recently i can’t enjoy things because i feel like i am living under that big ticking capitalist clock. if it’s the weekend, it’s only the weekend for so long. this movie costs two hours of work. this vacation needs to be packed with everything possible because i only get the one. i am exhausted from being sick but i took my sick time up, guess i just allow myself to be rundown and call it good enough.
good things are broken now. the “countdown to christmas” blares over the store radio so often that even the songs i love set my teeth on edge. i get another email saying that if i want my loved ones to actually love me, i need to put a downpayment asap. my phone starts dying right around the new edition’s opening. the books i used to read are on their 26th series when there’s no longer a good story.
nothing is sacred. remakes and new seasons and extended universes, none of which are done for the love of the original - just to fill dead lungs with rot and call that breathing. i can’t even waste my time zoning out; i am calculating how soon i need to go to sleep so i can wake up so i can get back to working. if i work two shifts i can afford a yearly subscription to the things that used to make me feel accepted, or i can afford to one time see a clinician for the very real problems i have that i have been ignoring. (can’t go to a doctor, they’re only there for business hours, and the medication will be ordered out of network, im sure).
there’s nothing left to suck out of me, but they always find a way to suck something new out of me, and then act surprised when i answer with defeat. kids these days are so jaded, angry. kids these days have given up the idea they can ever find work that makes them happy.
i’m trying to be optimistic. but optimism is now only available via a pay to play streaming service.