i don’t know where else to post this but as of this past weekend i have finally, after years of rigorous training, achieved a level of kingdom hearts shitposting hitherto unknown to mortal man
at anime iwai in florida last friday night, @freeshooterxig hosted a “kingdom hearts 3 roast” panel for people to come and take potshots at this blessed fucking mess of a franchise. in attendance was vexen’s voice actor derek stephen prince who agreed to participate in character as vexen and i got to write the script for his segment
for obvious legal reasons there couldn’t be any recordings taken of the panel or his part in it, but now that the event’s passed i figure i can at least post the script online if anyone wants to try to imagine what it was like to listen to him go off
just….just close your eyes and picture vexen going absolutely full ham on the below rant and you will have some idea of how disgustingly funny it was. dsp you legend
The Organization—hah! Don’t make me laugh. An Organization of Nobodies—call it rather a wretched confederacy of dunces. In all the years spent wasted in that half-baked emo cult, I was the only one who accomplished anything remotely worthwhile, and against great odds, at that. Why, I could fill a whole bookshelf with tales of my colleagues’ rank incompetence.
Where, oh where to begin? Our esteemed Superior, Lord Xemnas…He certainly styled himself the Lord of Nothing for good reason, because nothing is all that pompous windbag ever did. His speeches were so tedious they could have put a caffeinated hyena to sleep. Perhaps all those grand plans he was so fond of enumerating might actually have come to fruition if that vain degenerate hadn’t spent half of my research budget getting his entire body waxed on Tuesdays.
Still, it’s not as if he were uniquely useless. None of the others ever bothered to do anything productive, either. That smug ne’er-do-well Xigbar only ever strutted about spouting cryptic nonsense, at least when he wasn’t using other people’s belongings for target practice. And I daresay that Xaldin spent rather more time out collecting restraining orders than collecting hearts. I don’t know where he ever found the gall to make light of my scientific pursuits when his favorite pasttime was playing homewrecker to a furry with anger management problems. Now, I suppose I can’t find much fault with Lexaeus…he was at least passably sensible…but Zexion was another matter entirely. If I had a dollar for every time that ungrateful little bookworm mouthed off to me, why, I could finally afford a vacation. Or perhaps a visit to the chiropractor, since my poor back is a wreck from carrying this whole team.
Of course, the rest of that lot were hardly better. Over a decade frittered away in that pointless Organization, and yet the only other recruits we managed to scrape together were an indolent musician, a gambling addict, a foul-tempered harpy, and a failed shampoo model. Oh, and of course, there were our illustrious pair of interns: Xemnas’s little blue lapdog, and the human dumpster fire. What a pair of delinquents. Though I suppose Saïx deserves some credit for finally realizing I was the only intelligent and competent person around…after he’d already wasted ten whole years making Xemnas coffee, writing bad poetry, and crying in the shower over pictures of his braindead boyfriend.
Ah, yes…how could I ever leave him out? Dearest Axel, the witless wonder—a man so profoundly incompetent that his greatest achievement was blowing himself up. One of his better ideas, I admit…though sadly the results didn’t take. Pity. I suppose now that he’s human again he’ll be dismayed to realize he can’t make a paying career out of being the world’s most horrifically inept babysitter. I’m certain I’ve scrubbed more intelligent things than him out of the bottom of a Petri dish. If I ever see that wretched imbecile again, I assure you that he’ll be getting an icicle shoved somewhere very distressing.
Hmph. You would think that being drafted into that ridiculous circus for so long would have plumbed this whole situation’s stupidity to its depths, but predictably, the Organization’s undoing only escalated the idiocy. The less said about the so-called ‘true’ Organization Thirteen, the better. I think we all know that Master Xehanort only created the Organization to clone himself because his original body isn’t legally allowed within 300 yards of a school.
What a travesty…Frankly, I don’t know why everyone is so dreadfully surprised that I was the one to set everything right in the end. I had to. Isn’t it obvious? All this time, I’ve been the only person involved in this farce with more than three working brain cells. Why, who did you think was going to save the worlds and stop Xehanort, hm? Sora? The boy’s as sharp as a bag of bowling balls! We would have all been doomed if I’d left everything to him and his friends. I had to step in, entirely unaided…No, worse than unaided, because the situation was so dire that I was reduced to asking Demyx for help. Demyx. Demyx! Can you even fathom how ludicrous that is? I’ll put it this way: having to resolve the entire plot using nothing but Demyx was like performing abdominal surgery using only safety scissors, fishing twine, and an unusually sharp toothpick.
Well…At least the whole thing’s finally over. For the moment, at any rate, and no thanks to anyone else. Really, the fundamental lesson of Kingdom Hearts isn’t that light triumphs over darkness, or that friendship wins out in the end. It’s that I DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH.