Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Phd
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Phd
“How we see the world shapes who we choose to be — and sharing compelling experiences can frame the way we treat each other, for the better. This is a powerful perspective.
Sex-positivity — the feminist movement that’s pushing to destigmatize sex — should be great for women. The counterculture’s roots began in the 1960s, with sex positivity being about the power of undenied and unrepressed sex. In the early 1980s, the focus took a feminist turn against anti-pornography feminists.
Now more mainstream, the conversations revolve around empowering women to have as much sex as they want, without shame. Many of us grew up on TV shows, movies, and books that use promiscuity and independence synonymously. Women like Samantha Jones from “Sex and the City” have been coded as empowering because of the high number of casual sexual encounters they have.
With movements to reclaim the words slut and ho and the numerous dating apps that enable us to have casual encounters with ease, it would seem casual sex is everywhere.
Last year, DJ Khaled proudly announced that he didn’t go down on women. He was roundly mocked on social media, but he is far from the only man with a sexual double standard. For example, men are open on social media about their requirements for a “wifey” versus a casual sex partner.
I’d finally decided to swear off casual sex after a string of terrible encounters. As a straight woman who’s been single for most of her 20s, I had exactly zero orgasms — and all with men who would only judge me for it later. And when I tweeted about the phenomenon, I received an overwhelming amount of replies and DMs, all from other women through with casual sex.
When I tell other women I’m taking a break from non-relationship sex, they tell me they understand completely. They aren’t swearing off casual sex because they want serious relationships or because they can’t handle casual arrangements — which is the prevailing cultural stereotype about women. No, these women are saying they don’t enjoy casual sex on a basic level.
There’s no emotional investment in casual sex. Still, emotional investment isn’t a prerequisite to good sex. So, what is it that makes casual sex so bad for straight women?
The most common denominator in the bad-sex stories I hear from women is men who are doing the bare minimum for female pleasure.
I think back to all the casual encounters I’ve had since college, in which I gave men blowjobs while they seemed completely uninvested in getting me off. (I can count on one hand the number of times I was offered oral sex in return: one.)
It’s already well documentedTrusted Source that straight women don’t have as many orgasms as heterosexual men or as lesbian women — partly because cis-het sex often finishes when the man comes.
Since the majority of women don’t or can’t orgasm from penetrative sexTrusted Source, oral sex can be the key to their pleasure. Unfortunately, every woman I spoke to told me the same thing: “The men almost never go down on me, unless I ask for it, and sometimes not even then.”
One woman tells me, “A few men have told me that cunnilingus is something they would give only to a longtime girlfriend — which confounds me since they had absolutely no qualms about oral sex for themselves.” She’s not the only one to have this experience. Astonishing as it sounds, there are quite a few straight men who view going down on a woman as a “girlfriend privilege.”
As one woman tells me via Twitter, the idea of girlfriend privilege is “a license to be less of themselves in bed. Less invested, less giving.”
Take your average porn video easily accessible online. It probably doesn’t feature a woman having an orgasm — and even when it does, the orgasm is depicted as the woman screaming or thrashing around in a performative and unrealistic fashion.
The link between casual sex and porn sex was brought up by many of the women I interviewed.
“I remember one dude got weirdly rough while we were in the act without checking in… and he kept trying to do this weird, legs-up, porn sex pose that hurt,” says one woman in a private message.
Another tells me that men mirror things they “clearly got from porn — like growling, awkward choking, and spanking,” without the sexual finesse of an actual adult entertainment star. She describes the tempo of the sex as being “forceful and aggressive”, while the man ignored her obvious pain.
There seems to be a kind of disrespect of women’s autonomy during casual sexual encounters, which doesn’t make the experience any better.
When I think about my own one-night stands, I realize I can relate: It seems to me that many men copy what they’ve learned from porn with no comprehension of the fact that women aren’t a monolith.
This is a symptom of the larger cultural disease that treats women as if we’re all the same. The fashion industry seems to struggle conceiving different sizes for the female body. Hollywood, more than 70 to 80 percent of the time, only conceives of one race of women. Mainstream porn seems to suggest women have only one type of sex.
Women are unique in our tastes, including our sexual tastes. Our bodies and pleasure points are individual and different. Treating us as a one-size-fits all pornographic fantasy isn’t going to work.
According to the frustrated women in my inbox, there’s no point in casual sex until we figure out a way to teach men how do it with consideration
Every single woman I talk to says some variant of the same thing: Men prioritize their pleasure by treating women like dolls or props to get off from.
“99 percent of men you have casual sex with are just using you as a human fleshlight. You don’t get the full spectrum of the sexual experience… [there’s] a lack of sensuality. They don’t caress your body, touch your hair… which is part of what makes sex fun for women,” says one woman, who says she has been so disillusioned she’s all but given up on casual sex with cis men.
And since I’ve written off casual sex, I can’t agree more.
I have so much more time to myself. I’m much less willing to be disappointed by strange men. I feel that my body and my desires matter in a real way, since I only have sex with partners who I know are committed to my pleasure.
My orgasm rate has skyrocketed — and so has my self-esteem.
It’s not that we don’t want more sex, but who wants bad sex with selfish partners? We’ve heard society’s version of sex positivity and we’re choosing to keep our legs closed. Investing in casual sex with straight men means investing in their orgasms more than anything: We’re now choosing to invest in ours.”
A bouquet of flowers from my garden
(photos by Bill Watterson and an octopus)
I think this is the best scientist photograph I have ever seen.
But people didn’t believe him on reddit. So Watterson made the photo sequence into a gif.
Here’s the gif for anyone curious.
I had to go through the notes to find the gif. Not because I didn’t believe him but because I wanted to see it.
Dressage DisasterPoetry in Motion-her riding in this moment is a better reward than any Grand Prix trophy!😳
Ha! I f*cking hate Bellevue!!😃
This is funny, but I can tell you why right now without a study
Glasses give you an immediate and blinding indication if your mask is not worn properly. If you wear glasses you are more likely to secure the mask tightly to ensure you dont fog up your glasses.
And 2, no one can sneeze or cough on ur eyeballs
I know the study hypothesized that it’s because glasses wearers don’t touch their face as much. But as a glasses wearer, I think Fatsexybitch is onto something with #1.
I read a lot of music-related articles, and it’s amazing to see how how inescapable Fiona’s influence and presence is. I also love how so many emerging artists, specifically, are inspired by her. That means the culture is moving in the right direction!
“I love Fiona Apple,” said Rodrigo to Nylon. “I’m obsessed with her new record and she is definitely a big inspiration of mine. I remember thinking that I wanted to make jazzy music like her when I was younger, so I would play these jazz chords, and be like, ‘Nobody can do it like her. I’m not going to be able to do anything even half as good as [1996’s] Tidal was.’ But yeah, she’s so incredible. I’m obsessed with her lyricism. She has such a good vocabulary, too. She wrote Tidal when she was 19, which is crazy to me. Just the words that she uses, she’s like, ‘sullen girl.’ I’m obsessed with her.”
Holy crap! That is cool
What does it take to teach a bee to use tools? A little time, a good teacher and an enticing incentive. Read more here: https://to.pbs.org/2mpRUAz
Credit: O.J. Loukola et al., Science (2017)
“Friend? Friend push ball? I push ball. I do good.”
Bees. Smart enough to push a ball, not smart enough to not be fooled by a stick masquerading as a bee.
maybe they know and they’re just being polite
Other dimensional beings are undoubtedly amazed at what human beings will accept as human beings too. “But it’s just a stick with a person on it.”
NEIL WHY. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.
This turns up on my dashboard. And I read it and am impressed that someone writes exactly the post that I’d write, without actually reading the name of the person who posted it.
And then I’m puzzled at all the Neil Why’s, and realise that this was me in the Wayback Long-ago.
At least I’m consistent.
And, I should point out, we are no closer to being able to spot the extra-dimensional stick “people” who move unobserved among us.
You’re giving me an existential crisis
Omg. This is adorable. I love this blog. Thank you!
Hey! I bought four bouquets of roses for my anniversary a few days ago, and it made me think of you, since you’re my flower friend. How’s it going?
It’s going okay! Happy Anniversary! Are doing anything to celebrate?(besides flowers😀💐)
you ever realize how able bodied people just are not expected to do things that cause them excruciating physical pain? like they’re just. not
if i shouldn’t use my cane because i can sometimes technically walk without it, it would just hurt like a motherfucker then abled people should no longer be allowed to use potholders to take things out of the oven because i mean
well they could technically pick up a hot pan with their bare hands. it would just hurt like a motherfucker
*sees an abled person using potholders*
i just think it’s really sad that you’re giving up on yourself like that
if you use potholders how will you ever build up the calluses necessary to pick up scalding hot metal without burning yourself so severely? it’s like you’re not even trying to get better
I mean, my mother uses potholders, but she’s in her 70s. You’re just… too YOUNG to be resorting to potholders at your age.
If you start using potholders, your inability to hold hot metal will only get worse.
As a professional cook I was, and still am, able to pick most stuff up out of an oven without a pot holder. I might get blisters and maybe it will hurt, but usually it won’t
AMAZING! based on this one specific individual’s experiences i will now safely assume that it’s possible for anyone to overcome hand pain & leave potholders behind for good!!! as long as you want it bad enough, anything is possible!! make this story go viral so that all those self pitying losers who still use potholders know that there’s no excuse
☆♡LIKE & SHARE IF YOU WERE INSPIRED!!!♡☆
I feel the same way about drugs. They should be legalized and TAXED. Who cares if someone wants to get high?
This special was so good!!! One of the best things I’ve seen in a long time! Thank you, Bo!!!!❤️❤️❤️