So since my Nov 2020 update, where i hoped for a better life, my life fell apart. My cousin’s 6 week old went into hospital with corona, on oxygen. My mum also ended up in hospital. I spent christmas without any of my family as lockdown prevented me from visiting any of them.
My mate from home was murdered in December. And honestly, I haven’t been able to come to terms with it. I didnt even tell anyone for a month. I keep having these reoccurring dreams where I get drawn down the same road he did.
Man, survivers guilt is so strong. Why me? Why did I get out, why did I get a supportive home life that allowed me to go to University? I know how easy it would have been to go into the life he went down. My man fucking stood by my side throughout primary school, played football with me, was the kindest soul with the most lovely mother. He was talented, and unreal rapper, had a beautiful son. Yet his life was taken, and people are celebrating all over Facebook not understanding the man behind the name. Lifes fucked man.
I also cried on the phone to my mum and in Asda about food. And weighing out peas. So my eating disorders back.
Do you ever go for a walk, with the soul purpose of killing yourself?
Like many people, 2020 has been a rough year for me.
I lost 2 friends to suicide, I signed my contract to my dream grauate job I’d worked so hard for, then I had it cancelled on me.
I had to finish my degree under remote conditions. 5 years of hard work ended in confusion and no week long celebration.
I went to my mates funeral, kicked the drugs I low key relied on the same day. Its been one of the hardest personal battles with myself, but now I’m 6 months sober.
My dad lost his job of 42 years and left my parents with no car & no reasonable income.
Me and my best friend, boyfriend of 7 years broke up. I’ve been left wounded. Not feeling like I can live life without him. Feeling like I will never be able to love again. And after 5 months I cannot see how I’ll ever shake these feelings.
Then moved across the country, started a new career. I got shit on some more by people who deserve a punch in the face.
Then lost you. I planned your funeral, registered your death, sat next to your empty chair you left. But I never accepted. I supported the people you’d have wanted me to but really we are here just trying to pick up your pieces. My heart aches every day for the way you had to die. For the pain you endured over those 48 hours.
I want to make you proud. I’ve been though so much in my life, i never thought I struggle again like used to.
I thought I had the strength.
And I know deep down, I do, cause 2020 hasn’t killed me. But there so many people who left me this year i just need answers from.
I hope 2021 moves different. I hope it fills me with hope.
I hope the pandemic ceases. I just hope we can smile and get back to normality.
I hope i can stop this drinking habit I’ve picked up. I hope i find my way back into therapy.
I dont fucking understand how you move on when you know someone is your soul mate. Like how? I cant even consider dating. No one will ever compare so what’s the fucking point.
You don’t know what they’ve been through,
Kinda like people.
Some people might look like a Bugatti
But don’t get too happy.
‘Cause they like to move scatty
I call them youth’s Cat D
Maybe the numbers are good
But it’s all messed up under the hood
And anyone can look good with the light off
When you’re blind to the fact it’s a write-off
Sometimes I think I’ve improved, but then I feel things and instead of dealing with them I just smashed shit up.
Twenty-three years I’m still the same.
When you hear this I hope you feel ashamed.
I’m cold as fuck. Fuck that! I’m still not over this.
Like, man, I get low sometimes, so low sometimes.
Airplane mode on my phone sometimes.
Sitting in my house with tears on my face,
Can’t answer the door to my bro sometimes.
Roaming around all alone sometimes.
This some shit I hate to share.
Escape this life or pay the fare.
Grab this gun and aim it there,
Shoot my pain and slay my fear
Before I die, I say my prayer.
Don’t worry about the mess just lay me there
This is all I got so lay me bare.
See, I’m quite closed off.
I got a lot of pain inside, that’s why I get high till I dose off.
But, I change in time, at least I hope to.
‘Cause every time I try to tell 'em “no”. They won’t let me ever let 'em go. I’m a sucker all I gotta say, these drugs really got a hold of me.
The pain I felt was horrendous. I’ve never had that in my life. Felt like my whole world crashing on my chest.
I’ve got no one to tell, no one to get me out of here. It’s absolutely broken me.