second-year at kyoto magic technical college & number one gojo stan, miwa kasumi ♡
I can’t stop binging I wanna cry
In my grandparents’ time, it was believed that spirits existed everywhere… in trees, rivers, insects, wells, anything… I like the idea that we should all treasure everything because spirits might exist there, and we should treasure everything because there is a kind of life to everything. — Hayao Miyazaki.
scenery in SPIRITED AWAY / 千と千尋の神隠し
2001 | dir. Hayao Miyazaki / 宮崎 駿
please don’t read if suicide and eating disorders are a touchy subject for you.
its been a long time since I’ve been on here. it seems like just yesterday I was a hopeless 14-year-old with the ambition of being beautiful. now I’m 15 and still quite fat. I find myself wondering where things went wrong. I used to be able to fast for days and count my calories. now all I want to do I die and eat. how could I have done this to myself? I epically screwed up my health by purging and I’ve gained over 30 pounds (let’s keep in mind that I was never underweight). and all this time I was trying to be realistic with myself. saying things like “starving yourself won’t help in the long run” or “its better to lose the weight once and never gain it back”. I’m so stuck. my parents got me a personal trainer. gosh, look at how pathetic am i. and I haven’t lost jack shit. I’m lazy and I can’t find the motivation to workout. it’s just pointless to me. I want to lose weight. but I also just want to lay in bed and not do anything. lives been hard since I started high school. I’ve gained 10 pounds and my first term GPA was horrific. I lost almost all my middle school friends and I made no friends in the clubs I joined. I’ve been bullied (for the first time in frover). I tried killing myself over the summer and used up all my pills. my life is going downhill. why is it that people are so horrible. better to just say it to my face then whisper it behind my back. and the way people treat me makes me doubt myself. ‘am I really funny?’ ‘am I really this fat?’ ‘there just calling me smart to be nice… it’s not like they actually mean it’. but some good things came out of it. I’m closer with my parents, I got closer with important people and called out shit ones, made friends in my honors English class which I thought would be impossible. and most important I told everyone who ever made me hate my self to FUCK OFF. so at the end of the day, I guess I’m at a happy-sad medium. maybe ill live it out. let’s see what 2020 has in store. until next time.
- the girl who tried dowing herself in the ocean, RRM
ive literally gained so much weight im actually losing hope and considering other options
this is so sad and difficult i just wanna die
if this is to touchy for you please scroll i don’t wanna offend anybody just thought i would try to helpbe out some bulimics and there teeth. this has even got me purging less.
but does anyone else chew and spit? so i get that some people say your more likely to just swallow it. but i’ve finally figured it out and it’s so amazing! so when i find myself hungry where are some steps i take to properly chew and spit! :(
1. pick food that takes you a long time to chew (this is because the longer you chew the more aware you become about the fact that you are not going to swallow it immediately)
2. you need something like a plastic baggie or some container which you were going to throw out soon. you’ll spit into this because you don’t want anyone to see chewed up food in the trash can. so spitting into like an old box of bel vita cookies which is empty and then throwing it away won’t raise concerns.
3. waterrrrr. not to necessarily drink but to rinse your mouth so your not swallowing and small particles of food. through your session constantly rinse your mouth out.
4. some things i like to do to prep is drink a bunch of water until my stomach hurts or i feel rather full. because if im starting to feel full i can just avoid the entire session which is a very big time saver in my opinion.
IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER*
~ do it when no one is around for sneak level 100 to be achieved lol sksksk
~ this is a much better alternative to purging because it spare your eshoupgas and basically does no harm
~ use sparingly and if this is not your style just don’t remember any of this information!
~ IF YOU ARE HUNGRY PLEASE JUST EAT!
~ if you have any questions please feel free to message me! i will try to respond as soon as i can (it’s not like im that busy anyway)
- Dearly the saddest girl in the world, RRM
track season really had me of track because i wanted proper energy and i genuinely thought i was getting better and building a decent relationship with food and starting to figure things out. but I’m laughing at the fact that i ever thought like that. i confessed to a good frined of mine about what was happening and how lost i felt and she explained to me that scientifically stress and emotionally eating are not real things and they are just coping meachniams we make up. i am starting to understand that the reason ive gained weight is not that im “emotional eater” it’s the fact that eating is my coping mechanism. and my life is such an emotional roller coaster. ive destroyed my body with yo yo dieting and the two fingers of my right hand. my solutions are no longer reasonable. my dear friend also explained that if i have made binging a habit then it’s almost impossible to break unless im willing to sit through the discomfort. ive been keeping her advice in my mind. but i don’t really believe ive ever had an eating disorder. maybe i just have tendencies. it’s not that i don’t want to label myself. but a girl like me doesn’t have time for an eating disorder. straight A, indian, class clown wanna be. im never gonna make it to my paradise and when i do ill be dead. but im gonna work hard to lose weight and love my body. not matter what. because i did this to my body so it is within my best interest to fix things before they get out of hand.
~ Yours truly the girl who eats cloud, RRM
Reblog this for luck in love, for Venus to watch over you & to be able to find yourself & others who are good for you.
Reblog to imbue love in your current relationships, to assist in finding a new one, to help heal from past ones & in order to obtain a loving and committed relationship.
Reblog in order to maintain, reblog to persevere, reblog to commit, seek loyalty, and to love wholeheartedly.
Reblog for love for the years to come. Reblog for the love you want. Reblog in hopes of a fairytale, reblog to make that dream come true.
Reblog for love, for me, & for you.
Okay so I’m on a retreat and it’s not that hard to restrict because we have to buy our own food and like I don’t wanna buy stuff so I bought like apples and low calorie stuff and I’m probably gonna get some diet cokes or something but I think I’ll try to stick to water for the most part. Anyway I can’t weight my self but this morning I was four pounds down so I’m content.
i literally only at fruits and veggies today and managed to gain weight i actually want to punch my metabolism in the friging face ughhhhh
hi there I’m ruth
I’ve been searching for a buddy and no one ever replies which makes me really sad so anyway here are some things about me u don’t have to fit any of these just something we could talk about
- im 14
- live with my parents
- i love writing
- i love video games
- indie music is my lifeeeee
yeah so that it please dm me :)