”. Did you know? Victims of death by suicide are overwhelmingly white (7 out of 10), male and are between the ages of 45 and 65. Utah ranks number FIVE in suicides, NUMBER FIVE out of fifty states.
The rest of what I have to say is something I hope many will read and try to think on. I’ve put together some requests because while I realize I don’t have to talk about it, I NEED to talk about it. I feel a duty to talk about it. I just needed time, 1-Year to be exact.
Request Number 1) Please think before you judge someone for sharing with others their traumatic events or scary feelings, sharing and talking about it is how we understand it, learn from it, and hopefully if we can, prevent it. Please do not assume that when people speak out about their traumas that it is any less traumatic than those who suffer in silence, it is widely thought that only those who are silent harm themselves but this isn’t always true, those who suffer in silence sometimes take their life and we are left wondering how we possibly couldn’t have seen it, but so have people who have spoken up - the difference is that when people speak up we have a better chance of trying to help them. So it’s so damn past time to encourage silence by shaming, which is what you do when you judge people speaking out.
Request number 2) What I have to say might sound contradictory, but it’s the balance that we have to find - don’t be afraid to have conflict with your loved ones if it means speaking the truth. Be tactful, but be honest. Conflict is a necessary step towards resolution and communication sometimes. We need to not be so afraid to speak up. And on the same token, keep love, sympathy, patience, and forgiveness in your heart because the truth is, you never know when you will be seeing someone for the last time on this Earth.
Request Number 3) Please stop perpetuating the idea that therapy or counseling means you are weak or “need someone to tell you how to feel” or that it’s only to dig up painful memories - this is NOT the purpose of good therapy or counseling. We are not given all of the tools in life to cope and learn, we do not shame people for seeking a coach for a sports team, we do not shame someone seeking a real estate agent to buy a home, we do not shame people for hiring a plumber to clear their pipes. These people are here to aid us because it is their specialty in an area we might not always possess the tools for. A counselor, doctor, therapist, they simply specialize in areas we all can use help in. We HAVE to normalize mental health. If you’ve had a bad experience with a counselor, I encourage you to seek another - find out what works for you, find out what their specialties are and see who fits your personality and needs.
Request Number 4) While I never want anyone to be afraid to ask the hard questions or speak the vulnerable feelings, and know that while we HAVE to talk about this stuff - please, please forgive yourself for not knowing when someone could go there, please forgive yourself for not being able to save someone, please give yourself the space for being human and know that sometimes, life and what others choose to do is out of your control.
And so, here I am, trying to talk about it because I HAVE to - this isn’t about want no one WANTS to have to deal with this stuff, but we HAVE to, we have to talk about this. We HAVE to stop shaming men (everyone). I’m not saying to stop requiring respect and equality, but we have to stop shaming feelings, crying, seeking professional help, and mental illness for anyone, but we especially need to pave the way for young boys to grow up expressing themselves and not repressing themselves. We have to stop being “polite” and avoiding the hard things to talk about. If you’ve read this far, thank you for even doing that. I hope this can resonate in a good way for even just one person. I’m here to honor you, Dave. I am so, so sorry, more than you will ever know.
Ironically, May is #MentalHealthMonth please call or text your friends or family when in need, text or call me, and also call or text 1-800-273-8255.
I feel everything and nothing at all
I feel the weight of lives I haven’t even lived
I feel the weight of phantom people who aren’t in my life and people I’ve never met
I have it all and I feel I’m missing something
I feel everything and I feel nothing at all
The thing with depression is that you never know how valid the thoughts are, if it’s just your “depression” talking
All of these phantom people, alternate lives, feelings
- One of the first women to start her own independent production company.
- Earned her way to stardom without sleeping with executives for roles.
- Refused to date people for publicity just because 20th Century Fox wanted her to.
- Left 20th Century Fox because she refused to let them get away with treating her badly and paying her a tiny wage, just because of her “dumb blonde” image.
- Was only paid a fraction of her co-star’s wage even though she was the star of the movies and the biggest box office pull, but still went ahead with the movies because she was so passionate about acting.
- Studied method acting at the Actors Studio with Lee Strasberg, who said that she was one of his best students along with Marlon Brando.
- Had a personal library of over 500 books and rarely read fiction - she was desperate to learn and educate herself.
- Was sexually abused as a child but then went on to encourage the sexual liberation of women in the 1950s.
- One of the first people to speak openly about sexual abuse.
- One of the first people to openly support gay rights.
- Supported many charities such as the Milk Fund, March of Dimes, Arthritis and Rheumatism foundation.
- Donated her time and money to these charities.
- Visited orphanages and hospitals on her own time to surprise the people there.
- Married one of the greatest literary minds of the 20th century
- Suffered two miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy and still put on a brave face for her fans.
Sorry, did you say she wasn’t a role model?
marilyn is my biggest role model so don’t even go there
and let’s not forget this
Ella Fitzgerald was not allowed to play at the popular Mocambo, in Hollywood, because of her race. Marilyn, who loved her music and supported civil rights, called the owner of the Mocambo and told him that if he booked Ella immediately, she would take a front table every night. The owner said yes, and Marilyn was there, front table, every night. After that, Ella never had to play in a small jazz club again.
“She was an unusual woman – a little ahead of her times. And she didn’t know it.” - Ella Fitzgerald about Marilyn Monroe
But what does history remember her for?
It’s in my writing that I know you
I see you, I always see you
You play many roles in my dreams, always changing
In my heart, I will keep you safe
Alpine Lake :)
Obligatory swimsuit picture at #AlpineLake #Happy4th #Merica #curvesfordays#curvy #curvybody #curvygirls #bigboobs
Till death do us part! 🍻 👭
It’s only two months, but man am I going to miss you :( I’m so happy we have so many memories together, one day we’ll write them down. Last night was everything to me, I’m so PROUD of you, you’re such an inspiration to me, Kellie. Truly. Have so much fun in China you beautiful, wonderful, adventurous, loving, hot, smart sister lovely of mine! #woesme #chinaneedstheirmissingasian #cheese
He is completely incredible. He was a huge part of accepting/dealing with my depression, it was hard for me because I couldn’t understand how everyone thought I was a happy person, that I myself felt like a mostly happy and positive person, but that I could and started experiencing these low lows. There was a time when I felt like that made me weak, that I could no longer be happy, bubbly Michaela. Reading about his struggles with depression when he’s viewed as a happy, comedic person I realized the people who find humor in the darkest and most morbid of places learned a valuable survival skill, they don’t “hide” behind humor–thought at times they might, they deal with the hard things in life through laughter, they know that no matter what laughter, fun, love can pull you out, or at least sometimes. He among other people and circumstances made me feel proud to be a “funny, happy” girl and also proud to be a girl who feels things verrryyy deeply and for a very long time, because I am those things; happy, bubbly, sad, struggling, accepting, morbid, funny, and because I knew his secret and he mine, that some of the most complex and wonderful people try to bring out the very best of life in everyone around them as a quality, as a survival tactic, as a way to cope, and because it feels good. I felt like this whole complex life thing might actually lead me to some great places and it has. I felt like these “funny” people were really some of the most fascinating people out there, they’d seen things and it takes a keen Eye to see past the bubbly and the humor. It’s a shame that we’re all so afraid to talk about our struggles, because it sure does help others.