Question: Nothing you post will ever be funnier than Fox marrying Palpatine, divorcing him, and taking all his money. the reason I find it so funny is because Sheev would 100% marry Fox, Fox knows all the skeevy shit he gets up to, he can’t let him testify against him if he ever ends up in court
alright pack it in everyone i have PEAKED
ok so imagine: Fox is Stressed to the fucking breaking point, and it’s at least 80% palpatine’s fault, so he comes up with this bullshit idea while drunk, to marry the asshole and then CLEAN HOUSE. and once fox decides that he’s going to do something, he’s gonna fucking do it, no matter how absurd. he’s scarily persistent and freakishly creative, he’ll make it work.
So when Fox starts hate-flirting with palpatine and leaving him suggestive notes, ol’ Palps sees an opportunity to tie up a potentially dangerous loose end- Fox and the other high-ranking officers of the Coruscant Guard don’t have chips, because Palpatine might need them to be doing something else during Order 66, and he needs at least some personal elite troops who absolutely can’t be compromised by the wrong person finding the wrong database in his secret files. But at the same time, that means that he’s relying on loyalty- to the republic, or to him, personally, to control them. He’s done a pretty good job with most of the command officers, little favors and gifts, smiles and recognition for their work, “oh certainly i can make sure your friend gets transferred to coruscant”, or providing a fund to keep 79′s open. That sort of thing.
But Fox? That motherfucker knows his internet history, so when when Fox starts hitting on him with all the subtlety of an orbital strike, Skeevy Sheevy fucking JUMPS ON that shit. Flirting back even harder, setting up elaborate secret dates, showering Fox in expensive gifts. Fox is like “holy shit this asshole must be really fucking lonely if he’s this easy” and amps up his romantic efforts to take advantage. Sheev is thinking “wow this poor naive fool is so easily manipulated, i have his heart on a string” and they’re both just constantly one-upping each other with ridiculous over-the-top romantic gestures.
They’re going on dates and calling each other disgusting pet names like “sheevy-bear” and “my silver fox” within a week. Sheev uses what he thinks are sophisticated terms of endearment, Fox has to bite his tongue to keep from losing it on their “dates”. Fox meanwhile is just trying to see how ridiculous he can make his pet names, and the answer is pretty fucking ridiculous because the chancellor is just eating that shit up.
Palpatine proposes about three months into their mutual charade. Fox gets all weepy and cries when he accepts, partially because he’s a good actor, and partially because he really is quite stressed, ok. and he has no trouble acting elated and happy because he had no idea it would be this easy, he was expecting to be playing the long game for at least a year and a half. Palpatine is just eager to lock this down. keep your enemies closer, and all that. Plus, with all the fake dating they’ve been doing, Fox now knows MUCH more than just his internet history. He agrees to whatever ridiculous bullshit Fox demands for their wedding, because he just wants to get this official as soon as possible, and he’s supposed to be in love with this moron, so he just says yes to whatever Fox suggests. “Yes dear of course we can have pink carnations at the wedding. Yes of course we can import the cake from a hostile planet. Yes of course we can conduct the ceremony underwater and in zero-g, i agree it would be very romantic. yes of course i’ll sign this absurdly detailed pre-nup, whatever you want, my darling sexy fox.”
Fox has to disguise his tears of laughter as tears of happiness during the (secret, but still legally binding) wedding. Palpatine let him hire a screamo band and fox is wearing a neon orange suit, and Palpatine is trying to come up with something nice to say about the troop of interpretive dancers that Fox insisted on, and Fox is living.
Fox lets it last a month and a half- just long enough for them to go on their incredibly lavish, luxurious honeymoon cruise, which, despite the presence of Palpatine, is very relaxing, thank you very much. They return to coruscant, Fox takes a few weeks to himself, making sure he’s got himself a good lawyer, and then fucking TAKES THAT BASTARD TO COURT. Palpatine is completely blindsided, and now he has to salvage this situation, because if he doesn’t (and it’ll be hard- Coruscant allows no-fault divorce) then Fox gets EVERYTHING- all his money, all his assets, all his property on Naboo, his ships, his fucking wardrobe, and wait, has that clause really been in there the whole fucking time? his emergency powers as chancellor (Fox put that in there for a laugh, he really thought Palpatine would have at least skimmed the thing before signing it, right?).
So Palpatine is freaking out, trying to figure out what made Fox fall out of love with him, try to fix it, and simultaneously try to spin the media in his favor, because oh boy, Fox is NOT being quiet about this and now the Chancellor’s whirlwind romance and collapsing marriage is Trending on space-twitter and dooku is leaving him messages going “?????” . So the news networks are all broadcasting footage of Palpatine in the courtroom, begging Fox to take him back, sobbing (fake) tears of heartbreak, and Fox (who can’t resist drama) crying “you could NEVER truly love me, I see that now, marrying you was a MISTAKE”
Palpatine is grinding his teeth and seething inside at having to act the heartbroken Remorseful Husband for Fox, and for the public, meanwhile Fox is having the time of his fucking life. He lets the drama drag on a bit, waffling back and forth about whether to go through with the divorce (publicly- of course he’s still divorcing the bastard, he just wants to see him suffer first). he’ll give an interview one day where he’s crying gently and talking about the “love we used to have, he used to be so sweet, but now he’s just cold” and then talking about all the sweet things his “sheevy-bear” has done for him (palpatine has resolved to murder Fox, quietly but very painfully, for putting those pet names in intergalactic news. Fox is doing it on purpose). He lets it almost seem like he’s talked himself out of the divorce, and yes, Marlene, maybe there is a chance he could make it up to me, Then the next interview he gives he’ll trounce on camera, wearing the most expensive fur coat palpatine has ever given him (over his armor, he can be somewhat professional) and raging about how “I could never love that bastard” and “he hurt me, i can barely even stand to see his FACE” and “good riddance to bad trash!”
After a few weeks of jerking Palpatine (and the raptly attentive public) back and forth, Fox gets down to business and finalizes the divorce. In the end, there’s very little palpatine’s lawyers can do, that pre-nup is airtight. including the bit about his emergency powers. So overnight, Fox becomes incredibly rich, incredibly powerful, and also the supreme commander of the GAR. how about that. And hmm what’s in these computer drives I legally own now? What’s this about contingency orders? oh YIKES. and oh, look at that, decades of records of bribery, corruption, and- hey, is this a chat log of texts with count dooku?
Fox orders Palpatine’s arrest two days after the divorce. Palpatine tried to go into hiding, but it’s hard when your ex-husband now owns all your ships. and your house. and your clothes. Palpatine is crying for reals as he is is escorted off to jail. The great Sith Lord, done in by a foolish love-struck clone (does he ever figure out that Fox was just yanking his chain for stress relief? I choose to think Not).
Fox proceeds to fix everything, end the war, clone rights, ban leafblowers, yadda yadda. He retires to cruise the galaxy in his very nice space yacht. He also keeps the fur coat.