No one really shares what can happen postpartum…
Being a mom was one of the things I knew I wanted to experience since I can remember. So when April 2016 came, finding out I was expecting was a dream come true!! I had a pretty good pregnancy; no morning sickness, didn’t gain too much weight, and was expecting a baby girl!! Then the last month of my pregnancy approaches and I am starting to get high blood pressure readings! Really!! The last few weeks lol I have been doing great! Now I’m back and forth to the hospital due to my high blood pressure. Finally, my baby girl is here! Born a little before Christmas.
This has to be the best feeling ever!!
Getting to see your baby for the first time is an experience that you cannot explain! My motherly instincts kicked in immediately. I was so happy!! I stayed in the hospital for about 5 days total to ensure my blood pressure was ok for me to go home. Now I’m home! A brand new baby! It’s just me and my boyfriend (her father) with the help of his family. My family lives in another state. I moved away from home a month before I conceived my daughter. Now those feelings are hitting me!! I miss my mom! This is the time she’s supposed to be around to help me with this baby I just brought home! Months pass now and I am adjusting to this little person I am now responsible for. However, I am finding myself experiencing these emotions that I am unfamiliar with.
What the heck is this?!?
Why am I crying? Why am I sad and nothing happened? Am I depressed? No, I can’t be! I don’t have a reason to be! I just had this beautiful baby girl with an amazing man living in a new state away from home!! Life should be great, right?? I was 4 months postpartum, April 2017. A whole year from the best time of my life finding out I was expecting to now the worst time of my life. I didn’t have any ill feelings towards my daughter! I loved her so much. I couldn’t imagine hurting her. So I didn’t think I had postpartum depression because typically you hear stories of women who do not want to be around their baby and feel this disconnect. But that wasn’t me. So what is wrong??
What is wrong with me??
I began to sink more and more into a depressed state. I didn’t want to do anything but stay in my room with my baby and lay in bed! I didn’t want to hang out with anyone. But then again, I didn’t have anyone to hang with! I had just moved to this new state and got pregnant pretty much immediately. All I knew was back home! I started to distance myself from my boyfriend. I would take my frustrations out on him and when he would ask “What’s wrong with you?” I wouldn’t know how to reply. Because I didn’t even understand what was wrong with me! I was starting to have these thoughts of “Maybe my baby will be better off without me!” because I wasn’t understanding what was wrong! But then I felt like everything was wrong! Finally, I spoke to my boyfriend’s sister about it and how I think I needed to seek therapy. She helped me find one and I went the next week. But that didn’t help!! As soon as I got there, the therapist had given me a questionnaire and some questions touched on suicide. When she seen my responses, she had someone come pick me up and take me to the hospital under suicide watch! I seriously thought I was crazy then!! Why is this happening??? I just remember feeling like this can’t be life! I do not want to live like this! Always unhappy, sad, just existing and not living! The nurse they had watching over me was asking me questions, typical “getting to know you” types of questions. And I remember thinking he was a little weird, why I don’t know.
But God sent him to me for a reason!!
As they were about to discharge me after a few hours there, my boyfriend’s sister came up to the hospital to get me. My nurse asked if I believed in God. I replied, “Yes! I do!” He asked if he could pray for me and I said definitely!! Now, I have always believed in God! However, my relationship with him was not the best, at all! And I remember as the nurse was praying for me I felt this sense of peace! Something I hadn’t felt in a long time!! His prayer was so powerful! This man did not know me, had never seen me before, nothing! Yet he is praying peace over my life! I was instantly in tears! That was a year and a half ago!
God knew exactly what it was that I needed and when I needed it!
A long term friend that I had not been speaking to for whatever reason had recently reached out to me. We had some small talk and then she introduces a podcast, Blessed + Bossed Up, to me that I had never heard of. I was instantly hooked after the first episode! The podcast discusses your relationship with God and owning your own business while keeping God in it all! THAT podcast changed my life! And to think that this friend, who I had not talked to in years just reaches out to me out of the blue and sends me this.
I’m not who I am called to be just yet, but I am not who I used to be…
Though I still struggled in between then and now, I NOW have that relationship with God that I have been NEEDING!! My walk with God is just beginning! And in this little time, I have learned so much!! I have felt the best I have felt in my entire life!! I’m on fire for Jesus! I want to get to know him personally! As I started my walk, one of the verses that stood out to me was:
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, And he shall give you the desires of your heart.”
We must give ourselves to Jesus! Seek him! Get to know him! He is greater than any depression, anxiety, anger, or any other emotion! Looking back I can now see that he was the missing piece the whole time! He had to place me out of my comfort zone, go through postpartum depression, and isolate me all to get my attention! Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart! God sees what you’re going through! You are not alone! This is the time to seek him! Ask him to come into your life! We cannot do this thing called life without him! I now see joy in my battles! Because I know he is working for my good! And I have this experience to prove it!! I could have not came out of this alive! It’s just that simple! My daughter would have grown up without her mother! To think he loved me that much to pull me out of that state is overwhelming!! I could not have made it without him!! Seek the professional help you need and seek Jesus! I promise you, you will walk out in victory!!
His 👸🏾 My 👑
treat yo self
reasons why love is a choice and not a feeling.
It’s been a while but I’m in need of deeper and more meaningful relationships.
To me IG, Facebook, and snapchat are SO superficial. I’m sure I’ve said it before; but they lack a lot of substance.
So here I am….back on Tumblr…..using my mind…
This is what I keep telling myself over and over again through all the seasons of life, yet I always found myself not listening to it, not believe in his promises, and not waiting in him. We are fallen, comfort-loving creatures, we don’t want to suffer, we don’t want to wait. I know this about myself.
Sometimes it’s hard to find joy when God’s answers is not what we wanted to hear or simply when there is not answer at all. The most important thing, though, is where we look at when the storm hides any brightness of the sky, or where is our joy when it seems that everything good is slipping through our fingers. I need to remember that (constantly), need to wake up every morning and remember that every little piece of joy comes from Him, and only from Him. I want you to remember that too.
“What do I have that does not come from him? What gift of life or breath? What promise ever made did not receive its Yes in him? What one sweet thing — or hard thing you will soon make sweet — did I receive except that it was purchased by his blood?” - John Piper