I have had really weird experiences (moods? idk what to call it) but coming back here to SJ for this sem. I left SoCal yesterday afternoon. I’m in a weird state of I guess realizing if I have been seeming as though I am entitled? That’s not an attitude I want to convey but I worry, now, that maybe that’s a vibe that I’m giving off and it, in a way, turns off others. If so, I kind of want to fix that and also just fix myself as a person in general. I also am debating in wanting whether or not to deal with my mom (who is in her own state of stresses) when it comes to her dealing with both my brother and my dad back home. She says I need to be more compassionate especially with my dad as he’s been really sick with dialysis. To guilt trip me even more, she says the same to her because I don’t know if that’s the last time I’ll see them and whatnot. The thing is, I’m trying not to think so pessimistically and at the same time it’s very difficult for me to do so. I feel as though it is starting to affect my everyday actions.
For example, grocery shopping today. First, at Lion Market, I’m in line and this middle aged guy kept invading my personal space, while I was paying and I guess that sorta ticked me off, but not a lot. Secondly, at Walmart. Granted, that Walmart is always packed and I chose to go midday on a Saturday. So I’m in the cosmetics department looking for eyeliner and there’s these two asian ladies looking for stuff and I went around the aisles as I had a cart and it was bulky and the aisles were small. Eventually one of the ladies moved my cart and I already had an annoyed attitude and she said sorry so I guess that was okay, and I let it go. The counter was quite slow at the cosmetics so I got a bit impatient and asked one of the girls working if I had to buy it at the cosmetics area (one time I got away with paying for my makeup at the front) or if I could just purchase it at the front. She had this awkward tone and said uhhh you have to pay for that here and I said oh okay, thanks. So I waited, and I forget but there was this one asian lady in a short sleeve dress (all dressed up nice at a Walmart basically) and wearing heels or whatever and I guess I got too close to her a couple times (kind of difficult to control the cart when there’s a bunch of people) so she would stick her hand out in front of the cart. However, she was also taking a long time to walk and I was trying to finish my errands asap. Eventually as soon as there was an opening I decided to speed up and lowkey aggressively push my cart past her. I’m pretty sure she noticed and almost stopped in her tracks when I went past her, and yeah it was lowkey a dick move but I was already hella annoyed. Like lady, communicate instead of rudely sticking your hand out like that. I was paying attention to where I was going and also passively going around people. Eventually I almost accidentally hit this old guy, which was my karma in a way but whatever. Then after I was done with getting everything, I was checking my phone and this lady is saying watch out and I didn’t realize she was talking to me and I said sorry but she had no right to give me such a look, but I also felt the same way with that other lady so I understand why she did. However, she also could have moved her cart over since there was space but whatevs. At the checkout counter, I was paying and I guess the people behind me were looking at me weirdly, I guess wondering why I didn’t multitask and put the stuff in my cart right away? Or maybe I looked weird IDK. The lady at the counter was not paying attention and kinda randomly put my stuff in the bag so it didn’t sit well, so I spent a couple minutes reorganizing the bag in the cart.
Overall, it was a day and next time I go grocery shopping I probably shouldn’t do so on an empty stomach. I want to fix my bad habits especially with my attitude. I wonder if the team (particularly the boys) think the same, and I wonder if that’s what’s preventing me from making closer friendships with people here at school. I know for sure at home, for me right now everything is too chaotic (I know my mom is probably experiencing worse but that’s on her especially because she does not take care of herself when she should be), so it’s difficult for me to tell her everything and express myself and get myself to be more motivated. I might go to CAPS at school, I’ve been considering it since break, but I’m not sure if I want to just yet, so we will see. I’m writing this to monitor my actions and moods. I hope this will help me change my ways as this semester progresses and here on out. I guess in short, my goals right now, try to be more aware of my resting bitch face and to have a more (genuine) less pessimistic outlook. Be less “entitled” in attitude that my mom keeps mentioning she sees in my brother and father. That’s another thing too actually, the more my mom mentions qualities that she says “oh you are so like your dad” and that really bugs me. The problem with my mom is that she points out that quality and she’s always critical. This makes me not want to listen to her and in turn, the quality worsens, so I tried telling her not to tell me that she says that or else it imposes on me even more (which is true in my eyes). She can’t say many negative personality qualities about herself, yet she’s quick to do so on other people. That’s another thing with her, but I have to find some way that can get me out of this funk I don’t even know what to call.
So here’s to a new semester and hopefully one of much needed dramatic (but slow) improvement socially, mentally, and academically.