if my first love had stayed
he wakes up, makes his breakfast and leaves for work before i am up. he doesn’t kiss me goodbye while i sleep. he says he forgets to. he is always forgetting. we sleep so far apart it feels like we are in different beds. i am convinced one day the space between our bodies will be so big i won’t be able to reach him anymore. he says he loves me but it doesn’t sound how it used to. i wonder if love is supposed to make you feel so unlovable. i say it back but the words feel empty in my mouth. they linger in the air a moment before they are enveloped in the silence that fills the room. it is always the words that aren’t said that hurt the most. the silence becomes a part of our daily life. the third person in the relationship we turn to when all else fails. his words have made me cry but somehow his silence stings so much more. i wonder what happened to the two kids that learned what love was together. i wonder if this was always going to be our fate. if we were never meant to be forever, if we were only meant to be for the time being. i wonder if there is someone who would remember to kiss me before they leave for work. i wonder if love is remembering how to stop loving. if love is walking away. i am starting to think sometimes love is knowing it’s time to go no matter how badly you’d like to stay.