Bones: I’m… I’m at a loss for words!
Kirk, narrating: Despite being at a loss for words, Bones yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.
- Uhura rewrote the computer code in Sulu’s bathroom dispenser to dispense saline solution instead of mouthwash
- Bones and his poker night group saved the ship from a tyrannical alien entity who arrogantly agreed to free the crew if they could beat him at “such a simple and primitive game”
- Chekov broke a knob on the helm console and tried to hide it
- Sulu saw him do this and said nothing to see how long Chekov could keep it a secret before he caved and told Kirk
- Turns out it was about four hours
- One of Uhura, Chapel, and Rand’s girls nights resulted in multiple alarms and a pajama clad Scotty rushing in shouting panicked angry Gaelic that Uhura refused to translate
- Jim Kirk frequently misquotes Shakespeare because while he is a dramatic nerd he is not a dramatic nerd with perfect recall
- When a Jeffries tube above his quarters gave out and an engineer landed at his feet while he meditated Spock didn’t even flinch, but when an overly excited Jim slapped a hand on his shoulder in the mess hall he jumped nearly a foot in the air
- Lt. Riley got so nervous trying to ask out Janice Rand that instead of inviting her on a date he panicked and told her an obscure fact about sea anemone that Sulu had told him that morning
- Uhura forgets which idioms belong to which language. She get quite the eyebrow raise from Spock when she tells him over a weekly keep-up-our-Vulcan-language-skills cup of coffee that she thinks Kirk is “just pulling his leg.” She gets a similarly confused but hazily understanding nod from Chekov when she tries to comfort him after a breakup by putting her hand on his shoulder and speaking his native language, only to say in Russian that “Everyone encounters tribbles occasionally.” (A very sage Klingon proverb)
- The crew jokingly fills Kirk’s quarters with increasingly ridiculous gifts every time he accidentally gets married on an away mission. So far this has happened four times. Jim has no idea what they’ll do if he ever actually gets married
- Scotty has multiple critical mechanisms wrapped up and mended with the Denobulan equivalent of duct tape because it’s a repair fast enough to keep them from blowing up in the weekly critical disaster, and it’s stronger than Starfleet regulation quick-bind adhesive. He absolutely swears by it and has not let an official inspector into the warp core in years
Things That Have Definitely Happened on the Enterprise
- Sulu brought a plant on board that nearly killed everyone
- Chekov giggled during an important diplomatic meeting and nearly caused an interstellar political incident
- Nurse Chapel saved the entire crew singlehandedly
- Jim and Uhura dance together at every event with a dance floor because they are the ship’s best dancers and the familiarity from their friendship lets them complement each other beautifully
- Uhura taught Chekov how to dance
- Kirk discovered that the guest quarters arranged for a diplomat had no power because Scotty had diverted it to power five extra coffee pots in engineering
- Bones sent out a ship-wide memo and instead of including the actual document he accidentally just attached a recipe he’d been sharing with his friend Audrey from the Academy
- Spock meditated through more than a few staff meetings he didn’t want to go to
- Sulu and Scotty developed a system to communicate between engineering and the helm by blinking indicator lights. Officially it’s for signaling trouble at either end, unofficially its for gossip and laughing at their crewmates’ antics
- Bones gave Spock a very nice 3D chess set he found in a market on shore leave. The exchange was awkward and involved lots of eye rolling and mild insults but they both understood the sentiment
- Kirk dropped and shattered one of the engineering coffee pots
- Nurse Chapel put green food coloring in Bones’ coffee so that he couldn’t see it in the black liquid but ended up with a bright green mustache. It took him four hours to figure out why everyone was giggling
Maybe it’s because I’m an English and writing professor, but I’m currently losing my shit over the concept of there being a mandatory course at Starfleet Academy about the use of proper narrative technique in Captain’s Logs to create Appropriate Drama:
“Johnson, no, no, no! This log is bland! Insipid! In no conceivable way does it contain the proper amount of wistfulness and angsty personal backstory that will endear you to history and nosy Admirals. Where’s the panache? Where’s the ‘Stardate: Armageddon’? Where is the palpable sexual tension?”
“Sorry, Professor Kirk.”
“And you solved the problem with three whole hours left. Try to get it down closer to the wire next time.”
Before going to bed Harry opens a book to read 2 or 3 pages of it. The book is the only authorized biography about his life - so far - written by Luna Lovegood: “Yellow Eyebrow”. He finds himself smiling in almost all pages.
I LOVE THIS
My headcannon is that there is only one authorized Harry Potter biography, written by Luna Lovegood, with pictures by Dean Thomas and interviews of Harry and his closest family and friends by Lee Jordan. It barely mentions the war and Voldemort . There is an entire chapter dedicated to the “no need to call me sir professor” moment, with quotes from Harry’s classmates who where present at the moment. It also includes Harry’s favourites Mrs Weasley recipes (just a couple cause Mrs Weasley doesn’t want to make all her best ones public ofc). And not only does it have pictures drawn by Dean it also haves pictures taken by Harry’s friends (some very nice, others… not so much) and on the cover a picture Harry had no idea Colin creevey took and gave to Ron (who kept it as one of his most prized possessions) of Harry with his eyebrow yellow.
It also includes a chapter on Harry’s success in Quidditch, as well as his absolute disasters. It does include Harry’s fall after his severe response to Dementer’s (and subsequent loss of his first broom), but Luna’s narrative never mentions what he hears (even though he told her) or the death of his parents. It does go into detail the effects of Dementers and all the horrors it can bring up, even those we don’t actively remember (this small portion gets Luna asked to write a larger piece just on Dementers for medi-wizards and -witches learning to help people handle the side effects). It is the first time Harry doesn’t feel at all embarrassed about his severe response because Luna makes it sound so normal and the real focus of the narrative is the loss of the game and his broom on him, not on why it happened.
The Quidditch chapter also includes him almost swallowing a snitch and getting all the bones in his arm vanished.
Thank you guys for adding ideas to this headcanon! <3
The Clone Wars pretty heavily implies that Anakin had strong intentions to leave the order, and I feel like if not for his Padme nightmares and Sheev manipulation, he probably would have quit as soon as the clone wars wrapped up to go live with his family.
There’s no way he would let his kids back into the cult.