@mycollectioncloud

Anxiety is
Fear of opening planner
Be accountable

Accountability is real
Trying to become less afraid of it
But in unwinding myself
To find awareness

I have left all threads untied
Flowing in the wind
In search of the next pattern
They’ll be precisely and Universally woven into

Anxiety can be caused by:
Over stimulation
Traumas
Imbalance of chemicals
…surely more.

Slowly healing, knowing time will help
But also wondering if
Maybe, just maybe
A chemical imbalance could be affected
By us pretending to be what we aren’t…

Hear me out–it’s just a theory
Like if a firefighter’s adrenaline is just what they need
Or a lawyer’s pre-trial stress and excitement will balance them
An artist’s need for uncertainty
Yet each of these people are under-stimulated…

Hiding in an office
Or maybe working on their dreams
Of which will balance them out with the chemicals their bodies make currently
Resulting in an unbalance because they
Have not yet gotten to that physical state…

Where what their bodies have been over or under-producing
Has not yet been balanced by the way
Their time has been tided
We have so much to learn about ourselves
It’s interesting to speculate in the meantime…

The oh-so-familiar feelings of anxiety
Fill my chest
Even at the thought of
Starting on something

Even if I already started it
No stranger to new here
So this makes no sense
Especially when

It will help me grow and progress
So why then
Do I feel this way?
When it’s what I’ve wanted all along…

For so long.
I know I’m capable
I know I’m willing
I know I’m going to enjoy the process

It will help me grow and progress
So why then
Do I feel this way?
When it’s what I’ve wanted all along…

Anything you think about, energy is dedicated to.
If you think of something that bothers you
And stew over it for a while

That energy builds up.
You can’t help but wonder what it could’ve gone to instead.
Then you wonder how and why you got into the position you are currently in.

Except when you later realize what you thought didn’t happen, did.
Quite a while ago.
And had such little impact on you, you almost rather it didn’t happen at all.

Muscle atrophy has occurred
Only been about a year
Will go on some walks
But always stay near

My body is broken
In strong sorts of ways
Let go of the physical for now
It’s time for mental healing to play

Sweet little human,
Sleepy divine.
Coast off to your dreamland–
Things will be just fine.

So tuck yourself in,
Rest your head.
Sleep until the morning–
To forget your existential dread.

Seeing so many people happy together
Getting married, having children.
Genuinely am happy for them

Is it wrong that I don’t want those same things?
Not against love by any means…
It’s just never been important–at least that’s what it seems

Learning, yearning, ready to run
I need to get out
Need to have some fun

I can see it happening
Getting more clear
I’m going stir crazy

Though the end is near
Nothing to worry with–just trying to be patient
You can do this, time is adjacent

Sitting in this space
Having just about everything I could want or need
Yet still feeling empty
As if something deeper is missing
Trying not to let quarantine get the best of me
Could it be something to do with my life’s meaning?

Love…a complex emotion
Means something different for each person
Something most crave
Can make you feel the most fulfilled
Or the most empty
Depends on how deep you’d like to go

Cracking, breaking, creaking
Under the pressure
Slowing down
Collapsing within myself
Nothing is happening
Where does it come from?
Am I doing this all to myself?

TW: Mention of suic ide

Sitting comfortably
Warm in this moment

Thinking back to the days
Where I was sick on the inside

Making quality connections
Having some good experiences

Until making mere eye contact with someone else
Made me want to shrink into my own self

Wanting to kill myself for months on end
Each and every day

Being over a thousand miles away from
The closest person who would care

Yet somehow still finding ways to support myself
And take on full time schooling at the same time

Had my tiny best friends (cats) by my side
They got me through it all

The time to rest was much needed and well-earned
Healing still occurring, but thankful for how far I have come

We just want to be
These people can see
Yet they won’t adjust
So we can be free

I look at my cat
Asleep over there
Is he even comfortable?
One can’t help but wonder.

Getting up to leave the room
Tiny kitty starts to zoom
Sweet little kit was in there for me
Unconditional love from my little buddy.

What even is productivity?
Usually things we see as having value
And taking steps to work towards it.

Someone could read about a rare type of frog for three hours
And still think it more productive
Than cleaning the garage.

But in the grand scheme of things
Most of these things we do won’t matter
So, were we truly productive or just biding time?

Looking back at memories of the past
Some make me hurt, some make me laugh
These experiences have made me strong
Now I know how much further along I actually am

Feeling so hurt, feeling so down
Looking at memories makes me feel like a clown
so many good times had by all
now to make memories with those who won’t fall

It’s true what they say–
The old falls away
To give room
For the inevitable new.

Some of this destruction is obvious,
Some more silent.
Either way you’ll find out
When you see a new sprout.

What to do then–
In the silence that follows?
The empty space you look at
Where familiarity once grew.

A pang of sadness,
You’ve lost some of the old you.
Change can be scary.
Change can be hard.

Allow this transition
To grow flowers from your scars.
Don’t think you’re broken–
Because that’s not true.

Allow the Universe
To help you renew.
So accept the fear, as you never know.
The places it’ll take you or the places you’ll go.

Tossed to the wayside
The ‘after-thought’ friend
Anxiety going crazy
Personality tossed to the wind

But hey, maybe this is a good thing
Loneliness is despair
Learning about myself now
Then the right people will be there

Manifestation
Is real and is beautiful
What will you create?

On a daily basis
We have choices galore
So many precious moments
Joy for what’s in store

Anything can happen
That’s why life is great
We all eat our own dinners
And control what’s on our plate

Mountains to molehills.
No longer will they control me.
These hurdles have been here too long,
Have been given too much power.

But, no longer.
For I have grown stronger,
Knowing I am capable.
And dare I say…making plans to overcome them.

Rested galore
Feeling anew
Waking from the slumber
That’s what illness does to you

Time doesn’t exist
Awake and then not
What’s a sleep schedule?
Seems as if I’ve forgot…

positivelypositive:

➕

today is the day…

…to appreciate yourself and to be proud of the journey you have made so far.

it certainly wasn’t easy but you kept moving forward at your own pace. that takes courage and resilience. even if you had off days you did not let them stop you completely.

appreciate yourself today for who you’ve become in the face of adversities. you are a beautiful soul with a brave heart. be proud, be you ✨

After a week
Of feeling unwell
My body is softer
Looks a little more swelled

Yet I do not get angry
No reason to be upset
For this vessel just fought for me
It will become stronger yet

People used to use me for my body
Or to attempt to gain access to it at least
Before I really looked at myself in the mirror with confidence

This resulted in a quick transition from just being ‘me’ to putting up a guard
Which made it easier to feel as if I was doing nothing wrong
For using people in return

Usually it was just for free drinks
But that guard became a huge part of who I was–
Not trying to foster better friendships from people who I truly enjoyed

Due to worrying deep down that
Somehow it would just come back to being used in some way
Just now sort of realizing the damage this has caused me

When it went on for so long
Thankful for the friendships had now
But will need to remember this when

Meeting new people
Not everyone is out to get you
Just need to sort out the ones worth keeping around

Life always ebbs and flows
With each high and low tide
People come and go
As being one who could not part

With trivial things due to remembering the start
Sometimes the ebbs of people hurt my heart
Though I’m sure they have a good reason
They may not have met me during my best season

The beauty of waking each day
Is that you get the opportunity
To change your life for the better
Even if it is by one small decision

Some people stay
Some people go
Some are there for your highs
Some for your lows

It’s up to you to decipher
Who is a friend and who is a foe
Lurking about for your demise
That’s why it’s important to seek a friend in disguise.

It may be for no reason, or some good ones
But you must learn to let these ones go
Though keep the good ones
Surely they’ll show

Here I sit
Floating through space
Wondering about my problems–
The answer staring me in the face.