Fine. I’ll admit it… I miss you so goddamn much. And the worst part is— I’m sober and you’re still on my mind. It must be this cold weather. The cold reminds me of you because I remember all those nights you stayed with me and made me feel so warm. It’s been over two years and I’m still living in these past memories. It’s pathetic, I know, but they keep me sane. I don’t wanna move on because I’m scared that when I’m finally happy with someone else, that’s when you’ll decide to come back to me. Our hearts are never in sync. They never have been. Mine beats for you. Yours beats for her. But what happens when she’s gone? Or when my heart starts to beat for another? Will you come after me? Because deep down we always want what we can’t have. Right now, if you were to climb my fence and knock on my window, I’d let you climb through and stare at you as you stand next to me. I’d hug you so tight— so tight that our hearts are almost touching. I’d hold you and cherish you as if you were going to die tomorrow. I’d cry. You’d wipe my tears and apologize for taking so long to come back to me. And I’d forgive you because I have a big heart and I’m selfless and kind and so damn in love with you. I’d do anything for you. Why would I waste any time hating you when you’re right there in front of me— holding me and making me feel warm again. But you’re not here now. And I don’t know when or if you’re coming back…. if you do, please make it soon. Because someday, tomorrow will be too late.
“I’m ace so sex is :(”, means:
“Being asexual makes sex and sexual relationships complicated, and is not the same experience as allos”
“Asexuality = never sex”
Asexuality is lack of attraction and in This House we don’t disrespect a-specs.
asexual representation manifesto
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days and I’ve realized something - a couple of things, actually.
1. I am asexual enough. I’m gray asexual and I straddle the line between asexual and sexual and I’ve felt like I don’t fit but I do. Because I still want different things than sexual people do.
2. I think, to this point, that I’ve sort of thought without exploring that thought that asexuals don’t REALLY need explicit representation. Because how do you represent a lack of a thing?
So I haven’t ever written asexuality into any of my fics and I haven’t really sought out fics with explicit asexuality in them both because I like to read porn sometimes and because when there isn’t porn in a fic I’m just sort of like well, okay, that works because I’m not seeing them have sex so it’s basically the same as what I’d want.
But… and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’m not the first ace person to figure this out, this is just my own personal feelings on it, but… but that’s wrong.
It’s not the same thing.
Asexuality isn’t a lack of a thing.
Asexuality is just wanting a different thing.
It’s not that I DON’T want sex.
It’s that I DO want romance. It’s that I daydream about holding hands and kissing a boy on the couch while we watch a movie. It’s that I love kink in a way that isn’t tied to sex. It’s that I deeply, deeply desire sensual touch (and sometimes sex, but usually not and not with just anyone).
Asexuality is a different set of desires, not a lack of desire. Asexuality isn’t a lack of anything.
And that’s a thing that very much requires explicit representation.
3. I enjoy reading porn and sometimes writing it is okay, but I’m done with feeling like I need to include it for my fics to be good or be adult. Really, if anything I’d rather write the sort of things I’d like to do - so like I said, a lot of kink and no sex and making out and a lot of sensual touching. Because those are valid and amazing too.
4. I’m going to start writing asexuals into pretty much all of my fics going forward because it needs to start somewhere and I’m going to start with me.