Hey, it’s okay.
I’m a firm believer in the saying, “When it rains, it pours.” Whether that’s for the goods things or bad things happening in my life. I don’t necessarily think it applies to everyone, but to me it definitely does.
Yes, I know, what a pessimistic point of view about life. The thing is, I’m as pessimistic as I am optimistic. I fall in this grey area, border line hypocritical. Why? Because I advice friends to always look into the bright side, that things will get better, but when it comes to my own life I expect the bad things to keep rolling in until one good thing happens and stops all that bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, it’s hella negative, the title totally contradicts that whole spiel, and this entry’s intro is getting too long. It’s a little bit of a prologue, okay.
Let’s get into the shit storm that started on 11.15.17
An internal battle between getting rest and studying for a big midterm. The rest won. At this point, I should’ve known there was no battle because for the past few days I was running on an average of 4 hours of sleep. I’ve just gone from the last round of interviews for GAP Inc. and during then, I’ve been dedicating my time preparing for that weekend instead of my midterm.
How did I do on my midterm?
Shit. Absolutely, incredibly, bombed it. I handed in my midterm feeling this. However, I moved on.
That very same day, I walked out of class, checked my voicemail and saw a message from my college recruiter. It was decision time. I called back 3 times, one of which was to her direct number. I reached her on the 3rd time. The call was short.
Enthusiastic about retail.
Did great during group assessment.
You didn’t know your target market well enough.
They’ve decided to not move you along the process.
I was shocked, but not surprised. I felt my emotions trapped in my lungs. I replied with a short, “Oh, okay.”
I thanked her for all the help and support she’s given during the whole process. There was a pause. I didn’t have any questions. The call ended.
I instantly called my mom, looking to find comfort in someone. Someone to tell me that I’ll be okay, that it was their lose, that I can find something else. That my first adult job rejection would be my only one. I was looking for empathy.
I love my mom, I do. But that call was not what I needed. I was told that the rejection was nothing, that I’ll be fine, that this is part of life. That was a call I could do with after I’ve moped, not when the blow just struck. I ended the call abruptly. I avoided messages and calls for the day. I needed a distraction.
A dinner with friends was already planned, and although that was a great distraction, it didn’t give me what I needed. I needed to mope. To fully come to terms with what just happened. To cry, to be mad, to be sad about it all.
I continually pushed the moping back due to my academics, responsibilities, and just other things in life. This has caused a big lack of focus.
In addition, my mother went into over drive — constantly giving me links to companies I can apply to and letting me know of her connections. Although I appreciated all her efforts, I needed to mope first but I still wasn’t able to.
With all of that, I’ve ended up in this hole that I can’t seem to get my self out off. In this hole, I’m alone and it’s deep and I have no tools to help me get out.
What did I really want to do in life? Where will I be 6 months from now? Did I choose the right path? What is my purpose? Is everything I’ve done enough?
So, that’s where I am as of 12.03.17.
Still in the hole
And waiting for that one good thing to break the rainy cycle.