“I don’t need yall/I love them"
At work, in circles of friends, pretty much everywhere I have white people just straight up lie to my face about any given thing. In social circumstance it usually is lies about their beliefs or something. At work it usually is they ACT nicer when they want you gone and make up lies behind your back about you to make sure it happens. This happened to me at hobby lobby. I need to eat and pay rent so you get work wherever but these people constantly invent problems around those with less power that they do not like and eventually it leads not only to people believing what they say but to me not being able to pay bills or eat. It doesn’t affect them in a real way and they shift blame to store policy when in the first place I’ve not done the thing they claim.
I’m so tired of all this. There is too much happening for people I let in my life to disregard me because of a lie they tell themselves. I hate having to think about this every day in every interaction. It is draining. I don’t like being so angry all the time or suspicious all the time but when ppl are doing this in every circle I find myself in, work, social, or otherwise, I have to guard myself and isolate myself. I just don’t think I can isolate myself any further than I have already done by delegating all my space to my room, using the rest of the house only to cook and shower, and not talking at jobs because every conversation I let people have with me turns into THEM trying to catch me saying something that justifies their disregard for me they already have.
I’m exhausted. Family is in the hospital and close to dying, dealing with violence against not just myself but my people and watching, while not being able to act, police drop and drag people I love for nothing all while people and parents tell me I’m lazy or not determined enough to make money is too much stress. I do everything I can to sustain myself, something that is not easy especially now. I am not lazy. I work. And to be fired and lied on from jobs to being lied on by people in my “social circle,” (just who I find myself having to be around I guess) has put me in a place of complete unforgiving (grammar but it make sense I think).
I don’t know why so many wasicu analyze and judge my friends and my own life so often because it always leads them to a conclusion that we are lazy and put more energy into our political work than we do on surviving monetarily and that just isn’t true. We do both. Our energy or spirit or whatever just the emotional toll it takes to constantly be under threat by the state cannot be understated and that is going to be reflected on my face. This does not make me lazy or uninterested it shows that I’m hurt, it shows that I don’t even have energy to fake a smile but I will physically push myself to make sure I can eat. And that is what I do.
I think the pattern has been, at least up to my experience with hobby lobby, that you can help wasicu on the job as much as you want and you can stretch yourself as thin as possible to be a good worker but if you are caught struggling and that inconveniences them in anyway to see that they will invent so many times where you did nothing and erase everytime you help do extra just so they have an easier time at work.
This is just how I’ve been treated in a lot of work spaces by wasicu that have explicit power over me. The wasicu that do not have power over me are more difficult to read because they do all of their evil in the shadows. All we see openly are those with power over us because they are ones who deal final blows. They make us feel not wanted and then get angry when we acknowledge it and step back from them. It’s abusive.
Feel isolated at home, and I feel isolated when I leave my home. So if that is how it is, bet. I’m good. I have to make sure I’m left alone. Even though that doesn’t stop them from discussing you and making things up about you it does let you control most of what is seen of you and if that is the most control I can have right now over my own personhood then I will take it and protect what little I can.
Felipe Jacome’s set of photos Amazon: Guardians of Life documents the struggles of indigenous women defending the Ecuadoran Amazon through portraits combined with the powerful written testimonies. The words across each photograph are a self-reflection of the lives of women, their culture, history and traditions, and especially about the reasons for fighting oil drilling on their ancestral lands. The color designs framing each portrait use the same natural dyes found in face paint to expand on the symbols and designs that reflect their personalities, courage and struggle. (Read More)
“Time and again, people struggling not for some token reform but for complete liberation – the reclamation of control over our own lives and the power to negotiate our own relationships with the people and the world around us – will find that nonviolence does not work, that we face a self-perpetuating power structure that is immune to appeals to conscience and strong enough to plow over the disobedient and uncooperative.”
There is so much discussion on Trump and how he has divided the United States that it almost feels annoying to even think about. Constantly I hear about how confusing of a situation this is for people to understand and then, at the same time hear jokes from my family acknowledging that for us it really is not surprising. The idea that this is a difficult ‘phenomenon” to understand is either an enormous misstep or a well-crafted way of shifting blame…
Recently I have been focused on indigenous literature revolving around demystifying decolonization and from this, it brought to mind to consider other aspects of my life that might be shrouded in coded, mystified language. Media coverage and general discussion around Trump’s coming to power has suggested over and over again that this problem doesn’t really have an explanation. If I stop and think about events surrounding his campaign this starts to seem like a lazy answer that at least has the effect of placing “PC culture” and ‘over-sensitivity’ as a concept inherent in modern social movements being led by and for people of color. In reality, the people that use these arguments tend to be reacting to their fellow whites’ and getting mad at us for it.
I’ll have to explain this a little more I think. What I am trying to get across is that in reality what is happening is that whites, desiring to either move past or end racism are having to no longer ignore racist whites and vice-versa. This is not to say that there are not other issues happening but it does seem that we have talked about racism in the United States our whole lives whereas non-racist whites, or whites not wanting to contribute to racism, ignored their racist white communities making the living truth of racism today seem even more abstract to white onlookers. Using this division in white America it makes it even easier for people of color to be blamed and harassed by racist whites, leading to an emboldening of organized racists and their involvement in the election of Trump.
To be more specific, claiming that culture is becoming sensitive to talking about “race issues” focuses the conversation automatically around the concept of race and the “other,” in this case being people of color. [We all know what it feels like to have to talk about race with white people and how sensitive they are about every bit of the conversation] By creating this environment around people of color in the mainstream media narrative it became easy to imply or directly say in some cases that discussions around racism brought by people of color are creating problems. This is done in a number of ways, for example by twisting messages from political theorists and activists to seem hateful and antagonistic in the same way that racism has affected people of color. Easily said, “reverse racism” tends to be used to change the arguments and intentions of the oppressed, appealing to base white supremacist emotions and thoughts in the larger white community.
“White people are so sensitive about race and racial conversations. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells when I’m around white people.” -Margaret Cho
In general, the point I’m making is that some whites ignored instead of dealing with racist whites like people of color have had to do daily and modern political climate in the United States has forced the white community to no longer ignore each other. This family gathering has been a part of rising public showings of white supremacy through violent and non-violent hate crimes because it is still the case that people of color are being scape-goated. Whether it is intentional or not, whether it is direct or indirect it seems to be happening and the conversation about it tends to be shrouded in doubt as to why it is happening, leading to its mystification.
I’ll probably end up expanding on this in another post. I would like to add by saying that that amount of articles saying that “blacks are too sensitive” or “can race sensitivity go too far” seem to have increased at such an alarming rate in the past maybe two or three years and not only results in our being blamed for it (regardless that our communities have argued the same points for years without being labelled as sensitive) but results in further colonization of our peoples’ minds. We know who truly is sensitive. I’ll explore this thought further in another post because there are a lot of points in this I want to elaborate on. Shouts out.
RIP THE REALEST FRIENDSHIP †††
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUTS OUT JAY Z DOE